I'm done with yogurt...and so are you.

 Oh, just the act of physically swallowing.

No reason. None whatsoever.

Der Schatten has long been put off mayonnaise. Now, it seems, that I must be done with yogurt.

According to the Smoking Gun,

A 28-year-old victim was shopping with her daughter in the store’s cereal aisle when she was approached by Garcia, who worked in the store’s dairy department. After accepting Garcia’s offer of a yogurt sample, the woman immediately thought the sample tasted “gross and disgusting” and, cops reported, “said it tasted like ‘semen.’”


In a handwritten statement, the woman said, “I spit it out on the floor many times cuz I was upset.” The woman recalled that when she talked to manager Catherine Flores, “she told me was a Greek yoghurt. People love it has lot of protein on it.”

The woman paid for her groceries and returned home, where she told her boyfriend about the incident. She told of how Garcia had “just come with one sample just for me,” and that “he was so pushy to tell me how taste it.” The woman and her boyfriend eventually returned to the market, where they summoned police.

I wish I were kidding. A woman is approached by a dirty hippie in a Farmer's Market, with a puddle of goo and told "eat it" "eat it". And, she does. Despite the fact she has no idea what it is (beyond what's she told), that the guy only has one sample (pardon the pun), and that she's in front of her daughter, and is meant to be a role model of positive, responsible behavior.

So, what does she do?

She eats the shit, naturally.

As much as I wish ill on any psychopathic asshat that does this to folks, you have to think that deep down, way in our visceral past, that people like this --the ones that ate the strange mushrooms-- were the very ones that didn't live to reproduce and spread stupidity genes. Ah, the modern society, thwarting Darwinism for 160 years, eh?

Anyway, if you'd like some horrifying reading materials, please check out the pdf (also from Smoking Gun), of the complaint sworn out to form the basis of the warrant. Disgusting.

Enjoy your Taco Bell "queso"

-d.s.

"Vampyre," "Satanist", Rebublican...

One of these things is not like the other....

Then again, maybe so.

Just when I have renewed faith in humanity, we get the story of Jonathan Tepes Sharkey "The Impaler". A crytpo-"vampyre" and admitted "Satanist", you gotta' admit, he doubles his selfish douche factor right there. If there were any doubt about emotionally stunted, emotionally 15 year-olds, then "satanists" and people who truly believe that they can partake of the sanguine arts are right up there.

Yep, seems mature to me.

I usually have no problem with people who want to run around and claim they are actually vampires (correct spelling, yo), claiming that they are acolytes of Hecate, She of the Three Ways, and profess their love for the primal selfishness and inner id within (talkin' to you, "satanists"). However, when they interject themselves into our lives and the public sphere, then we've got beef.

Specifically, Mr. Sharky (no, I'm not calling you the 'fucking impaler'...Nicknames have to be earned, not self-selected, twaddle merchant), is running for President of these United States.

Oh, yes, you heard me correct.

As you'd expect from a self-centered, megalomaniac, Mr. Sharkey is, of course, a Republican. However, given his alleged "Satanism", I'd definitely think Libertarian would be right up his alley. What, then, does someone who professes his love of wrasslin', blood-drinking, and impalement base his platform upon?

Well, let's say that he's certainly not soft on crime.

“‘Certain criminals, instead of being put in jail, they should be brutally tortured and impaled,’ said Sharkey. ‘Upon them being found guilty of their crimes I’ll beat them, torture them, dismember them and decapitate them.’

 

Interesting position for a man to take who's been imprisoned, ran out of jurisdictions and the like for statutory sexual relationships that verge on the pedophilic...

Sharkey has drawn jail time, probation, and controversy over the years for his relationships with women—and the legal system of numerous states, as we've recently reported. "Let's just say I prefer to sink my fangs into younger women," he told us. And his recent YouTube proposal has touched a nerve.

Where I come from, Sharkey, pedophiles are the ones who get tortured, castigated and murdered...even in prison. When a rapist or serial murderer considers your ilk beneath contempt, time to re-evaluate.

