12.28.2009

Tuesday's alright


Carl Spackler and the Caddyshack Gopher are Alright...even if it's Kenny Loggins haunting their dreams. Now, off to some miniature golf with the munchkin. Enjoy your day.

12.27.2009

Merry Sunday: Back in the saddle


Hope everyone enjoyed their Merry Fishmas; I may still be in a food coma of sorts. Anyway, things are going to be light until the 2nd, but listen to me, you owe yourself as a late holiday present the exquisite privilege of going to see Aerosmith live...one of the best, high energy shows ever.

12.23.2009

Wednesday bids you Happy Trails


Kiddo is in town this week. Probably not much going up until the 2nd, when all of my guests leave. Until then, happy trails, and stay warm.

12.22.2009

Tuesday wants to die, die my darling...


Not really; just I really wanted to play some Misfits. Out of town today, heading to KC, more tomorrow. Enjoy.

12.21.2009

Yankee cities not to die in: New York

Earlier this month, I brought you the heart-warming story of world class assholes in the world class hellhole known as Philly. To summarize, a beloved community music teacher was left dying of a heart attack for over an hour in the waiting room of an ER. While he was waiting, some of Philly's finest robbed him of his watch...and no one stopped them.




To summarize: Philly is full of assholes.
No shit, this pic come via PhillyRealty.com




Today's tale is one full of that Christmas spirit, from the City that originally brought you self-absorbed humorless douchebags and an  exaggerated sense of their own importance. New York.






Fuck 'em...



Of the many cities on my shitlist (Philly, Chicago, Milwaukee, etc), New York is unique in that it also lands on the literal shitlist. Everything about this Yankee cesspool revolts me: its exaggerated importance, its attitude towards the rest of the state and nation, its insularity, Wall Street, fashionista douchebags, Seinfeld, the East River, pigeons, Manhattan, that lying ass Statue of Liberty, that paeon to cheap labor in Ellis Island, Rudy Guiliani, the fact that every writer for shitty television focuses on LA (or, more likely, NY), its residents, East Coast hip hop, that harsh Yankee accent, Good Morning America/CBS Morning/the Today Show, the phrase "youse guys", the damned Guido culture...and motherfuck Snoopy and the Macys Parade.





New York brought you Andrew "Dice" Clay...I rest my case







But, of the many, many reasons to bag on the "Big Apple", by far the worst aspect are the fucking assholes that live here. Simply stated, there are 10 million cocksuckers who think they are God's gift; they shit on everyone around them; are imperious asshats; they epitomize rudeness and callousness; they are callow and shallow; and, they have a diminished understanding about the worth of human life...Today's story is an exemplar of the New York mentality....




The only thing worth a shit to ever come out of New York...



A pregnant Brooklyn woman suffering a fatal seizure in a coffee shop in the shadow of FDNY Headquarters was ignored by two callous city medics who continued to buy their breakfast, eyewitnesses told The Post. "The EMTs just said we had to call 911. They got their bagels and left," said a disgusted worker.
People were calling out saying, 'She's turning blue! She's pregnant!' " said the witness.
But the EMTs appeared unfazed.
"I remember them saying they couldn't do anything because they were on their break," another worker said.



Fuck you, I'm on my coffee break...





Ironically, the EMS emergency dispatch center that fields 911 calls is located in the same building as Au Bon Pain -- just floors above where Rennix collapsed. And the FDNY headquarters is about 600 feet away within the same Metrotech complex. In fact, the coffee shop is regularly filled with FDNY and EMS personnel and top brass.

Bad, bad move by the KKK


When keeping it real goes wrong....


The KKK, founded by ex-Confederates (and sympathizers) in Ohio to stymie Reconstruction, was a scourge of free blacks, Catholics, Jews, immigrants, and any other group not fitting in with its White, Christian doctrine. Until the 30s, the Klan was a serious social force in areas with predominately white populations and those areas undergoing social upheaval (i.e., everywhere in America). Now, they are cartoonish parodies of a darker time in U.S. history.

