This Week's Internet Winner...

East Coast edition...

Colbert forgot another one of the Bear's many failings...illiteracy.


Hunger Hurts, But Starving Works...

Sounds like a Neil Gaiman quote from one of his more memorable characters (Sable a/k/a Famine from Good Omens). Alas, those were not spoken by him, but by one of these manufactured "reality" television "celebrities" from the UK, Kenneth Tong.

"The words lunch, breakfast, and dinner should now mean nothing to you, you have eaten enough for a lifetime. Stop. You are disgusting."
You know what else is disgusting? Kenneth Tong

The full interview, available on Huff Po by Johann Hart, is a textbook display in misogyny and sociopathy, but this little excerpt should clue you in on what you're dealing with:

"Why concern yourself with other people's problems?... When I had problems, who was there for me?" He says that being a sociopath is a good thing - it "can make you highly successful in business, and I am going to make a fortune with my Size Zero pill."
Ah, the Size Zero pill. Tong tells me that fat women are "disgusting", and any woman over a Size Zero is fat and therefore "worthless." (Men are different: men only have to be rich.) He leans forward, and says evangelically that all women should become "managed anorexics", and his pill will make it possible. I ask him which doctors and scientific studies he has consulted to make his claims. After a long pause, he says: "Um... I've had personal trainers since I was twelve." Kenneth, personal trainers aren't doctors. What medical personnel have you consulted? He says he spoke to the doctor in his gym when he hurt his hand. What's his name? "I don't know." What did he say? "He said 'Mmmm, yeah, all right'."
But he then adds this doesn't matter because anorexia is a "subjective" concept.

 You know what else is a "subjective concept", Kenneth? Active Euthanasia and Suicide.
Choose one.

Perhaps the most disturbing thing this fucktwit has to say, and probably the only honest one, is that he is totally, 100% untouchable. Per Mr. Tong

"Truthfully, when you are as wealthy as I am, you can say, do and think anything without penalty, as you have no one to be accountable to."

And you know what? He's right. Zero is the new 4 in Tong's world. Managed Aneroxia (a term he coined himself) can be accomplished. And all those crappy, disposable women out there, can just get with the program, because they are too mouthy, too deceitful, too fat for Kenneth Tong.

Okay, Kenneth, since you're so qualified to judge people let's discuss a few things you could work on...it's only fair.
1. Your lips appear to have been wrapped around a few cocks too many
2. Whomever you paid to shit on your hair did a terrific job
3. "loaded" people can afford LASIK
4. Real mean work on shoulders, not just arms and neck
5. Your hairline is receding
6. Considering you're a 5'4" Chinese man, it appears as though you're dipping into the HGH, in any event.

h/t Monkeygirl.


I Get Mail: Nun Edition...

On top of my Russian Brides (who still won't call me back), and requests for mundane legal services (from persons who I believe lack legal capacity to contract), I also get mail from nuns...

Shit, I wish....

This one sounds totally on the up and up....

Dearest in Christ,

Greetings in the name of our Lord; I am Sister Mary Johnson an ageing widow suffering from long time illness. I am currently admitted in a private hospital here in Abidjan the capital city of Cote D'Ivoire. I have some funds I inherited from my late loving husband Late Mr. Patrick Johnson, the sum of US$10.500, 000.00 which he deposited in a Bank here and I need a very honest and God fearing Christian that can use this funds for God's work and 25% out of the total funds will be for your compensation for doing this work of
God. I found your email address from the internet and decided to contact you.

Please if you would be able to use these funds for the Lord's work kindly reply immediately so that i will give you the contact of the bank where the money is deposited.

Yours Sister in the Lord,

Sister Mary Johnson.

Well, hell, this was just a bad read all the way around.
  1. I'm not a Christian
  2. I'm not god-fearing (except for Loki, with whom I have an abiding respect and non-intervention pact)
  3. I do not live in a country where funds are expressed with decimals
  4. I do not do the Lord's work
  5. I do not trust anything out of the Ivory Coast
  6. Shouldn't a nun be able to get healing from either a catholic hospital, catholic charity, or --you know-- pray.
  7. Ageing widows are the way widows are preferred; young widows are sadder (and usually hotter); and, finally,
  8. I am mistrustful of the clergy generally, and nuns specifically.

And, since they watch me sleep, you can't blame me either...


Friday woke up with one thing on it's mind...

