Facebook has the Hive Mind...

Beware Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook and epitome of Nerdy Evil Villian.

Today's story from the Hive is meant to be "cool", an "intern's" visualization of the connections between friends meant to create another view of the world: One without geographic limitations such as territorial boundaries.


Take it away "intern"

When the data is the social graph of 500 million people, there are a lot of lenses through which you can view it. One that piqued my curiosity was the locality of friendship. I was interested in seeing how geography and political borders affected where people lived relative to their friends. I wanted a visualization that would show which cities had a lot of friendships between them.

I began by taking a sample of about ten million pairs of friends from Apache Hive, our data warehouse. I combined that data with each user's current city and summed the number of friends between each pair of cities. Then I merged the data with the longitude and latitude of each city.

Okay, Einstein, sum it up for those in the Facebook Sphere of Influence...

After a few minutes of rendering, the new plot appeared, and I was a bit taken aback by what I saw. The blob had turned into a surprisingly detailed map of the world. Not only were continents visible, certain international borders were apparent as well. 

Well, what does this look like?

 It is surprisingly cool, though.

Click to John Holmes this bitch (big file...3.8 mbs), or, go to the source page

But, what corporate endeavour to track and plot 1/2 a billion souls is complete without a lil' PR language allegedly spoken by the "intern".

What really struck me, though, was knowing that the lines didn't represent coasts or rivers or political borders, but real human relationships. Each line might represent a friendship made while travelling, a family member abroad, or an old college friend pulled away by the various forces of life.

This is meant to put our mind at ease, but, we really know what these lines represent; and it isn't "a relationship." Rather, it's more than likely dick jokes and pictures of drunks behaving badly.

Like yours truly, in the foreground, wrecking folks in the pit.

 Ah, to be young and indestructible again.

-d.s.

Dolphins: Now with less rape...

So, dolphins, those incredibly evil, malign, ruthlessly intelligent, rape-y creatures of the deep apparently do more than blast fishies with underwater sonar, kill for fun and rape anything that gets near them...

Swimming with the dolphins: Coordinated aquatic sexual assault.

What else, you ask, might our e'er smiling friends of the deep do that could possibly be of benefit to our species. For one, you could thank them for saving the life of Dick Fucking Van Dyke.

And, no, I'm not making that up.

According to many sources (most of them suspending credulity, I add), the following occurred:

According to a report in the Guardian, he fell asleep on his surfboard out at sea near where he lives. When he woke up, far from the beach he began to paddle his way to shore. Suddenly, fins appeared to surround his surfboard and he was afraid for his life.

But then they turned out to be porpoises. And they pushed him to shore! This is the kind of stuff dreams are made of. Mr. Van Dyke also saved some of his fortune because that kind of frolicking with sea creatures costs a lot of money at Sea World.

They were saving you, Mr. Van Dyke...For next time.

I'd love to add something to this, but I think the National Post summed it up best:

A Google search of “Dick Van Dyke” and “drugs” results in a whole lot of random celebrity sites and no real answer.

Which is good. Because you want stories that involve incredible porpoise rescues involving 84-year-old classic actors to be real.

Touche, National Post. Touche.

-d.s. 

Renting Sex Toys (No nudity, but NSFW)

I occasionally venture into the world of, and discuss, some of the stranger sex toys because ball gags and roman cross immobilization are hot. The gods know that there are more of them out there than I could possibly do justice to. However, occasionally the oddities hit me (Fleshlights), or the exceptionally cool one (OhMiBod), and the downright perverse ones (such as the Japanese, lolita, sleepy sex, amputee hentai collection).

Pssst, call me!

Image (c) RadiumLabs

 This post takes on something a bit different, but in many respects, is more horrifying than tentacle dildos or amputee sex dolls.  Take something innocuous, like your standard Spencer's "massager", which runs you like $15-$20 bucks. Now, imagine you're too broke to actually buy one...or you don't have the money for a $300 rabbit. What is a guy/gal/couple/frat party supposed to do? Ask to borrow one? Steal one? It's a shame you couldn't just rent one...

