Have to study this weekend...

It's been a pretty light blogging week, as I've been busting my ass here studying for the Hawaii Bar Exam (fortunately, once you've taken one, it seems to come back pretty quickly). And, I just signed my five year contract last night, and will zipping along pretty soon (after a couple of weeks out West to sight see).

I'll be back Monday, but, for now, enjoy some Wolves v. Bears in Yellowstone.

I miss my big, black wolfy puppy :(

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Shadow Q&A: Part One

I get a lot of questions regarding my personal life (because, the internet is fucking creepy), so I thought I'd grace you with the answers to the more frequent queries.



Where are you from, Mr. Shadow?

I was born in North Carolina, just off the reservation, where my family are enrolled, including yours truly. However, my dad was (like all good Southerners) primarily Irish --no offense to my Scot friends in the South. However, I moved when I was young, so I consider my next port of call, the State of Alabama, to truly be my "home state". Although, truth be told, I miss the good eatin' of possum and squirrel back in Appalachia.

 We owe Lynyrd Skynyrd a debt we can never repay...

Wait, you're from the South? Do you have an accent?

Usually only when drunk or trying. In those cases, accent is by and large the educated, Coastal accent of the Carolinas and Virginia. While I am loathe to admit it, I always wanted to have that cool, rolling, drawl of Georgia. I do not have it, so instead I just mock all persons with Yankee or Midwestern accents. Like everything else in my life, I make up for my deficiencies through the ridicule of others.

NOT from Georgia...

Are you attractive?

Shit yes. Imagine Brad Pitt and Ryan Reynolds having gay sex, with Scar Jo watching and talking dirty to Sasha Grey, who's nibbling at Scarlett's sideboob. 

Now, take the sweat from their sodomy and the saliva from the nasty talk and mix it all up to form a perfect body. Then, add one part Einstein-level brilliance to this Adonis, along with the charm and wit of James Bond, the handiness of Bob Villa, and the cuddliness of a Care Bear. Oh, you also need to add a silver tongue and a golden dick...Then you have me: I am that love child.

Thank god, I look like my other dad, and not this poor bastard...

Wow, with all of that going for you, something must be wrong. Are you gay?

Nope. I did kiss my best friend in college once. He was as butch as me, and several inconvenient things happened at once. 1. His stubble freaked me out. 2. My girlfriend was too turned on by it. 3. the resulting manliness explosion made the Battle of Thermopylae look like a Village People concert.

So, I stick to beautiful women, and I very often try to stick to just one at a time...

Drag queen...

Hmmm, you're taken. Too bad. Is there anyone you'd consider for your nuclear holocaust fuck fantasy?

As undeniably hot as Scar Jo is, I fear she'd just lay there, and ruin dimensions given to her by the Gods for the benefit of mankind. Winona Rider is more of the type you take home for dinner with mom (ditto Salma Hayek and Halle Barry). And, Catherine Zeta Jones, well, baby doll, she looks just a bit too high maintenance. So, that leaves me with my current nuclear holocause fuck fantasy. Stoya.

 

Perfect

I see our time is running short, anything you'd like to say in conclusion?

Yes, I do need to go study. But, remember this: Douglas Adams was correct, 42 is the meaning of life, and David Tennant's 10th Doctor Who is, was, and will remain the very best Doctor ever.

Don't blink...

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God, I love the Oatmeal

If you've never been to the Oatmeal, you owe it to yourself to check it out. While only updated every week or so, each post is a pearl of wisdom, wit and juvenile humor that stands alone.

Today's post, for instance, is a quick Flash quiz,

Created by Oatmeal

I really think I could take more than 28 Biebers...

But, there are some alltime classics, such as the "Motherfucking Pterodactyl" and "Zombie Apocalypse".

Go now, minions.

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Friday got up too late...

And, waking up too late, or being rushed (even if artificially) makes me Fucking Hostile.

Pantera concurs...

R.I.P. Darryl

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This week's internet winner...

and the winner is, actually multiple entries: But all feature hockey playing bears...and skating much better than I do.

Bear Playing Hockey - Watch more Funny Videos

Winnnarrrr!!!

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Why cavemen were tougher than you or I...

 Ancient ancestor, looking for a date...