...here's a to (re)productive Weekend. TGIF MF'ers!

Admit it; there's literally not a segment of the U.S. Population who can't find something to like about Salt-n-Peppa'



EASILY THE BEST CONTENT this blog has ever, ever produced.

As promised on multiple occasions over the past two weeks, I have the most awesome story ever. Seemingly taken from the pages of pulp fiction ripped from the outakes of 2010's Summer Blockbuster, Kick-Ass, comes the (pardon the pun) most kick ass thing ever...

Honest to god costumed "superheroes"

The name's Jones, Phoenix Jones

Here is an excerpt from the Seattle Post Intelligencer/Seattle Crime.com
“I’m Phoenix Jones. I’m from the Seattle area. And I fight crime.”

That’s how local masked man Phoenix Jones introduced himself to a group of boisterous college students sitting outside of the Chipotle restaurant in the University District Friday night, as I accompanied him on his nightly patrol.

Does that get your blood pumping? Feeling hyped? Well it damn well should. But, any old whack job can claim to be a superhero....it takes something special to actually fight crime, right? Indeed. That said, let's see our newest hero in action, shall we?

You can say "No way, No way." But, goddammit, that's what they said about Batman too.
And, for these unfortunate carjackers, they bit off more justice than they could handle....

That's right, Phoenix Jones patrolling the mean streets of Seattle, one man driven by vengeance, eaten by conscience, and consumed by vigilantism. And, guess what criminal elements of the underworld, hatching your nefarious plots with your toadies and molls in tow? Phoenix Jones ain't alone. 

Last week, the Seattle Police Department’s Robbery unit sent out an internal memo to officers, warning them that they may soon encounter Jones or his fellow costumed do-gooders—"Thorn," Buster Doe," "Green Reaper," "Gemini," "No Name," "Catastrophe," "Thunder 88," and "Penelope,” according to the memo—who have popped up on Seattle’s increasingly weird streets over the last year.

SPD had a run in with Jones earlier this month when a concerned citizen called police and reported a potential robbery after they spotted two masked men pull their Kia Forte in to a Capitol Hill gas station with its headlights off in the middle of the night.

The masked men were gone by the time officers arrived, but robbery detectives tracked Jones to his secret lair outside of Seattle and spoke with Jones’ Godmother, who told police he "dresses up like a superhero and goes out with his friends at night and does good deeds," according to an internal police document.

Fear-stricken citizens, despair no longer, thanks to Penolope, Phoenix Jones, No Name and others, the weird streets of Seattle are getting a little safer. But, it's not just Seattle that has a new cadre of caped crusaders. All across the country, in an effort to make every 14 year old boy's dream come true, superheroes and superhero associations are springing up!

Hell, they've even got their own websites for the budding, would-be vigilante lurking within:  With consortiums such as "Real Life Superheroes Project"...which includes a freaking registry of those who walk among us.

But, what if you want to be more lethal, have better gadgets, cooler costumes? Is there something for that? Damn skippy, there is! As Mr. Ravenblade suggests on his website, regarding developing your own supergadgets:

You will have the easiest time if you are a company ordering some of the items before the people will risk selling them to you. Sure, there is always online auction sites like EBay, but in the end having your own LLC created to be the buyer with money you fund allows you to get a wider range of stuff, makes all your research tax deductable if you have a good accountant, will usually help you get materials cheaper and most importantly will help educate you and help keep your actions within the bounds of the law. I highly suggest that basic business skills and the creation of an LLC (if your state allows them, if not ask your accountant about an S Corporation) be part of your RLSH training. T. Stark did it, B. Wayne did it, why shouldn't you?

Mr. Silent here (reppin' Indianapolis) rocks a pretty sweet Destro look.

Alas, all is not paradise in our real world's Metropolis. Just as Superman and Batman have their tiffs, so too do our own masked avengers occasionally have a rift. The above Phoenix Jones currently has beef with Seattle's other prominent hero, Mr. Ravenblade.

The sad, sordid tale is here

FWIW: I think Mr. Ravenblade has got the better end of the argument here.

So, is this a hoax, nerd wet dreams being realized, or are we seeing a new era in Samaritans, ones with gadgets, masks and a willingness to hit back against the elements terrorizing us? 

Rather, it's as Minneapolis' Geist says

“I’m basically just a guy who tries to do some good things. I’ve succeeded at some, had marginal success at others, and have had my fair share of total screw-ups.”