Available in any American mall...at Spencer Gifts....right across from Hot Topic. Now, don't you feel like an ass for letting your little girl read "Twilight"?

Oh, wait...you CAN rent them. In what can only be the most ill-conceived business venture I've ever, ever heard, there is an online web-site called Rent-a-Dildo.com.  Their website markets a variety of rented sex toys, FOR AS LOW AS $19.99 a Month, like these things were "jelly of the month" clubs, or Omaha steaks. Sayeth the rental lords of polyurethane pleasure "Over 1,000 sex toys to choose from - Dildos, Vibrators, Cock Rings, and more! All toys thoroughly cleaned and completely hygienic. No Commitments. Cancel Anytime"

Who's got time to read fine print when you've got diagrams. WHOO!!!

Seriously, WTF are these people thinking. You browse through the Anal Amazon, the beaded Barnes & Noble here, then pony up $20-$50 a month and rent some of the most horrifying, and horrifyingly large contraptions this side of German porn.  Ergo:

 

Not only would this satisfy "Goatse's", unique tastes, but it also vibrates!

 Yes, that does say SEVENTEEN INCHES....by 12 INCHES! That's not a sex toy...that's construction material.

Fortunately, Rent-a-Dildo doesn't judge you. And, they expressly go out of their way to let you know that:

We at Rent-A-Dildo feel it is necessary to respond preemptively to customer concerns over policies such as “throttling,” which treat customers differently based on their rental habits. We recognize that each of our users is an individual, with their own unique sexual tastes and desires, and under no circumstances will we engage in practices that penalize users for that sexual expression.

Thank god for non-judgmental people!!

However, those of you looking for a bit of the ole' backdoor fun, will likely be dismayed, however. According to the website (emphasis mine): 

Effective immediately, we will cease lending anal sex toys to customers. This includes butt plugs, anal beads, anal probes, and dual-penetration dildos. If you currently have one of these types of rental toys, you may keep it without charge as a courtesy accommodation.

We have taken this step due to concerns raised by health officials about the possible spread of fecal-borne disease. Please note, we are confident that our patent-pending cleaning process is sufficient to sterilize toys, even after extensive inter-anal use, and no infections have been reported by our customers. However, we have decided to err on the side of caution by eliminating anal toys from our rental inventory.

As a further precaution, all sex toys returned to us will be tested for fecal matter. If a toy tests positive, the customer returning the toy will be given a warning. Any repeat violations will result in the cancellation of the customer's account and being billed for the cost of the soiled toy.

 

Because nothing gets you hornier and more at ease than a product called "the Butt Stuffer" used in conjunction with the phrase "fecal-borne infection".

Trust me, I have no quibbles with people's kinks. There are many I do not understand (lookin' at you furries...and you too weirdo poo-eaters). I fall in (what I think) is a sane category of "sexually licentious, libertarian and Libertine"; thus, as long as it is safe, legal and consensual then there is not a lot of room for judgment on this end. Feign necrophilia? Fine by me. Dig up granny and schtup her carcass? No. Have the the wife parade around in a cheerleader costume? Whatever works for you. Troll the high school? Hell no. 

  

Wanna' do Lil' Bo Peep and her sheep? Knock yourself out.

 

 

But, there is always the caveat here: Safe. And, on so many reasons, not only does this defy sanity, it invites safety issues. I sure as hell wouldn't want to be their lawyer, that's for damned sure.

.

If it happens after midnight, I guess she was asking for it...

 That apparently is the logic being employed by Indian MP, Shantaram Naik.

Mr. Naik probably really gets off on the hot, consensual action in "The Accused".

Naik is from the now-infamous Goa region of India, where the international case of 15 year old Scarlett Keeling has put the city on the map. Keeling was an attractive 15 year old Brit touring the area. She was drugged, abducted and raped by a local bartender and one other man, with her body later being found in the river. Even then, it took the Indian government a disgracefully long time to correct the autopsy to indicate that she had died of unnatural causes rather than drowning. Goa is a well-known font of sexual assaults and other tourist attacks, so much so that some governments are warning their citizens to steer clear.

