Okay, actually I don't mind this crazy lady.
There is much to recommend cats. In their favor: Cats are barely domesticated, and are -as nature panned out- the perfect predators for a terrestrial environment. They take care of themselves perfectly well, don't require much fawning or attention, and certainly don't require nearly the maintenance of dogs.
Unknown to most people, 100% of cats do this 99% of the time.
But they are also intemperate, mean, hiss-y, claw-y, they shit indoors for no good reasons, piss on things for no good reason, shed like a shih-tzu in chemotherapy. And, to top it all off, I'm allergic to them, which is a sign from the gods that I don't need to be around them anymore.
Sure, it might eat you, but admit it...you want to pet this puppy.
But dogs? Dogs and humans just got together. When you have a little kid, what do you get it for a companion? A puppy naturally. Our species are codependent, and have been for tens of thousands of years. Long ago in the primordial forests, the first wolf overcame it's fear of fire and approached people eating. We decided to give the starvin' fella' a hanuch of meat. In exchange for lowering itself on the pack order, the wolf protected our encampment through alarm or teeth, became part of the pack, and gave us affection. In return, we gave it affection, food, warmth and removed one if its only predators. Us.
Puppies and Babies: Like peanut butter & jelly, everything else is a poor derivative.
So, yea, I love dogs. And, more to the point, I detest crazy ass cat people. We've all known the crazy ass cat lperson: lonely, pitiful, too weak-spirited to take control of their own pack, absolute betas in a world ran by alphas, socially awkward, and always doting on their animals to the point of madness.
You know who I'm talkin' about...
Today, via Emails From Crazy People, comes just one example of what we all know to be all-too true. This email from the sociopath may be long, but it is definitely worth the read. (emphases mine)...
Hi Rob,
Thanks so much for taking care of Rosie and Simba while I am gone! Please follow these specific instructions for their care.
On Saturday morning please open a can of food for them (I will leave the can out on the cart in the kitchen). Put half the can of food in one of the bowls (I will also leave the bowls on the cart) and the other half in the other bowl. It is very important that they are EXACTLY equal amounts it there is any variance at all Rosie get very upset and becomes inconsolable. And you know what that means.
After you have put exactly half of the can in each bowl and then put one bowl in my bedroom on the green floral place mat for Rosie and the other bowl on the green floral placemat on the floor in the kitchen next to the Platinum Drinkwell water fountain. At this time check the fountain to make sure it is working properly. You may want to take a taste yourself to make sure it is at a cool enough temperature.
After the cats eat (at this time they are allowed to fraternize together in the liviging room but please leave Rosie by herself in my bedroom with the door closed when you leave otherwise the cats get into fights.) anyways, after they eat they like to be burped. This can be done by holding each cat like a baby on your shoulder and patting them gently, not too hard, until they burp twice. Each cat must burp twice. Sometimes it helps if you sing to them.
Next, it is playtime! You will find a basket on the floor in the livng room with lots of fun toys. Try not to become overly excited and please remember that these do not belong to you and that I will be taking inventory of them before I leave so I will know if anything is missing.
Playtime should last plus or minus 3 hours or so. It is vital for the cat’s health that they get this exercise so please, don’t cut this time short. I ususally like to start with a warm up of running after stuffed mice followed by chasing bits of string and wrapping up the last hour with stretching and a little more mommy and baby yoga. For the yoga, there is a video that I will put in the VCR for you and all you have to do is push play on the remote.
You might want to start the session with rose since she’s only 10lbs and then work your way up to Simba at 15lbs. The video will show you how to perform each exercise and please don’t skip the massage portion because that’s their favorite part.
Before you leave please scoop the poop and pee out of the litter and put it in one of the trash bags you will find in the blue bag hanging on the wall inside the huge closet that I will clearly label “Litter closet” for you. On your way out deposti the poop/pee bag in the trash room which is directly next to my apartment.
They will expect you to kiss them each on the nose and give them a hung before you leave and don’t forget to put Rosie back in my bedroom with the door closed so she doesn’t get all homicidal on Simba while I am gone. Please lock the deadbolt on your way out.
I will probably call you two or three times while I am one to check on their status. I will put your $25 on the kitchen counter next to the can of food. Try not to spend it all in one place.
Thanks again!Kelly
Wow. There is nothing I can add to that...Nothing. But, the Combat Dog reminds you...
TThat is all.
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