Marriages aren't perpetual dates.

Just read something on the Knot (cross-ref'd to MSN) about what not to do once you have achieved that level of intimacy with someone: Almost all of them are scatological and/or hygiene related. I want to share some of these ridiculous pearls of "wisdom of what not to do once you're married or cohabiting

1. No burping
If it's unavoidable, let it rip. If you can swallow it (and in most cases, you can), applaud your own self-restraint, swig a little mouthwash, and dive in for a smooch instead.
2. No farting
Sure, there's something to be said for that level of comfort, but seriously: Where in the marriage vows does it say, "'Til death do us fart?"
3. No trimming hair, etc...
[Z]it zapping, tweezing, and other gross habits (like ear wax removal, toenail clipping, and south-of-the-border trimming) should be done solo...After all, the main point of plucking random hairs or maintaining your nether regions is so your spouse doesn't see your, um, overgrowth — why destroy the mystery?
4. Final words of wisdom
Think of it this way: You didn't dare leave the door ajar when you were first dating, so why would you let all hell break loose once you're married? After you're finished, spritz some air freshener and get down to the kind of "business" that's always welcome between couples — in bed.

I can honestly say that this had to be written by a 15 y.o. girl. It had to be. Changing social mores aside, think about this scenario: Your husband has just come home with spinal surgery. He needs your help tweezing hairs and cleaning bandages on his lower back. Per the response above, there is just one word: EEEEEWWWWWW. Or this one: Your wife is pregnant, she's having a hard go of, well, going (those iron supplements will do that). She needs your help pressing in her abdomen so that she doesn't get a hernia. What do you do? Per the article above, screw her...private toileting is private.

In sickness and in health means exactly that: You take the human mammal for better or for worse; and, being animals, there are some things that are unavoidable, such as natural flatulence, occasional indigestion, and the like. The authors of this piece apparently believe that you can only be sexy by not being human. This is a juvenile mindset and shows me that whomever penned this, and whomsoever follows this advice, cannot face the reality that we aren't always at are best, and that -yes, sometimes being human is the occasional fart. I find far more intimacy in knowing that a lover can file her toenails in front of me than in all the feigned pretenses which accompany dating. It's called the business of living, and the Knot apparently hasn't learned that lesson.

No comments:

Post a Comment