Scarlett Keeling, in happier times.

Naik, responding to the Russian government's concerns that its citizens might not be safe in Goa, came up with the stupefying logic that sexual assaults occuring after midnight are not rape, hell, aren't even a crime.

"An alleged rape of a lady who moves with strangers for days together even beyond middle of the night is to be treated on different footings," said Mr Naik, as opposition MPs shouted their disapproval.

Some things you can't make up...this is one of them.

That's one solution, Mr. Naik...

Cat People: One of many reasons I am a dog person...

Cat people, especially the crazy cat lady. No way to sugar coat it: These folks are psychotic...

Okay, actually I don't mind this crazy lady.

There is much to recommend cats. In their favor: Cats are barely domesticated, and are -as nature panned out- the perfect predators for a terrestrial environment. They take care of themselves perfectly well, don't require much fawning or attention, and certainly don't require nearly the maintenance of dogs.

Unknown to most people, 100% of cats do this 99% of the time.

  

But they are also intemperate, mean, hiss-y, claw-y, they shit indoors for no good reasons, piss on things for no good reason, shed like a shih-tzu in chemotherapy. And, to top it all off, I'm allergic to them, which is a sign from the gods that I don't need to be around them anymore.

Sure, it might eat you, but admit it...you want to pet this puppy.

But dogs? Dogs and humans just got together. When you have a little kid, what do you get it for a companion? A puppy naturally. Our species are codependent, and have been for tens of thousands of years. Long ago in the primordial forests, the first wolf overcame it's fear of fire and approached people eating. We decided to give the starvin' fella' a hanuch of meat. In exchange for lowering itself on the pack order, the wolf protected our encampment through alarm or teeth, became part of the pack, and gave us affection. In return, we gave it affection, food, warmth and removed one if its only predators. Us.

Puppies and Babies: Like peanut butter & jelly, everything else is a poor derivative.

So, yea, I love dogs. And, more to the point, I detest crazy ass cat people. We've all known the crazy ass cat lperson: lonely, pitiful, too weak-spirited to take control of their own pack, absolute betas in a world ran by alphas, socially awkward, and always doting on their animals to the point of madness.

You know who I'm talkin' about...

Today, via Emails From Crazy People, comes just one example of what we all know to be all-too true. This email from the sociopath may be long, but it is definitely worth the read. (emphases mine)...

Hi Rob,

Thanks so much for taking care of Rosie and Simba while I am gone! Please follow these specific instructions for their care.

On Saturday morning please open a can of food for them (I will leave the can out on the cart in the kitchen). Put half the can of food in one of the bowls (I will also leave the bowls on the cart) and the other half in the other bowl. It is very important that they are EXACTLY equal amounts it there is any variance at all Rosie get very upset and becomes inconsolable. And you know what that means.

After you have put exactly half of the can in each bowl and then put one bowl in my bedroom on the green floral place mat for Rosie and the other bowl on the green floral placemat on the floor in the kitchen next to the Platinum Drinkwell water fountain. At this time check the fountain to make sure it is working properly. You may want to take a taste yourself to make sure it is at a cool enough temperature.

After the cats eat (at this time they are allowed to fraternize together in the liviging room but please leave Rosie by herself in my bedroom with the door closed when you leave otherwise the cats get into fights.) anyways, after they eat they like to be burped. This can be done by holding each cat like a baby on your shoulder and patting them gently, not too hard, until they burp twice. Each cat must burp twice. Sometimes it helps if you sing to them.

Next, it is playtime! You will find a basket on the floor in the livng room with lots of fun toys. Try not to become overly excited and please remember that these do not belong to you and that I will be taking inventory of them before I leave so I will know if anything is missing.

 Playtime should last plus or minus 3 hours or so. It is vital for the cat’s health that they get this exercise so please, don’t cut this time short. I ususally like to start with a warm up of running after stuffed mice followed by chasing bits of string and wrapping up the last hour with stretching and a little more mommy and baby yoga. For the yoga, there is a video that I will put in the VCR for you and all you have to do is push play on the remote.