You know what? At the end of the day, that's all we can ask to be, and all we can ask to do. But, as Mr. Ravenblade says, sometimes that's enough....
It is really not that hard to save a life or change the world. you just have to be dedicated, and be willing to step up and protect others.


Thursday keeps its promises...

Speaking of promises, I promise three things to you

  1. That I will post my kick-ass story out of Seattle that I've been promising for nearly two weeks
  2. That I will either finish or get another installment of the "Alphabetical of Simple Pleasures" up
  3. And, I promise that there is such a critter as "Christian Goth". Among them is today's selection,
    "Saviour Machine", with The Promise

Not that there's anything wrong with being both Goth and being a Christian, in that Lord Byron/Emily Dickinson/Victoria era sorta' way.

But, I do have reservations about this whole "bedecked in white" schtick. And, I particularly have a problem with the proselytizing going on here. And, it's a damn shame too: It's a good band with talented musicians, and I suppose that they are entitled to whatever creative license they wish, but it still strikes me as....queer (in all of its non-homosexual connotations). 



Shout out to the GLBT peeps...

As with so many diverse groups in the world, people that have enriched our lives in ways small and large, I am pleased to congratulate the GLBT community on the opening of their first museum of history.

Alan Turing, DiVinci, Michealangelo, Oscar Wilde and far too many to name have redefined our world, made it a better place, and in some cases, have saved the world. Here's to the long overdue recognition of your accomplishments.

If you're in San Francisco, drop by, drop in and be surprised at what (and who) you didn't know about the history of homosexuals.

Did you have to put it in the Castro District, though?

Wednesday wants to know...

..when did this week become a car crash? A slow-rolling, unavoidable crash?

I suppose the better question, really, is not when but how? Be that as it may, it's upon us, and needs to be met like virginal sex: straight on, with little foreplay, and much trepidation.

 Any chance I can get to post this picture, I will...

Speaking of crashes, let the inimitable Patricia Day tell you about cars, and a particular stretch of Highway 55, where the ladies go to disappear, in more ways than one...

Lyrics go now...
On Highway 55,
Six feet under,
Where no one can find her,
By Milestone 91,
A few feet from the road,
The desert running through her,

Lucille was a pretty girl,
A little Nevada pearl,
Black hair framing her face,
A little quirky on the world,
Liked Las Vegas City Lights,
Liked to sit up all night,
Needed a little rest on the bench,
And thats where, he found her,

On Highway 55,
Six feet under,
Where no one can find her,
By Milestone 91,
A few feet from the road,
The desert running through her,

In her little summer dress,
She was put to rest,
Where the sand blows hard,
Under distant stars,
Pale hand lays above ground,
Beauty to be found,
So many lives pass by,
Never seeing Lucille,

On Highway 55,
Six feet under,
Where no one can find her,
By Milestone 91,
A few feet from the road,
The desert running through her,

By red tail lights
He dug her down,
And the sand rushed,
Over sweet Lucille's chest,
In the pale moon light,
Still a pretty sight,
Oh; Lucille

On Highway 55,
Six feet under,
Where no one can find her,
By Milestone 91,
A few feet from the road,
The desert running through her,

By red tail lights,
He dug her down,
Oh; Lucille

On Highway 55,
Six feet under,
Where no one can find her,
By milestone 91,
A few feet from the road,
The desert running through her,

Oh; Lucille.


Real life is going to intrude today: Advice for law newbies

I can already tell real life is going to kick my ass...Been up for 5 hours, and -as I feared- the multitude of scattered tasks I have are taking a toll.

Look on the bright side at least; my new secretary is balls-out phenomenal. Remember, new attorneys, always be kind to both court staff and support staff. The former because, as I can tell you first hand, a law clerk is more than likely writing your order/findings & conclusions, as well as the fact that court clerks can fuck your life forever. The latter because your secretary is not only a part of your team, but is the gatekeeper against legal malpractice.

Don't be one of these....

And, for all persons, it simply is the right thing to do: They are human beings and nothing about your fucking degree makes you special or any more worthy as a person or legal/paralegal professional.

So, let's hear it for secretaries, shall we, in a Pinup Tribute to the folks that make our professional lives manageable.

 Can't complain about the hours, can you...
FWIW, if my secretary looked like this, I'm pretty sure the Fetching Frau Schatten would never let me work early or late ever again.


