Our species is doomed. DOOMED!

Why today, you may ask?

boobs.
breasts.
tits.
tatas.
teats.

 Gaugin wants to know what's the big deal with breasts?

Whatever you call 'em, they are clearly evil...at least to one deranged nutjob at the National Museum in Washington...

From the Washington Post

Screaming “This is evil,” a woman tried to pull Gauguin’s “Two Tahitian Women” from a gallery wall Friday and banged on the picture’s clear plastic covering, said Pamela Degotardi of New York, who was there.

“She was really pounding it with her fists,” Degotardi said. “It was like this weird surreal scene that one doesn’t expect at the National Gallery.”

Want to see the "EVIL"? Of course you do...It's Gaugin's "Two Tahitian Women", and so clearly trafficks to our base, prurient interests that it has no artistic merit. Whatsoever.

pr0n

There is some good news to the extent that some people (mainly ones visiting museums) don't take kindly to the attempted destruction of an international treasure...

“She was really pounding it with her fists,” Degotardi said. “It was like this weird surreal scene that one doesn’t expect at the National Gallery.”

The woman who allegedly attacked the painting was “immediately restrained and detained” by the museum’s federal protection ser­vices officers, who charged her with destruction of property and attempted theft, Ziska said in a statement.

The painting’s alleged attacker was “tackled by a guy who was visiting the gallery,” Degotardi said. She described him as a social worker from the Bronx.

So, well done Bronx social worker. And, well done to save the painting. As of this writing, no damage has been reported.

...of course that does nothing to diminish the fact that our entire species is well and truly fucked.

h/t Kleph

.d.s 

Thursday is having a helluva weird one...

Not a great one, not a shit one either.

In these moments of exceptional weirdness, only one thing will suffice: The Cramps...

Bikini Girls With Machine Guns...

 Another classic.

.d.s

Help us, Jesus...

Indeed. Indeed.

Good Grief, who let the fucking Wingnuts into the Capital --well, besides the mouthbreathers just elected to the 112th Congress?

-d.s

Wednesday is plagued by nightmares...

Last night's was a doozy too: kidnapped infant, dead children, being lost in those creepy woods from "Blair Witch Project", copperheads chasing me, being stuck in Kansas, hot beer (not making that up).

Oh well, at least bad dreams make you interesting, provided that you can survive them with your mental faculties intact...

.

You do NOT want to be this poor bastard...

P

Meatballs...for no reason, really...

Via the UK's Mirror, comes this cautionary tale about --HOLY HELL-- the worst possible way to fucking kill yourself. Ever.

A window cleaner died after stabbing himself in the groin repeatedly with a jumbo souvenir pencil, an inquest heard.

Jeffrey Burton’s family and friends were baffled by his bizarre death, which was recorded as an open verdict because there was no evidence he was trying to commit suicide.

Mr Burton, 57, was found by police in a blood-soaked room in his house in St Leonards, East Sussex, on September 27.

 The coroner gets extra pain points for this line: “It seems to me that it can’t have been a single stab wound. He seems to have worked on it. The pencil was blunt.”

That's right. He stabbed himself to death. In the balls. With a giant fucking pencil you get at schmaltzy places for souveneirs.

O

Yea, one of THESE...

Chalk this up as the most painful way to die that I could ever imagine. This is the testicular version of staking a vampire, but --owing to the location of the stake-- far, far worst. At least a stake to the heart kills pretty much instantly.

As the Inquest magistrate so blithely, if not wittily, commented: "It’s a mystery to me. If you were choosing to take your own life, that’s not the way you would do it."

Pretty much my reaction to this story...

.

Well, that certainly explains a lot...

 

Probably not bi-polar, just fucking nuts....

Some interesting research has come down the pipe regarding bi-polar and high-acheivement. According to a study by King's College psychologists found that there appears to be two sorts of bi-polar, and over-achievers and the very bright are far more likely to suffer from the disorder than do those in the median of intellect and/or achievement levels:

The findings of a link between the disorder and academic and intellectual performance may explain the association between genius and mania that has long been thought to exist. People with bipolar disorder who are in a manic phase can have exaggerated emotional responses and can be witty, inventive and have high cognitive capabilities. They are also capable of sustained concentration and have high stamina, and so can achieve much more than people without the disorder. 

