It's all good, until it's your monkey

I hate it when he shows up for work still drunk.

Papa Hemingway, Alpha Man-Bear, and Philosopher King (and damned good at close-range head shots), aptly summarized humanity's constant quest for the bottle:

Don't you drink? I notice you speak slightingly of the bottle. I have drunk since I was fifteen and few things have given me more pleasure. When you work hard all day with your head and know you must work again the next day what else can change your ideas and make them run on a different plane like whisky? When you are cold and wet what else can warm you? Before an attack who can say anything that gives you the momentary well-being that rum does? The only time it isn't good for you is when you write or when you fight. You have to do that cold. But it always helps my shooting. Modern life, too, is often a mechanical oppression and liquor is the only mechanical relief.

Take heart: At least he'll be sober when he wrecks your shit...

There is much wisdom into this "mechanical oppression" of life theory. We are very often trapped in the rat race of futility and bound by cages (real and imagined). But, of our fellow primates, who could be more oppressed than our nearly-identical DNA cousins, the chimpanzees? 98% shared genetic code...social...highly organized...intelligent...

And, apparently, like a frat boy at Daytona Beach, our nearest homonid relatives are also capable of picking up a predeliction for fatherin' bastards, chain-smoking and getting drunk.

According to Reuters, a chimp in Moscow, bored by its lot in life, has developed addictions to these all-too-human problems to the extent that they are sending him to freakin' rehab.

A Russian chimpanzee has been sent to rehab by zookeepers to cure the smoking and beer-drinking habits he has picked up, a popular daily reported on Friday. An ex-performer, Zhora became aggressive at his circus and was transferred to a zoo in the southern Russian city of Rostov, where he fathered several baby chimps, learned to draw with markers and picked up his two vices.

 For the love of god, Monkey, not only are you drinking too much, but it's Schlitz!

Sure, laugh all you want to, but when it's your monkey, and you get the 12-Step bill, see how funny it is then. I can't imagine that the services for primate addiction therapy are cheap .


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