You might want to start the session with rose since she’s only 10lbs and then work your way up to Simba at 15lbs. The video will show you how to perform each exercise and please don’t skip the massage portion because that’s their favorite part.

Before you leave please scoop the poop and pee out of the litter and put it in one of the trash bags you will find in the blue bag hanging on the wall inside the huge closet that I will clearly label “Litter closet” for you. On your way out deposti the poop/pee bag in the trash room which is directly next to my apartment.

They will expect you to kiss them each on the nose and give them a hung before you leave and don’t forget to put Rosie back in my bedroom with the door closed so she doesn’t get all homicidal on Simba while I am gone. Please lock the deadbolt on your way out.

I will probably call you two or three times while I am one to check on their status. I will put your $25 on the kitchen counter next to the can of food. Try not to spend it all in one place.

Thanks again!Kelly

Wow. There is nothing I can add to that...Nothing. But, the Combat Dog reminds you...

T

That is all.

Speaking of awkward...sometimes you're just better off adopted...

Really, just a big teddy bear.

Meet Mr. Matthew Roberts. While Matt looks fierce enough, this 41 year old DJ is both a vegan and pacifist.  Matt is adopted. And, like so many other kids of adoption, Matt sought out his real parents. First he found mom, and mom told him that a long time ago she met a "hobo" she was entranced by....and that it really was in his best interest to leave it be.

Still being curious, Matt kept poking around, and then found his dad. Pops is currently serving time (life, to be precise) in San Quentin. No fun. Matt then found out who dad was....

HOLY SHIT!

Yes, the super laid back, but intense looking Matthew is the natural son of none other than holy-shit-Charles-Manson. While this apparently freaked out Matthew (and still does), he thought about the decision for five years, and then --get this-- wrote his dad in prison. Dad wrote back in his typical Manson style....

 

 

Looks like perfectly sane prose to me...

Now, Charlie is writing Matthew regularly...ten times, thus far. Which brings me to the obvious statement: sometimes closed adoption records exist for a damned good reason. Particularly if dad is a mass murderer with a proclivity to --ahem-- writing in a variety of medium.

S

Sorry. Couldn't resist...

tickling with feathers is sexy...

But the whole chicken, now that's just kinky.

You know, after enough drinks you'd hit that...

I've long given up on trying to figure out people's sexual idiosyncracies. I'm glad that we have these oddities and hang ups though: it makes the world a more interesting place. And, the upside is, a one-night stand can easily turn into cyber-stalking, late night scurrying in bushes, or the occasional dead rabbit.

I'm just sayin, you might want to take her for coffee instead...

 

However, some kinks are those that you just will never understand, not in a million years. Such as this little gem from Pittburgh's Craigslist....

click for biggening

Remember kids, it's a fucking sick world out there....

Holy. Shit. That is just plain kinky...However, I have no doubt that had he offered more than a dollar, tons of women would have jumped at the chance to have their own memorable tale and/or story latter recapped by a bad episode of CSI....

Bizarre, criminal and quite frankly frightening....

This unhappy little Jeremiad from Tampa reveals the truly dark side of the Scientology cult: hunting down and imprisoning apostates, forced labor, terrorizing, humiliating, the whole gamut that went out with Pope Urban's auto de fe.Well worth the read and the view....

Tom Cruise, your dirty little secret is out...Wanna' come sic Xenu on me?

The Japanese Amputee, Lolita, Sleepy Sex, Hentai sex toy catalog

Warning: This post gets progressively twisted; in fact, probably a bit disturbing even for me. Those easily freaked out should probably go look at these movies of puppies.

Look, a puppy!

If you've read this for a while, or have been foolish enough to browse the archives with what little time we have in the Western World, then you've discovered my love of the Japanese: Their sense of humor (faking an assassination, you know, just for fun), their random oddness, their wonderful culture. I just like and respect the nation, its history and its truly eccentric society. However, there is one facet of the Japanese modern culture which I love above all others: Their downright weird consumer culture...such as the lap pillow...

