Make room SlapChop and Flowbee for Japanese Man Thong

Let me say from the outset that I am horrified by these:

Leave it to the Japanese. God bless 'em

This is a product for persons with no sense of aesthetics. A product that takes the "tenders" and elevates the male form to a grotesquery of bulge; an elevation of testicular suspension and torsion heretofore unknown outside of German BDSM films.*

That said, I am strangely awed by the contraption...a large, vagina-shaped, neon-colored, lycra nut-hugger which is thoughtfully suspended around one's neck, following the nipples and male erogenous zones, and terminates with a snuggling/smashing of the family jewels.

Sometimes, I just want to feel sexy, y'know?

Unlike a woman's thong, which artfully accentuates the feminine waistline and buttocks, smooths the tummy, hints at the mons d'amor, and otherwise screams "procreation or bust!!!", the man thong is a foul pollution of the birthing act...a latex-banded vagina dentata. Yet, it is so freakish, so garish to look at -akin to med students watching their first autopsy or those maniacs who watch the more ghoulish episodes of CourtTV- that I just can't turn away: I'm mesmerized and must have a pair.

One final caveat for the fellas, though: Just because it comes in your size, doesn't mean you should or can wear it.

Can I get a spatula with that?

*I have noooo idea where that metaphor came from. None. And, any suggestion to the contrary is character assassination, you pervert.

No comments:

Post a Comment