Living in the Midwest...Yeah, it'll do it to you...

I MILK MY COWS. MOOOOOOOOO

via Bore Me.

Two Words Why France is Hated: Free Running.

Free Running*, or Parkour**,  is some new urban hipster shit whereby people take vast quantities of uppers and spas out. They half-jog, half-trot, jump up and down off guard rails, literally bounce off the walls, and otherwise are in the mental state that you'd expect from the poser, disaffected class that passes for chic these days...then they call it "sport" and subject us to it on G4....

There are two prerequisites for Free Running: 1. be too broke to own a skateboard like a proper hoodlum, and 2. listen to shitty noise which passes as punk these days.

Of course, others are a bit more balanced in their description of this utterly ridiculous fad. In fact, if you want to learn how to get started acting like a semi-acrobatic epileptic, then WikiHow is your place....

So you want to get started in Parkour or Free running. The videos are out there... people doing insane jumps between buildings, over railings and through cities. These trained experts are probably practicing either parkour or free running. Parkour is a form of movement that stresses efficiency and speed. The point is to to get from spot A to spot B as quickly and efficiently as possible. Free Running is similar but it also involves aesthetic movements such as flips, spins, and many other forms of 'flair' (traceurs, practitioners of parkour, usually frown upon movement "wasted" on aesthetics). Also, Free Runners usually don't have a set path.

Remember, kids, Free Runners don't have a set path, because purposeful motion kills your buzz and is an affront to the whole concept of being an idle loser.

Again, France...this is why people in the productive part of the Western world hate you. Those of us in the part of the world not noted for being surrender monkeys just say "what the fuck is wrong with you people."





*Or, if you're really a pretentious douche, Parkour.
** Did I mention that's really, really lame..."The art of motion"? Le Ghey.

Trifecta of Suck: I dare you

This is the trifecta of suck: Yesterday, on the way back from Lauritzen Gardens for the Japanese Autumn Ambience Festival, I spotted a sign advertising a rockin' Hallo'eve event...I call it, the trifecta of suck. 
 
This is a simple recipe that takes one part distinctly pagan Autumn/Harvest festival and remembrance party for the dead:

Pic via Sea of Shadows blog

Adds ONE PART: "on ice"(...e.g., the traditional stomping ground for has-beens of skating):

That's not exactly sticking the landing, yo.

Just a dollop of Nancy Kerrigan:

Whyyyyy? Whyyyyy? My thoughts exactly, Nancy.

Then, for your listening displeasure, sprinkle the odious Mannheim Steamroller all over it:

This is how bad it is: Mannheim Steamroller is on the cover of AARP's mag this month...and that is sadly true.

Let simmer in a two hour cauldron of fail, then remove one steaming poppin'-fresh turd blossom known as the "Omaha: Mannheim Steamroller Presents: Nancy Kerrigan's Halloween on Ice"

Some things defy description.

Senor Knucklehead

We're Siamese Twins officer.

Attention: The fine folks who come North to do those back-breaking, disgusting or menial tasks that most Americans are too squeamish or lazy to do, I applaud you. However, you really do have to try a bit harder to look like you're supposed to be here. A fake ID prominently featuring your girlie is bound to arouse suspicion.*



*This message was brought to you by NAFTA

Who's got hos? Ludacris got hos.

From the Strange Maps websites...this is a list of the area codes where Ludacris purports to have/or had/or retains 'hos'...I swear to God, I'm going to make one of these

How to spot a douchebag in a few easy steps...Part One

1. Knowing the words to, owning, having been in attendance, hummed along to, or otherwise defiled themselves with anything related to Creed.

2. TruckNutz...yes, steel testicles descending from one's truck to indicate what a "man" they are.

3. Oakleys. No one looks cool in them, but it's a sure bet that douchebags invariably think they do.

4. Grown men that go to Hooters. Douchey in extremis and painfully pitiful.

5. White jeans. Unless you're a woman and a runway model, then you are a douche for wearing these.

6. Ah, courtesy of Hot Chicks with Douchebags, meet the "Fung"...a 'roid mutant, fake-baker, with bad spiked hair, purple lips and a carmex fetish. 100% douche.

7. Soul Patches. Just say no to this abortion of facial hair, douchebags. (note: often goes well with Creed ownership and/or White Jeans).

8. Grown damn men in football jerseys. If you're not on contract, ditch this...it's weak, pitiful and douchey. We get it, Douchebag, you like your team.

9. Poppin' the Collar. This Reaganite abomination is back. Luckily for us, as hideous as it is t view, it is just as easy to spot the douchebags.

I've een very few lawsuits without merit...until this one

Sir, you are a raging vag. A worthless douche. Good thing I haven't uploaded, from my own end-use, a name to this player, otherwise Sam Keller might name me in his suit.

Jesus H Christ.* So, this pussy Nebraskan decides to sue EA Sports for "exploiting" the names and likenesses of the active student-athletes in their games. How does that work? Well, apparently, according to NCAA by laws, persons cannot profit off of active students. Makes sense. Where does EA come into this class-fuckin-action? Good question, this is how...per the complaint:

Though names are not visible on player jerseys in the video games, the lawsuit contends EA Sports "intentionally circumvents the prohibitions on utilizing student-athletes' names by allowing gamers to upload entire rosters, which include players' names and other information, directly into the game in a matter of seconds.

Hmmm. So, because ELU (end license users) can *gasp* change the names of the generic players to the current roster (whenever that might be) and *gasp* decide how to tweak the generic players, this is somehow a matter of EA's naughty behavior? WTF? Sorry, I can't even deal with this right now...the legal stupidity, the cupidity and the derogation of all sanity here has me at a loss.

*The only video games I play, in mostly honesty, are college football ones. Guess what, Mr. Keller, you would never be on my squad ;)