2.07.2010

Renting Sex Toys (No nudity, but NSFW)

I occasionally venture into the world of, and discuss, some of the stranger sex toys because ball gags and roman cross immobilization are hot. The gods know that there are more of them out there than I could possibly do justice to. However, occasionally the oddities hit me (Fleshlights), or the exceptionally cool one (OhMiBod), and the downright perverse ones (such as the Japanese, lolita, sleepy sex, amputee hentai collection).




Pssst, call me!



 This post takes on something a bit different, but in many respects, is more horrifying than tentacle dildos or amputee sex dolls.  Take something innocuous, like your standard Spencer's "massager", which runs you like $15-$20 bucks. Now, imagine you're too broke to actually buy one...or you don't have the money for a $300 rabbit. What is a guy/gal/couple/frat party supposed to do? Ask to borrow one? Steal one? It's a shame you couldn't just rent one...




Available in any American mall...at Spencer Gifts....right across from Hot Topic. Now, don't you feel like an ass for letting your little girl read "Twilight"?



Oh, wait...you CAN rent them. In what can only be the most ill-conceived business venture I've ever, ever heard, there is an online web-site called Rent-a-Dildo.comTheir website markets a variety of rented sex toys, FOR AS LOW AS $19.99 a Month, like these things were "jelly of the month" clubs, or Omaha steaks. Sayeth the rental lords of polyurethane pleasure "Over 1,000 sex toys to choose from - Dildos, Vibrators, Cock Rings, and more! All toys thoroughly cleaned and completely hygienic. No Commitments. Cancel Anytime"




Who's got time to read fine print when you've got diagrams. WHOO!!!




Seriously, WTF are these people thinking. You browse through the Anal Amazon, the beaded Barnes & Noble here, then pony up $20-$50 a month and rent some of the most horrifying, and horrifyingly large contraptions this side of German porn.  Ergo:



 
Not only would this satisfy "Goatse's", unique tastes, but it also vibrates!






 Yes, that does say SEVENTEEN INCHES....by 12 INCHES! That's not a sex toy...that's construction material.








Fortunately, Rent-a-Dildo doesn't judge you. And, they expressly go out of their way to let you know that:

We at Rent-A-Dildo feel it is necessary to respond preemptively to customer concerns over policies such as “throttling,” which treat customers differently based on their rental habits. We recognize that each of our users is an individual, with their own unique sexual tastes and desires, and under no circumstances will we engage in practices that penalize users for that sexual expression.




Thank god for non-judgmental people!!










However, those of you looking for a bit of the ole' backdoor fun, will likely be dismayed, however. According to the website (emphasis mine): 


Effective immediately, we will cease lending anal sex toys to customers. This includes butt plugs, anal beads, anal probes, and dual-penetration dildos. If you currently have one of these types of rental toys, you may keep it without charge as a courtesy accommodation.
We have taken this step due to concerns raised by health officials about the possible spread of fecal-borne disease. Please note, we are confident that our patent-pending cleaning process is sufficient to sterilize toys, even after extensive inter-anal use, and no infections have been reported by our customers. However, we have decided to err on the side of caution by eliminating anal toys from our rental inventory.
As a further precaution, all sex toys returned to us will be tested for fecal matter. If a toy tests positive, the customer returning the toy will be given a warning. Any repeat violations will result in the cancellation of the customer's account and being billed for the cost of the soiled toy.



 
Because nothing gets you hornier and more at ease than a product called "the Butt Stuffer" used in conjunction with the phrase "fecal-borne infection".




Trust me, I have no quibbles with people's kinks. There are many I do not understand (lookin' at you furries...and you too weirdo poo-eaters). I fall in (what I think) is a sane category of "sexually licentious, libertarian and Libertine"; thus, as long as it is safe, legal and consensual then there is not a lot of room for judgment on this end. Feign necrophilia? Fine by me. Dig up granny and schtup her carcass? No. Have the the wife parade around in a cheerleader costume? Whatever works for you. Troll the high school? Hell no. 




  
Wanna' do Lil' Bo Peep and her sheep? Knock yourself out.

 
 

But, there is always the caveat here: Safe. And, on so many reasons, not only does this defy sanity, it invites safety issues. I sure as hell wouldn't want to be their lawyer, that's for damned sure.





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