Happy Hallowmas: Remembrance of those who have passed

Not much blogging today, in honor of the Hallowmas, a time of remembrance for those who have left us. I will perform my normal Hallow'eve ritual tonight: baking the grains of the Earth with love and care for everyone who has passed beyond. I will pour a dark spirit for each of their smiles and tears and laughter and words. And I will light a candle for the brief light that was their life. So, take a minute today to remember your loved ones, but -by all means- have fun, and be safe.

Requiem Aeternitas.

“There are stars who's light only reaches the earth long after they have fallen appart. There are people who's remembrance gives light in this world, long after they have passed away. This light shines in our darkest nights on the road we must follow.” -Talmud

Happy Halloween: Be My Prey!

After Dark by Seraphim Shock.

Beware the Witch-Cursed Candy...

This is Satan. He likes candy.

Here's some news from our right-wing, god-licking friends at Pat Robertson's lil' digs, CBN: Apparently, not only is Halloween the Holiday of Satan, but, unbeknownst to all of us, all of these years, "most of the candy sold [at Halloween] has been dedicated and prayed over by witches" (ed. note: what the fuck?!)

He really, really likes candy corn.

Yep, not only are candy, Halloween, trick or treating and monster movies Satanic, but now, even the damned witches have gotten in on the act. They've introduced curses to those without the good sense to have their Godly, psychic defenses up.

Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference.

Shit. We're going to have to get busy. The U.S. will sell 1/4 of all its candy in one night, and106 million people will participate in trick or treating. But, there's only three of us.

This "Blog" is worth a read for its breath-taking stupidity, its incredible credulity and the stultifying 15th century superstitious mindset evidenced by these people. Now, would you like to hear something really scary? These people vote...in a 21st century democracy*


*Got some brain cells you want to kill? Check out "The Halloween Deception" at the very lucid (snicker snicker) website, Exposing Satanism


The South Will Rise Again: With Cooties.

If she's a Tri-Delt, she's just as apt to have them too.

I devote a great deal of oxygen and send a lot of love to my homeland, the sovereign nation that's been occupied by Yankees since 1865
, the South. Among the things I (righly) extoll are the phenomenal regional cuisine, perfected by decendents of African and Caribb slaves and the Scot-Irish who settled the area. The South is truly America's cornucopia, with bountiful fish, fowl and game, dozens of fruits, nut and berries, legumes and all the vegetables you could ever want. So, big ups for Southern food.

We win this one every time.

I also (rightly) extoll our cultural and regional love affair with college football. The NFL is for the North; Hockey is for Canada; Baseball is for the summer --and the summer only; Basketball is largely forgotten; and Soccer is for communists. Any glib research on the subject will show you how different it is, being not only our metaphor for war against the rest of the United States, but also our own peculiar secular religion of sorts.

This is Bear Bryant. He is Alabama's, but he defined Southern football for three decades. We win.

I could go on about the decency of the people, the things we've overcome together, the scenic beauty, etc. However, there are other things that make one less proud: Southern Baptists come to mind, the occasional redneck that sets everyone back forty years, idiotic overly pious and nearly-insane corrput politicians, the clearly defined class struggle, etc. But, the one thing we've got to be most worried about, are cooties.

Sure, I'll come back to your house. It doesn't matter that I don't have a condom? GREAT!

Yes, cooties, particularly crotch cooties are rampant in the South. I think it's a product of religous life choking out available information on STD prevention, sometimes shoddy public education, poverty, the fact that we really like to party. Whatever it is, there is no denying that we simply do give one another non-lethal STDs at a staggering rate. Look at this chart from the CDC...

As you can see, with Syphillis the South really represents: Louisiana, Alabama, Georgia, Tennessee, Texas and Florida all apear in the Top 10. While 70% of the  "clap" States are also Southern: South Carolina, Alabama, Georgia, North Carolina, Tennessee, Louisiana and Mississippi. And, of course, we gotta' represent on Chlamydia, and Mississippi, Alabama, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia and Tennessee can help you there.

Yes, the Southern Belles are cute, especially at Ole Miss...What? Read below?

Der Schatten is pleased to award Bonus Points to South Carolina which finished in the Top 3 in two Categories (Clap and Chlamydia), and DOUBLE POINTS to Mississippi which finished First in those categories. Again, there's nothing to worry about, it's non-lethal and is all in good fun. The South reminds you enjoy the ride, but make damned sure you get tested.

Sure I been tested baby. It don't matter anyway; generic penicillin is just $4 at Wal-Greens

H/T to O, who had this link in one of his features a few days ago.

Today's Hot Nerd: Pauley Perrette's Southern Gothic

Much more my style...

