Saturday overslept...

Enjoy the soporific, narcotic timbre of Queensryche, and have a great weekend.

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Because you just can't have enough Stoya...

Pictures are worth a thousand words...and three or four sticky tissues.

Why, with such a banging body, am I drawn to how cute her hair is?

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This is an all-star of hot goth models: Stoya and Apnea :)

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So, so sexy...And, what I really like, is you can't tell if this is a bathroom or bedroom: Not that I'd be upset with either (see above!)

The lovely Stoya can be found at a variety of different sites, none of which are safe for work, but very fun at home: Gods Girls; Suicide Girls; and Razordolls just to name a few.

Send her my love.

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Wonder Woman: I'm not sure that this is safe for work...

...I am, however, sure that this falls completely into the What The Fuck?! department.


I have nothing against, boobs, Wonder Woman, light BDSM, interracial loving or dirt cartoons, but I'm just not sure if this nonconsensual, digitized Wonder Woman being boob-honked by some pretty racist cartoons.

 Click for full size image...but it will make you a sick bastard.

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The grim profession...

Referring, of course, to law. Besides medicine (and sometimes exceeding our friends at the AMA), there are few jobs as taxing as being an attorney, and few things that implicate the totality of a person's life like the law can. Deprivation of liberty, deprivation of fisc, vindication of rights: It's all a big deal.

Because of this, the law (and lawyers) can be a bit grim, and decidedly cynical. You are dealing, after all, with people, in all of their decidedly fucked up glory and pathos. In that case, then the law is just damned funny.

When emotions run high, what better way to show someone they're a dick than fake an assault...in open court.

What better way to thwart that civil suit than announce, under oath, at the deposition that you're going to lie?

Sometimes lawyers get sued, and are then deposed...It's like losing your "cherry"

You've heard that if you can't afford an attorney, one will be provided for you? You should take the court up on that...It beats faking a heart attack.

This is how NOT to answer a deposition question when you've been busted lying...

And, the CLASSIC deposition fight between in-house counsel, plaintiff's bar and the defense attorney. Everything is bigger in Texas...including the assholes...

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Friday wishes summer would get here...

It feels like autumn or early winter. Speaking of Autumn, Haggard's "Upon Fallen Autumn Leaves" is perhaps one of the best damned songs released in the past few years. I swear, when these guys get their visa status secured, I'm going to see them. Or, perhaps, I'll just have to fly from Hawaii to Germany to see them. It will be money well-spent.

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I felt so good, and tingly, and alive...

Sure, it's homemade, but dammit, this is funny.

Also, tomorrow, be sure to check out the assload of deposition and courtroom foibles the Shadow will have on tap; proving that the law can be uniquely entertaining for its pathos.

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Five Things Canada Should Apologize For...

 Hey buddy, fuck you coming and going.

I'm still pissed at Les Habitants, so, I think it's only fair that I should take a dump on America's Hat. Please know that I love you all, and, as soon as the Blackhawks destroy you in the Stanley Cup Finals, all will be forgiven. In the meanwhile, sorry Leanne, Jackie, Monkey, etc...

1. Pop Punk

While our friends in the great white north didn't invent this genre (nor, for that matter, popularize it), they sure as hell did master it. The result is a tapioca confection of fluff that lacks all aggression associated with punk, and features musicians as generally amiable as Americans are rude. Worse than Celine Dion in its inanity, worse than Hoobastank and Blink 182 in its formulaic anti-music, Canadian Pop Punk is the taint of the contemporary musical world.

If they make brain bleach, now is great time to reach for the jug....

2.  William Shatner

I know that many people disagree with this, but William Shatner is just an abortion of an actor. Some folks make a quick buck, or have their 15 minutes, based upon pure schlock and camp. But, hell, Shatner has made a fifty year career based upon tri-syllabic, hammy, overacted, cheesy horseshit. Doing nothing more than proclaiming that he's a ladykiller, Shatner has made an art and science of cashing in on mediocrity and the incredibly poor tastes of Americans.

Sadly, this fight scene is most authentic thing that Shatner has ever done.

3. Don Cherry

While Shatner has made a career by being god-awful, and Pop Punk has made a career by preying on newly-pubescent girls, Canada's broadcasting "legend" Don Cherry has made a career by A) dressing shitty and loudly, B) and providing sexist, xenophobic, pseudo-nationalistic rants against all other nationalities and persons except Canadian hockey players and Canadian soldiers. Russians? Fuck 'em. Europeans? Fuck 'em. Americans? Dirty slow bastards. Women? Get in the kitchen. Just picking one or two at random, here you go, and, apparently Canadians love it:

Always women, yapping away...

