Dear Science: Leave booze alone...

We've been here before...and while there's hell to pay at dawn, the night was worth it...

Let me say, right out of the gate, that I love science. I am not a Comstock or Luddite hell-bent on ensuring that we progress no further than 1476. But, some things are very clearly not mean to be messed with by science, first among them, are our tasty fermented/distilled beverages. After all, 'twas booze which jump-started agriculture, contributing to...well...communities and civilization as we know it...

Let's hurry up and get the hops in boys, so we can get busy inventing literature...

And we love our booze. Whether it's fermented potatoes (Vodka), sugar cane (Rum), grain crops (Beers), or even fermenting beer (Scotch), as long as it give us a tingle, humans are down with it. You'd think that would be good enough, but, no...Some scientists are concerned about the age-old problem of imbibing too much of a poison, namely becoming really shit-faced and/or the ensuing hangover...

Dear Scientists: Hangovers are well worth the price for this...

According to the Telegraph, the new buzz is one that "works like alcohol on nerves in the brain that provide a feeling of wellbeing and relaxation...But unlike alcohol its does not affect other parts of the brain that control mood swings and lead to addiction." Thus, ending hangovers as we know it.

Shit, is that "drunk drug" retroactive?

 

So far so good; you get the buzz without becoming a lush, a wreck the next day and/or thinking we're Batman. You know who this hurts don't you? Tequila. But, the worst part is to come "[Mad scientists] envision a world in which people could drink without getting drunk, he said. No matter how many glasses they had, they would remain in that pleasant state of mild inebriation and at the end of an evening out, revellers could pop a sober-up pill that would let them drive home"

Why yes, the masses would like some Soma, please...

Does that sound good to you? Consequence-free, all-night buzzes, with absolutely no hell to pay...either that night or the next day?

If so, you're wrong. And, here are several good reasons why.

The most obvious reason is the drunk hook-up, but that goes without saying...

First, Pain: we need to learn how to get drunk so as to learn how to pay the piper that night or the next next day. I give not one shit about advanced Ericksonnian stages of development, nothing is a greater motivator than pain. And, there are few greater encouragements to sobriety than the soul-crush of a three-day hangover or running your mouth and getting your ass kicked in a bar fight.

Your humble author's self-perception after half a bottle of Jack Daniels...this has ended poorly on more than one occasion...

 

Second, Regret/Remorse/What the Fuck did I just do? Assume that you're lucky enough to not get into a fight/confrontation/polar bear cage, and the gods show you favor by permitting you to duck the scourge of hangovers, that does not mean that you're in the clear. There's usually a moment, of "Holy shit, what did I do?". Be it pouring out your heart, propositioning your boss/subordinate at the office party, trying to hump luncheon meet, pissing your bed and/or some random person's houseplants...the best highs are accompanied by the panic the next day of "Oh, shit....what did I do....Why did I do that?!" Bonus points if you have to be reminded, particularly with photographic evidence...

Think this would have happened if not for the Long Island shooters?

More great ones here. 

Three; Contrition.  All that partying, all that stupid shit, all that -well, getting drunk- comes with a price. And, eventually you have to see those folks again. This is a perfect opportunity to do some growing up and sheepishly learn how to say "I'm sorry, I fucked your best friend"; "You know I didn't mean to say that"; "Dude, I'm so so sorry I pissed on your Xbox"; "We shouldn't have done that; I'm sorry it happened...did you at least like it?"

Umm, yea...about last night...that text wasn't supposed to go to you...Sorry, Mom.

Four; Pleasure. In this world where plants can be banned, while other legal ones kill us, alcohol is the one constant. The thing the Government can't take away from us (Damn you, Prohibition), and is one of the few pleasures in life that goes great with our our other pleasures. Be it that glass of wine, that turns into a bottle, over a nice dinner; the six pack that turns into half a case during the game; the one drink that turns into a few at the pub after work...Like Everest, it's there to be conquered, and to be enjoyed, in whatever dose you may prefer. And, I think it goes without saying, that no manufactured beer-pill will ever cleanse the palate, tingle your heart or give you the pure joy of a Guiness 250.

  

Your wife doesn't love you, Arthur Guinness does...

We need our booze, we need the experiences, good and ill, that alcohol provides us. There is a larger cultural phenomenon at play here (besides, it would all but kill the practice of law). More importantly, we need the opportunities to fuck up, to redeem ourselves (or live in regret), that booze provides. These are lessons that can only be taught through the loss of moderation. And, quite frankly, we need the interesting stories that these drunken sojourns tell us about ourselves. And, yes, we even need the hangovers. So, perhaps science should stick to more useful exploits, like stem-cell research, curing cancer, making a 7 foot tall ear of corn, or cloning that will benefit us all...

You gotta' admit; it would be pretty kick-ass. Can we make this happen with a German Shepherd?

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