Meet Ms. Pauley Perrette, the true epitome of the Renaissance woman. Even though she is not beautiful in the classic sense, she is oddly attractive and has a killer body. Also, in the things of which I wholly approve, she's got the whole Southern Gothic thing down to a tee, as she's a native Louisianan, and has also made stops in Tennessee, Georgia, Alabama , North and South Carolina.

Johnny Cash wasn't the only cracker who looked great in black...

Besides being A) goth-tacular and B) sexy, Pauley is a world class nerd and hella' talented chick. She earned her undergrad in Psych and Sociology, and then went on to earn her Master in Criminology. She is of course an actress on the popular snuff show, NCIS, where she plays the gothabilly lab tech, Abby Sciuto. In addition to her acting, she was also a musician, fronting the four-piece (now defunct) all-female rock/metal band, Lo-Ball. You really must check them out...good songs. As if that weren't enough, the inimitable Perrette also is a civil rights activist, and a spokesperson for the American Red Cross.

 You may know her from NCIS,  but she also has some serious NSFW creds (can you believe she is 40?! I know 22 year olds whose breasts aren't that pert).

Take a bow, Pauley. Take a bow.

Friday Faves: Seraphim Shock

Little Gothic by Seraphim Shock. Absolutely one of my two or three favorite bands in the world. This post-punkabilly, industrial metal band from Denver keeps teasing me with the promise of a new release and tour. Enjoy kids.

The Japanese Amputee, Lolita, Sleepy Sex, Hentai sex toy catalog

Warning: This post gets progressively twisted; in fact, probably a bit disturbing even for me. Those easily freaked out should probably go look at these movies of puppies.

Look, a puppy!

If you've read this for a while, or have been foolish enough to browse the archives with what little time we have in the Western World, then you've discovered my love of the Japanese: Their sense of humor (faking an assassination, you know, just for fun), their random oddness, their wonderful culture. I just like and respect the nation, its history and its truly eccentric society. However, there is one facet of the Japanese modern culture which I love above all others: Their downright weird consumer culture...such as the lap pillow...

...and the "man thong"...

....and their game shows....

Today's featured consumer products are no exception. In fact, I don't think I could ever find A) a consumer catalog this odd, and B) anyone other than the Japanese that would even think of manufacturing (much less selling) this line of sex products....

(Cont'd after the jump, but fair warning, this catalog is absolutely twisted**).


What makes it so wonderful...the love.

Iowa State, an ag school with a deceidly-abominable track record at most sports, went into Lincoln, NE and beat the 600 lb gorilla known as the Nebraska Cornhuskers. They forced 8 turnovers in the sloppy win, but the emotion and the heart is what makes this game. Good, good stuff...

I.Am.So.Scared: Russians attack!!!

If the Russians thought the Mujahidin were bad ass, let them try and roll into a State of heavily-armed Baptists. 
Click to John Holmes this image.

Your Country is Fucked Special Edition: All Brits are secretly pedophiles.


The world's largest surveillance society has fast become the largest nanny state as well...

Dear 11 million otherwise-loving, attentive British parents, 

        We know that you think you really love your children. However, in these sickening, morally-bankrupt times, you must ask yourself, "Do I really love my children? Is my emotion one of filial love, or is my affection of a darker, more sinister and sexual nature?" Believe me, parents, we here on Downing Street ask ourselves that everyday.

       As you are aware, we have begun a serious crack-down on child abuse and exploitation. However, while the Yanks talk tough, and pretend to protect their children, we're doing something about it. The important first step in the British Bum Busters program recognizes that the greatest evil, and quickest source of sexual predation, begins with the adults that children are exposed to everyday, the ones who allegedly "love" them...Mum and Da.

We know why you had children, you depraved git.

     Therefore, we are pleased to announce that we are beginning  a special pilot project to protect our precious future. Beginning at the Township of Watford, henceforth no adults shall be permitted to supervise children on the 1/2 acre designated play sites. Instead, pre-screened adult "play rangers", those adults we've deemed to be moral and lacking lewdness, shall monitor your children: Here are the rules, as promulgated by your Benevolent State:

The rules have been imposed at Harwoods and Harebreaks adventure recreation grounds.
Activities on the half acre sites include a skateboard half-pipe, a zip line, rope swings, den building, arts and crafts, plus a wide range of indoor and outdoor sports activities.
Play rangers currently patrol both parks – which are specifically for children aged five to 15 – and are fully qualified and have been cleared by the Criminal Records Bureau (CRB).
Parents already have to 'register' their child on arrival at the free playgrounds so staff have their contact details in the event of an accident.
But now only those who have been CRB vetted by the council can enter the sites, which are surrounded by six foot high steel and wooden fences.

 To serve and protect...from dangers that you didn't even know existed.

      Parents, of course, may still watch their children play through the fence, although we regret that you may not enter the playground area to swing with children, see-saw or engage in other potential foreplay activities. We understand that this may represent a bit of a change for you, but remember, these changes are in place to protect your children, and -more importantly- to protect your children from you. As always, please join me this afternoon for tea as we celebrate the glory of Britain, and the Two Minute Hate.