Crazier than a damned sack full of weasels...

4. Alberta, especially its tar sands

What do you get if you take the American out of Wyoming, throw in a shitload of cold, methed-up yokels, and then add the worst ongoing environmental catastrophe in North America? Alberta: Canada's version of a frozen Texas. Alberta is, frankly, nothing but "cowboys", oil workers, and miles upon miles of gas fields and industrial detritus. Two parts Midwest, one part redneck, all asshat. It would figure that given BC's natural beauty, it has to be balanced out by Alberta's give-not-one-shit attitude towards the environment. Think I'm joking? Ever heard of "tar sands"? One of the hardest-to-extract, polluting sources of nasty energy on the planet? Shit, you might as well eat some Spotted Owls during your lunch break at the coal-fired, mountain removal mine.

Unsurprisingly, Alberta also manufactures the environmental nightmare known as Hybrid Batteries.

5. WTF? They're babies!!!

The worst offense of Canada though is its continued slaughter of baby Harp Seals. Harp seals are noted the world-over for being one of the most gentle, trusting, playful, and generally cute animals in the Northern Hemisphere...

If you put "cute" in the dictionary, this is Exhibit A.

These creatures are currently being slaughtered at a rate that would make the American Buffalo blush...last year in Canada 270,000 of these animals were murdered for purely commercial reasons. The "sustainable rate", that is, how many could be killed without adversely impacting the population and reproductive success was 165,000. And, as documented by conservation agencies, over 60,000 pups have been killed this year...just for the fuck of it...They weren't even used for food or fur; their dead bodies were just tossed back into the ocean.

The destruction of the harp seal is the greatest marine extermination in history...and it goes on every year, sanctioned by law, by the nation of Canada.

If you needed just one reason to hate Canada, or require that country to apologize to the world, then this alone is it. Oh Canada....fuck you.

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In the "so good, you'll cry department"...

Guitar World has a video piece entitled "Bet you can't play this". One enterprising YouTuber has compiled some of the very finest ones; ones that are, frankly, so good, you'll weep...I particularly like Chris Broderick (Megadeth) two-handed, five-octave arpeggio riff.

Here's the full version; it deserves it's own 'Tube.

And, remember kids, practice does not make perfect. Perfect Practice makes perfect.

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Your Country is Fucked: Iceland

Iceland: Not just another pretty face...

Icelandic women, however, totally pretty faces...

Velkomin to Ísland (apparently, this is how one says 'welcome' to a mixed-gender group in Iceland). This island nation, about the size of Kentucky, has long remained one of the world's best kept secrets for its natural beauty. And, it's going to have to get by on natural beauty, because, gods know, you can't grow shit here, since less than 1% of the surface is arable land. Iceland, is a relatively mild climactic islandwith plateaus, sandy shorelines, and, as you've probably heard, an active volcano or so. 

Eyjafjallajökull..I'll give you $5 if you pronounce it correctly. BTW: It sounds nothing like it looks.

All of the warm Atlantic Gulf Stream waters, the glaciers on the island, and the volcanic activity produces one of Iceland's chief industries: Tourists boiling themselves alive in geyser waters. And tourism factors heavily in the nation's economy, especially in the capital of Reykjavik, a hotspot for the young, hip and upwardly mobile. Then again, tourism is going to have to float a lot of the economy since the other 40% is dependent on commercial and sustenance fishing.

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This or fishing. Take your pick.

Iceland's history is also fascinating, for a completely reclusive island with an isolated linguistic heritage. Iceland was "discovered" in the age of the great Viking raids, probably around 847 by the Norwegian chieftan, Ingólfur Arnarson. For a couple more centuries (say, about 600-700 years), Danes and Norwegians wintered here during their western voyages to Greenland and Vinland, protected from the notoriously hostile autumn/winter storms in the Atlantic and North Sea. However, since the late 13th century, Norway and Denmark took turns claiming it as part of their respective kingdoms until the island became independent. 

 Hell, it's covered by glaciers, but it's still warmer than Norway! Unpack the boat, lads.