They just don't know it yet.

Enter a group of knuckleheaded Klucksters down in Texas. Apparently, having run out of blacks, Catholics, Jews, Mexicans and others to harass, they heard about a group of pagans to harass. This particular group, however, were not the earth-muffin flakes of Gardnerian neo-Wicca, they were...ummm...Asatru.



For the uninitiated, Asatru is the Germanic and Norse worship of figures such as Odin. You know him as Corpse Ripper, Grim, Glad of War, and by a host of other peace-n-love names.


Seems there was a group of Ku Klux Klansmen in Texas who heard that some Pagans were holding a ritual out in the woods somewhere. Having run out of other minorities to harass, they decided to get backto their roots and practice some religious bigotry in addition to the usual racial intolerance and break up the party with a good ol' cross-burning.

So anyway, these fellows loaded up some lumber and a couple of cans of gasoline and went out hunting for these Pagans they'd heard about, hoping to catch them dancing naked around a fire or something.







Well, that is a fire...of sorts.






They found the spot where the other vehicles were parked and donned their hoods. Grabbing the lumber and gasoline, they assembled a cross and strode off into the woods, confident that they'd scare any remaining pants off the fluffybunny Pagans.

They were a little disconcerted to find themselves looking at the business end of at least 2 spears, a couple of swords, and several assorted knives. They'd crashed an Asatru blot and didn't realize that not all Pagans are pacifists.




Before the NAACP or B'Nai B'rith, shield walls and berzerkers enforced civil rights...
 
 
 

The punchline of the day, according to Becca, was this gem "From somewhere behind the hardware, a voice called out "If that cross goes up, you're getting nailed to it.."




Here's a hint; don't even think about harassing the heavily-armed descendents of a culture who exulted in warfare and considered the slaying of an enemy to be a religious act and cultural obligation.








Sarah Palin Climate Change Translator....


You couldn't make this woman up in a satire...it wouldn't be realistic.


Of the idiocies of Sarah Palin, there is no end. Here is her latest Twitter feed: 100% incomprehensible

"Copenhgen=arrogance of man2think we can change nature's ways.MUST b good stewards of God's earth,but arrogant&naive2say man overpwers nature"


This is the shorthand Christian Dominionist belief that humans can't change climate. Then she continues....

"Earth saw clmate chnge4 ions;will cont 2 c chnges.R duty2responsbly devlop resorces4humankind/not pollute&destroy;but cant alter naturl chng"



Same schtick, only less comprehensible....



I know it's hard to believe, but this woman flunked out of college...
 

However, contrast her creepy Christian nihilism, and doctrines of destruction, with what she said on the campaign trail....

Here in Alaska, the only Arctic state in our union, of course, we see the effects of climate change more so than any other area with ice pack melting. Regardless though of the reason for climate change, whether it's entirely, wholly caused by man's activities or is part of the cyclical nature of our planet, the warming and the cooling trends, regardless of that, John McCain and I agree that we've got to do something about it and we have to make sure that we're doing all we can to cut down on pollution.


So, how do we put it all together? Is there a viable translation? What does Palin really stand for?




PUDDING!!!




The Wytches wish you a happy Solstice


Darkest day of the year, when the sun barely peeks out of the slate gray sky. The good new is, it can only get sunnier from here on out.

12.20.2009

Deep into the 12 days of Christmas...

it's the last day of Hannukah, and who the hell knows about Kwanzaa. In any event, we're in the stretch run. It just seems like yesterday since we were down with the Pumpkin King....


Halloween is in your heart.


