5.13.2010

Five Things Canada Should Apologize For...

 Hey buddy, fuck you coming and going.


I'm still pissed at Les Habitants, so, I think it's only fair that I should take a dump on America's Hat. Please know that I love you all, and, as soon as the Blackhawks destroy you in the Stanley Cup Finals, all will be forgiven. In the meanwhile, sorry Leanne, Jackie, Monkey, etc...


1. Pop Punk
While our friends in the great white north didn't invent this genre (nor, for that matter, popularize it), they sure as hell did master it. The result is a tapioca confection of fluff that lacks all aggression associated with punk, and features musicians as generally amiable as Americans are rude. Worse than Celine Dion in its inanity, worse than Hoobastank and Blink 182 in its formulaic anti-music, Canadian Pop Punk is the taint of the contemporary musical world.



If they make brain bleach, now is great time to reach for the jug....




2.  William Shatner
I know that many people disagree with this, but William Shatner is just an abortion of an actor. Some folks make a quick buck, or have their 15 minutes, based upon pure schlock and camp. But, hell, Shatner has made a fifty year career based upon tri-syllabic, hammy, overacted, cheesy horseshit. Doing nothing more than proclaiming that he's a ladykiller, Shatner has made an art and science of cashing in on mediocrity and the incredibly poor tastes of Americans.



Sadly, this fight scene is most authentic thing that Shatner has ever done.




3. Don Cherry
While Shatner has made a career by being god-awful, and Pop Punk has made a career by preying on newly-pubescent girls, Canada's broadcasting "legend" Don Cherry has made a career by A) dressing shitty and loudly, B) and providing sexist, xenophobic, pseudo-nationalistic rants against all other nationalities and persons except Canadian hockey players and Canadian soldiers. Russians? Fuck 'em. Europeans? Fuck 'em. Americans? Dirty slow bastards. Women? Get in the kitchen. Just picking one or two at random, here you go, and, apparently Canadians love it:


Always women, yapping away...



Crazier than a damned sack full of weasels...



4. Alberta, especially its tar sands
What do you get if you take the American out of Wyoming, throw in a shitload of cold, methed-up yokels, and then add the worst ongoing environmental catastrophe in North America? Alberta: Canada's version of a frozen Texas. Alberta is, frankly, nothing but "cowboys", oil workers, and miles upon miles of gas fields and industrial detritus. Two parts Midwest, one part redneck, all asshat. It would figure that given BC's natural beauty, it has to be balanced out by Alberta's give-not-one-shit attitude towards the environment. Think I'm joking? Ever heard of "tar sands"? One of the hardest-to-extract, polluting sources of nasty energy on the planet? Shit, you might as well eat some Spotted Owls during your lunch break at the coal-fired, mountain removal mine.

Unsurprisingly, Alberta also manufactures the environmental nightmare known as Hybrid Batteries.



5. WTF? They're babies!!!
The worst offense of Canada though is its continued slaughter of baby Harp Seals. Harp seals are noted the world-over for being one of the most gentle, trusting, playful, and generally cute animals in the Northern Hemisphere...


If you put "cute" in the dictionary, this is Exhibit A.


These creatures are currently being slaughtered at a rate that would make the American Buffalo blush...last year in Canada 270,000 of these animals were murdered for purely commercial reasons. The "sustainable rate", that is, how many could be killed without adversely impacting the population and reproductive success was 165,000. And, as documented by conservation agencies, over 60,000 pups have been killed this year...just for the fuck of it...They weren't even used for food or fur; their dead bodies were just tossed back into the ocean.



The destruction of the harp seal is the greatest marine extermination in history...and it goes on every year, sanctioned by law, by the nation of Canada.


If you needed just one reason to hate Canada, or require that country to apologize to the world, then this alone is it. Oh Canada....fuck you.




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