Very truly yours,
Prime Minister

Thursday Remembers When Metallica Didn't Suck: One

The first video ever for the heralded metal band Metallica, "One". Up until this moment, Metallica was a known commodity among critics and fans in the know, but they did not have the commercial success to match their considerable talents. And Justice for All...finally brought them that recognition, and was perhaps the crowning moment of the late Cliff Burton's song-writing talents.* However, while touring for Master of Puppets, we lost him in a bus accident, and the music world (to say nothing of the band) is much poorer for his absence. 

It is no coincidence that the band's next release (the Black Album, with such putrescence as "Enter Sandman," "Unforgiven," "Nothing Else Matters," etc.) was the first without Cliff and it clearly reflected a lack of his fire and brilliance. The rest you know e.g., turning into sell-out whores, Napster mafiosos, becoming dry drunks and wanna' be Southern Rockers. However, for now, sit back and enjoy artists at the peak of their genius.


Lane Kiffin: Straight Balla'

From Tennessee Volunteer football coach Lane Kiffin's Twitter feed:

looking forward to another great practice today and a huge game saturday...also a huge shout-out to Lil Wayne for boosting our street cred!

That is piss my pants funny, since his dad has been a college and pro coach (and mullionaire) for over 30 years...little Lane is a gangsta' 34, was born in the tough streets of Bloomington, MN, and while his peeps were out pimpin' tha' hoes, he was earning his degree in "Leisure Services Management" at Fresno State. But, yep, he knows from street creds.


Fucking with Spammers: Male Prostitution Edition

Whoot!!! I'm rich!!! First on the list: Invest in a harem!!!

Among my useless, but amusing, hobbies is fucking with spammers: I never really got a chance to screw with the Nigerian Bank Scam guy, because that teat dried up long before I got into the habit of responding to them. However, Loki must have blessed me today, because I finally got the "Dear X, a relative has died and you get Y money" email. I was very excited, and spun what I consider to be one of my finest replies*:

Loki approves of me fomenting chaos.

From Mr. Scammer (identity not protected...send him one!)

--- On Mon, 10/26/09, From Mr.Ernest Dadanu wrote:

From: From Mr.Ernest Dadanu
Subject: With Due Respect
To: concave.scream@yahoo.com
Date: Monday, October 26, 2009, 3:41 PM


- Dear Friend,Pls i want you to read this letter very carefully and i must apologize for barging this message into your mail box without any formal introduction due to the urgency and confidential of this issue and i know that this message will come to you as a surprise, Pls this is not a joke and i will not like you to joke with it.I am Mr.Ernest Dadanu, a Manager in Bank of Africa (BOA) Ouagadougou , Burkina faso .I Hoped that you will not expose or betray this trust and confident that i am about to establish with you for the mutual benefit of me and you.I need your urgent assistance in transferring the sum of ($15)millions usd into your account within 7working banking days. This money has been dormant for years in our Bank without claim due to the owner of this fund died along with his entire family and supposed next of kin in an air crash since July 31st 2000.Pls go through the website(http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm)I want our bank to release this funds to you as the nearest person to our deceased customer while i come over to your country to share this fund with you as soon as you confirm this fund into your account and ask me to come over.I don't want the money to go into our Bank treasure as an abandoned fund. So this is the reason why i contacted you so that our bank will release this money to you as the next of kin to the deceased customer. Please I would like you to keep this proposal as a top secret and delete it if you are not interesting.Upon the receipt of your reply and indication of your capability, i will give you full details on how the business will be executed and also note that you will have 45% of the above mentioned sum if you agree to handle this business with me while 50% will be for me and 5% for any expenses that may arise on the process, Because i don't want anyone here in our bank to know my involvement until you confirm this fund into your account and ask me to come over for the sharing as i indicated.Am looking forward hearing from you immediately,Thanks with my best regards Mr.Ernest Dadanu.

My Response:

Dear Mr. Dadanu,
I must say your email comes as a blessing and a surprise, count me in! But first, let me explain (I'm really lonely these days) why I'm so desperate: The past few months have been difficult ones for me. As you probably know, the economy here in America is really, really shaky, so finding employment is difficult. In my case, locating a new job has been almost impossible, because I am now an ex-felon.

See, I recently lost my job as  --let's be honest-- first as upscale male prostitute, later as a back-alley ass whore. I began as a "power bottom" and "otter slut" for many of the insurance and finance executives here in Omaha. I filled a role (and a few holes) that their wives otherwise would not. However, getting the word out was kind of tough, and got more difficult as the economy started to tank. You know how it is, Mr. Dadanu (can I call you Ernest?) when the economy goes sour: People start looking to trim the budget, tighten the old belt: No more operas, fine dining, trips to Hong Kong (you have a beautiful country, by the way), and certainly no more boy toy to accompany them.  So, having a hard time retaining and finding new clients,on the advice of a supposed friend, I shed my independent mantle and turned to a "broker" (you could call him a pimp), named Seutonius "Sweet" Gonzales.

