This time, we move on to the more esoteric.
Mr. Shadow, you've mentioned previously that you grew up in grinding poverty. When you became a lawyer, did you go nuts with money? Buy new stuff all the time?
No. My prior positions haven't exactly been flush with cash, first of all. I worked for judiciaries out of school. While prestige gigs, they don't make you rich. And I've worked for Indian tribes, and as in-house for a Fortune 500 company. Comfortable living, but nothing to go nuts about. Besides, the average lawyer today walks out 100K in debt; and I am no exception.
The one and only thing nice I did for myself was buy a brand spanking new, one day old, 1.2 miles on the odometer, fully loaded Black Scion xB, with custom stereo. I love this car almost as much as life itself. I only regret that there aren't enough wide open spaces here to really cut loose for my other great love: Road trips.
In fairness, it is a pretty sweet car.
And it damn well better be...I'm going to have to drive it for the next decade.
So, um, you're not rich? I thought lawyers were rich?
Um, no, I'm not. And, admittedly, many lawyers do very well for themselves. But, like any profession (and more so than most) you have to absolutely bust your ass, literally 70-80 hour weeks for nearly a decade, before you get that "lawya' money". And, that's if you're fortunate enough to work at such a place where hourly rates are the norm and where the clients actually pay the bills.
Sure, there are some -in the large cities- where you make 100-200K outta' school and clerkships. Those firms are surprisingly few and far between. The silk stockings, so to speak. And, they are supercompetitive mills where you hold a brief case for five years, doing tasks like "doc review" and "due diligence".
I could have worked at one in Omaha/Chicago. But, you're talking 90% attrition within three years for new associates. Moreover, everyone in my "hiring class" was summarily laid off when the bad times hit.
So, no, we're not immune from financial turmoil. Especially we younger guys and gals. We're fired first, and yet we're the ones in the most debt.
Sorry I can't stick around to hear how much you enjoy that third home in Montana, Senior Firing Partner. I've got to get to the food stamp office by 5:00.
Wow. That's grim stuff. Let's move on: I understand you may possibly be a sex addict. So, what's your favorite position? Doggy? Missionary? "Buck"? Do you like to take control? Be dominated? Light BDSM or full-on edging? Toys? The Scott Turow "Peach Pit"?
Yes.
Which one?
Yes.
"Yes": The best word in the English Language.
And, if it's said three times, or in conjunction with "Oh God", you've done well.
Very well. Are you ready for this one? What's your Myers-Briggs?
INTJ. Look it up lawya'.
INTJs apply (often ruthlessly) the criterion "Does it work?" to everything from their own research efforts to the prevailing social norms. This in turn produces an unusual independence of mind, freeing the INTJ from the constraints of authority, convention, or sentiment for its own sake ... INTJs are known as the "Systems Builders" of the types, perhaps in part because they possess the unusual trait combination of imagination and reliability. Whatever system an INTJ happens to be working on is for them the equivalent of a moral cause to an INFJ; both perfectionism and disregard for authority may come into play ... Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel ... This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals ... Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense.
Makes sense, now. But, I refuse to believe you're introverted. What are your other weaknesses?
It's true. Look, I don't like to admit this, but I am terribly shy in social situations. A "rainmaker" I will never be, except on the basis of referral, which is presently how I do things. Although, once I get relaxed or comfortable with a person, you'll find that I just never shut up. As people have noted I'm not the most approachable person, and my smile very often looks like sneers of contempt.
Along with this social awkwardness comes stage fright. Amazing, huh? I make my living upon a stage but am terrified for days leading up to the consummation of the efforts. When I was a professional musician, I had to be nearly falling-down drunk to climb on a stage.
What is your biggest, irrational fear?
Easy. Flying and Clowns. And, especially flying clowns.
And you call it "irrational".
I see that it's time for you to head to work. Is there anything you'd like to add this morning?
Yes, I really want to move out of this condo. It was rented for me when I was still on the mainland. But, the covenants forbid animals (and the median age of tenant is about Methuselah). I love and miss pets; especially dogs. To that end, I adopted a stray starving kitten, and have turned her into a talkative, loving indoor/outdoor kitty.
Mr. Fuzzy-Pants, the talking terror of West Hawaii...
She loves stealing the newspaper, and eating the local wildlife.
Anything else?
Yes, I love geckos. They are the coolest critters ever. If you ever come visit, watch out for your ice cream and beer, as they will sneak down to steal either one.
Say goodbye, Slappy the Gecko.
-d.s.
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