6.16.2010

Best Spam Header Ever...

A la my Gmail account

Of chop no eyelid. Which seakale? Are the thirteenth propitious?



Of chop no eyelid, indeed, and yes, the 13th is propitious for me...and you?




Pic unrelated. But, you know what? It's just that kind of day....




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What goes around, comes around...

A few years ago, a story of my local interest made the international wires when young Birmingham (AL) high schooler, Natalee Holloway, was abducted, murdered and her body dumped somewhere off the shores of Aruba on her vacation.








The perp long suspected of killing her, a Dutch sociopath by the name of Joran Van der Sloot has now been busted in Peru for robbing and strangling to death a local prostitute.  He confessed to that crime, and the speculation is that he has intimated details of Holloway's death and/or the location of her body. One of the incentives the local government has is the threat of the infamous ultra-violent Peruvian prisons of Castro Castro (where he's currently held), and the long-term facility that he'll likely die in, Lurigancho.


Why do I say that he'll likely die there? I didn't...his Peruvian lawyer did.

"The prison (currently housing van der Sloot) is one of the toughest prisons, along with Lurigancho," Griffith says. "I've been in prisons in over two dozen countries. In fact, I was the lawyer for Billy Hayes from the movie 'Midnight Express,' and the Turkish prison is a Ritz-Carlton compared to this. .."I'm not certain," Copeland says, "van der Sloot can do anything to assure himself that he's gonna survive this Peruvian prison system. …




This is his arrival at Castro Castro...




And, this is the Panopticon-style hellhole of Castro Castro...



How bad are these Peruvian prisons (as if the allusions to Midnight Express didn't clue you in)? Here's more from the CBS Story

There's about 10,000 prisoners for 3,000 spaces. This and another prison where he's gonna go afterwards, Lurigancho, has dormitories of about 600 prisoners in each. The showers run once a week for 15 minutes. There's only 12 showers. They're in rooms of about 25-by-15 (feet) with about 35 prisoners. About seven or eight sleep on the floor. There's a hole for a toilet.

"And it's a very, very brutal place." 

"In Lurigancho, you have the Shining Path guerillas. There's about 600 of them. They had a revolt one day, about 124 were killed by the police. When I went to visit a client of mine there, I had to hire two-guards to walk me through the Shining Path guerilla territory. The next day, I thought it would be better if my client visited me in the holding area - in the visiting area. And a prisoner got stabbed ten feet away from me.


 This is part of Lurigancho. You could say it's filthy...





In addition to being overcrowded...




and violent.
 
 
So there you are, Joran, Lurigancha: Your new home. There aren't 17 and 22 year-old girls to bully, here. Instead, there are the most psychopathic and vile that Peru has to offer. Ever heard of the Shining Path? A Peruvian, ultraviolent, ultra-Marxist terrorist group? Ever heard of what they did to people? Like schoolyards of areas the rebels didn't control?



It's wasn't pretty.  Especially with machetes.
 
 
 
 
But, you know what they say? What goes around, comes around. And, in the words of your lawyer, you're a dead man, "If they want to get you in this prison, they'll get you...I'd be very surprised if van der Sloot makes the seven or eight or ten years, whatever he'll get."
 
 
 
 
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Wedsnesday's got everything to hide...

Except for me and my monkey...(h/t to the Beatles for that weirdness). But, some mornings weirdness just won't cut it, and you need a steaming cup of delicious Duncan Hills Coffee.

Now a word from our sponsor...


Do you like coffee?



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6.15.2010

Good lord, how did I miss this?



The UA Athletics Department apparently produced a postseason, pre National Championship video...Hands down, the very best one ever, recapping the 2009 Season. 

As for that little game between Texas and Alabama, how did that turn out?







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Who wanted Touchdown Jesus dead...

He is risen...
...but, I don't think it counts if he's styrofoam...



Above is pictured the largest Jesus depiction in North America, at a church in Monroe, Ohio. Standing 62 feet, with no pedestal, and carved out of foam, overlayed beneath a frame of steel beams. It doesn't look that big does it? I agree, the semis in the front sort of foreshorten the Christ. 

Would you like to see another one? To get the true scope of man's folly here?




Jesus...Lord of the sprinkler system!




However, problems arise when you build a gigantic metal tower, on a flat plain, and then cover it with styrofoam. You can probably predict how this turned out:

A six-story-tall statue of Jesus Christ with his arms raised along a highway was struck by lightning in a thunderstorm Monday night and burned to the ground, police said. The "King of Kings" statue, one of southwest Ohio's most familiar landmarks, had stood since 2004 at the evangelical Solid Rock Church along Interstate 75 in Monroe, just north of Cincinnati.

The lightning strike set the statue ablaze around 11:15 p.m., Monroe police dispatchers said. The sculpture, 62 feet tall and 40 feet wide at the base, showed Jesus from the torso up and was nicknamed Touchdown Jesus because of the way the arms were raised, similar to a referee signaling a touchdown. It was made of plastic foam and fiberglass over a steel frame, which is all that remained early Tuesday.


Of course, some might say that this really isn't a simple matter of science. The devout will probably pin the destruction on Satan. They would be closer than they think, because, I have it on good information and belief that the true culprit is....