Sweet was definitely not who he turned out to be. Oh, I mean at first he was caring and loving and a gentle lover. I always slept soundly in his arm (he's an ex-Navy SEAL and lost the other one in Operation Desert Shield). He had the best sense of humor, and I've never heard someone tell a funnier Holocaust joke than Sweet. He was so thoughtful too, he always knew what kind of beer to bring me when I was feeling low, or which salve to put on my sore bum. Then the relationship started to sour after just a few weeks. I wanted to leave, but I couldn't...I just loved that big bear of a man (and his bigger cock!). As the months dragged on, the sex turned more violent, when we had it at all, but I was addicted. The intimacy was just gone, and we began to fight more and more. But, he was a really passive-aggressive sort who wouldn't just yell, he would attack me in subtler, but no less cruel, ways: drinking out of the milk carton, flushing the toilet when I was in the shower, asking me if I left the iron on (when he KNOWS that I have OCD), smoking my last cigarette, that kind of thing.

Then, he started to beat me...not in that "let's get you a little bloody for the make-up sex" kind of beating: He whipped the shit out of me (literally, he made me cut my own switches from the birch tree out back before he striped my back and ass and legs). The beatings became more severe and more frequent. The last one was particularly severe, when I told him I was not comfortable "barebacking" his new clients of decidedly poorer hygeine (and poorer financial means!) To make a long story short, he put me in the hospital when I told him I was quitting...and, guess what else I found out at the hospital? That bastard gave me syphillis. Turns out he really didn't lose his leg (and testicle) in Iraq, he had grangenous syphillis. If you've never seen it, it looks like this:

But, the worst betrayal came as I was laying in the hospital with my jaw wired shut (my moneymaker!), the FBI came in along with the Douglas Country Sheriffs and the Omaha police. Seems that bastard had called all the authorities to report that I was a prostitute --and a pervert! He told the cops that I was running a prostitution ring out of rest area bathrooms (true, but that's because HE made ME!) and also told them that I wasperforming oral sex on teenage boys. The nerve of that son of a bitch. I mean, it WAS a glory hole, after all...the thrill is that they ARE ANONYMOUS! How was I supposed to know that some of the smaller penises belonged to his sons? (Another surprise there...he's also MARRIED! WITH KIDS!!).

Needless to say, the police didn't believe, the prosecutors wouldn't believe me, and the judge had no sympathy whatsoever. So, now, I've got my sentencing on Dec. 13th of this year. So, any money that I can get will greatly assist me in getting the hell out of the country, and somewhere I can ply my trade (and not go to prison!) What's the male prostitution market like in Hong Kong? Perhaps you and I can work out an "arrangement". Or, if that's not your style, I'll bet working at a large financial institution you know lots of people right? Anyway, we can work out those details when you come.

That said, I REALLY would be delighted to take you up on this offer. By my reckoning, 45% of $15 million USD would be close $4.5 million after miscellaneous fees, your 50%, and any taxes that I will need to pay to the State of Nebraska, as well as Federal taxes. I've already contacted the IRS and the State Department of Revenue to see what I need to do about paying them. I can understand you want a little secrecy, and that makes sense, so the only person I've told is my realtor, my lawyer and I might want to hire a financial adviser too. Anyway, please advise on how we can this done AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. How quickly can you come to the States? I look forward to hearing from you, Ernest, and thanks again!! I'M RICH!!!

Mr. D. Schatten.

*In case it escaped the NSA's attention (and I know you bastards are snooping) not a single word of the reply is true.


Offending white girls, the Chinese, the President and the phrase "Real Negro"

In today's completely random YouTube moment. I bring you the damned funny, if not culturally insensitive, Mr. Peter Chao. Peter is an aspiring filmmaker and I hope he makes it. Check out his YouTube channel, and, at the end of this post, listen to him hate on YouTube haters (decidedly NSFW)*

Stop me if you've heard this before....So, there are these two Chinese guys chilling out in their Vancouver Chinatown apartment. One of them is hanging in his bathrobe, cuddling a can of room deodorizer as a trophy and re-enacting Taylor Swift's MTV Video Music Award Speech. Then our protagonist, Peter Chao enters, mthusiastically playing the role of Kanye West, and explaining his love of her "fatty ass" and his fear of Jay Z.  All the while, our dynamic duo speak in "Gunsmoke" Hop Sing* dialect, and manage to work in the phrase "Real Negro" when comparing Kanye to Obama**?  Verdict is PURE WIN 

**Hop Sing find this wrideo -oh so- hirarious

***Whereas, Obama just thinks he's a jackass....

***You wanna be te guy rit te two chopsticka stuck in te troat? Pure fucking gold...

Wednesday Wakeup: Sex and Sanguinary Delight Edition

Boils and Ghouls, meet Italy's Theatres Des Vampires wih a remix of their excellent club track La Danse Macabre Du Vampire. This interesting little goth industrial band does two things, and two things only: sanguinary sex and exultation of the same (I dare you to deny that succubus sex doesn't have a place in your darkest fantasies).