Lyrics go now:
Boys and girls of every age
Wouldn´t you like to see something strange?
Come with us and you will see
This, our town of Halloween
This is Halloween, this is Halloween
Pumpkins scream in the dead of night
This is Halloween, everybody make a scene
Trick or treat till the neighbors gonna die of fright
It´s our town, everybody screm
In this town of Halloween
I am the one hiding under your bed
Teeth ground sharp and eyes glowing red
I am the one hiding under yours stairs
Fingers like snakes and spiders in my hair
This is Halloween, this is Halloween
Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Halloween!
In this town we call home
Everyone hail to the pumpkin song
In this town, don´t we love it now?
Everybody´s waiting for the next surprise
Round that corner, man hiding in the trash cam
Something´s waiting no to pounce, and how you´ll...
Scream! This is Halloween
Red ´n´ black, slimy green
Aren´t you scared?
Well, that´s just fine
Say it once, say it twice
Take a chance and roll the dice
Ride with the moon in the dead of night
Everybody scream, everbody scream
In our town of Halloween!
I am the clown with the tear-away face
Here in a flash and gone without a trace
I am the "who" when you call, "Who´s there?"
I am the wind blowing through your hair
I am the shadow on the moon at night
Filling your dreams to the brim with fright
This is Halloween, this is Halloween
Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Halloween!
Halloween! Halloween!
Tender lumplings everywhere
Life´s no fun without a good scare
That´s our job, but we´re not mean
In our town of Halloween
In this town
Don´t we love it now?
Skeleton Jack might catch you in the back
And scream like a banshee
Make you jump out of your skin
This is Halloween, everyone scream
Wont´ ya please make way for a very special guy
Our man jack is King of the Pumpkin patch
Everyone hail to the Pumpkin King
This is Halloween, this is Halloween
Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Halloween!
In this town we call home
Everyone hail to the pumpkin song
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la....Guii!! 




  

12.19.2009

Saturday has a long day (and night) in store...


Pronounced Lynryd Skynyrd live in 1976 with "Saturday Night Special"...sure it's about a handgun, but I have Christmas guests coming on Tuesday, and I really need to clean the crib. Happy Saturday, see you tomorrow.

12.18.2009

Your Country is NOT Fucked: New Zealand


If Italy is shaped like a boot, then New Zealand is a horse dong


Welcome to New Zealand, one of the more-recently populated countries on our tour, with the Polynesian Maori not settling in this paradise until around 800 BCE.  One thing to know about New Zealand right off the bat, being comprised of islands (and there are two major ones), each one has its own vibe. North NZ is the one with the majority of the cities and cosmopolitan environments: weathier, more populated, and has the capital of Auckland. The South Island is the more rugged of the two, less populated (even if it's bigger), and -by far- the Whitest of all New Zealand, with over 90% being cracker.



The New Zealand High Commission on Honkey Affairs required all South Island residents to place this sticker on their lapels...



But, no matter the island, New Zealand is renowned for its diverse and natural beauty. This is the nation where a thousand fantasy worlds have come to life on celluloid, including the LoTR trilogy, Bridge to Terabithia, Avatar, Last Samurai, The Narnia films, and Eagle vs. Shark. This is also borne out by the fact that 70% of the nation's $120bn economy is based on services, and a fully 19% are involved in tourism.



You could have stopped at Return of the Kings.


And that, of course, is one of the main problems with the New Zealand economy: it is heavily reliant on the dollars of foreigners. Manufacturing accounts for a scant 6% of the industry. There are plenty of mines in the country though, and, as you'd expect, mining employs 10% of the country and ore products count for a good bit of the Kiwis' exports.



New Zealand miner after a hard day in the shafts...


New Zealand truly is a paradise. Unlike its deadly neighbor, Australia --the place where everything will kill, ever-- New Zealand has virtually no dangerous wildlife. According to the country's tourism website:

There is no dangerous wildlife; no snakes, and only two poisonous spiders, the Katipo and the white-tailed spider. Bites are serious but rarely fatal.


In fact, my extensive research reveals only two major dangers in New Zealand.