But, for an uber-dork like me, the greatest accomplishment is the Althing, the oldest continuous codification of law in the world. Founded in 930, the Althing is a parliamentary system whereby the laws of the land would be passed, and then, subsequently, read aloud to all of the nation's citizens. Much like our modern system of "notice" and "due process", the Althing left no citizens in the dark as to what the laws were and what behaviors were expected of the settlers. Even more amazingly, this unicameral system of governance still exists as the parliament of Iceland.

Rule of law, bitches.

Despite the continuous peace, the rule of law, the astonishing natural beauty, and the very, very hot women...

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Sorry, I was distracted by the Miss Iceland contest...

...all is not well in paradise. As you're aware, the world is in a toxic economic shitter. Greece is the most recent, America is the most profound, but Iceland's collapse was the one that originally scared the shit out of the global markets. Unemployment is hovering near 9%...still. And, for an isolated island several hundred miles away from the rest of Europe, it's not like the folks can just hop in the longships and go find a new job. Worst -and just like America- the banking system is in a barely-stabilized spiral. And, just like America, the recriminations have begun. In fact, the Icelandic people are so pissed at their bankers, that they are taking no half measures: In addition to suing them, and having hearings at the Althing, today the government started arresting them en masse.

So, isolated culturally, geographically, linguistically, with a fishing and tourist based economy that's taken a serious hit, all coupled with unemployment, inflation and shitty banking, means that -for at least another few years- Iceland is completely fucked.

D

Don't worry, Iceland, you'll always have this...

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See Previously: Yemen, Mongolia, Zimbabwe, Poland II and I, Finland (and Montana!), Japan, Ghana, Dominican Republic, Cyprus, Chile, Slovenia, Vanuatu, and Uzbekistan.



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Oh noez! Down go the flightless, Antarctic birds...

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The only thing that makes Penguins sadder than global warming is losing in the second round of the playoffs.

Alas, and alack, my beloved Penguins lost last night 5-2, to the Montreal Canadiens (Les Habitants), thus losing the series 4 games to 3. It is the first time in 3 years the Pens aren't advancing to the Cup Finals. And I am a very mopey Shadow today.

Montreal, probably celebrating another stupid Penguins turnover that led to an easy goal.

As much as I want to curse Matt Cooke for taking stupid penalties, or Malkin and Crosby for disappearing, for Leopold, Dupuis, Talbot, Kennedy and Staal for going MIA, Gonchar for his tissue-soft defense, I have to give ultimate praise to the Habs who played their ass off: Gill and Subban, who shut down our scoring line; Cammaleri, who was unstoppable; and Halak, who made great save after great save.

Which, of course, brings me to my greatest criticism. Our flaky goalie, Mark-Andre Fleury. This kid is an enigma, and you never know what you're going to get. Are you getting the Game 5 Fleury who stoned everything in his path? Maybe. However, during this series, you were more apt to see the softest, pansiest goals that just squibbled in because of his lack of concentration; including three more last night. 

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Pictured: Wide open Fleury, with a slow-rolling puck that defied physics and got behind him...

 The Vancouver Canucks lamented their shitty goal-tending by posting a Craigslist ad putting Luongo up for sale, I think, with minimal modification, it can be used here:

“Sulking, belligerent and grossly over-rated goaltender who can’t stop a beach ball, seeks new gig... Goalie will play for hair gel and $7.5 million. I will be golfing tomorrow and every day for quite some time. You can still reach me on my hotline: Mark 1-MAF-SUKD.”

Of course, no one accuses Mark of being a bad teammate, or a poison in the locker room, but he was vastly outplayed this series, and, like Tom Barrasso before him, you never know if you'll get brilliance (e.g., enough net-minding to win the Cup), or average, regular season performances. And, in the end, that's just not enough...especially when our best scorers decide that they want to take an entire series off and put too much pressure on MAF to be brilliant.

A young Mark-Andre Fleury prepares for his goalie practice...

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Thursday hopes last night was a bad dream...

The Penguins were not the "First of the Gang to Die", but the way the Penguins went out, they might as well have been. Sigh.

Lost the series 4-3, and the game 5-2. 

Sometimes you just need to get your mope on. Thank God for Morrissey.

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Stoya: Goth Fetish Actress & Model (SFW)

I think the title says it all...Stoya is my current obssession du jour. And, since my Penguins are getting their asses kicked in Game 7 tonight, I thought I'd post a few pics of this smoking hottie from NC.

If lesbian, goth, bondage porn is your thing, she comes highly recommended from my sticky hand me.

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Drooooooollllll.....

