80s Childhood Fantasies: Part One

Even as a child, I had a healthy dose of adrenaline-driven heterosexuality. Fortunately, I was a pure child of the '80s, and, as everyone knows, the 80s had some of the best big-haired, blue-eyeshadowed, permed chicks, ever; sporting their overalls and red plaids, and bouffant pants with Swatch watches. Ahhh, warms my dark little heart.

I am pleased to report that, although my vision has weakened, I am not yet blinded...

But, where was a young lad to get his fix? I lived deep in the Appalachian Mountains, and, even when moving to Alabama, those first few years were largely spent in the boonies atop Lookout Mountain. Accordingly, there just weren't a lot of women around, particularly those that could provide the visual stimulation I needed. Like so many things in life, thank the gods for television...No matter what, the electric glow of sex was just one after school special away...

This is one of those things that's too horrifying to not share, so without further ado, I give you the 80s girls that got me through those formative years.

Nicole Eggert: Charles in Charge

You could tell she was going to be hot from the git-go...

Sweet Summer Powell, one of the few blondes on this list, was one of the very few 80s television icons to just scream "three drinks, and I'll have a threesome". As a result, she always ranked very high in my mental dossier. Eggert, for those living in a cage, went on to take off a lot of her clothes about a decade later in Baywatch. For my money, I never understood what the hell she was doing with those dorks on Charles in Charge....

...and she damn sure was a hottie. 

Some decidedly NSFW pics are out there too, which only affirms what I maintained when I was 12: Three Drinks.

 

Linda Carter: Wonder Woman

By far the prettiest of the 80s luminaries...

Linda Carter was, is, and shall always be Wonder Woman. I don't mean that as in "she's associated with the character".  I mean that until the day that I day, I will believe in an Amazon, with an invisible jet, a kick-ass mind control lasso, and one stunningly beautiful brunette in a gold-red vinyl bathing suit. The 80s may have given us a lot of horseshit, but they also gave us Linda Carter roping guys close to her, talking tough, with her breasts defying gravity and the FCC censors...

 

Damn. Just damn.

 

 

Catherine Bach, Dukes of Hazzard

Jorts have never been this sexy...

If Wonder Woman was my dark dominatrix, and Summer was hoped-for college fling, then Daisy Duke was what I wanted my neighbors to look like. It required almost nothing for Catherine Bach to hoist her breasts up into a tied off flannel shirt and put on the least concealing denim shorts known to man. Interestingly enough, although I lived a scant 15 miles from North Georgia, no one I knew dressed this way...although, life would have been a damn-sight better if they had...

You gotta' think that she never got a ticket...ever.

Up next, Part Two, in which I shamelessly reveal those closer to my own age...

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