...and the "man thong"...

....and their game shows....

Today's featured consumer products are no exception. In fact, I don't think I could ever find A) a consumer catalog this odd, and B) anyone other than the Japanese that would even think of manufacturing (much less selling) this line of sex products....

(Cont'd after the jump, but fair warning, this catalog is absolutely twisted**).

Menstruation: You're doing it wrong...

This is what happens when parents don't have the "chat"...their poor son doesn't know whether to use pads or tampons.

Click to John Holmes this image, from YahooAnswerFail.com

Where is Darwin When You Need Him: Juggalos

Is this couple preparing to go to an Insane Clown Posse concert? Nooooo...

Among the oddest phenomena of lower-middle class, White America, is the Juggalo. Defined helpfully by the Urban Dictionary as

Confused individuals that are a product of the break down of the white middle class/lower class family, hero worship, and the emasculatory expectations of society. Usually characterized as indolent, witless, overly self-glorifying, and speak a lot of shit about anyone but are never concerned about backing it up because they won't. All these traits are an attempt for a cohesive group structure that accepts them and will tolerate their unfounded angst/effeminate banter or actions. A purely American occurance that is a scourge on par with Chavs and Wiggers.

Or, my favorite,

A piece of shit that's so obscure it can't be flushed.

For anyone not privy to this "fascinating" group people that paint their faces like clowns a la their retarded heroes Insane Clown Posse, worship Faygo, and think that there is a greater religion know as gathering of the "Dark Carnival", then I present to you the following Myspace profile of a "Juggalette" (feminine form, natch). All-cap, naturally, to emphasize the universal angst and hardness of the carnie life.

"IM A OLD SCHOOL HARDCORE JUGGALO FROM CHICAGO. REPP'N CHI-TOWN JUGGALO TILL THA DAY I DIE! WOOP WOOP !!! I LOVE GO'N 2 PSYCHOPATHIC CONCERTZ. IM ALWAYZ THERE. I LOVE MY JUGGALO BF ♥JOE. FUCK U LATER BABY..KISSES! I KICK IT WIT MY RYDAZ N HOMIEZ WHEN I CAN. I LOVE KICK'N IT WIT JUGGALOZ, JUGGALETTEZ, & NINJAZ...PARTY'N, DRINK'N, SMOKE'N, DRUG'N WIT NINJAZ IS WHAT I LIKE 2 DO. ALL WHILE BUMP'N PSYCHOPATHIC. THE BEST OF TIMEZ...FAYGO OF EVERY FLAVA IS THA SHIT. MAGIK FAYGO IS THE BEST! KNOW ABOUT IT BITCHES! I REPP THA HATCHET LIKE A SICK RELIGION. I AM THE KINDEST, NICEST, FUNNIEST NINJA U KNOW. I WILL TAKE MY OWN PSYCHOPATHIC SHIRT OFF MY BACK 4 FAM. BUT...IF U FUCK ME OVER, LIE, STEAL, OR TALK SHIT I CAN BECOME YER WORST FUCK'N NIGHTMARE! I RESPECT JUGGALOZ & EXPECT RESPECT BACK. FUCK OFF THE BULLSHIT. I COLOR MY HAIR FRUITY ASS COLORZ B/C IT MAKES ME HAPPY. I LIKE 2 JOKE YO MIND. IM NOT SHORT YER ALL JUST REALLY TALL. YEA RIGHT..I LIKE WATCHING CARTOONZ. PLAY'N WIT MY KITTY MILENKO. I LOVE SMOKE'N DRO, GORILLA PEE, NE WEED 4 THAT MATTER. ♥XANAX IS MY FAVORITE DRUG. mmmmmmmm xanaxxx ;P VIDEO GAMES, PSYCHOPATHIC MUSIC, DRUGS, N DIRTY CLOTHES IS BASICLY MY DAYZ. BUT NOTHING COMPARES 2 PSYCHOPATHIC & ICP CONCERTS STANDING UNDER A FAYGO RAIN♥ FUCK ALL THE FRUITY ASS HATERZ! GROW SOME BALL HAIR & STEP UP OR FUCK OFF!!! AND 2 EVERYONE ELSE... "

Predictably, she and her Juggalo bred. With devastating results....