Suffice it to say, I'm not at all impressed by a dumpy, balding, egomaniacal scumbucket who preys on 16 year old girls, and -in all other respects- shapes his other decisions for shameless self-promotion of deluded schlock and juvenile trash. It takes damn more than self-serving motivation and half-assed literacy to run for anything other than a 5K.

And, the worst part about this is that true practitioners of alternative faiths, and those with a fashionista towards Dark Victorian and Romanti-goths will be ultimately tarnished by this. Hell, even Anton LaVey is rolling over in his grave right now: Anton was banging Jayne Mansfield and this twat is exploiting children? In all respects this a lose-lose proposition.

So, no, Mr. Sharkey, you're unfit for civil society, unfit to lead, and unfit to be trusted beyond the boundaries of your imminent ankle-collar.

Truth is a bitch.

So, ummm, no. Not voting for ya'.

 

I Get Mail: Nun Edition...

On top of my Russian Brides (who still won't call me back), and requests for mundane legal services (from persons who I believe lack legal capacity to contract), I also get mail from nuns...

Shit, I wish....

This one sounds totally on the up and up....

Dearest in Christ, Greetings in the name of our Lord; I am Sister Mary Johnson an ageing widow suffering from long time illness. I am currently admitted in a private hospital here in Abidjan the capital city of Cote D'Ivoire. I have some funds I inherited from my late loving husband Late Mr. Patrick Johnson, the sum of US$10.500, 000.00 which he deposited in a Bank here and I need a very honest and God fearing Christian that can use this funds for God's work and 25% out of the total funds will be for your compensation for doing this work of God. I found your email address from the internet and decided to contact you. Please if you would be able to use these funds for the Lord's work kindly reply immediately so that i will give you the contact of the bank where the money is deposited. Yours Sister in the Lord, Sister Mary Johnson.

Well, hell, this was just a bad read all the way around.

1. I'm not a Christian
2. I'm not god-fearing (except for Loki, with whom I have an abiding respect and non-intervention pact)
3. I do not live in a country where funds are expressed with decimals
4. I do not do the Lord's work
5. I do not trust anything out of the Ivory Coast
6. Shouldn't a nun be able to get healing from either a catholic hospital, catholic charity, or --you know-- pray.
7. Ageing widows are the way widows are preferred; young widows are sadder (and usually hotter); and, finally,
8. I am mistrustful of the clergy generally, and nuns specifically.

And, since they watch me sleep, you can't blame me either...

-d.s.

Jane Austen, how do I hate thee...

Jane Austen perpetuates the Fee Tail to our children (think of the little girls, won't you); her notion of romance is roughly analogous to a tepid Cleveland Steamer; everyone hovers in/around the petty gentry class and the landed polite society....and Mr. Darcy needs a good cockpunching. Just to make me feel better.

Now, that said, for just one moment, let's get raw: Let's have some Austen with a set of "Thatchers" shall we?"

Jane Austen Fight Club

-d.s.

Toilet Paper Dispenser goes "nom nom nom"

 Bloodthirsty toilets are just one of the things to fear when going to the potty

The legal standard may be technically correct, e.g., whether a duty of care was breached is a factual question, yet, the case is still ridiculous. The Court can always declare that there was no duty of care here (trust me, when I "clerked --i.e., was a shadow judge-- that is exactly what happened with ridiculous cases).

In any event...

Via the AP

A Michigan woman says she can't work or crochet and her bowling game has suffered since her right hand was broken by a toilet paper dispenser in a restaurant bathroom.

The Michigan Supreme Court, in a 4-3 order, has refused to throw out Sheri Schooley's lawsuit against Texas Roadhouse in suburban Detroit.

***

Schooley, 58, acknowledged it's a "bizarre story." She and her husband were out for dinner on New Year's Eve 2007 when she visited the restroom.

"I reached and the cover of the toilet paper dispenser fell down on my hand," the South Rockwood woman told The Associated Press on Monday. "It looked like the dispenser was up but it wasn't latched. At first I thought I was all right. I thought it was just bruised."

But the pain didn't fade, she said, and her husband had to cut her steak. When Schooley returned to work, she couldn't use a stapler. Diagnosis: broken bone.

***

Which is a shame; because this would be fucking epic...