  Of course, the band's unstated objective of blood, sex and hermetic magick is made easier when the front person is the demoniacally hot, and tastefully slutty, Sonya Scarlet. Per Wiki: Scarlet often cuts herself with razor blades, freely letting fans drink her blood, promising them the gift of immortality. In 2005 several English clubs forbade her performing the display of bloodletting, because it violates English laws against the incitement to commit suicide.

This is the Holy Grail of vinyl-clad asses...and there's plenty more where that came from.*

* Going out an a limb here and suggesting that this particular Google Image search is probably NSFW


Menstruation: You're doing it wrong...

This is what happens when parents don't have the "chat"...their poor son doesn't know whether to use pads or tampons.
Click to John Holmes this image, from YahooAnswerFail.com

There are such things as stupid questions: Sausage Fingers

What? It was just a question?!

Yahoo Answers can lay claim to single-handedly taking the concept of Jeeves' Ask and turning it into a bastion of perversity, mild retardation and sometimes just downright creepiness. Of course, these things can be amusing if done correctly: The below submission is one such instance. (click to John Holmes the image).

This is why IPs are logged...

Speaking of molesters, and those who deservedly should rot in hell and/or be eviscerated by a pack of wild dogs. This little item comes to us from Indianapolis (and the Most Boring Blog in the World):

CARLISLE, Ind. — An inmate serving life in prison for molesting and killing 10-year-old Katie Collman is now the subject of an investigation into how he ended up with the tattoo “Katie’s Revenge” emblazoned across his forehead *  *   *

Stockelman was sentenced to life in prison after pleading guilty to abducting, molesting and killing Katlyn “Katie” Collman. The Crothersville girl was missing for five days before her body was found Jan. 30, 2005, in a creek about 15 miles from her Southern Indiana home.
Although prison officials did not comment on how Stockelman got the tattoo, Collman’s father, John Neace, believes it was the work of inmates. “If I had to guess, I’d say it’s a statement from the inmates,” he said Wednesday.

Let me begin my telling you that I worked in the courts and justice system of one of the most humane, fair states in the nation.  One, like Indiana, that does not have the death penalty. And, this is absolutely what happens to child molesting, murderous creepers in prisons all over the country, whether they're awaiting the death sentence or not: It doesn't matter the age, race, sex or geographic origin of the perpetrator or the prison population, if you harm a child, then you spend your remaining existence being raped, tortured, sodomized, dominated, beaten and --if there is a God-- dying a painful, protracted death involving sexual humiliation.

Yes, the guards knew this was happening. No, they're not breaking it up, and, fuck no, Amnesty is not burning candles for your ass...

Here's the secret: EVERYONE knew this was coming. Judges know it's going to happen, the prosecutors know it's going to happen, the defense attorneys know it's going to happen, the warden and guards know it's going to happen...no one just gives much of a shit, and no one is going to interrupt the social order and pack dominance displays either. This Lord of the Flies, anarchic violence suits everyone just fine if you molest, harm and/or kill a kid. And that's just the way it's always been, and no "civilizing" force on this planet can (or should) interrupt it.*

* Yes, I have a child.

Tuesday asks, How You Like Me Now?

Kool Moe Dee: Amazing sound, good vid quality and one of the (very) few bright spots of 1987...

Code Monkey: All Done with the XML

Like the title says, I'm all done toying around with the script, and have completed the additions/revisions to the cite. Among the changes:

1. Each post includes a hyperlink for Facebook sharing, a Stumble Recommend button, and an option to add to Twitter. Feel free to use liberally.

If the Internet were a drug, StumbleUpon would be the John Belushi speedball special...

2. Over on the sidebar to your left, stage right, is the map showing the location of visitors over each three hour span...it's kind of neat to see where folks come from: Like many amoeba forming a slime mold, we're all in this together....

Let's hang!

3. And, for shits n' giggles, I've added my Twitter feed to the same sidebar. Feel free to add me to your list, and I'll do likewise, or find me at http://twitter.com/gothlaw.

So, that's all for the nonce; in the meanwhile, have some CODE MONKEY!

Jonathan Coulton is way too talented for his day job, unless said day job involves only being a singer/songwriter.


Lard: Not just for foreplay...

