Saturday's Three Day Weekend Begins...

I am inherently mistrustful of those who don't like the 80s...What a trainwreck of fashion, music, politics, designer drugs, greed and constant threat of global war.

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Peter Nguyen Strikes Again...and Belgian Beer!

Let's just go ahead and get the Belgium portion of this post out of the way, just as I promised, every post today with feature Beglium/Belgian products...Here are Lambic beers, specifically a "framboise" or raspberry beverage. This is almost better than sex. As much as I love German brewers, Belgium nudges them out as the best in the world.

Yesterday, I posted an epic essay by a Mr. Peter Nguyen (who I devoutly hope is either a published author or a lawyer).  Here is the rest of his published/publishable corpus of essays. What he lacks in rote learning, he certainly makes up for in creativity and an eye for popular culture and modern history.

Young Peter tackles World History, specifically Christopher Columbus...

Our wordsmith intimates that Jesus was really Doctor Who...

Finally, our hero makes it to college, but does not abandon his humor...

Peter, if you're out there, drop me an email, and let me know if you're --as I suspect-- either an attorney or an axe murderer (although, in fairness, these are not mutually exclusive categories).

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Your Country is Fucked: Belgium

National Motto: Don't Forget About Us!!!

Welkom in België (or, for the 40% who speak French, Bienvenue en Belgique), Welcome to Belgium; the land that Europe forgot, and that Americans couldn't point out on a map (although, in fairness, that doesn't say very much, since you'd be hard pressed to find an American who can name the states and their approximate location in his/her own country). To be honest, its location is a bit obscure, nestled on the West-Northwest North Sea coast between France, Germany and the Netherlands: It's really the taint of Western Europe.

If Europe were a frat boy, this would be the Belgian Money Shot...

Belgium is the living, breathing embodiment of American stereotypes of Europe. Seriously, we think of Europe as France, Britain and Germany (if we ever think of the continent at all), and the other nations are just "All Others". Belgium fits an ideal, Platonic exemplar of Euro-otherness: obscure topography; tiny (the size of Maryland); linguistically diverse (two official languages, with a smattering of German thrown in); abandoned monasteries; burned out castles; a Monarchy; lush farmland; densely populated city centers and, dear god, is it flat (highest altitude above sea level is 564 meters). Yes, Belgium has it all!

This is Belgium....

  And this is Belgium....

And this is Belgium...

 And this is Belgium.

Belgium is, like many North Sea nations, a constitutional Monarchy, complete with an heredity head of state, and a national assembly.  But, it wasn't always so stable and peaceful.  At one point in time, Belgium was full of hostile Gallic tribes, notable the Belgae, and the region was called Belgica by the Romans. But, the Romans (thanks Caesar!) conquered all of the Flemish tribes, and the Dutch/Germanic Walloons slowly started moving in from the West and North, culminating in the 5th Century assimilation of the region by Frankish kings (Thanks Charlemagne!). Thereafter, the region was roughly thought of as part of Frankia (when it was thought of at all...most of the big guns were a bit North in Frisia).

See those red lines in the Gallic Empire? Those were  borders, but then became the demarcations of Roman Roads. Guess how the Roads got there? Julius-Fucking-Caesar, that's how...

What came next for the Belgians was roughly a full thousand years of uninterrupted vassal-status. For a millenia (from the 843 Treaty of Verdun until the 1830 Independence), Belgium was divided, united, divided again, and absorbed by various European Overlords: The Franks, the Carolignians, the Holy Roman Empire, Frankia, the Hapsburgs, the French, the Dutch ad nauseum. But in 1830, Belgium bravely said "fuck this", and formed their own current form of government (mainly because no one felt it was worth the trip to crush the Belgians and remind them of their national serfdom).  

 

Actually, that's not true, the Brits actually dissolved the UK-Netherlands, and Belgium skulked off to form a country. It was a different age in Europe then; the Industrial revolution was in full swing, and folks that had been at war for thousands of years decided that it might be better to trade goods than take prisoners. Besides, with about 40 miles of coastline, a flooded coastal plain, and grey, downcast weather, no one really wanted Belgium; occupying it meant that someone would have to live there...Better it be the poor Belgians.