 

"It is not for this court but rather for a jury to decide if the dispenser that harmed her constituted a dangerous condition," she said.

The court's three conservative justices said the liberal majority was overreaching. In a biting dissent, Justice Stephen Markman noted that the restroom was checked for wet floors and other obvious problems every 15 to 30 minutes.

Texas Roadhouse "apparently also had a legal duty to inspect for hazards that could not reasonably have been anticipated, such as a toilet paper dispenser opening unexpectedly," Markman wrote sarcastically.

Both sides have a point; however, I think this "duty" is a bit tenuous -- unless we're getting to status of persons on land, which seems to not be part of the case. Anyway, it's going to jury, where 12 people in Detroit get to decide whether or not a restaurant has the legal obligation to stop people from putting their hands into the feeding mechanism of toilet paper dispensers.


Where's directed verdict when you need one?

-d.s

The Feds are tracking you...in real time.

Without a warrant.

The DOJ, without a warrant or court order, have been utilizing a system known as "hotwatches" to track individuals of interest. The only time, upon administrative approval of this domestic spying, that a court is involved is not to safeguard the privacy interests of American citizens, but to issue a gag order to the Banks and Credit Card issuers for non-disclosure.

Really, I shouldn't be surprised at this point.

 

Check out the DOJ presentation obtained through FOIA requests by privacy advocate Christopher Soghoian


DOJ powerpoint presentation on Hotwatch surveillance orders of credit card transactions    


Lest anyone think the damages wrought by the Bush Administration (and sadly, still continued by the Obama administration) simply don't affect anyone but foreigners and terrorists, let this be a warning to you. Our civil liberties have been eroded so terribly over the past decade, that we may never fully get them back. And, don't count on courts to help you either; the federal courts have turned into one huge rubber-stamp for the creeping surveillance society that is a very real threat to us all. Police state? Not yet. Getting there? Bet your ass, we are.

Remember when the boys in blue were your neighbors and "protected and served", and were not militarized thugs who treated every citizen as a potential enemy.

-d.s.

Felix Ortiz: Missing a brain...and taste buds

NY State Assemblyman, Feliz Ortiz

Not pictured, his head up his ass...

This may be the most asinine thing I've ever read in my life. The above gentleman, NY legislator, Feliz Ortiz, has proposed a bill to...ban salt. Via the NY Daily News:

"No owner or operator of a restaurant in this state shall use salt in any form in the preparation of any food," the bill reads....violators would be smacked with a $1,000 fine for every salty dish.

Nom nom nom, motherfucker...this is all kinds of salted.

Seems to make perfect sense to me...the absolute cuisine capital of the United States is New York, noted throughout the world as one of the premier destinations for gourmet goodness, and Ortiz wants to ban salt? In an economic death-spiral, where tourism and dining are one of the few things still robust in the economy.

Like I said sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Pictured: Ortiz while crafting this proposed bill.

.

Speaking of awkward...sometimes you're just better off adopted...

Really, just a big teddy bear.

Meet Mr. Matthew Roberts. While Matt looks fierce enough, this 41 year old DJ is both a vegan and pacifist.  Matt is adopted. And, like so many other kids of adoption, Matt sought out his real parents. First he found mom, and mom told him that a long time ago she met a "hobo" she was entranced by....and that it really was in his best interest to leave it be.

Still being curious, Matt kept poking around, and then found his dad. Pops is currently serving time (life, to be precise) in San Quentin. No fun. Matt then found out who dad was....

HOLY SHIT!

Yes, the super laid back, but intense looking Matthew is the natural son of none other than holy-shit-Charles-Manson. While this apparently freaked out Matthew (and still does), he thought about the decision for five years, and then --get this-- wrote his dad in prison. Dad wrote back in his typical Manson style....

 

 

Looks like perfectly sane prose to me...

Now, Charlie is writing Matthew regularly...ten times, thus far. Which brings me to the obvious statement: sometimes closed adoption records exist for a damned good reason. Particularly if dad is a mass murderer with a proclivity to --ahem-- writing in a variety of medium.

S

Sorry. Couldn't resist...

Just fuck all of creepy, incestuous Missouri...and Mormons.