God, how I love the old advertisements. People selling shit that people not only didn't need, but, in many cases, were just downright hazardous to your health.*

Visceral  deposits around piggy kidneys? Mushy, subcutaneous skin? Caul fat surrounding the porkers' digestive organs? Hell, sign me up...

Among the best were adverts for lard, not just as a tasty shortening and the world's best chicken-frying substrate**, but how lard was actually marketed as hip, as an apparent aphrodesiac for new lovers, and -my favorite- as a health food. But, what is this tasty goodness known as lard? From Wiki:

The highest grade of lard, known as leaf lard, is obtained from the "flare" visceral fat deposit surrounding the kidneys and inside the loin....The next highest grade of lard is obtained from fatback, the hard subcutaneous fat between the back skin and muscle of the pig. The lowest grade is obtained from the soft caul fat surrounding digestive organs, such as small intestines, though caul fat is often used directly as a wrapping for roasting lean meats or in the manufacture of pâtés.

Vegetarians will never know what they're missing by ingesting globs of aerosolized pig fat steamed right off of its small intestines...

There were two big hitters in the lard advertising heyday. Among my personal favorites were the old British Lard Marketing Board ads.

Ah, to be young and in love, and balls-deep in lard again...

What's not to love about lard? According the excellent Nutritional Data website, lard has a lot to offer the consumer of livestock remnants. For starters, 1 oz of lard can give you a heart healthy serving of cholesterol. And, second, in America -where more is better- who can argue with the logic of your fat actually having fat?

The only thing I can think to do with a product that has 205g of fat is to use it as a fisting lube.

Sure, lard may be fattening, but what about the actual health effects of lard? Per the British Lard Marketing Board, this shortening is not only every newlywed's fantasy, but is also a healthy choice for that glutton-on-go.... 

You don't know how many times I've been exercising and have gotten a craving that only slaughterhouse by-products can satisfy...

But, don't think that the limeys get all the delicious enjoyment of rendered, liquefied offal and animal parts. Americans love them some lard too, as is evidenced by our own version of the BLMB, the Lard Information Council....

Now, this is truth in advertising...

So, there you have it: delicious, wholesome, democratic shortening. A rendered animal part that keeps your biscuits flaky and pays the price for your freedoms.***

*Der Schatten would remind you that everything you ever see in an advertisement, especially advertising on the internet, is 100% true, can be taken at face value and is be trusted as though it were Gospel. Remember, Corporations, just like the Government, believes in giving you all of the information and letting you make fully informed, intelligent decisions. They have nothing to gain from lying.
** I wasn't kidding about lard making the best fried chicken...
*** And, I wish I were kidding about people using lard as a lube...THIS link is too horrifying to not click.


Today's Hot Nerd: Olivia Freakin' Munn

My appreciation of brunettes goes deep (no pun intended), and my appreciation of nerdy chicks runs equally deep. However, the deepest appreciation of beauty has to lie with those chicks who are A) nerdy, B) brunette C) of decidedly indeterminate ethnicity, and D) just lil' on the trashy side.

Never has someone playing an Atari on shag carpet looked so damned slobber-worthy.

So, to my surprise (because I am so insulated from popular culture), there is the channel called G4...it's apparently for the Gen Y and Baby-Boomlet set. I'd never heard of it. Likewise, I'd never heard of this program called "Attack of the Show" What the hell was I thinking...Because, all this time, I was missing out on Olivia Munn (henceforth known as "Apocalypse Fuck Fantasy 2", only behind my top nerd hotty, Scarlett Johansson, and now edging out the old runner-up, Zoey Deschanel).

I don't know why women hate to sweat...I think I can speak for most men when I say, we love it.

Good ole' Olivia (Lisa) Munn is straight Okie, and --like all intelligent people of limited means-- went to the State liberal arts university (OU), where she had an interesting mix of major/minors, majoring in Journalism and double-minoring in Japanese and Theatre. After school, she headed west, went into television (as well as print moldeing) and began doing what she does best...selling sex to nerds.

 Sing along, now..."Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer weiner..."

Ms. Munn, much to my delight, is the product of miscegenation [Chinese/Caucasian (looks like Welsh)] which, as we all know, only makes the world a more beautiful place, particularly women. You think I'm kidding? I'm not. Scientific, empirical-fucking-truth: Women are growing more and more beautiful because of evolution and greater variance in the gene pool*
I'm not sure what your parents did, Olivia, but they should definitely do it again.

When Olivia Munn got her call on G4, she was asked to do something which she was not quite comfortable with...video game reviews. However, to her credit, she boned up (hee hee) on the subject matter and apparently is now a knowledgeable fan boi favorite. Currently, she hosts attack of the show, where she is now displaying her tech-savvy with all things viral. But, it is her shrewdness (and cynicism) that makes her brilliant. In her own words (regarding showing an occasional nipple, upskirt, etc...) "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, ratings galore!" Witty.

