Dolphins: Now with less rape...

So, dolphins, those incredibly evil, malign, ruthlessly intelligent, rape-y creatures of the deep apparently do more than blast fishies with underwater sonar, kill for fun and rape anything that gets near them...

Swimming with the dolphins: Coordinated aquatic sexual assault.

What else, you ask, might our e'er smiling friends of the deep do that could possibly be of benefit to our species. For one, you could thank them for saving the life of Dick Fucking Van Dyke.

And, no, I'm not making that up.

According to many sources (most of them suspending credulity, I add), the following occurred:

According to a report in the Guardian, he fell asleep on his surfboard out at sea near where he lives. When he woke up, far from the beach he began to paddle his way to shore. Suddenly, fins appeared to surround his surfboard and he was afraid for his life.
But then they turned out to be porpoises. And they pushed him to shore! This is the kind of stuff dreams are made of. Mr. Van Dyke also saved some of his fortune because that kind of frolicking with sea creatures costs a lot of money at Sea World.

They were saving you, Mr. Van Dyke...For next time.

I'd love to add something to this, but I think the National Post summed it up best:
A Google search of “Dick Van Dyke” and “drugs” results in a whole lot of random celebrity sites and no real answer.
Which is good. Because you want stories that involve incredible porpoise rescues involving 84-year-old classic actors to be real.

Touche, National Post. Touche.


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