Missouri, again, Der Schatten invites your entire State to go drown itself.

As documented earlier, Missouri is the second worst state in the Union, behind only South Dakota. Well, just when I think that I can sleep at night knowing that South Dakota is the most God-forsaken shithole on the Continent, you get horrifying shit like this nightmare fuel....

A father and his four middle-aged sons shuffled across a Lafayette County courtroom floor this morning to hear charges read against them — a string of incestuous outrages allegedly committed decades ago against children of their family.

Sound like regular Mizzou trash to you? Me too, until I got the horrifying details in the KC Star....

The men were arrested Tuesday in coordinated raids, based on allegations of a young woman, who said her relatives had molested and had sex with her and other children, sometimes as part of “marriage” rituals, beginning two decades ago. Now 26, she said the abuse had begun when she was five and had ended only after she was forced to have an abortion at age 11.

Image (c) KC Star

Seriously. Take a second and read that again: 'Marriages' to five (5) year old girls....who are raped in a chicken coop....until they are forced to have abortions....at eleven. Fuck.  If you can stomach the read, it's here, otherwise, suffice it to say, that po po are looking for bodies now. And, if you grieve for these little girls, then you can take no solace in two facts. First, to dispel the horrific abuse they endured, they were encouraged by the adults to bury their memories in jars...Second, this was (surprise!!!)  Mormon shit.

Are you surprised that people who wear this shit might have fucking unhealthy sexual hang-ups?

Mormon horseshit is a ghoulish, racist, pedophilic mysogyny akin to a "religion" about as much as the Fleshlight is to a legitimate vagina.

Until then, Missouri and Mormons, fuck you...you win.

Mormon Missouri Orgy.

 
 

I am becoming a shut-in...

My nest, my nest, in all the world, my nest is best.

Ugh. I see how agoraphobia starts now...it begins with wanting to stay hidden inside, for one reason or another (and, in my case, it's shame), then it turns into anxiety, then fear, then phobic/panic. I've always been a bit reclusive with my time (or, I have since I've gotten a little older), and I've never gone past the shame stage, and I probably never will.

Just suffice it say, that I understand now.

o noes

You know, because they're the EXACT SAME

Worldclass fuckface Glenn Beck shamelessly exploiting 9/11 for, of all things, opposition to Health Care Reform. WTF? Truly a deranged, debased peice of shit here, people.

There are such things as stupid questions: Sausage Fingers

What? It was just a question?!

Yahoo Answers can lay claim to single-handedly taking the concept of Jeeves' Ask and turning it into a bastion of perversity, mild retardation and sometimes just downright creepiness. Of course, these things can be amusing if done correctly: The below submission is one such instance. (click to John Holmes the image).

This is why IPs are logged...

Speaking of molesters, and those who deservedly should rot in hell and/or be eviscerated by a pack of wild dogs. This little item comes to us from Indianapolis (and the Most Boring Blog in the World):

CARLISLE, Ind. — An inmate serving life in prison for molesting and killing 10-year-old Katie Collman is now the subject of an investigation into how he ended up with the tattoo “Katie’s Revenge” emblazoned across his forehead *  *   *

Stockelman was sentenced to life in prison after pleading guilty to abducting, molesting and killing Katlyn “Katie” Collman. The Crothersville girl was missing for five days before her body was found Jan. 30, 2005, in a creek about 15 miles from her Southern Indiana home.

Although prison officials did not comment on how Stockelman got the tattoo, Collman’s father, John Neace, believes it was the work of inmates. “If I had to guess, I’d say it’s a statement from the inmates,” he said Wednesday.

Let me begin my telling you that I worked in the courts and justice system of one of the most humane, fair states in the nation.  One, like Indiana, that does not have the death penalty. And, this is absolutely what happens to child molesting, murderous creepers in prisons all over the country, whether they're awaiting the death sentence or not: It doesn't matter the age, race, sex or geographic origin of the perpetrator or the prison population, if you harm a child, then you spend your remaining existence being raped, tortured, sodomized, dominated, beaten and --if there is a God-- dying a painful, protracted death involving sexual humiliation.

Yes, the guards knew this was happening. No, they're not breaking it up, and, fuck no, Amnesty is not burning candles for your ass...