Yes, she will do anything for ratings. And, yes, those are her panties.

Finally, it goes without saying, that Olivia is not just a tech-geek, she also smokin' freakin' hot. Maxim currently has her listed as the #99 hottie, and she hosts "Maxim's Hotties Next Door" segments on G4. This, of course, brings up two obvious points. The first is that I double-dog dare you to find 99 chicks that are hotter than her, much less this interesting. The second is that I know for a fact that I never had a neighbor (next door or otherwise) that looked like this...

When Olivia rocks the Princess Leia, we all win.

*Hear that Midwest? Two important points to take away: 1) It's ok to marry/breed outside of Scandinavia and 2) Evolution does exist, despite what Kansas told you.


Monday: Comin' in Like a Prayer

Everyone loved this song, and everyone loved Madonna. "Like a Prayer"...This was the Queen of Pop at her absolute sexy best. Everyone in Gen X just friggin' drooled when she danced in front of the burning crosses in that gorgeous burgandy dress.


Two Words Why France is Hated: Free Running.

Free Running*, or Parkour**,  is some new urban hipster shit whereby people take vast quantities of uppers and spas out. They half-jog, half-trot, jump up and down off guard rails, literally bounce off the walls, and otherwise are in the mental state that you'd expect from the poser, disaffected class that passes for chic these days...then they call it "sport" and subject us to it on G4....

There are two prerequisites for Free Running: 1. be too broke to own a skateboard like a proper hoodlum, and 2. listen to shitty noise which passes as punk these days.

Of course, others are a bit more balanced in their description of this utterly ridiculous fad. In fact, if you want to learn how to get started acting like a semi-acrobatic epileptic, then WikiHow is your place....

So you want to get started in Parkour or Free running. The videos are out there... people doing insane jumps between buildings, over railings and through cities. These trained experts are probably practicing either parkour or free running. Parkour is a form of movement that stresses efficiency and speed. The point is to to get from spot A to spot B as quickly and efficiently as possible. Free Running is similar but it also involves aesthetic movements such as flips, spins, and many other forms of 'flair' (traceurs, practitioners of parkour, usually frown upon movement "wasted" on aesthetics). Also, Free Runners usually don't have a set path.

Remember, kids, Free Runners don't have a set path, because purposeful motion kills your buzz and is an affront to the whole concept of being an idle loser.

Again, France...this is why people in the productive part of the Western world hate you. Those of us in the part of the world not noted for being surrender monkeys just say "what the fuck is wrong with you people."

*Or, if you're really a pretentious douche, Parkour.
** Did I mention that's really, really lame..."The art of motion"? Le Ghey.

One More Reason Missouri Sucks: Squirrel Huntin' (and eatin')

I have been to 41 of the 50 United States. There are a great many I like for their rugged beauty (take a bow Kentucky, West Virginia). There are others I love for their extraordinary sense of history and culture (South Carolina, Virginia, Massachusetts to the stage). Others are incredibly diverse in the geography (Texas, Colorado, but the people suck in both of those places, for very different reasons). Some, have just genuinely great people or very cool people (can't beat a decent Iowegian or a kick-ass Cajun). And one State is just home (Sweet Home).

This is the longest 5 hours East-West, and 6 hours North-South you will ever travel.

Then, there are those states that I detest for one reason or another: the industrial midden of the Rust Belt (Wisconsin, Ohio, Michigan...bow your head in shame); others are agricultural cesspits of desolate nothingness upon nothingness (Kansas, Oklahoma, Nebraska...the realm of suck); others have trashtacular, abrasive "people" dotting the landscape (South Dakota, New Jersey), and then there are those which can amazingly combine nasty people, godawful scenery, cultural stupidity, and toxic waste...amazingly all at once. I have been to three such places in my life: Arkansas, South Dakota and Missouri. Of these, South Dakota is the hands-down worst. However, Missouri is a damned close second.

This is a drive through a typical Missouri town, as seen by an outsider. No snarky narration. No cutesy commentary. Just a 2:30 slice of every town in Missouri. Note: St. Louis and Kansas City are exactly like this...only with incredibly violent gangs and a rampant criminal population.

Despite Missouri being the sensory equivalent of sniffing a corpse/licking an armpit/listening to didgeridoos, that is not the reason it sucks so hard. Despite Missouri's collective intelligence being just south of brain-death, that too, is not the sole reason it bites. And, despite Missouri's collective blame for Branson, that also is not the sole reason for its suckdom. Take all of the following (and so many, many more), and then add to the ledger, squirrel huntin' and eatin', and then you start to get an idea...

I wish I were joking; but the joy, the pride and the hunger on this child's face tells you all you need to know about Missouri.