 So pretty. I want one for Christmas...

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After teasing you with a blurb about lesbian porn, the least I can do is show you Stoya making out with Apnea.

By the way, if you're at all interested in this type of stuff, I recommend: Suicide Girls (kind of overrated), Burning Angel, AltFetish, Gods Girls, Razor etc...Don't worry, I'll get all link-ish tomorrow. Until then, grab your special sock and hit the old Google Search.

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What asswipes...literally

Proving once again that rich does not mean classy, some douche canoes in the UK have taken waste to a whole new, scatological low.

 God, all this money, and nothing to spend it on. Wait a minute! I've got an idea!!!

Are you sitting down for this one? Ever heard of cashmere? The insanely hard-to-produce sheep's wool that takes an obscene four years to grow and harvest? It's incredibly soft, flexible, warm, only grows a few places in the world, and -as one would expect, holy-hell expensive.

Available for a mere $348 at your local Brooks Brothers...

Not content to bedeck themselves in, what must be admitted is, one of the world's most opulent fabrics, the fine folks at Waitrose have decided that this incredibly versatile and lovely fabric is just as well suited to wipe the ass of the rich.

Yes, you read that right. Cashmere Toilet Paper.

For many years, cashmere has had an exclusive aura surrounding it. Fashion retailers today in London’s swanky Burlington Arcade sell beautiful cashmere sweaters for £300 and even a pair of gloves a pricey £70, so this innovative new product makes cashmere affordable, but none the less exclusive.

Carla Smith buyer for Waitrose comments, “Cashmere provides that stamp of quality to any fashion garment from a designer suit to the finest luxury knitwear. It’s indulgent, it’s stylish and it’s helping provide that extra softness to our new premium bathroom tissue collection.”

In essence, you are now advertising to the world A) you're a wasteful twat, B) you have more money than good sense, C) fabric that could be used to clothe the indigenous people where they fucking grow cashmere is better suited for your ass, and D) your ass is as dainty as a new born baby's tummy. 

Way to go, asswipes.

I'd be pissed if I was the sheep...

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Poor Canucks (poor Monkey): The Jeremiads

For those disinclined to the greatest playoff spectacle on Earth, the Stanley Cup, read no more. Otherwise, enjoy (?) the lamentations of Vancouver...

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What a friggin' meltdown last night by the Vancouver Canucks, the MonkeyGirl's Second City, and her adopted NHL franchise. To call it a choke job, heartless, soft hockey would be not only too easy, but too kind by half.

And the fans, Jesus, they just cemented their status as the NHL's worst...nouveau riche d'bags with no real attachment to the game, much less the team.

Glad to see that the fans also can't hit a wide-open shot.

The meltdowns are in full-scale apocalypse mode this morning:

My thoughts on that beer and the money given to Luongo, what a waste. But now that the Canucks are done Sami Salo can rest his devastated testicles

i live in vancouver, i still remember we were calling out the hawks in first round playoff. I was think what happen if they beat us again. i guess we just got what we deserve. When our "home" team lost all 3 "home" games. I can't find a damn word to express my feeling.  

I'd like to see you stay until the end of that if it was your team. I couldn't even stay in the bar until the end of the 3rd, I got fed up waiting for my server and went straight up to the till so I could get out before the final horn. No words really to describe this right now. I suppose I should be happy that I can spend my evenings on the beach instead of inside watching TV. In every sense except hockey I'm glad I live in Vancouver. 

Call me a bandwagon or not true fan or whatever but I’m done being kicked in the balls rooting for my hapless teams.

Not his fault….SHG. SH f*^king G. I don’t care who is out there in front of him but handling a breakout like that is his goddamn business. My Luongo jersey is moving to a very deep and dark place for a very long time.

My thoughts on who's the biggest goatfucker tonite:

1: Pavol Demitra. You useless bag of no try antiwin
2: Bieksa before that fat cheap shot fuck injured Edler (although he was pretty good after)
3: Luongo for goal 4 and 5. Way to suck the life out of a comeback. Assmonkey
4: Alain Vigneault for not dressing the 7th defenseman knowing salo was half.

Unlike others who attempt to wish our adversaries well – I hope they suffer devastating injuries that ruin the rest of their short (and poorly paid) careers, develop rare and extremely serious diseases for which there is no cure (or at least have many attempts that continually fall short), and ultimately be given ice cream while in the hospital that gives them food poisoning that leads to surgery removing most of their intestines and leaves them with a colostomy bag for the rest of their lives.

