This week's Internet Win: Jared Allen

Pink Cadillac? Mullet? Long horns? Kaftan? AK-47? Cowboy hat?
Affirmative all, sir.

This week's winner of the Internet is none other than the Minnesota Viking's D-lineman, Jared Allen. This is a man who does not take shit seriously. He plays a game for a living, and knows it. As a result, he plays it very well, but the rest of his life is seemingly dedicated to being the funniest redneck currently walking the planet.

Don't believe me? Here's his outlook on the mullet:

If someone asks you if you want extra mayonnaise, you say YES.

He just gives not one shit and lives life with a smile and a beer: We need more like him...


Saturday is a superstar...

Confession time...I do love this song. I'm not sure why either. Maybe it's the bite out of "Kasmir" that's sampled, or the actual earnestness and realization that success is fleeting and illusory. One of Cypress Hill's best...



Today's Hot Nerd: Librarian Tribute

I've always been of the opinion that a town doesn't really exist, much less have a soul, unless it has four or five essential things*:

1. A diner where people can gather for a good meal, coffee, dessert or just chitchat.
2. A pub or tavern to shoot some pool, have a drink and a few laughs.
3. Its own grocery store.
4. A community school.
5. And, a library.

It is to the local librarian that every child growing up in poverty learns that first lesson on the way to a better life: There are infinite possible worlds and possibilities for you...just pick up a book. To this end, I give you hot librarian pics as a token of my gratitude...

Admit it...it took you at least ten seconds to read the line after librarian.

I am firmly convinced that librarians are the root cause of all femdom fantasies, and it begins at a very early age.

So, so true...
  I have no idea if she's brilliant and well-read, but I would love to find out over a discussion of "The Story of O"...and, last, but not least....

Don't forget that Batgirl was a librarian...

* NB: Most of the little dipshit places here in the Great Plains lack at least 2 or 3 of these; which is why you can't properly call them towns. In reality, they are conglomerations of five or six families scattered out over miles of farmland.


Honkeys, the First Amendment, Liberals and Federalism

What the fuck is this thing?

I'm not big on First Amendment doctrine*: Every doe-eyed, milksop, do-gooder, limousine liberal motherfucker** that enters law school invariably blasts out a douchy line to the effect of "Ooooh, I want to work at the ACLU" followed up by something to the effect of free speech. Here's where the failings are in that:

1. First Amendment doctrine is not old school "Fuck the Draft" stuff anymore, and protected rights of civil expression; you're far more likely to wind up fighting over a city councilman's draft proposal of their own Sunshine Law.
2. Those cases, in any event, just don't come down the pipe very often...Tinker v. Des Moines is a once in a generation deal
3. If you really, truly, sincerely give a shit about constitutional law, and the constitution, and how this document truly affects your life and practically everything else, then -sincerely- you need to pay far more attention to federalism/dormant commerce/commerce clause doctrines*** and, especially, to separation of powers issues as pertains to the Executive's administrative powers. Agencies run our lives kids, not Congress...

Limousine Liberals in their natural environment: Spending money from mommy and daddy's trust account. And, being painfully, hopelessly white.

That said, sometimes, something truly amazing comes down the pipe RE: First Amendment issues. The Onion has some outstanding reporting on the recent 7-2 decision that came down in City of Charleston v. The Kanawha Players

The decision came Monday in response to the case of a Charleston, WV theater troupe that had been sued by city officials for staging a sexually explicit play with public funds. Reversing the 4th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals' decision, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of the theater, an outcome free-speech advocates are calling a victory and Justice Ginsburg called "a bitch-slap in the face of all those uptight limp-dicks.

Justice Ginsburg: Gangsta' for free expression...
Via the Onion

But, perhaps the most vociferous defense of the obscene speech came from departing Justice Stevens, the last bastion of the Court's left wing:

"I'm beginning to wonder if you really understand what 'abridging the freedom of speech' means at all," said Stevens, a 34-year veteran of the court known for his often-nuanced interpretations of the First Amendment. "I'm also wondering whether you and your fat-faced plaintiffs over there need to have some respect for constitutionally protected expression fucked into your empty hick skulls."

Surprisingly, (or not-so, given his love of dirty talk and pubes on soda cans), Justice Thomas likewise forcefully defended the WV Player's rights to make a few dick jokes:

"I don't know what kind of bullshit passes for jurisprudence down in the 4th Circuit these days," Thomas wrote. "But those pricks can take their arguments about speech that 'appeals only to prurient interests' and go suck a dog's asshole."

Yo baby, ever seen a German Tan
Wink. Wink.  

The whole article is sit-your-pants funny. Sometimes the Onion just knocks it right out the park. Go there...Now, minion.


* Do you want to know what makes Baby Jesus sad? There are actually five rights promised by the First Amendment (herein, I refer to free speech). They are: Speech, Assembly, Press, Free Exercise of religion and anti-Establishment of religion by the government. That's cool. The sad part is that A) less than 10%  of U.S. Citizens know this...and B) 22% of U.S. citizens can name all five "Simpsons".

** For the record, I am so damned far to the left that Trotsky is a statist pig in my eyes...that said, I do not like squishy liberals who compromise on their values, are utterly humorless and self-absorbed, and, in any event, toe a doctrinaire line that would make Kim Jong-Il grin from the great beyond in its mousy obsequiesness.  

*** Nerd confession; I have published some pretty expansive academic pieces on these topics. Shhhh. Don't tell anyone.

These footnotes, hell, this whole blog, makes Baby Jesus sad...

Everyday Iron Man Suits (RIP Billy Mays)

I miss Billy Mays; not as much as a classic Flowbee, but I still miss him. For once, and just this once, I will not remind you that we are all Rick Hunt's bitch.


Friday is excited about a particular Hollywood blockbuster sequel...

Ozzy, Geezer and Tony: The original Black Sabbath performing the classic "Iron Man" in Paris, circa. 1970. We owe these guys a debt we can never repay.

Speaking of Iron Man, I am particularly psyched about the sequel which came out last night. I had plans to see the midnight version, but alas and alack, 11:35 rolled around and my date decided that A) we can always go on Saturday morning, and B) that she's too old to roll on 5 hours of sleep for a 12 hour work day. I dispute neither of those...



Thursday can't quit you...

You and me, baby, at the Devil's Right Hand...
Steve Earle from the Brokeback Mountain soundtrack.

And, of course, because I am utterly lacking in originality and/or am living a decade in the past, your obligatory fark:

 I would have stood in line for this one.