We are not discussing just run-of-the-mill hicks chowin' down on backdoor critters. We're talking about officially sanctioned modes of "hunting", and then state-sponsored recipes for the woodland cuties. Gentle reader, I direct you now, not to some backwater portion of the internet, no, I would direct your attention to the Missouri Department of Conservation, to the page entitled "A Squirrel Cuisine". This abortion of grammar and story-telling begins thusly....

People who frown on squirrels as food can be placed into two groups—those who can't stomach the thought of eating an animal that's furry and cute and those who have eaten squirrels but found them less than appetizing. The first group will probably never enjoy eating squirrels. The second can be won over if hunters avoid these mistakes....Once the viscera is exposed, look for the urinary bladder. If it is full, pinch the neck of the bladder between thumb and forefinger and carefully cut to remove it. This prevents spills. With the bladder removed, split the pelvis and pull out the rest of the insides. That's all there is to eviscerating a squirrel.

Count me among the first group. And, you heard the man...that's all there is to eviscerating a squirrel. Moving on to those of us who are, presumbaly, in Group Two....

More squirrels than not are placed on the dinner table with hair clinging to the meat, which is unappetizing to say the least. Skinning squirrels is difficult, regardless of how you go about it, and hair is easily transferred to the meat. My skinning method, however, handles the problem.

One of Nature's warning signs is that you are in conversation with a man who has his very own "skinning method". However, the Missouri Department of Conservation doesn't stop there; taxpayers then thoughtfully fund the communication of a "younger-is-better" message (not that that's too out-of-place in Missouri).

Any squirrel over a year old will probably be tough. A life of jumping around in trees makes them so. But there are recipes designed to make the toughest squirrel tender. While cleaning squirrels, separate the older ones from the young by how easy they skin. The skin of young squirrels pulls far easier than that of older squirrels.

This is an actual product...and is actually sold in Missouri.

So, let's assume we've got our squirrel; it's young and the skin has been pulled away; and we've properly eviscerated it, and placed it in a baggie full of salt water. That might be a good hobby and all, but what are we supposed to do with all of these tender lil' bits? Good Question. But, the Show-Me State has ya' covered with these must-try recipes ("Use different recipes for young and old squirrels. The first four recipes are for old squirrels; the last two are for young ones.") Just one will suffice for our..ummm....tastes*...

Barbecued Squirrel: Step-By-Step
  1. Dip Squirrel in water. Scrape off fur at base of tail and cut through tail leaving it attached to the back skin.
  2. Extend cut up back.
  3. Cut around flanks.
  4. You can pull the skin off beginning at either end.
  5. Here the skin is pulled over the forelegs first.
  6. Reverse the squirrel, pull the fur over the hind legs and cut off the head and feet.
Place the squirrels you wish to cook in a large pot. Cover with water and add plenty of seasoned salt. Boil covered for two hours. Lay two large pieces of heavy duty tinfoil across each other on top of a large serving tray.
Remove squirrels from pot and place them on the tinfoil and serving tray. Add 1 cup broth and cut into pads 2 tablespoons butter and distribute them evenly over the tinfoil. Fold edges of tinfoil over squirrels and place tinfoil and squirrels on grill over low charcoal fire. Cook for 45 minutes.
Remove squirrels from tinfoil and place directly on grill. Brush on barbecue sauce and cook for another 15 minutes. Remove and serve.

There you have it. From the State of Missouri. If this doesn't tell you all that you need to know about the state, then nothing will. If you can avoid this place, by all means do, because if your car breaks down, you might be the one in the fucking pot, legless and headless, with some Bulls-eye BBQ Sauce simmering on your ass.

I dare some Mizzou cretin try and eat me, bitches...

* I, thankfully, omitted the recipe which included the phrase "De-bone squirrels. In a food processor, grind meat and eggs, mix in mayo".

Sunday Metaphor for War: Love-Hate Edition

Excuse me while I wipe yesterday's poo off my pants. Your Tubez for the day is DJ Inphinity's remix of Pat Benatar's classic, "Love is a Battle Field"...this one's for you Mt. Cody, you clearly love the game*, but it's still a battlefield

  * Most infectious smile, evah1!1! And, yes, you probably deserve a Heisman vote

Third Saturday: Loki loves Terrence Cody


Thank the chaos deity for Terrence Cody...6'7", 380 lbs of kick-ass, All-American Nose Tackle at the University of Alabama. Ranked #1 (or #2) in the country, against our fiercest rival, and nursing a 12-10 lead, Tennessee lines up with 4 seconds on the clock for a  44 yard game-winning field goal. There goes the Game, the SEC, and the National Championship. But. He. Blocks. It. TWICE in five minutes!

I don't care who you are, this man plays with a smile, an infectious laughter and a child-like enthusiasm that is rarely seen. He reminds us all that it is truly a game, and kids should have fun playing a game...no matter the stakes.

You can cry big guy...you earned it. We're still #1 because of you.