Rarely cited by history textbooks, the First Franco-Nederland War of Apathy erupted when France demanded that the Dutch occupy Belgium. To the outside world, this was a generous offer of treaty; to the knowledgeable observer, it was the biggest "Fuck You" since Martin Luther committed Onanism on the Wittenburg cornerstone...

 

Despite the majestic ruins and idyllic European countryside, Belgium is very much a modern nation. But, that modernity comes at a cost...a substantial one that places it at the whim of Arab oil, and truly fucks Belgium. See, Belgium has absolutely no natural resources whatsoever to sustain its economic engine. This nation of 10 million is the 114th smallest country on the planet, and the 98th least populated. However, 10 million Belgians trying to keep up in the EC/EU economies imports a shitload of oil and gas. Belgium is the 14th largest importer of oil, and the 36th largest importer of natural gas...on the planet. The country's main exports, if you can even call them exports are the excellent beet/sugar root crops, the world-renowned beers (especially Lambics), the phenomenal chocolates, and Jean-Claude Van Damme.

 Seriously, Belgium, you can have this one back....

Worse, 75% of the economy is service driven, and despite a quarter of the land being arable and sustainable, only 2% of the workforce is agricultural. Worse, the population is aging quickly, and public debt is a full 100% of GDP... Hmmm....older workforce, young unemployed heavily indebted, service jobs: where have we seen that before?

With austerity measures on the horizon, the economy being service-driven, an aging workforce, a palpable brain drain of talented young workers, and the pending demise of the pan-European economies, Belgium is facing a fiscal calamity. With its debt, it can't spend its way out of the recession. With a tiny army, and no international hostilities, it can't even take the American route: bomb brown people and let unemployed kids go overseas/get paid slave wages. In fact, the only positive thing going right now is the film In Bruges, which showcases the nation's sleepy beauty, and the fact that the EU has its headquarters in Brussels. All-in-all, not a positive prescription for long-term health.

Sorry Belgium, your country is fucked.

At least your women are a veritable buffet of hues and hotness...you'll always have that.

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Friday has a theme....Belgium

and all things Belgian. I'm not sure why, probably because I watched In Bruges last night. Which if you havent seen, btw, is a bit on the dark side...but funny as hell.

Probably the hardest part about a Belgium Friday was the YouTube. I was surprised (or maybe not) to find that I couldn't immediately name any band from the nation. "Aborted", though, I recognize...

TGIF, world.

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For the tens of people who think homosexuality is a "choice"

I defy you to watch the Ten Minute Tranny's "Little Mermaid" revue and get back to me if you think these men are trying to defy god's will, rebelling against society or in any way being other than who they were and how they were born.

Thanks 

-Rational society

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Walt Whitman; global conquerer....

Hats off to you, Peter Ngyuen...I'll bet you're a lawyer now.

Found on many places, notably Vox.

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Sin is good for you...

These fraulein could have told you that...

BTW: While Der Schatten approves of both breasts and German beers, Spaten is just nasty...Of course, I've never had it in Germany, where I imagine it is significantly better than the piss we get in the States.

For those worried about their mental health and capacity through our lives and into the sunset years, there is especially good news: Alzheimer's can probably be staved off with the help of some items at your local Kroger's. It is doubly good news if you look at a recent Spanish study into the cognitive effects of alcoho:

"Our results suggest a protective effect of alcohol consumption, mostly in non-smokers, and the need to consider interactions between tobacco and alcohol consumption, as well as interactions with gender, when assessing the effects of smoking and/or drinking on the risk of Alzheimer's disease," the study's lead author, Ana M. Garcia, from the University of Valencia's department of preventive medicine and public health, said in a news release.

 Sod off, I'm protectin' me gob...