Every single fucking season. This team does not elevate their play in the playoffs. Every season. 3 of those goals should not have been let in by Lu. Lu stops those like he is supposed to, and its 2-1. But I can’t even blame him for this loss. If it wasn’t for him it would be 8-1 by now. Ive said it before, and I’ll say it again. This team does not elevate their play during the playoffs. WHY? Is it only to torment me? Wellfed is the only one who showed up to play hockey today. Fuck our lives. Another year down the drain, because highly paid athletes that are supposed to have learned from last year, cannot wake the fuck up and play like they want it.

Maybe it’s the alcohol, maybe it’s the years of this, but I’m no longer depressed. What has happened to me!?

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Always repeat.

 

 Yep, pretty much like this...all series. Here's to next year...

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Wednesday is disgusted with Arizona...

Unless you've been under a rock, you've heard about the absolutely, patently unConstitutional (and unconscionable) actions by Arizona recently. Just like 1990 all over again; this time instead of dissing blacks, the State is asking for Hispanics' papers...just like goddammed Nazi Germany.

Take it away, Chuck.

Do not fuck with the Russians

There are a great many nations that it's perfectly acceptable to screw with: New Zealand, Albania, Switzerland, Canada, and France (obviously). Then, there are others that will swiftly (and sometimes without provocation) completely wreck your shit: Think the United States, India, China and Israel.

Then, there is that one nation that no one wants to piss off: Russia

Seriously, have you ever seen a bear chased off in fear by an American with a pepper mill?

Case in point: Somali Pirates. These bastards have completely wrecked shipping off the Gulf of Aden and the Western Indian Ocean. They are lawless, murderous, and far more terrifying than what we've been led to believe. Contrary to popular opinion, being a pirate in the 3rd world does not include swashbuckling, witty ripostes with corsair kings, or pretty doe-eyed piratesses with great breasts, unblemished skin and all of their perfect, white teeth.

Liar!

One group of pirates, no matter how ferocious, recently seriously screwed the pooch though when they decided to hijack the Russian oil freighter Moscow University. The Russian navy went out to sea, reclaimed the freighter, and then, well....

A group of Somali pirates captured by the Russian navy in the Gulf of Aden and then set free in a boat are most probably dead after failing to reach the shore, a Russian defence source said Tuesday

According to the latest information, the pirates who seized the Moscow University oil tanker failed to reach the shore. Evidently, they have all died," the high-ranking source was quoted as saying by all Russia's official news agencies.

The source said that radio signals from the boat stopped just one hour after it had been set free by the Russian navy. No details were given over the manner in which they could have lost their lives.

Reports have said that after their release the Russian navy put the pirates in a boat some 300 nautical miles offshore, removing all weaponry and navigational equipment from the vessel.

You think you're a bad ass, until the Russian Navy captures you, takes you 300 miles out to sea, strips your boat of navigation, and lets nature take its course...

Was this cruel? Oh, undoubtedly. Some "rights activists" lamented "It would have been more humane to have hung them up from the yardarm". Well, no one ever accused Russia of being humane when it feels she's been wronged. Pres. Medvedev obviously disagreed with this assessment, and in fact ordered that everyone associated with the marooning to get a fucking medal!

 Order of Badassery, First Class

 Hell, even the Somali Ambassador to Russia, Mohammed Handule, is praising the action, stating. "Not one Somali or the government of our country sees Russia as being guilty in this. The Russian military showed they can act effectively so that not one crew member of the captured tanker was hurt...This is the most important thing."


So, yeah, ten Somali citizens were marooned at sea, with no judge or jury, and all have died, and the Somali government's response is "we're cool with that...the most important thing is that no Russians got hurt".

Really, what else were we supposed to say?

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When Physicists Masturbate

Gangsta' for Gravity, yo

Sir Isaac Newton, the apocryphal tale of an apple hitting his head, the First Law, Newtonian theories of Gravity, yada yada yada. While these are facts foisted on most of us at an early age, to physicists, these are superhot life-altering words. So much so, that freakin' rocket scientists at the UK's Royal Society have now planned what is, beyond all doubt, the nerdiest shit you will ever read:

From the UK Telegraph :

[A] section of wood, from the original tree from which the apple fell that inspired Newton’s theory of gravity, is normally held in the Royal Society’s archives.

The tree sample will be accompanied on its trip into space by an image of Sir Isaac, also donated by the Royal Society.