Here's the secret: EVERYONE knew this was coming. Judges know it's going to happen, the prosecutors know it's going to happen, the defense attorneys know it's going to happen, the warden and guards know it's going to happen...no one just gives much of a shit, and no one is going to interrupt the social order and pack dominance displays either. This Lord of the Flies, anarchic violence suits everyone just fine if you molest, harm and/or kill a kid. And that's just the way it's always been, and no "civilizing" force on this planet can (or should) interrupt it.*

* Yes, I have a child.

Two Words Why France is Hated: Free Running.

Free Running*, or Parkour**,  is some new urban hipster shit whereby people take vast quantities of uppers and spas out. They half-jog, half-trot, jump up and down off guard rails, literally bounce off the walls, and otherwise are in the mental state that you'd expect from the poser, disaffected class that passes for chic these days...then they call it "sport" and subject us to it on G4....

There are two prerequisites for Free Running: 1. be too broke to own a skateboard like a proper hoodlum, and 2. listen to shitty noise which passes as punk these days.

Of course, others are a bit more balanced in their description of this utterly ridiculous fad. In fact, if you want to learn how to get started acting like a semi-acrobatic epileptic, then WikiHow is your place....

So you want to get started in Parkour or Free running. The videos are out there... people doing insane jumps between buildings, over railings and through cities. These trained experts are probably practicing either parkour or free running. Parkour is a form of movement that stresses efficiency and speed. The point is to to get from spot A to spot B as quickly and efficiently as possible. Free Running is similar but it also involves aesthetic movements such as flips, spins, and many other forms of 'flair' (traceurs, practitioners of parkour, usually frown upon movement "wasted" on aesthetics). Also, Free Runners usually don't have a set path.

Remember, kids, Free Runners don't have a set path, because purposeful motion kills your buzz and is an affront to the whole concept of being an idle loser.

Again, France...this is why people in the productive part of the Western world hate you. Those of us in the part of the world not noted for being surrender monkeys just say "what the fuck is wrong with you people."





*Or, if you're really a pretentious douche, Parkour.
** Did I mention that's really, really lame..."The art of motion"? Le Ghey.

Oprah Winfrey: High Priestess of American Paganism

Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Iowa. Just as I was lauding you, you produce this toolbox.
Yes, I get it...you like Iowa State and KFC, but Oprah? Nope.

How to spot a douchebag in a few easy steps...Part One

1. Knowing the words to, owning, having been in attendance, hummed along to, or otherwise defiled themselves with anything related to Creed.

2. TruckNutz...yes, steel testicles descending from one's truck to indicate what a "man" they are.

3. Oakleys. No one looks cool in them, but it's a sure bet that douchebags invariably think they do.

4. Grown men that go to Hooters. Douchey in extremis and painfully pitiful.

5. White jeans. Unless you're a woman and a runway model, then you are a douche for wearing these.

6. Ah, courtesy of Hot Chicks with Douchebags, meet the "Fung"...a 'roid mutant, fake-baker, with bad spiked hair, purple lips and a carmex fetish. 100% douche.

7. Soul Patches. Just say no to this abortion of facial hair, douchebags. (note: often goes well with Creed ownership and/or White Jeans).

8. Grown damn men in football jerseys. If you're not on contract, ditch this...it's weak, pitiful and douchey. We get it, Douchebag, you like your team.

9. Poppin' the Collar. This Reaganite abomination is back. Luckily for us, as hideous as it is t view, it is just as easy to spot the douchebags.

I've een very few lawsuits without merit...until this one

Sir, you are a raging vag. A worthless douche. Good thing I haven't uploaded, from my own end-use, a name to this player, otherwise Sam Keller might name me in his suit.

Jesus H Christ.* So, this pussy Nebraskan decides to sue EA Sports for "exploiting" the names and likenesses of the active student-athletes in their games. How does that work? Well, apparently, according to NCAA by laws, persons cannot profit off of active students. Makes sense. Where does EA come into this class-fuckin-action? Good question, this is how...per the complaint:

Though names are not visible on player jerseys in the video games, the lawsuit contends EA Sports "intentionally circumvents the prohibitions on utilizing student-athletes' names by allowing gamers to upload entire rosters, which include players' names and other information, directly into the game in a matter of seconds.