There is, however, a downside to this research. It seems that the protective powers are especially pronounced among non-smokers. This seems to be completely at odds with a bevy of reports indicating that nicotine benefits Alzheimer's patients, delays onset of the disease, and may actually provide protection against the dementia. So, while beer helps and a smoke helps, a beer and a smoke doesn't help...

Which is a pity really, since a smoke buddies up with a pint as natural as potatoes form a symbiosis with steak. But, like most things in life, it seems you're going to have to forgo one or the other.

Pictured: Not protecting oneself from Alzheimer's, but, greatly enhancing the chances of getting laid...Your call.

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Thursday has to study, study, study...

Of the most miserable, abject moments of this life, I count the Bar Exam among the top two or three. Alas, Hawai'i requires all persons to take their version of this nightmare. And, while it's not much different from any other state, you'd be absolutely amazed at how much useless esoterica you forget after a few years (esoterica, FWIW, that has nothing to do with the actual practice of law).

I think I'll just resume hard drinking...

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The most awesome, Kegel-tastic Cougar ever...

You'll shit when you see it...

Meet 42 year-old Russian housewife and mother, Tatiana Kozhevnikova. Like many women in their 30s and 40s, especially ones that have given birth, Tatiana was bit worried about the --ummm-- tightness and elasticity of her intimate parts. Tatiana, however, said to hell with Kegels, and picked up some super-Kegel/Yoga/Taoist exercise regimen. As a result, she now has the strongest vagina in the world. 

Yes, those are freakin barbells hanging out of her naughty bits...

How strong is this vagina you ask? Well, after years of training, Tatiana's vaginal walls can lift/suspend a mind-blowing 31 pounds...And, even more oddly, Guinness crowned her with a World Record for this feat. Naturally, she has taken this odd foray into 'snapper' extraordinary physical skill and is capitalizing on it...

God bless capitalism, eh Komrade?

Kozheznikova has crafted a workout regiment to tone the core, buttocks, thighs, pelvic floor, and genital walls to improve tightness and give women all over the planet virgin-tight, She-Hulk vaginas. Called, unsurprisingly Intimate Fitness, this is a workout plan that every man in the world can wholly and fully endorse. Hats off Tatiana. Hats off...

Mr. Kozhevnikova: Luckiest man in the world. Here's his wife (tastefully and SFW) setting the world record for super vagina...

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Our long national nightmare is over...

Well, school is releasing children to the wild, but that's not quite what I meant.

Yesterday, as part of a 136-vehicle order for Avis Car Rentals, the last Hummer ever to be manufactured rolled off the assembly line. These environmental catastrophes (the H2 especially) were subject to much deserved criticism, numerous recalls, rollovers, and accidents (gee, I wonder why, when you put a soccer mom in a tank, she might feel invincible). Full story here, at Car Connection.

 C'mon Tad, let's go hop in the suburban tank and get 6 miles per gallon...

The original military Hummer (diesel, natch) had its place and its purpose. However, the commercial model, and it's progeny, the H2 and H3 were just eco-fucking, gas-guzzling monstrosities on a standard Tahoe frame. Americans always have had more money than good sense, and the Hummers' success ix Exhibit 1A in support of that proposition...

Either that, or you have a small penis...

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Wednesday is plagued by nightmares...

Last night's was a doozy too: kidnapped infant, dead children, being lost in those creepy woods from "Blair Witch Project", copperheads chasing me, being stuck in Kansas, hot beer (not making that up).

Oh well, at least bad dreams make you interesting, provided that you can survive them with your mental faculties intact...

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Today's Sexy Nerds: Disney Cosplay

I've touched on Cosplay ladies before (here and here), and, with it being summer and the Comicons gearing up, why not relax with some really dorky, really hot cosplay ladies? This time, with a theme. Yeah Disney! 

But, before we begin, you might want to get the special sock out for this, my favorite Disney Cosplay ever...Dita Von Tease as Snow White (<--Decidedly NSFW).


 

Belle did a very nice job, although I think one good stiff breeze will set Ariel's marine mammaries free...

