Shadow Q&A: Part One

I get a lot of questions regarding my personal life (because, the internet is fucking creepy), so I thought I'd grace you with the answers to the more frequent queries.



Where are you from, Mr. Shadow?

I was born in North Carolina, just off the reservation, where my family are enrolled, including yours truly. However, my dad was (like all good Southerners) primarily Irish --no offense to my Scot friends in the South. However, I moved when I was young, so I consider my next port of call, the State of Alabama, to truly be my "home state". Although, truth be told, I miss the good eatin' of possum and squirrel back in Appalachia.

 We owe Lynyrd Skynyrd a debt we can never repay...

Wait, you're from the South? Do you have an accent?

Usually only when drunk or trying. In those cases, accent is by and large the educated, Coastal accent of the Carolinas and Virginia. While I am loathe to admit it, I always wanted to have that cool, rolling, drawl of Georgia. I do not have it, so instead I just mock all persons with Yankee or Midwestern accents. Like everything else in my life, I make up for my deficiencies through the ridicule of others.

NOT from Georgia...

Are you attractive?

Shit yes. Imagine Brad Pitt and Ryan Reynolds having gay sex, with Scar Jo watching and talking dirty to Sasha Grey, who's nibbling at Scarlett's sideboob. 

Now, take the sweat from their sodomy and the saliva from the nasty talk and mix it all up to form a perfect body. Then, add one part Einstein-level brilliance to this Adonis, along with the charm and wit of James Bond, the handiness of Bob Villa, and the cuddliness of a Care Bear. Oh, you also need to add a silver tongue and a golden dick...Then you have me: I am that love child.

Thank god, I look like my other dad, and not this poor bastard...

Wow, with all of that going for you, something must be wrong. Are you gay?

Nope. I did kiss my best friend in college once. He was as butch as me, and several inconvenient things happened at once. 1. His stubble freaked me out. 2. My girlfriend was too turned on by it. 3. the resulting manliness explosion made the Battle of Thermopylae look like a Village People concert.

So, I stick to beautiful women, and I very often try to stick to just one at a time...

Drag queen...

Hmmm, you're taken. Too bad. Is there anyone you'd consider for your nuclear holocaust fuck fantasy?

As undeniably hot as Scar Jo is, I fear she'd just lay there, and ruin dimensions given to her by the Gods for the benefit of mankind. Winona Rider is more of the type you take home for dinner with mom (ditto Salma Hayek and Halle Barry). And, Catherine Zeta Jones, well, baby doll, she looks just a bit too high maintenance. So, that leaves me with my current nuclear holocause fuck fantasy. Stoya.

 

Perfect

I see our time is running short, anything you'd like to say in conclusion?

Yes, I do need to go study. But, remember this: Douglas Adams was correct, 42 is the meaning of life, and David Tennant's 10th Doctor Who is, was, and will remain the very best Doctor ever.

Don't blink...

.