Off to the grocery store, do some cooking and cleaning, then watching a lil' footbaw. Until then, let us do the dance of Happy Saturday as we do in my native land....
After this horrifying week, I think we should all just lighten the hell up a bit, shall we? Below is one of my favorite jokes (a la MSX Net)
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of
vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his
door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior,
and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he
was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and
eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for
the grub, yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a
peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Just stumpled across a fabulous website for you other cynics, naysayers and ne'er-do-wells...The Cynic's Sanctuary. There is a trove of wonderful bah-humbuggery, there, and the site author even has a book (much akin to my hero Ambrose Bierce's Devil's Dictionary). From The Cynic's Dictionary:
| FIBER | Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another eight or ten years in which to consume wood-pulp. |
| FOUNDATION GRANT | Bourgeois beneficence that enables unmarketable artists to continue expressing their contempt for bourgeois values. |
| FUNERAL HOME | A stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them. |
| GENETIC ENGINEERING | Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo. |
| GOLF | The art of driving hard, avoiding the rough, surmounting traps and hazards, aiming straight, and arriving on the green at last, only to end up in a hole in the ground before your companions. The favored pastime of businessmen and their cronies, probably without a full appreciation of its metaphorical implications. |
Let me be as completely and wholly up-front as possible. I detest Guitar Hero (tm). Seriously. For years I railed against the very notion as a waste of time. Long before South Park nailed it, I was screaming that for all the time and money spent on this useless shit, a kid could actually learn a real live instrument. as a musician (and as a former professional, honest-to-God, touring, recording professional entertainer), I find the concept offensive.
Nevertheless, there is some poon out there.
A father and his four middle-aged sons shuffled across a Lafayette County courtroom floor this morning to hear charges read against them — a string of incestuous outrages allegedly committed decades ago against children of their family.
The men were arrested Tuesday in coordinated raids, based on allegations of a young woman, who said her relatives had molested and had sex with her and other children, sometimes as part of “marriage” rituals, beginning two decades ago. Now 26, she said the abuse had begun when she was five and had ended only after she was forced to have an abortion at age 11.
I've well-documented my hatred of Tennessee, and all of their players. So, this morning, when two of their 5-star blue chippers were arrested for A) armed robbery, with B) a pellet gun, riding in C) a Prius, I jsut about pissed myself. And, behold, my tribute to the fine student athletes in Knoxville.
1. Mark Ingram, Alabama: Finally, there is some separation in the Heisman race. After a 144-yard rushing output against LSU, Ingram is tantalizingly close to becoming Alabama’s first recipient.
1. Mark Ingram, Alabama:Last week: 22 rushes, 144 yards; 5 receptions, 30 yards in a 24-15 victory against No. 9 LSU
Season: 175 rushes, 1,148 yards, 8 TDs; 24 receptions, 216 yards, 3 TDs
Heisman-o-meter: After Ingram had just six carries for 38 yards in an offensively inept first 30 minutes, the Tide fed Ingram early and often in the second half and he shouldered much of the load on the team's first two scoring drives in the half. He was his vintage self, darting through holes and hop-cutting by defenders and finished with 106 yards after halftime. His most important carry may have been the least exciting: a two-yard dive on fourth-and-inches in the fourth quarter to seal the win. So what makes him the Heisman leader? In four games against ranked opponents, he has averaged 178 rushing yards.
1. Mark Ingram, Alabama: It's hard to believe an Alabama player has never won the Heisman Trophy. It's hard to ignore what Ingram has done for the No. 2 Crimson Tide this season. The sophomore has already run for 1,148 yards and eight touchdowns. He had 144 rushing yards in last week's 24-15 victory over No. 9 LSU, gaining 106 in the second half. Ingram catches the ball out of the backfield (24 receptions for 216 yards with three touchdowns) and runs out of the "Wildcat" package. There might not be a better back in the country at gaining yards after contact. Even more impressive is the fact Ingram has done most of his damage without a consistent passing game taking pressure off him.
From Stupid.com
The number of Anglicans wishing to join the Catholic Church has increased in recent years as the Anglican Church has welcomed the ordination of women and openly gay clergy and blessed homosexual partnerships, said Cardinal William Joseph Levada, the head of the Vatican's Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith...."The Catholic Church is responding to the many requests that have been submitted to the Holy See from groups of Anglican clergy and faithful in different parts of the world who wish to enter into full visible communion," Levada said.
And by some days, I mean whenever whimsy strikes. I've had a fucking terrible day, and perhaps I'll even share it tomorrow. In the meanwhile, I'm going to drink alone and look at Kanye-Taylor Swift spoofs. Join me, won't you?
Abstract To determine whether "folk myths" regarding the relationships of penile size to body height and foot size have any basis in fact, 63 normally virilized men were studied. Height and stretched penile length were measured; shoe size was recorded and converted to foot length. Penile length was found to be statistically related to both body height and foot length, but with weak correlation coefficients. Height and foot size would not serve as practical estimators of penis length.
And, by real life, I mean #3 Alabama v. #9 LSU. Off to the grocery store and then pre-game cooking/cleaning....
I collect tales of esoterica and in turn -out of pique or genuine fascination- share them with you. One subset has always amazed me, the very bizarre, but true, deaths of people. Like
Seriously, I have no idea what the hell is going on in Japan. After the lolita/amputee sex toy catalog, the man thong, the "girlfriend lap pillow" they give us this?
Way back on April 1st, we visited the inimitable Jessica Chobot, and, I felt that she was definitely worth a return visit. Enjoy.
W