Hmmm. So, because ELU (end license users) can *gasp* change the names of the generic players to the current roster (whenever that might be) and *gasp* decide how to tweak the generic players, this is somehow a matter of EA's naughty behavior? WTF? Sorry, I can't even deal with this right now...the legal stupidity, the cupidity and the derogation of all sanity here has me at a loss.

*The only video games I play, in mostly honesty, are college football ones. Guess what, Mr. Keller, you would never be on my squad ;)

Who's being audited? Correct!

I'm being audited. Hence, I will be a nutjob until about Tuesday morning. Excuse real life as she rudely intrudes on me, yet again..."Jane, you slut".

Things Republicans* Have Done Right....Part One

Geo. Wash:
Pluses: Ummm, kicked the Brits' asses? Of course, let's not forget that were England not also engaged in France, and had the wherewithal to quell this lil' uprising, we'd still be having tea and crumpets, heading to the loo, using undergrounds and tubes, stuck with archaic currence, and -of course- driving on the wrong side of the road.
Downers: really treated veterans like shit, engaged more men to quell the Whiskey Rebellion than ever fought against the British at one time, plus, was an elitist aristocratic fucker.

John Adams:
Pluses: Kept us out of the messy French-British war (of course, 12 years later, we would be embroiled with our motherland again). Strengthed national commerce, especially with old Euro powers. Thumbed his nose at the French, but eventually made nice with Napoleon.
Downers: Fierce suppressor of political dissent; the Naturalization & Alien and Sedition Acts will forever earn rightful scorn. Midnight judges, but even that had a bright spot...as we kept John Marshall and later earned judicial review over the actions of the other branches.

Wm. H. Harrison:
Pluses: Died after 32 days in office.
Minuses: Died after 32 days in office, AND your 7th grade teacher made you remember "Ole Tippecanoe and Tyler Too"...a phrase currently taking up valuable mental real estate.

John Tyler:
Pluses: The second of "Ole Tippecanoe", so he's easy to remember. Annexed Texas (if you're into land and empires...or, if you're like me and just into hot latinas). Was the first President to fight off a politcally-motivated impeachment proceeding.
Minuses: Ummm, annexed Texas in a purely shameful land grab. Lost FOUR confirmation hearings for SCOTUS nominees...a record. Supported Polk, who later won, thus firmly cementing the mid-1880s as an Industrial Revolution free-for-all.

I stand corrected: THIS may be the worst thing I've read....

What the holy hell? Is this what Iraqi Freedumb meant, Bush Style?

A prominent Iraqi human rights activist says that Iraqi militia have deployed a painful form of torture against homosexuals by closing their anuses using "Iranian gum.” … Yanar Mohammad told Alarabiya.net that, “Iraqi militias have deployed an unprecedented form of torture against homosexuals by using a very strong glue that will close their anus.”

According to her, the new substance 'is known as the American hum, which is an Iranian-manufactured glue that if applied to the skin, sticks to it and can only be removed by surgery. After they glue the anuses of homosexuals, they give them a drink that causes diarrhea. Since the anus is closed, the diarrhea causes death. Videos of this form of torture are being distributed on mobile cellphones in Iraq.' According to this human rights activist, for the past 3 weeks a crackdown on homosexuals has been going on based on a religious decree that demands their death; dozens have been targeted. She says that the persecution of homosexuals is not confined to the Shiite clerics. Some Sunni leaders have also declared the death penalty for sodomy on satellite channels."

In today's Irony alert

Yesterday, a group of about 70-ish white nationalist fuckknuckles hosted an anti-immigration rally in St. Louis, chanting "Immigrant go home" and "seig heil". Where to start? The fact that the off-spring of immigrants were chanting "immigrants go home"? Perhaps the fact that as these blustering fuckos were chanting "USA USA", they were also giving praise to a foreign leader? in a FOREIGN LANGUAGE?

Sitting Bull approves of the Nazis anti-immigration stance and invites them to immediately take actions according to their rhetoric and just go home.