T

The gang's all here; most impressive, of course, is what Tinkerbell is packing...

 

Snow White seems to be a recurring theme for brunettes, although I don't recall red garters in the film....

Not at all smutty, but elegant, sexy, suggestive and very true to Jasmine...the hair is fantastic. My favorite of the bunch, although hats off to all the ladies expressing their inner-dork (and sewing abilities!).

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The dangers of YouTube...

I love You Tube, in fact, I start every day with a different music video depending on the mood. However, some things just should never, ever be attempted on You Tube.

Like this...in fact, avoid anything that says "how to pick up girls/women"....

 

 

 

 However, of the many things to avoid on YouTube (juggalos, football fan videos, etc), perhaps none take the cake quite like this gentleman in England. Like many people, he wanted to learn a skill, specifically para-sailing. You're probably thinking that it's an expensive sport: you need to find a body of water, take lessons, rent or buy a good sail?

You'd be wrong, you pussy.

He really paid 300 Pounds for a Parasail off of eBay, and then taught himself how to paraglide...by solely watching YouTube videos.

He said: "I should have joined a club and got lessons but I was trying to teach myself and learn from bits I had seen on YouTube."

Mr Dixon, who used to project manage golf course construction before working entirely voluntarily for the Christian charity, added: "The thing you should never do, which I did, was tether it to a solid object.

"I went shooting up in the air, then banged down on the ground. Then I went up again.


"As I was dropping, I was thinking, 'this is serious'.

 And, serious it was...He broke his fucking back. This goes to show you that while Americans have certainly mastered the art of teh stoopid, we have by no means cornered it.

What are you waiting for? YouTube totally wouldn't lie to you...

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The iPad hates books...and fashion sense.

For full disclosure, I am an early adopter of most new gadgets and technology, and, yes, I am one of those Mac people (and have been sense my early days in the arts). However, I do not own an iPhone because I believe your phone should actually be able to receive/make calls, and not just be a portable app device. I do not own a Kindle, because books are organic things, meant to be felt between your fingers, and curled up with on the beach or in the bath (and look hella' cool on a barrister's bookcase).

If you're billing someone $700 an hour, they expect to see books...

And, much like the iPhone (unless it ever comes in a Verizon model), I will likewise probably not own an iPad in the near future. Sure it gets on the internet, but, if you want to go to any site with Flash, you're screwed (like Facebook, for instance). In essence, it is a huge iTouch/Kindle. So, for all the good of Apple, it is clear that the iPad is meant to destroy books.

Now, it is out to destroy fashion as well. An Australian company, hoping to cash in on the latest hipster fad, has come out with clothing to accentuate your douchiness. Because, you never know when at the latest Pitchfork release party, you'll need to whip out your iPad, there are now thoughtfully produced clothing items for you to store your icon to hipness.

The iTee and the iDress...

Let that sink in for a moment...Now, in order to safeguard/show off the iPad that you spent $300 on, these clothes have a reinforced cotton pouch to store/flash your latest consumer gadget. If ever there were a walking advertisement that you should avoid someone, it's this horrific shirt and little black dress.

Besides, you look like a digital marsupial...

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Tuesday's in the Navy Now....

And the Army, the Air Force, Marines and Coast Guard. More in a bit, but enjoy the dulcet tones of the Village People celebrating the end of DADT. Of course, I can't stand watching the village people, so we're going to have to deal with Muppets. Cool with you?

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Hasn't Texas fucked America enough?

Coming to a Texas School District near you....

I don't even know what to make of Texas anymore. It's as though the lessons of Kansas' abortive, god-forsaken, politicized and grossly inaccurate textbooks taught them absolutely nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. We've all read about many of the crass examples of the new, revisionist history being shoved at children, but there is a whoooole cadre of equally silly shit in there too.