Tuesday Bluesday

Ugh. Bad morning. Still fighting a lingering flu bug going around; knees killing me; sleepy as hell; and a lot of little tasks are taking up my time.

All in all, not a great start to the day. I hereby proclaim that we rename the days of the work week:

Monday = Mournsday
Tuesday = Bluesday
Wednesday = Grimsday*
Thursday = Hurtsday
Friday = Sighday

*That works surprisingly well, since Odin (Wodan/Wodan, etc) is precisely where we derive Wednesday from, and Grim is one of his appellations. So, in that spirit, Fuck It. Let's listen to Viking Rock, shall we?

Amon Amarth, Danish purveyors of Cheesiness. But, there is something about this song that I do love, very much. I love how the singer guy here has the Hammer of Thor when, as we all know, his ass would have been a farmer, along with the abiding majority of Norsemen.

We like to think it would be all pillaging and razing towns, but if you want to see what happens when you give Germans/Danes/Swedes/Norwegians the opportunity to not go a-viking, think "Dakotas".

Lord, it's going to be a weird day.



Get that paper, lawya'...

The degree will always be there.

He was so titchy as a freshman.

I don't blog much about football; although it is an abiding passion, there are several others that do it much better than I. Although, as most folks know, I am a huge follower (and dual alum) of the University of Alabama, one of the quintessential football schools in the country (and, to their credit, one of the finer public schools in the nation).

 Come for the football, leave with a crippling cocaine addiction, alcoholism, a spouse and and one helluva' education.

Last year, for the first time in our nearly 120 year football history (although the University is going on 200 years pretty soon), we had a Heisman trophy winner. Added to that, was our 13th National Championship. Well, all good things come to an end,  and this weekend, we must bid adieu to three stalwarts off of that team who are leaving early.

Julio Jones (8) / Mark Ingram (22)

DE/Beastmode Marcel Dareus, All-everything WR/Beastmode Julio Jones, and Heisman winner, two-time All-American Mark Ingram. All three are projected to go in the first round of the NFL draft. All three have been terrors on the field, team players, contributors to the classroom and community, and --especially in the case of Ingram-- ambassador to the University.

Marcel Dareus (57) / Ingram. 
Champions all.

That said, go get that paper, lawya's. Play hard. Play well. Make your deserved money. Continue to represent the larger Alabama family with dignity. We are proud of you. But, when all is said and done, come home and get your degree. It'll be waiting for you.

Mark Ingram's Heisman acceptance speech: A more humble, grounded superstar you will never see.
Not a dry eye in the place, either.

A story you won't hear from the bigoted Right...

Damn Muzelims gonna' destroy 'Merica an' our Chrishan Nashun...

Quick food for thought today regarding our Jihadi friends in the Middle East, via AhramOnline. Seems that our murderous Muslim friends are up to their old ways...threats of violence against Christians, armed sectarian violence, and human shields.
Except for one very crucial distinction

Egypt’s majority Muslim population stuck to its word Thursday night. What had been a promise of solidarity to the weary Coptic community, was honoured, when thousands of Muslims showed up at Coptic Christmas eve mass services in churches around the country and at candle light vigils held outside. 

From the well-known to the unknown, Muslims had offered their bodies as “human shields” for last night’s mass, making a pledge to collectively fight the threat of Islamic militants and towards an Egypt free from sectarian strife.

 Copts: Huh? Did we hear that right?

Yes, you read that correctly. Far from decrying religious pluralism, call for a renewed Caliphate and Jihadis arming themselves to the teeth, rather, the Muslim pledge to honor and protect the lives and freedoms of other religious adherents was instead honored in Egypt. 

And, not just honored, but protected at the price of their very lives.

This is not about us and them,” said Dalia Mustafa, a student who attended mass at Virgin Mary Church on Maraashly Street. “We are one. This was an attack on Egypt as a whole, and I am standing with the Copts because the only way things will change in this country is if we come together.”

Just when I abandon all faith in humanity, and believe that we will wipe ourselves out in the names of our imaginary friends, I read stories like this

And, for the first time in a long time, the misty-eyed sensation I felt was from hope.


Monday, why must you be here already?

Too much drama on Mondays. Speaking of which, please take this moment to enjoy the softer side of your author, as he enjoys the splendid Human Drama's, "Madame Hate's Mad Search for Love".

In fairness, we're all a little desperate...