A SPECIAL MESSAGE FROM THE PRIME MINISTER
The world's largest surveillance society has fast become the largest nanny state as well...
Dear 11 million otherwise-loving, attentive British parents,
We know that you think you really love your children. However, in these sickening, morally-bankrupt times, you must ask yourself, "Do I really love my children? Is my emotion one of filial love, or is my affection of a darker, more sinister and sexual nature?" Believe me, parents, we here on Downing Street ask ourselves that everyday.
As you are aware, we have begun a serious crack-down on child abuse and exploitation. However, while the Yanks talk tough, and pretend to protect their children, we're doing something about it. The important first step in the British Bum Busters program recognizes that the greatest evil, and quickest source of sexual predation, begins with the adults that children are exposed to everyday, the ones who allegedly "love" them...Mum and Da.
We know why you had children, you depraved git.
Therefore, we are pleased to announce that we are beginning a special pilot project to protect our precious future. Beginning at the Township of Watford, henceforth no adults shall be permitted to supervise children on the 1/2 acre designated play sites. Instead, pre-screened adult "play rangers", those adults we've deemed to be moral and lacking lewdness, shall monitor your children: Here are the rules, as promulgated by your Benevolent State:
The rules have been imposed at Harwoods and Harebreaks adventure recreation grounds.
Activities on the half acre sites include a skateboard half-pipe, a zip line, rope swings, den building, arts and crafts, plus a wide range of indoor and outdoor sports activities.
Play rangers currently patrol both parks – which are specifically for children aged five to 15 – and are fully qualified and have been cleared by the Criminal Records Bureau (CRB).
Parents already have to 'register' their child on arrival at the free playgrounds so staff have their contact details in the event of an accident.
But now only those who have been CRB vetted by the council can enter the sites, which are surrounded by six foot high steel and wooden fences.
To serve and protect...from dangers that you didn't even know existed.
Parents, of course, may still watch their children play through the fence, although we regret that you may not enter the playground area to swing with children, see-saw or engage in other potential foreplay activities. We understand that this may represent a bit of a change for you, but remember, these changes are in place to protect your children, and -more importantly- to protect your children from you. As always, please join me this afternoon for tea as we celebrate the glory of Britain, and the Two Minute Hate.
Very truly yours,