Newsweek has a good little article about the 10 silliest changes to the curriculum. If you ever wanted to be depressed, take a read. However, here's a snippet. For instance, American Imperialism is no longer included in the curriculum; instead, children will told it was "American Expansionism". However, when European Nations' expansion is discussed, it's labeled "Imperialism". And, of course, when the discussion of Russia's expansionism crops up, the Texas brain trusts call it "Communist Aggression".

Filthy commie...

Here's a peek, and be sure to read the whole article (here).

4. Currently, Texan students are expected to learn about "the impact of muckrakers and reform leaders" such as Upton Sinclair and W.E.B. DuBois. McLeroy instead wants students to "contrast the tone" of such people "versus the optimism of immigrants including Jean Pierre Godet as told in Thomas Kinkade's The Spirit of America." Kinkade is the schlocky, sentimental painter popular in malls everywhere.

6. Some of the changes aren't political; they're just random. Thanks to a successful lobbying effort by a Republican from suburban Houston, Texas textbooks will now include a reference to 1920s singer and composer Julius Bledsoe. "How could any of us forget his rendition of 'Old Man River' in Showboat?" Cargill said.

 Fuck you, Texas...Right in the ear

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Tasteless Part One: Some of my favorite things...

Back when I was a'courting, I thought I'd introduce a lady to my brand of humor; raunchy, tasteless, dead babies, jokes invoking every sort of -ism imaginable because I think we all need to laugh at ourselves (or others, if you're just feeling cruel). So, as we would IM one another during law school classes, at night, drankin', etc., I'd send her some kick-ass (imho) pics.

Here is the first part of this tasteless dump.

We can all get behind the proper way to squelch the squawking of the babes...

The look on this kiddo's face is priceless; everyone loves the chest-burster alien...

Too soon?

This undoubtedly will be the cover shot for the new Texas Science/Social Studies textbook...

Bwahahahahahaaaaaaa.....

God bless the internet...

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Your teeth are not tough...

 Bobby Clarke; Philadelphia Flyers great, Hall of Famer, Stanley Cup winner, and poster child for all toothless hockey players throughout the ages.

We mythologize about how tough hockey players are, and the toothless hockey player has become iconographic in those (largely White, cold) countries where the game is loved. But, dentifrice-be-damned, all of those frozen rubber discs smashing into the mouth at 100 mph takes its toll; mentally and certainly physically.

Ian LaPierre with another day at the office. Bonus points for the New Jersey fans cheering inadvertent violence and a shitload of blood.

Today, Yahoo's hockey blog Puck Daddy linked to an older story from the Globe and Mail about the dental horrors associated with the game. It is a fascinating read, and really goes to show that no matter how tough and manly these guys are, at the end of the day they are human: They fear the pain, they are scared when they get hit in the face, they are in a great deal of pain, and, yes, they regret the sacrifice. The whole article is worth reading, but here are some choice nuggets (emphasis added:

Tkachuk’s injury is an extreme example of the damage that sticks and pucks inflict on players’ mouths, but even minor blows can create a mess. Roughly half of the players in the league are missing at least some teeth, according to team dentists, with those 30 and over more likely to have had restorative work done.

Root canals are common, even for star players. (Tkachuk has had seven.). And because the inner areas of human teeth have the highest density of nerve endings in the body, catastrophic injuries can be more anguishing than broken limbs or torn ligaments. 

As a result, the team dentist is vital, and 19 NHL clubs list one or more on their website. The Chicago Blackhawks have four. On average, dentists have to evaluate a player every two or three games and do significant work about once a month.Some newer arenas even have a small dental suite in them.

Perhaps the busiest dentist in recent years has been the Washington Capitals’ Thomas Lenz, who helped repair former captain Chris Clark’s broken palate bone in 2006 – “it was basically sitting in the back of his throat when I got to him” – in one of the more horrific dental injuries.

All in all, a fascinating, if not painful, story and well worth the read.

I repeat, you are not manly.

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Monday begins the week with a sing-along...

Too bad the Kermit-clone here is singing about the benefits of 'having your papers'. Good ole Jan Brewer, Gov. of Arizona...welcome to George Wallace-level infamy.

Rightfully so.

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