1. Being overcome by the rapturous masculinity of the Haka


Pussies.

 

2. Balrogs


  If you're not dicking around in Moria, I think you'll be cool...


I sincerely want to hate New Zealand; I want to find one thing that makes New Zealand a shithole, but I just can't. How can you hate on a nation that is abidingly middle class, has reasonably decent relations with its indigenous inhabitants, is at peace with every fucking nation on earth, has a stable republican democracy, low crime, almost no violence associated with hard drug abuse (aside from meth), almost no violence period, is temperate and the people are nice and abiding? I just can't do it.

So, New Zealand, you're not fucked (which is a first), but that makes me hate you all the more.


This is what every person and critter thinks of you, New Zealand...





*Anyone who can think of reason to hate on New Zealand, shoot me an email...


  

Wouldn't you trust them?


I'm supposing their state doesn't permit business names, eh?

From the Fail blog





 

Y can't Friday Read like Tori


Tori Amos does not want you to see this...ever. Her god-awful, Jersey slut band "Y Cant Tori Read". Clever name in a way, but just terrible in all other respects: musically, artistically, aesthetically.

12.17.2009

Admit it, Canada, y'all are rednecks too...


Our friends in Manitoba have their 'Necks....





The special Eastern Canadian subtype known as the Newfie...





The scary-ass, methheads & roughnecks in Alberta (with Bonus Mullet!!!...





The lovely hick ladies of the Canadian Midwest (a/k/a Saskatchewan)...





The Yukon's version of Piggly Wiggly...




 
 The French-speaking cretins in Quebec...





The larval 'Necks of Ontario...




The shitkickers and douchewads in New Brunswick (with Bonus Mullet!!!)....




The gestational mouth-breathers of British Columbia (with double-bonus Baby Mullet!!!)...



So, see Canada...you're a lot more like us than you admit it: You've got roughly the same educational attainment, the same degree of heavily-armed wood-dwelling recluses, a shit-load of mullets, trashy women, toothless miscreants and country cookin'. This works out well for both of us.

When we come to annex your oil, gas, timber and Megan Fox, we'll fit right in and get along in one big happy redneck family....The way we always should have been.




Just like Tommy & Pam...only hotter...and with a bigger dick


 

Puppies & Tubes




That sounds like an helluva' indie movie....


This is one interesting tale and reaffirms what most dog-owners know, that Fido will go to extraordinary lengths to mooch. I didn't know, and really, we couldn't anticipate that they'd go this far to bum a meal. Apparently, in Moscow some innovative dogs have learned the subway routes, and have begun to take morning and evening commutes to their favorite haunts, and then returning home again in the evening. Of course, bumming a meal or two along the way:




This thing is always running late....


The reprinted Sun article follows*

STRAY dogs are commuting to and from a city centre on underground trains in search of food scraps.

The clever canines board the Tube each morning. After a hard day scavenging and begging on the streets, they hop back on the train and return to the suburbs where they spend the night.

Experts studying the dogs say they even work together to make sure they get off at the right stop - after learning to judge the length of time they need to spend on the train. The mutts choose the quietest carriages at the front and back of the train.



Wake me when we get to the Square...



Scientists believe the phenomenon began after the Soviet Union collapsed in the 1990s, and Russia's new capitalists moved industrial complexes from the city centre to the suburbs.


Dr Andrei Poiarkov, of the Moscow Ecology and Evolution Institute, said: "These complexes were used by homeless dogs as shelters, so the dogs had to move together with their houses. Because the best scavenging for food is in the city centre, the dogs had to learn how to travel on the subway - to get to the centre in the morning, then back home in the evening, just like people."

Dr Poiarkov told how the dogs like to play during their daily commute. He said: "They jump on the train seconds before the doors shut, risking their tails getting jammed. They do it for fun. And sometimes they fall asleep and get off at the wrong stop."




Let sleeping dogs lie...unless you want to feed them.