 I have to think the infant would not have condoned running Hatchet Men as its final reward.

I do not like dead children. Nothing on this earth is more horrifying than the death of a child or a child in pain. But, I look at the "parents" here, and think to myself, "Really, what kind of existence were they setting this kid up for?" So, when I ask that Darwin take over, it really should have been one branch back in the ole gene pool...not this kid.

I get emails....

Behold the M.S. Paint goodness that is my Gmail Inbox. While we can, and do, say a great many things about the 44th President, I've never really gotten the impression that he's a candle-in-the-ass kind of guy. Or that he needs Cialis. Or that he would need Cialis once he had a candle in his bum.

Oh, I seeeee what you were saying now...

Sometimes, it doesn't pay to have a strong accent.

I am very worried about my readership

So, about 300 of you come here a day...with about 75 new folks per day. How folks arrive here is one of the most illuminating, yet terrifying looks into the human psyche that I shall ever be exposed to. Just today, here is how folks found me (Welcome to Omaha, baby! wh00t), in rank order, the Google tells me you were looking for:

1. Dungeons and Dragons Girls
Fellas, you are NOT helping the image of computer and gaming geeks
2. Chinese Enema
WTF? My Euro readers apparently are REALLY into A) the Chinese and B) enemas
3. Girl + Nerd + Fetish
Ok, I can't say anything about this one :)
4. Gillian Anderson + Smoking
Again, nothing for this...it's pretty damned hot
5. "Gothlaw"
I'm supposing these are random folks that see my car cruising around the O
6. Gothic + Lawyers
Ummm, we exist? You found one. My question to YOU is, are you currently represented? Are you solvent? Don't worry about either...we can work around them!
7. Sarah Chalke
Ok...You win. Jesus, I didn't know Canada produced that
8. Fucked up countries
LOL! I guess I need to get back to reviewing countries of the world and explaining why each in turn is a festering shithole
9. Lotus + Enema
See #2 above. WTF is up with Europeans and water up the ass?
10 Fecund Chick
Again, I approve. But, ummm, have you tried "Scoreland"? <--NSFW

That's just wrong...just wrong.

He looks far more excited about this than the dog does.

Cross-speciation anyone? Yes, it's Newt Gingrinch's worst nightmare: Man doesn't bite dog, man marries dog....to lift a curse. That is almost Sarah Palinesque.

There is some pain that time cannot heal...

Do they make eye bleach?

This Patrick Swayze-Chippendale-Centaur-Rainbow tattoo is just such a pain. If there is a worse tattoo in existence, I challenge you to find it: from concept to execution to the "dear god, what the fuck IS that?" aesthetic.




*Via Deep Ape's Blog

Some Electric Six this fine morning...

And the lion fell in love with the lame....ummm, lamb.

The pitiful Twilight franchise, singularly responsible for dumbing down an entire generation of adolescent girls, would be much more interesting if it had this level of verisimilitude.

This NEVER grows old either...

Tommy Seebach's rousing "Apache". Behold the molestache, the Swedish Apache maids, the cheesy synth lines, the "ahhahahahahahaaaaa", the perm-mullet, those sexy moves, the white overbite, and the smile...dear god, the smile.

Warning: Goes best with the hallucinogen of your choice.

Do yourself a favor, and go to the Animal Review...now!

The thing is, when you make a species-level decision to go down the herbivore road, you simultaneously choose to broadcast your status as a victim. You are, in essence, putting up a giant billboard in the hunting grounds of carnivorous predators that says in a bold sans-serif font: ‘We eat plants so you don’t have to. Try a herbivore tonight!’

Now, minions, now. This is clearly one of the wittiest, most intelligent and most humorous blogs going. Good news is, he just got a book deal :) That aside, this piece on the porcupine is piss-your-pants funny.