Monday Monday: A Cass Elliot Retrospective

In the 60s and 70s, everyone liked the Mommas and the Papas...Especially Momma Cass*

 Unknown to most folks, not only did Cass Elliott have a phenomenal voice, but she was also a bit of a sleuth, being an excellent celebrity crime fighter when not performing. Her biggest gigs were at Shriner's conventions, DEA annual meetings and for local Fraternal Orders of Police.

Law enforcement loved her because she shared so many of their world views. She was particularly draconian in helping to enforce marijuana possession laws, and even guest-directed the documentary: Devil's Harvest. This, of course, made her many enemies....especially among her nemesis, Hippies, who had their life of evil exposed to the harsh glare of reality.

Predictably, her philanthropy was not appreciated by this maniacal underclass. She was kidnapped by a typical group of deranged, sadistic, death-obsessed hippies. These psychopathic malcontents demanded an exorbitant ransom  of drugs, unmarked bills and hair care products to fuel their opulent and vain lifestyle. 

When no ransom was forthcoming, she was was instead tortured, by being subjected to second hand smoke, sex toys and being forced to engage in the dark practice of "free love"

After the psychosexually sadistic hippies had used and abused Cass until she was a dried out husk of humanity, she was placed in a Wicker Man. 

Thereupon, she was burned to death, while the blood thirsty love children sang peons of praise to Satan, just like their hero Anton LaVey commands.

After hearing of this ghastly fate, America had a great awakening, and all of the dirty hippies passed from memory, and no jam bands were ever created, and no one ever, ever smoked marijuana ever ever again.

Momma Cass's death brought an end to the Hippie Counterculture and the scourge of marijuana. Thus, she was able to achieve in death her lifelong dreams of eradicating both. RIP Momma Cass.

*At least one sentence in this essay is false.

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