 
The dogs have learned to use traffic lights to cross the road safely, said Dr Poiarkov. And they use cunning tactics to obtain tasty morsels of shawarma, a kebab-like snack popular in Moscow.

They sneak up behind people eating shawarmas - then bark loudly to shock them into dropping their food. 

With children the dogs "play cute" by putting their heads on youngsters' knees and staring pleadingly into their eyes to win sympathy - and scraps.

Dr Poiarkov added: "Dogs are surprisingly good psychologists."



Top that, guinea pigs...

 



If it happens after midnight, I guess she was asking for it...

 That apparently is the logic being employed by Indian MP, Shantaram Naik.



Mr. Naik probably really gets off on the hot, consensual action in "The Accused".



Naik is from the now-infamous Goa region of India, where the international case of 15 year old Scarlett Keeling has put the city on the map. Keeling was an attractive 15 year old Brit touring the area. She was drugged, abducted and raped by a local bartender and one other man, with her body later being found in the river. Even then, it took the Indian government a disgracefully long time to correct the autopsy to indicate that she had died of unnatural causes rather than drowning. Goa is a well-known font of sexual assaults and other tourist attacks, so much so that some governments are warning their citizens to steer clear.




Scarlett Keeling, in happier times.




Naik, responding to the Russian government's concerns that its citizens might not be safe in Goa, came up with the stupefying logic that sexual assaults occuring after midnight are not rape, hell, aren't even a crime.

"An alleged rape of a lady who moves with strangers for days together even beyond middle of the night is to be treated on different footings," said Mr Naik, as opposition MPs shouted their disapproval.



Some things you can't make up...this is one of them.



That's one solution, Mr. Naik...






Thursday is glad it's this lifetime...


Brilliant band. Brilliant song.

12.16.2009

The Greatest Motion To Continue....or not.


Click for fullsize


 Seriously, read this...


An attorney really put his name to this.



Even as a strident Alabama alum, the only thing I can think is...BWAHAHAHAAHAHAA

On a more somber note, I am stunned that someone put their name to it…this is the kind of shit you say to a judge in a hurriedly-convened scheduling conference, not put that crap in the record. If the plaintiff, down the road, wants to complain about the delay causing prejudice etc then I don’t see how an appellate court couldn’t entertain that argument and the abuse of discretion to permit the continuance.

Sorry, but I think it’s tacky, unprofessional as all hell, and potentially compromises his client. Even if it's for a damned good cause.

 





Shadowy Bookshelf...Republican Gomorrah

I read quite a bit, and listen to a shit ton of Audible books as well. My primary interests are high fantasy (think Tolkien or GRR Martin, but not the ass-clown Robert Jordan); political history (any country, any time frame); historical fiction, especially barbaric fucks (Bernard Cornwell; Conn Iggulden); religion; and contemporary stuff on political theory and diplomatic wrangling.




A shit-ton is substantially more than an ass-load...
Pic absolutely unrelated. 



Today's selection is what I'm listening to currently (since it's on my iPod for leisurely baths, drives, cooking and cleaning). Republican Gomorrah: Inside the Movement that Killed the Party by Max Blumenthal.



With a title this promising couldn't you find a picture of Pat Robertson applying nipple clamps to a goat or something?



What does Publisher's Weekly think?

Journalist Blumenthal documents the movement of conservative evangelicals from the political wings to center stage, delving into the psyches of those who now lead a Republican Party "fixated on abortion, homosexuality and abstinence education; resentful and angry." Guided by Eric Hoffer's 1951 cult classic The True Believer ("Faith in a holy cause, is to some extent a substitute for the lost faith in ourselves,") and Eric Fromm's 1941 psychoanalytical study of the Nazi movement (Escape from Freedom), Blumnthal suggests that childhood abuse has shaped the personalities of key leaders, including Focus on the Family guru James Dobson. Blumenthal is at his best examining these characters up close, including presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich and his born-again conversion; John Hagee, a Pentecostal pastor who lauded Hitler for "forcing the Jews to Israel"; Sarah Palin, whose political aspirations first came to her as part of a religious conversion; and evangelical pastor Ted Haggard, a self-proclaimed spiritual warrior caught in a relationship with a male prostitute. For those who enjoyed Jeff Sharlet's Capitol Hill exposé The Family, this makes a spicy follow-up.  