Thor, the Norse god of warriors, strength, bravery, and the marshall of the storms!



CINCINNATI (MIDGARD)-  Details are sketchy at this time, but Odin-son, Thor, is believed to be the primary culprit of the destruction of the Monroe, OH "Touchdown" Jesus at this time. Police cite the fact that Mjolnir's hammer-shaped impression was found burned in the side of Jesus' face, and anonymous sources within the police department have stated "Look, it got hit by lightning, there's a big ass hammer print, so we know it wasn't Zeus..."

When contacted at his Asgard home, the surly Aesir chose not comment, although, according to eyewitness accounts, he did get smite-y on fellow deity, Heimdall, for letting mortals cross the Bifrost Bridge. 

Monroe prosecutors are uncertain about jurisdiction at this time, and one assistant in the office said "look, I'm not going to move venue up there...are you nuts? Besides, Thor may be the strongest, but he's in no way even the nastiest of the Aesir.  Hell, he's a good guy. Have you met his dad?!"



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Tuesday, full on in the grind...

...And, plagued by migraines, but that's neither here nor there...




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6.14.2010

Guess who's NOT on the "most peaceful countries" list?

What the fuck are you looking at?


That's right, the good ole' Yew Ess Aiiiieee is, surprisingly not at the top of the list of the world's most peaceful countries. As you'd expect, it's by and large Northern Europe/Scandinavia (they're at the top of every list dammit!). Also, ahead of the U.S. are such idyllic places like Cuba, China, North Korea, and Luxembourg. America is actually 85th.




In all fairness, those "peaceful" countries are just jealous of our ripped abs and our ability to easily access HGH and high quality tanning supplies...


So, the U.S. can be a rugged place. Like that's a fucking surprise. The country was founded by misfits, criminals, Irish/Scot white slaves indentured servants, brutal slave owners, genocide, colonialism,  manifest destiny, and a preternatural ability to drop trou and flash our package at Ye Ole' Europe while blasting the shit out of them with the 2.3 guns every American is obligated to own. 

Just kidding Europe, besides Nazis, we really only do that shit to brown and yellow people. 


 Ignore 400 years of this...



But, perhaps the most interesting, although unsurprising, part of the report is that fact that countries with high atheism are among the most peaceful on the planet. However, countries where the theocrats hold sway, tend to be much much more violent. (P < .001). This is a mind-blowing statistical significance. While correlation in no way equals causation, it is at least something to think about when settling down for a good long retirement. At the very least, it should give you pause when looking at those parts of our own nation where there is a church on every corner...




Kill in my name...Kill! Kill! Kill!!!
Muhahahahaaaa....
 
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Some things you can never unsee....

Regrets. Yes, we all have a few. We do some things that we're ashamed of, and that we want no one to ever, ever find out. If we're lucky, then the worst that happens is we get razzed a bit by our friends, perhaps have some photographic evidence float around for a few weeks/months/years, but -at the end of it all- it turns out for the best, as we learn from our mistakes, and become better people...



 I am so grateful for this learning opportunity...



But, sometimes our darkest moments of shame, stupidity, remorse, poor judgment et al, are so fucked up that we become spectacles, embarassments, and international oddities. Such is the case of Ngurah Alit, an unemployed 18 year old kid in Bali. 



As the Jakarta Globe reported earlier in the day, Ngurah Alit, 18, an unemployed youth from the seaside village of Yeh Embang in Jembrana, was caught stark naked positioned behind the cow in a rice paddy field.

In his defence, Alit admitted to the act of bestiality but claimed the cow, which he believed was a young and beautiful woman, had wooed him with flattering compliments.



 We have that problem in  Nebraska too...



Holy shit?! Fucking a cow? Are you kidding me? The kid's life is obviously ruined...he's an international freak show. But, what happened to the engenue of a cow; the flirty bovine tart who was so clearly trying to get in Alit's pants?


As part of a Pecaruan ritual, a ceremony to cleanse the village of the unholy act of a man mating with a cow, Alit was forced to “marry” the animal.

Alit, however, according to Detik.com, passed out surrounded by locals and police, who were attempting to prevent a number of journalists from covering the spectacle.As part of the ceremony, Alit’s victim and new bride was drowned in ocean. [Only his clothes were thrown into the sea]"


So, let's get this straight. Cow sex is such a problem in Bali that there is an actual, historical ceremony to cure the taint of indecency? That Balinese elders perform cross-species shotgun weddings, a nuptials between man and cow? And then the cow is drowned? While the perv gets his clothes washed?

I'm not sure about you, but I know where I'm not going on vacation.



Sure, Bali is nice and everything, what I love the most is that I can put my dick in a cow...then. my friends, it has become paradise.




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Monday is glad Annie has disappeared...

Look at those dead eyes....


Yes, kids, it's Monday and as we begin to get back into the grind of another (not) so productive week, let's say goodbye to the glass eyes of the taxidermist clan at Lil' Orphan Annie.  After 86 years, no discernible humor, too many movies/plays, and the worst song ever made, Annie exits stage left. Farewell, ridiculous rags to riches speil...



HAHA! Now, it's stuck in your head too...
Yes, I know I am a dick.


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