 

Probably bi-polar AND fucking nuts...

How this study played out, according to the researchers is that

The national cohort study was carried out by scientists from King’s College London's Institute of Psychiatry and the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm, Sweden. The team, led by King’s College senior lecturer in psychiatric epidemiology, Dr James MacCabe, studied the final exam results of all 15-16-year-old pupils attending High Schools in Sweden from 1988 to 1997, and compared them to hospital records of bipolar disorder admissions of patients between the ages of 17 and 31.
They found those with A-grade results were almost four times more likely to be admitted for the condition than average students, even after the findings were controlled for income and education level of the parents. The link was stronger in males than females.

 

 BUT. IT FEELS SO FUCKING GOOOOOOOOD!!!!!

Having had a few instances of --ahem-- increased productivity, Newton's ole' first law does come back to bite you in the ass: Like great cocaine, mind-blowing orgasms, winning the lottery, whatever...the piper always comes around for his pay...Always.

During their elation (manic) periods they may have insomnia, restlessness, racing thoughts, and may have an over-inflated self-esteem. In the depressed stages they may be suicidal. Around 1% of the population suffers from bipolar disorder.

 

Kill me now, fuckers. Do it! Do it!

So, all in all, probably better off to be in the 99% that doesn't suffer from the intense highs and gravity-defying depths...Then again, not as though it can be helped. Besides, psychotic people certainly make the world more interesting, wouldn't you agree?

. 

Worth the trip to Indonesia...

Rule #1 for horror flics...always find a pretty face.

Rule #2...be bloody, and quasi-pornographic.

Hantu Puncak Datang Bulan....That is the name of a film being released throughout Indonesia that has the clerical class completely up in arms. According to the Australian Herald Sun:

"The film is filled with pornography, which indulges the libido and, based on our research, it contains violence," the MUI's Amirsyah Tambunan told Kompas.com."We urge the LSF to use its power to stop the movie from being screened because it could damage the nation's morals."
The trailer for the film, available on YouTube, shows several scenes of young female star Andi Soraya in various stages of undress.
It also shows a man's head being sliced off, a man's head being crushed beneath a car, a man's heart being pulled from his chest and a woman's eye being gouged out with a saw.

Sounds like any ole' American slasher movie doesn't it? Well, it does until you consider Rule #3. be over-the-top. The punchline to this is the plot/translation.... Hantu Puncak Datang Bulan means, hold tight "The Menstruating Ghost of Puncak"...and the "ghosts" are menstrual, bleeding zombies.

 Yes, you read that correctly. The bad guys are zombie tampons.

I don't want to hear shit about how Americans are low-brow with our tastes in the gutter.

I must see this movie. Must. Must.

.

 

Sometimes, you just gotta' take chances...

And that, certainly, is what it seems like I'm embarking upon. Two months out, and I'm trying to decide where to head. My heart is in the South, but my opportunity is in the Islands.  So, I'm keeping my eyes, and my options, open. Nevertheless, there is a very big plunge that needs to be taken, and be taken soon.

Either way, we're gonna' find out if this Icarus has wings that can withstand the sun.

Fuck it...sometimes you gotta' leap to know if you can fly.

Seems legit indeed.

. 

Thursday has been cashed out on surreality

So, um, yea...about yesterday...that was as fucked up as one day should possibly be.  The Shadow's just about cashed out on surreality, which brings us to the criminally underrated Local H, with their rare video for "You High Fivin' Motherfucker"...Obviously, the lyrics are NSFW, but the song is just bizarre...and awesome.

Kinda' like my life...

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Admit it, Canada, y'all are rednecks too...

Our friends in Manitoba have their 'Necks....

The special Eastern Canadian subtype known as the Newfie...

The scary-ass, methheads & roughnecks in Alberta (with Bonus Mullet!!!...

