How to date a lawyer...

There is a new online resource called "AVVO", its mission is similar to the old, arcane Martindale-Hubble index: To tell other professionals and sophisticated consumers the "Q" factor of a given attorney or firm. Admittedly, it's come under fire, and I still think the best way to do this is the old fashioned way, via word of mouth.

 

Don't be such a pussy; give it a try...one day you'll be as mentally unbalanced as us!

 

But, being a new-ish internet model, they do have some interesting features. One such article was a "semi-serious" piece today on how to date a lawyer. They think this shit is tongue in cheek; I beg to differ. If you've got your eyes set on that bombshell in Mergers & Acquisitions or that buffed-up dude in Commercial Litigation, heed well.


Here are some excerpts:

Beware the lawyer personality

Once you’ve snagged a lawyer, beware. According to 20-year psychologist, Dr. Fiona Travis, “the same qualities that persuade juries and win cases can also work like acid on marital relations.” Our survey indicated the same, with one lawyer wife telling us that she endures “power trips” and “being spoken to like opposing counsel." Studies also show that lawyers tend to be defensive, argumentative, skeptical, and anti-social. However, the bright side is that you won’t experience these things often because lawyers are rarely at home. As one lawyer said, “Lawyers tend to be type A workaholics and have a hard time balancing work and family.”

 Why won't you just let me work, for fuck sake?! And close the door behind you.

Use Latin whenever possible

Lawyers feel warm and fuzzy when they hear Latin. An easy way to use Latin without knowing any is to give your pets Latin names. When you say, “Why, yes, I have a pet! It’s a poodle named Per Stirpes!” any lawyer will turn to putty in your hands.

 

Just don't try to name it "Lorem Ipsum"..we're wise to that trick.

Never speak of beliefs not backed by empirical evidence

For example, if you believe in the healing power of magnets, keep it to yourself. Instead, loudly and passionately accuse wait staff and small children of non sequiturs. Throw in a disparaging comment about the American education system for extra points.

 

Sorry Gaia, you're a sweet gal and all, but I don't think waiving my razor over a crystal pyramid is going to keep it sharper.

These are some of my favorite gems, but you must read the entire article.

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