5.10.2010

Set the wayback machine to Exams

 Get that paper, lawya'



So, this morning, on the Daily 'Tubez, I posted Bone Thugs n' Harmony's First of the Month. That got me thinking about all the various study aids I used, without fail, throughout my life. I can't guarantee that they'll work for you, but they were damned helpful on this end:



High School: I was an absolute fuck-up and ninny in high school. I barely studied, and when I did, I was more often high or half-drunk.




 "Sweet leaf, I love you..."




 I was broke and had no taste...Boone's Farm was the staff of life though. Especially Apple and Strawberry Hill,


College: I had a bit better sense in college, and actually paid attention more and/or studied. However, I was also working two or three jobs, double-majoring, double-minoring, and writing two Honors' theses. Needless to say, I was stressed and exhausted...but still broke.


Like I said, I was broke. Nevertheless, my college sweetheart and I would knock back a 1/2 case of this vile swill every night, needless to say, my bowels hated me.


Good ole' Dexedrine. If you're tired, and have a 22 hour day ahead of you, roll with some black market speed.




 There is no German music heavier or more intense than the original gangsta' Mozart and his Requiem.




Your mouth does get a little nasty with all that Natty Light, cigarette smoke and speed...throw one of these in the fridge, and drink it all before you pass out.


A pack a night, every night you're studying...Makes a nice side dish with the speed, Natty light and black coffee



Grad School: By grad school, my tastes had improved somewhat, and I had a little more money, so Natty Light was shunted, as was Diet Coke. Not to mention, the stress level increased, and old-school speed just couldn't be on the menu anymore.



She's missing the coconut, but otherwise, yes, this is how you make a delectable Blue Hawaiian. The wussiest drink ever and my secret shame.




Here's a secret, unless you're on speed, or really high, Diet Coke is nasty. Diet Dr. Pepper is the schiznit.
You'll be stunned to know this, but I'm kind of a squirrelly, fidgety, overwrought Type A: About that time, my panic attacks went Mt. St. Helen's explosive. Enter my new BFF, Klonipin. 



Law School: No one wants to be the Natty Light drinker in law school. But, everyone is still desparately broke (most people, in any event). So, we put on airs and drink shit out of our budget...and a lot of it.



Good ole' Beck's Dark; still my favorite mass-produced dark beer. And, my dog. I love dogs, and played with my puppy and munchkin a WHOLE lot to destress.







Klonipin usage damn-near Doubled. These things were like Tic-Tacs for three years!




 Anyone who claims they got mad-laid in law school is a goddamned liar. You're too tired, too stressed, and too disinclined to have a sex drive, much less a sex life. Enter fervent, shameful, glum masturbation as needed.







Bonus: Bar Exam!!!



Trick question. Nothing helps for the bar exam...you can't drink enough, smoke enough, pop enough pills, or fuck enough to help with this monster of a test: The hardest exam administered in America. All you can do is throw on another pot of coffee and cry in the shower.



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1 comment:

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