The lovely hick ladies of the Canadian Midwest (a/k/a Saskatchewan)...

The Yukon's version of Piggly Wiggly...

 

 The French-speaking cretins in Quebec...

The larval 'Necks of Ontario...

The shitkickers and douchewads in New Brunswick (with Bonus Mullet!!!)....

The gestational mouth-breathers of British Columbia (with double-bonus Baby Mullet!!!)...

So, see Canada...you're a lot more like us than you admit it: You've got roughly the same educational attainment, the same degree of heavily-armed wood-dwelling recluses, a shit-load of mullets, trashy women, toothless miscreants and country cookin'. This works out well for both of us.

When we come to annex your oil, gas, timber and Megan Fox, we'll fit right in and get along in one big happy redneck family....The way we always should have been.

Just like Tommy & Pam...only hotter...and with a bigger dick

 

If it happens after midnight, I guess she was asking for it...

 That apparently is the logic being employed by Indian MP, Shantaram Naik.

Mr. Naik probably really gets off on the hot, consensual action in "The Accused".

Naik is from the now-infamous Goa region of India, where the international case of 15 year old Scarlett Keeling has put the city on the map. Keeling was an attractive 15 year old Brit touring the area. She was drugged, abducted and raped by a local bartender and one other man, with her body later being found in the river. Even then, it took the Indian government a disgracefully long time to correct the autopsy to indicate that she had died of unnatural causes rather than drowning. Goa is a well-known font of sexual assaults and other tourist attacks, so much so that some governments are warning their citizens to steer clear.

Scarlett Keeling, in happier times.

Naik, responding to the Russian government's concerns that its citizens might not be safe in Goa, came up with the stupefying logic that sexual assaults occuring after midnight are not rape, hell, aren't even a crime.

"An alleged rape of a lady who moves with strangers for days together even beyond middle of the night is to be treated on different footings," said Mr Naik, as opposition MPs shouted their disapproval.

Some things you can't make up...this is one of them.

That's one solution, Mr. Naik...

Scientology lets the evangelizing begin

Crazy Tom Cruise approves of this fund-raising strategy

Oh, L. Ron Hubbard, whence has your little cult of lucre, craziness and cupidity gone? Scientology, in the wake of several well-publicized disasters, has decided that its best bet is to move out of the coffee-shop magazine racks and strip mall spirituality and into the "mainstream"*. So, what could be more mainstream than building new "Ideal Orgs" (e.g., "churches" for Scientology that they want to put in "every community" and "every neighborhood"). The proof, as they say, is in the pudding, in this video disseminated to the faithful begging for money....

That's a lot of crazy ass white people

A note on the verbiage used in this bizarre-ass pitch: "Com Line" is presumably a communication line; "psychs" aren't psychotics that are coming to get them, it's psychologists and psychiatrists; and "clear" is the neophyte stage of a Scientologist's existence, so named because they've shed any gray matter and you can now look clear through their skulls.

I think, in all of this, perhaps the funniest part is to contrast this desparation with Hubbard's own words, as a Gawker commenter rightly points out: 

"When buildings get important to us, for Gods sake, some of you born revolutionists, will you please blow up central headquarters. If someone had put some HE (high explosives) under the Vatican long ago, Catholicism might still be going. Dont get interested in real estate. Dont get interested in the masses of buildings, because thats not important." - L. Ron Hubbard, 31 December 1960 lecture, The Genus of Dianetics and Scientology

 

Xenu is my homeboy.

Well, that's just awkward for everyone: Necrophilia

So, whatchya' doin' tonight? Wanna' head to my place and grab a cold one?

A man in Cincinatti has been charged with Gross Abuse of a Corpse (God, I'd love to know the elements to that offense) after molesting dead women for 16 freakin' years!!! Among his more grisly objects of ardor are two recent Cincy Murder victims:

• Charlene Edwards, 23, also known as Charlene Apling, was strangled to death. Douglas said he had sex with her body Oct. 1, 1991, on the day she died. She was six months pregnant when she was killed by Mark Chambers, in his Avondale home. Chambers originally was charged with murder but accepted a plea bargain and was convicted of voluntary manslaughter and sent to prison for 10-25 years. He was paroled in 2000.

