12.15.2009

Hippies are trying to kill us: Kashi Vive


This is not a food product...it's Liquid Plumr for people...


Hippies are trying to kill us. When they are not destroying Canada's ecosystem with the manufacture of their Prius batteries, or causing allergic reactions with their noxious cloud of patchouli,  they are fucking with our food. Good wholesome things like cereal used to be hands off for dirty hippies, not anymore....



Seriously, you can't improve this...this is science's crowning moment...


By "fucking with breakfast cereal", I am of course referring to the infusion (infection?) of our bowl with unAmerican things like bran, and sesame, and snozzberries. And, you know who started this? The bastards at GrapeNuts and their collusionists/co-conspirators in the Granola industry. I was willing to let it slide until the above abomination hit my pantry: Kashi(tm) Vive(r) Probiotic Digestive Wellness cereal.



Slightly less dense than a bowl of gravel...


This $5.29 box of fail has puffed balls of sesame, whole bran flakes, two strands of wheat DNA, and is allegedly flavored with "vanilla". However, it is the same texture, smell and density of rabbit pellets. there is shit in this box that --no shit-- is PATENTED. Patents are for cars and iPhones and better mousetraps, not breakfast. And, then getting to the taste...styrofoam dogfood with a whey caoting that defies milk and sanity. think we're done? No no, my friend. Look at the label. This abomination of the morning sup has a gut-busting 46% of daily fiber...and 11 grams (almost as the 12g of fiber) of something referred to as "insoluble organics."



Also an organic insoluble...


As bad as all that is, you are really in for a treat the next morning, when 23 grams of "fiber" decides to put a chill-inducing shiver down your spine and straight into your colon. You only think you've needed to shit before...and it's not a gentle passing; it's the Titanic of bowel movements: epic, large, unsinkable, and destined to fail. 

Seriously, skip this...you'll thank me later. 




 I don't want this thing in the same room as me...

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