"We’re delighted to take this piece of Sir Isaac Newton’s apple tree to orbit. While it’s up there, it will be experiencing no gravity, so if it had an apple on it, the apple wouldn’t fall...I’m pretty sure that Sir Isaac would have loved to see this, assuming he wasn’t spacesick, as it would have proved his first law of motion to be correct. 

You read that correctly: The Royal Society is taking a piece of bark from Newton's apple tree and are going to shoot it up into space as an homage to Newton's First Law. I want to say that this is cool, etc, but, in reality, this is intellectual masturbation at its finest.  

I am pleased now to show you proof:

Look closely at his screen...are those boobies?

Wait for it...

Nooooooo!!!!!!

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你好, Salut, Hallo, Ciao, おはよう, 안녕하세요, Privet, Hola

Hello, in other words.  Just a quick site update: About 1/2 of my readers come from areas outside of the U.S., and in many locations that don't speak English as a first language.

To that end, I've updated the site with a Google Translation feature. If you look over to the left, just below my lil' Devil, and above the Archive, there is now a feature to translate this site into: Mandarin, French, German, Italian, Japanese, Korean, Russian and Castillian Spanish.

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 All that's required for detente is the removal of clothing.

One day, I'm running off to Kiev, Ukraine. If there is a city with per-capita sexier women, I've yet to see it.

 

Welcome citizens of the world, and feel free to drop me an email anytime you wish: You are also encouraged to send unmarked bills (US currency please, or British pounds), designer drugs, dark beers and slightly-soiled undergarments.




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Why Monty Python will always be cooler than you...

I truly believe that there are no sacred cows. The best way to confront life's uncertainties, or certainties -as the case may be, is to mock them: religion, poverty, classism, medical conditions, racism, sexism, geopolitical strife, evil, inhumanity, crimes, etc...the first step to defusing these little bombs in our midst is to mock them.

Like this...

Bestiality + death = comedy

However, very few people before or since, have made such guileless fun out of our quirks like the guys in Monty Python. When Graham Chapman passed away in 1989, at the too-early age of 48, John Cleese and Eric Idle could have given him a proper, expected send-off. Instead, they eulogized him the way that Chapman deserved, and how we all should go out: smiling through the tears.

See, Death is funny...as long as you look on the bright side of life

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Locks of Love? Psssh...

 All I want for Christmas is a fresh wig...oh, and to not have cancer.*

Everyone is familiar with "Locks of Love", the program whereby people take 5 inches or more of their hair and donate it to wig companies so that chemo patients won't get gawked at (having had lymphoma, and undergone chemo myself, this sucks enough without people staring at you)*.

However, this charitable act is not all that hair is good for. Hair is also adsorbent, meaning that -unlike a sponge which sucks up fluids- hair attracts oils to it. This is particularly awesome for things such as picking up scumbags at the bowling alley, preventing flirtatious behavior during finals, and, uh...cleaning up one of the worst environmental calamities of the modern era.
 

 "Business in the front; party in the back...and eco-warrior all over bitches".

According to the BBC, because the hair is molecularly spiky, oils and other materials naturally cling to it. The hair is thrown in mesh bags, and then creates "booms" which attracts oils. This means that theoretically if you dump enough of it into the Louisiana BP spill, the hair should attract most of the oil to it leaving, I guess, the worlds nastiest, heaviest hairball to clean up. Actually, I wish it were that simple, the true answer is a bit more vile...

But what happens to all the oil-soaked hair? Among the options tried by the charity include feeding the whole mess to worms to break down into fertiliser.

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We just pooped out your $200 cut-n-dye...

Anyway, help out the fragile Gulf ecosystem and check out the BBC article on how to create, and ship, your boom. Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana will thank you, your kids and grandkids will thank you, and, more importantly, we won't have to sic this guy on you...

Cousin It will totally fuck you up...

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*Before you email me telling me I'm going to hell, you should read the next paragraph...

** Seriously, you should think about donating those ratty split ends, if you're reading this...

Tuesday's got a new judge (probably)

Method man - judgment day

Iron Menace | MySpace Video

I plan on hashing through some of Solicitor General Kagan's writings later today (as I did yesterday), and will likely throw in my two cents on her nomination later. Deliberation is required, but, at this juncture, pretty safe to say I'm ambivalent...at best.

Let Method Man hip you to the score, because "Judgment Day" is coming.