• Angel Hicks, 24, was pushed from a third-story window and died from blunt trauma. Douglas said he had sex with that body Dec. 8, 1991. Tyrone Williams was charged with murder in the case. He was acquitted months later at trial. There was a question whether Hicks was killed or committed suicide.

And, keep in mind, this is a man already serving a 3 year sentence...for schtuppin' a decapitated 19 year old girl. According to police "Douglas was employed for 16 years, from 1976-1992, as a night attendant at the morgue. He told authorities previously that while there, he invited women in and partied with them with drugs and alcohol. He also admitted to having sex with bodies being stored while awaiting autopsies."

Just. Yuck. There may be some victimless crimes, but I'm not sure this counts as one of them....

Fuck My Life...

Awesome website...Trust me, as fucked as my life is, it's not this bad...

Today, my friend had to take my cat who has a tumor to be put down when I wasn't home since I couldn't bare to take him myself. I have two cats. He took the wrong one. FML

Today, I received a list of employee names who were losing their jobs and I had to remove them from the system as I work for IT. I was on the list. That's right. My last responsibility as an employee was removing myself from the system for security reasons. FML

Today, I had a presentation to make before 20+ executives from high up in the business chain. I used a power point to aid in my presentation. About halfway through the power point, my screensaver turned on. It was an animated picture of boobs rubbing against a soapy car windshield. FML

Today, I got pulled over heading home from college. My car was full of my stuff from moving out and I couldn't reach the glove box. I told the cop this, and asked if he wanted me to go around to the passenger side to get my paperwork. He agreed. When I got out of the car he pepper sprayed me. FML

Today is the five year anniversery of my father's death. I was cuddling with my boyfriend and crying about how much I missed him. He replied with, "Sometimes, I think you just like to hear yourself talk." FML

Who's being audited? Correct!

I'm being audited. Hence, I will be a nutjob until about Tuesday morning. Excuse real life as she rudely intrudes on me, yet again..."Jane, you slut".

F'ed up dreams....Sex and Zombies

If you think this pistol-shaped barbecue grill is random, you should visit my head.

So, I had this bizarre dream. In it, there were zombies, French society-ladies-for-sale, exes, axes, blood and my job...and some of the people from work were zombies, and some were the ladies of the night, and some people from work were axe-wielding friends-turned-zombies, and some exes were both...

Zombies...ugh

Blondes in French maid outfits? Much better

Just. Fucked. Up.

Nightmare Fuel

Yeah, kind of like that...only not as funny.*

From the age of about 4 until the present, I've always had nightmares: fantastical beasts, death, isolation, betrayal, treachery, blood and memories, my worst fears turned into the fabric of the night. As I've gotten older their frequency has diminished. Nevertheless, when one does come, it is guaranteed to rattle me for days, and sleep becomes an unwanted physiological need.


*Pic via Eat Liver

Real life on a Saturday? Damnit!

Something about Midwestern architecture just does it for me.

Reality is going to kick me in teh teef again today. Suxxors! As I go look for new digs and find the best shelter for my budget, I leave you with this disturbing image.

I have to quit smoking...Part One

Van Gogh wants to bum a smoke...and some earmuffs.

I have to quit smoking because:

I had to take a brief sojourn to the E.R. yesterday for crushing pain (long story, scant typing skills, but for an overview add a hernia to this). After the interminable blood panels, CT scans etc, I was waiting for the surgeon to show up with news of a possible ruptured appendix (didn't happen, thank god).

But the only things I could think were A) I need to call my daughter before I go under, B) Oh, shit, I don't have time or money for this, C) Shit, how is the Monkey Girl going to study for her exam in the hospital and D) Fuck, I really really need a cigarette. I wish I could rank order them...The fact that I can't do that alone tells me that now, more than ever, I need to try to quit....again.

Eat Mor Chikn, MF'ers

I dare you not to laugh at a guy in a Chik-Fil-A Cow suit getting his ass kicked.

*Via EDSBS