What don't you understand about dropping the marginal tax rate?




Why would anyone give this radical liberal two cents for anything he decided to write down.

"The Republican Party is a Host Body for the Christian Right and the Radical Anti-Government Movement that's sprouting up around the country. They can cause a lot of damage. They can cause it by repeating what we saw during the 90's which was mass domestic terrorism. It's a campaign against the Government of the US by radical elements that want to change the nature of the Government." Max Blumenthal

This is clear hate speech against a political view and those that align themselves with smaller Government and anti-Government take over of private businesses such as the Insurance and Banking industries. It's one thing to give a contrary view but page after page is nothing but personal attacks against any one of a number of figures on the Right.

Amazon.com should jump further into the book to show how much hate Max Blumenthal clearly has for the Right with his personal attacks on Sarah Palin and others.  





Shadow's Verdict?

Blumenthal's expose is a profoundly disturbing and illuminating look at the abusive, authoritarian personalities that have shaped movement conservatives, and the extreme violence inflicted upon them as children, and which they are in turn inflicting on the weaker of society. To borrow from Erich Fromme, the authoritarian personality is an inherently abusive and sadomasochistic one.
While engaging in occasional drivel bordering on psychosocial autopsy, it is nevertheless an important topic, an under-discussed one at that, and is an important read.





Good shit...four out of five spider monkeys.
 

 

Two meals from away from a wolf...

Here's a story from my part of the world, and continued validation of two facts: The first is that dogs are the coolest pets ever; the second, is the old maxim that every dog is two meals away from being a wolf...



If you do not give this dopey family companion its Alpo, in a few short days...





She will get hungry and wolf out on you...


In Papillion, Nebraska (which, for some reason known only to midwesterners, they pronounce as Pap-ill-ion) just outside of Omaha, a middle age man had adopted two pugs, Harry and Sally, as his companions. Like a lot of the elderly or lonely, the dogs were his pets and, sadly, his only real company. And, like many of the home-bound and reclusive, when things happen --such as sudden death-- it takes a while before anyone notices.

Well, the two puppies had to eat, you know, so they did what dogs are want to do in the wild:

Two loveable pets are forced to survive by eating their owner’s dead body. The pugs named Harry and Sally spent two weeks in a Papillion home after the 51-year-old man died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound.

Police don’t suspect foul play. A neighbor noticed there were no tracks in the snow from the home and called police last week.

Click here to find out more!
Officers found the man dead and determined that his pets had no dog food. So Papillion Police believe the dogs survived by using their owner’s face, head and torso as a food source. The pugs were turned over to the Nebraska Humane Society. The director of animal welfare for NHS Denise Gurss told Channel 6 News, “There was not any actual evidence that we saw that there was blood or tissue anywhere on the dogs.”





Police re-enactment...



 The dogs have been deemed "loveable" and "well-adjusted" by the humane society, a spokesperson for whom stated:

"They're happy to have someone around them who wants to touch them," said Gurss. "They were thrilled to get a bath, jump up and kiss faces and see people. So I think they are going to be just fine."






That's not affection, that's tenderizing...




This whole story smacks of grisly doesn't it? But really, if you think about it, it's not. It's just dogs doing what they did for millions of years, hunting and scavenging. And, if you think for one instant that your beloved family member, companion and best friend won't do the same thing should you fall ill or die suddenly, well...let's just say that I'll be happy to let you test that hypothesis...




I will totally fucking eat you...