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Welcome to Hell: Now serving #666

Ah, to be young, in love, and in the clergy...

Meet Bishop Walter Mixa, head of the Bishopric of Augsburg, Germany. Also, without a doubt, one of the most vile men currently walking the planet. Like many in the Catholic church, Bishop Mixa has become embroiled in the spate of scandals involving fucking pederast priests who can't bully little boys anymore in an interconnected, 21st century  pedophilia allegations.

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 Whew. After that long, hot Latin Mass, I sure could go for a cold one...Hey, Tommy, stick your dick in this ice cream for a few minutes.

Mixa, currently the subject of a buggering investigation, recently took the unusual step of resigning in the midst of the investigation. More oddly, Nosferatur himself, Pope Benedict, accepted the resignation. When pressed about his reasons, Mixa emphatically denied molesting the fucking orphans in his care; rather, he admitted to...get this...beating them and physically abusing them.

This should make you cringe, and, unsurprisingly, it's one of the first images available when you image search "what the fuck".  As a general rule, humans can't abide children being hurt, even accidentally...much less inflicting evil or harm upon them.

Let that sink in for a second...the Bishop denies sexually assaulting children, and, instead, offers as his justification, the simpler time honored defense of "no, I didn't ass-fuck the orphans, I just beat the shit out out of them...

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These are actual orphans in New York. There are many things that go through your mind. But, I'd bet my life you weren't deciding on whether you wanted to give them black eyes or shove your dick in their asses. 

That kind of evil requires a priest.

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Set the wayback machine to Exams

 Get that paper, lawya'

So, this morning, on the Daily 'Tubez, I posted Bone Thugs n' Harmony's First of the Month. That got me thinking about all the various study aids I used, without fail, throughout my life. I can't guarantee that they'll work for you, but they were damned helpful on this end:



High School: I was an absolute fuck-up and ninny in high school. I barely studied, and when I did, I was more often high or half-drunk.

 "Sweet leaf, I love you..."

I

 I was broke and had no taste...Boone's Farm was the staff of life though. Especially Apple and Strawberry Hill,

College: I had a bit better sense in college, and actually paid attention more and/or studied. However, I was also working two or three jobs, double-majoring, double-minoring, and writing two Honors' theses. Needless to say, I was stressed and exhausted...but still broke.

M

Like I said, I was broke. Nevertheless, my college sweetheart and I would knock back a 1/2 case of this vile swill every night, needless to say, my bowels hated me.

Good ole' Dexedrine. If you're tired, and have a 22 hour day ahead of you, roll with some black market speed.

 There is no German music heavier or more intense than the original gangsta' Mozart and his Requiem.

Y

Your mouth does get a little nasty with all that Natty Light, cigarette smoke and speed...throw one of these in the fridge, and drink it all before you pass out.

A pack a night, every night you're studying...Makes a nice side dish with the speed, Natty light and black coffee

Grad School: By grad school, my tastes had improved somewhat, and I had a little more money, so Natty Light was shunted, as was Diet Coke. Not to mention, the stress level increased, and old-school speed just couldn't be on the menu anymore.

She's missing the coconut, but otherwise, yes, this is how you make a delectable Blue Hawaiian. The wussiest drink ever and my secret shame.

D

Here's a secret, unless you're on speed, or really high, Diet Coke is nasty. Diet Dr. Pepper is the schiznit.

A

You'll be stunned to know this, but I'm kind of a squirrelly, fidgety, overwrought Type A: About that time, my panic attacks went Mt. St. Helen's explosive. Enter my new BFF, Klonipin. 

Law School: No one wants to be the Natty Light drinker in law school. But, everyone is still desparately broke (most people, in any event). So, we put on airs and drink shit out of our budget...and a lot of it.

G

Good ole' Beck's Dark; still my favorite mass-produced dark beer. And, my dog. I love dogs, and played with my puppy and munchkin a WHOLE lot to destress.

Klonipin usage damn-near Doubled. These things were like Tic-Tacs for three years!

 Anyone who claims they got mad-laid in law school is a goddamned liar. You're too tired, too stressed, and too disinclined to have a sex drive, much less a sex life. Enter fervent, shameful, glum masturbation as needed.

Bonus: Bar Exam!!!

Trick question. Nothing helps for the bar exam...you can't drink enough, smoke enough, pop enough pills, or fuck enough to help with this monster of a test: The hardest exam administered in America. All you can do is throw on another pot of coffee and cry in the shower.

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