Your Country is NOT Fucked: New Zealand

If Italy is shaped like a boot, then New Zealand is a horse dong

Welcome to New Zealand, one of the more-recently populated countries on our tour, with the Polynesian Maori not settling in this paradise until around 800 BCE.  One thing to know about New Zealand right off the bat, being comprised of islands (and there are two major ones), each one has its own vibe. North NZ is the one with the majority of the cities and cosmopolitan environments: weathier, more populated, and has the capital of Auckland. The South Island is the more rugged of the two, less populated (even if it's bigger), and -by far- the Whitest of all New Zealand, with over 90% being cracker.

The New Zealand High Commission on Honkey Affairs required all South Island residents to place this sticker on their lapels...

But, no matter the island, New Zealand is renowned for its diverse and natural beauty. This is the nation where a thousand fantasy worlds have come to life on celluloid, including the LoTR trilogy, Bridge to Terabithia, Avatar, Last Samurai, The Narnia films, and Eagle vs. Shark. This is also borne out by the fact that 70% of the nation's $120bn economy is based on services, and a fully 19% are involved in tourism.

You could have stopped at Return of the Kings.

And that, of course, is one of the main problems with the New Zealand economy: it is heavily reliant on the dollars of foreigners. Manufacturing accounts for a scant 6% of the industry. There are plenty of mines in the country though, and, as you'd expect, mining employs 10% of the country and ore products count for a good bit of the Kiwis' exports.

New Zealand miner after a hard day in the shafts...

New Zealand truly is a paradise. Unlike its deadly neighbor, Australia --the place where everything will kill, ever-- New Zealand has virtually no dangerous wildlife. According to the country's tourism website:

There is no dangerous wildlife; no snakes, and only two poisonous spiders, the Katipo and the white-tailed spider. Bites are serious but rarely fatal.

In fact, my extensive research reveals only two major dangers in New Zealand.

1. Being overcome by the rapturous masculinity of the Haka



2. Balrogs

  If you're not dicking around in Moria, I think you'll be cool...

I sincerely want to hate New Zealand; I want to find one thing that makes New Zealand a shithole, but I just can't. How can you hate on a nation that is abidingly middle class, has reasonably decent relations with its indigenous inhabitants, is at peace with every fucking nation on earth, has a stable republican democracy, low crime, almost no violence associated with hard drug abuse (aside from meth), almost no violence period, is temperate and the people are nice and abiding? I just can't do it.

So, New Zealand, you're not fucked (which is a first), but that makes me hate you all the more.

This is what every person and critter thinks of you, New Zealand...

*Anyone who can think of reason to hate on New Zealand, shoot me an email...


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