Obviously, our hominid ancestors were much, much tougher than you or I. But, how much tougher? Well, besides being hunted by sabre-toothed cats, hunting mammoths and surviving ice ages, what they ate was, by and large, the diet of supreme badasses.

In a recent story by Nat. Geo, a group of archeologists stumbled across a nearly 2 million year-old kitchen. In this preparation area the scientists discovered, among other things, that the diet of our ancestors included...holy shit, CROCODILES!

The work is based on bones and artifacts from a prehistoric “kitchen” that make up the earliest evidence that humans ate aquatic animals.

Stone tools and the butchered bones of turtles, crocodiles, and fish were found at the 1.95-million-year-old site in northern Kenya. No human bones were found, but the combination of remains suggests early humans used the site specifically to prepare meals.

The next time you grumble about skinning or de-boning a chicken, think about the implications of hunting, catching, killing, then cleaning a fucking crocodile...with rocks.

Scaly, toothsome reptiles...not just for nightmares anymore.

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Dayna Martin: A hippy who needs punching...

Trust me, you'll want to smack her around in about 5 minutes...

Say hello to Dayna Martin, according to her Wiki entry she is " a La Leche League leader, a natural birth educator, an attachment parenting counselor, and a birth doula. She founded The Babywearing Project". That is all just a very long way of saying that she has no discernible job skills and has conned other dirty hippies to pay her for convincing them that they are just as awesome as she is.

But, Martin has gained new fame as the leader of the "Radiocal Unschooling Movement". An offshoot of homeschooling, unschooling (which is apparently legal in New Hampshire), takes the Rousseau model of "free learning" to new, idiotic boundaries...and the children learn nothing, except for what they want to learn. According to the fascinating, if not infuriating, ABC News article,

They live as though school doesn't exist. They're at home all day, but they're not being homeschooled. They're being "unschooled." There are no textbooks, no tests and no formal education at all in their world.

"Just picture life without school. So, maybe a weekend. We wake up, and we have breakfast, and we just start pursuing what we're interested in doing," said Dayna Martin, a mother of four in Madison, N.H.

"I just personally don't believe that humans learn best when they're trying to learn something that somebody else is telling them to," she said.

And she doesn't necessarily think they need to mind their Ps and Qs. Her hands-off approach extends to other areas of the children's lives. The kids are allowed to eat whatever they want -- even pasta with peanut butter sauce -- as long as it is in the house.
What's more, they make their own decisions, and don't have chores or rules. "Because we don't punish, we don't use the term rules," Martin said.

 Oh, you little rapscallions, of course you can have ice cream again, and don't worry about the mess, Mommy will clean it up.

A complete lack of ground rules is Martin's revolution: No rules, no chores, no dietary guidelines, no balanced meals, no schools, no books; I'm sure that makes her childrens' favorite parent, ever, but what about radical unschooling. How do the kids learn?

"I think sometimes people they'll come over and spend time with us, family or friends. They'll ask me, 'How do your kids learn if they're having fun all day?' Like, they so don't equate learning with fun," she said. "Whatever they're interested in, I try to bring as much of that into their life as possible with as many resources as possible."

Okay, learning can be fun. I get that (ever heard of a Montessori, per chance?). And it is child-directed learning (again, ever heard of a Montessori?). But, without books, or fundamental learning skills, are the children actually going to be prepared? Educated? Psssh-ah, says Martin; she said she has "such a present-based mind-set" that she doesn't think about her kids' futures, and that she just wants them to be happy."

 And, you too can fuck up your kids for life....just buy my book.

Seriously, she poo-poos the notion of children learning, having any sort of self-discipline, or any future skills so that they can better their future. For instance, look at this colloquy between Martin and one of her indoctrinees:

"What if they really do need algebra, and I don't teach them algebra or I miss some specific part of something that 's going to help them to learn algebra down the road right now while I'm in the early phases of their life," Berg asked.

"The fears that you have are so normal," Martin said. "Algebra is not something that everybody needs to know. This life is about honoring the fact that we are not all put on the earth to do the same thing in life. ... It is such an individualized education as opposed to a cookie cutter education where kids are kind of, this bucket of knowledge that you pour into kids and they may or may not learn it."

So, there you have it: Honor this life by making the decision to force you your children to be stupid, ill-educated and utterly without any skills or future. Yep. Sounds like selfish hippie shit to me. I know, you're probably thinking that this may be an artsy family, and I'm being too cruel. Because, the kids are probably learning literature, and, in any event, have decent basic skills.

Let's test that assumption, shall we, with this discourse on classic literature:

What happens when the learning becomes more sophisticated and her kids need to be exposed to Shakespeare or Twain or Henry James?

"I think a lot of people might value that more than others. That that is important and it is part of someone's life. I honestly don't remember, yes, although I know their names, I don't remember the details of what I learned in school about the historians," Martin said.

Okay, so literature (or history, for that matter) is not a strong suit with the Martin family...

Besides conflating classic literature with history, and summing it all up as a matter of whether we should "honor" it or not, what about basic math skills. Surely her 10-11 year old munchkin can add, subtract, multiply and divide...all pretty necessary skills, even if the we don't "honor" balancing a checkbook, or being reduced to a blubbering idiot at checkout counters. Let's see how Devin, her oldest, fared:

Martin said her children have picked up adequate reading and math skills without formal instruction. But when we asked Devin a basic multiplication question, he stumbled.

So very, very sad for these children. Raised in a world without the benefit of testing their minds, being exposed to broad-breadth ideas and notions, testing the world of ideas and their place in this world, learning about the myriad of possibilities for their futures. And, all because this selfish, frankly evil, duo of dunderheaded pussies don't have the gumption to grow-the-fuck up and do what's right for their children...even if every waking moment of every day isn't "fun" or being "honored".

Seriously, Dayna, just let wolves raise your children...it will have the same effect and be more honest that your psuedo-intellectual trappings of "honor" and "freedom".

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Thursday dreamt of Decepticons...

In my continuing mission to outdo myself with bizarre dreams, last night had to take the cake. I went to bed early with a migraine, and I suppose the synapses were firing all over the place because I dreamed I was a Decepticon. And, I will tell you this much; transforming from a kick-ass jet into a giant robot hurts.

Here is Lion's classic Transformer's theme song...and a very cool video too, if giant cartoon robots are your thing.

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I created a new blog for you, Stoya

Rather than inundate this site with interminable posts declaring my digital drool for Stoya, I decided to create a whole, brand new blog...just to get Stoya to email me...

Like you blame me...

The humble little endeavour is entitled, creatively enough, Email Me Stoya, and is found here. If your link won't work, the direct address is http://emailmestoya.blogspot.com.

Every day I will post a new picture of, and plea to, Stoya until such time as she shoots me an email. That is my Quixotic quest; join me, won't you?

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Men: Avoid attending childbirth...

It's science...and utterly vile...

The males of you who have attended the birth of a child have learned a couple of valuable lessons: 1. No matter how highly you think of your penis, it's nothing compared to what a woman's body can handle. 2. Seeing a human being in the stirrups, with the fun bits opened like a side of beef, is not beautiful or life affirming, it is horrifying and nauseating...John Carpenter couldn't make up something this disgusting. 3. Your presence isn't really required, and, in all probability, you're just distracting baby mama from the task of squeezing out the little greased horror.

Now, recent research suggests that it may actually be harmful to your parenting down the road...

Dr Ives is working on a treatise named The Moral Habitus of Fatherhood, but let’s not hold that against him, because the rest of what he says makes eminent sense. He describes the dogma of “equal involvement” in childbirth as, “false, modern rhetoric”, and argues that men who feel a sense of duty to become actively involved in pregnancies are left disenchanted and self-doubting as they realise that they can offer little more than passive support to their partners.

In short, he seems to suggest what many a hapless father could have told you: that being a useless spare part in the delivery room whilst your wife and various nurses yell abuse at you for standing in the wrong place is not the ideal start to fatherhood.

So, there you have it...rather than throwing up in your mouth for 12 hours, you should let baby mama do what she's genetically predisposed to do: Give birth. You need to make sure the house is ready, get her comfy for coming home, do the whole protector bit, and, by all means, not look at the grisly sight of an episiotomy-torn vagina.

It's okay to look now...just make sure you avert your eyes when the placenta comes gushing out...

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Rule 34 Dump (Mostly SFW)...

Rule 34 is the internet meme that no matter what depravity can be imagined, there is porn for that subject which exists on the internet. This is closely related to Rule 35, which states that if you cannot find such porn for your Rule 34 search, then you must create it.


Here are some of my favorites from Rule 34....

Closely related to Rule 34 is the proposition that nothing is safe....

I think I just threw up in my mouth...

This fetish started in a healthy child and was never outgrown...

This fetish was started in a molested, disturbed children...and we now call these men "Your honor..."

Winnar!!!

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Grumpy, Grumpy Wednesday

Blah.

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Things you'll regret later in life...

 Aaarrrrggggghhhhhhhhhhh

Sorry, my head is about to absolutely asplode, so I took a much needed break from reality this weekend with some Netflix movies and a lot of diet root beer (I really should just switch to bourbon). With the move to Hawaii, and coordinating cross-country vacay, trying to study for another bar exam, and so forth, I am about as stressed as I've ever been (divorce excepted).

That whining aside, and my being interminably pissed at the IDF and the Likudniks (at home and abroad), I think we need to reflect on regret. And this, my friends, is what you will regret more than anything on this planet...A Sarah Palin Ass-Tattoo....

 But, don't worry, the Marine who mutilated himself with this monstrosity at least has good political reasons for doing so. According to Mr. Lepping "She's the hottest Cougar in the Republican party".

 On second thought, his reasoning is as shitty as his politics.

Now, I devoutly trust that your head has exploded.

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Killing One Human Being is Killing Humanity as a Whole...

No snark, pithiness, or asshole commentary. Seriously, just an excerpt of the Turkish ambassador's speech to the UN Security Counsel yesterday, in the wake of Israel's murderous piracy in international waters. I am just as sick to my stomach as humanly possibly.

The full speech is available at Ankara's paper of record, The Hurriyet Daily:

Mr. President,
I appear before you today as a result of a very sad and tragic occasion where one state member of this august house has committed a serious crime in total disregard of all the values we have vowed to uphold since the establishment of the United Nations system.

I am distraught by the fact that the Israeli Defense Forces stormed a multinational, civilian endeavor carrying humanitarian aid to Gaza in international waters, 72 nautical miles off the coast to be exact, killing and wounding many civilians. This action was uncalled for. Israeli actions constitute a grave breach of international law.

In simpler terms, this is tantamount to banditry and piracy. It is murder conducted by a state. It has no excuses, no justification whatsoever. A nation state that follows this path has lost its legitimacy as a respectful member of the international community.

The multinational civilian flotilla composed of a few ships and a total of around 600 people from 32 countries, carrying humanitarian aid to impoverished Gaza was unlawfully ambushed early today. The sole aim of this civilian mission was to provide much needed relief to the children of occupied Gaza who have been under illegal and inhumane Israeli blockade for years. The ships were hardly a threat to the State of Israel or any other state for that matter. Humanitarian aid was on its way to children who have been stripped of their opportunities to live as children and enjoy all the basic amenities that your and our children take for granted. These children do not know where their next meal is coming from. They either have no shelter or live in extremely deprived conditions. They receive no education; they have no future where they can contribute to a peaceful and stable Palestine and region.

Mr. President,
The ships carry amenities and facilities such as playgrounds that would remind the children of their childhoods. They carry very basic needs like cancer medication and powder milk to enhance child growth and health in the absence of milk proper. The international community has been a witness to this humanitarian tragedy for years, failing to act. And today this is where we are. Today we have observed through live coverage an act of barbarism where provision of humanitarian aid has been punished through aggression in high seas, 72 miles from international waters. Today many humanitarian aid workers return in bodybags. And Israel has blood on its hands. This is not off the coast of Somalia or in the archipelagos of the Far East where piracy is still a phenomenon. This is the Mediterranean where such acts are not the norm. This is where we need common sense. This is where civilization has emerged and flourished and where the Abrahamic religions took root. These are religions that preach peace and teach us to extend our hands when others are in need.

Fuck Israel, fuck the Likud, fuck the bankrupt and immoral occupancy of the West Bank, fuck the immoral and bankrupt blockade, and fuck Washington for coddling this state sponsor of terror and band of pirating, war criminals. Shame on you all.





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Tuesday is teetering on the edge of global war...

So, let's sit back with some popcorn, mock our foolishness, and lament what could have been had the human race not been kidnapped by the idiocy of provincial desert gods three millenia ago...

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