Real life time, kids...

Off to the grocery store, do some cooking and cleaning, then watching a lil' footbaw. Until then, let us do the dance of Happy Saturday as we do in my native land....

Okay, maybe that's not my people...looks more like a Seattler, Canuck or other such Freedom-Hater.

Via MoonBuggy. 

Your Country is Fucked: America looking outwards

Alas, it is...Stupid Americans.

click to John Holmes image.

These spoofs were the original creation way back in 1996 of some Brits with a very ironic and somewhat true notion of how the US never looks beyond its borders. Here is the original from the UK's Jigsaw Lounge.

Simply phenomenal. 

 

Saturday wants to see some pillaging....

Today your University of Alabama Crimson Tide travels to Starkville to play Mississippi State in a game that should be about as violent and one-sided as the Danish sack of Lindisfarne. For those who are exited about that prospect, please enjoy this reaving tune.

Otherwise, please watch the following Icelandic PSA with a thoughtful dating tip for taking Viking women on a date :)

That's pretty hot.

TGIF: We can all use some laughs...

After this horrifying week, I think we should all just lighten the hell up a bit, shall we? Below is one of my favorite jokes (a la MSX Net)

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. 
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, 
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit,  I put a glass of 
vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning  of the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to  talk  up a storm.
Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his
door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, 
   and Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he 
   was stoned off his ass. 

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take  this and
    eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub,  thanks for
    the grub, yeah God."

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a
    peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Sarah Silverman, I love you...

I adore, adore, adore Sarah.

Cynic? Moi?

Just stumpled across a fabulous website for you other cynics, naysayers and ne'er-do-wells...The Cynic's Sanctuary.  There is a trove of wonderful bah-humbuggery, there, and the site author even has a book (much akin to my hero Ambrose Bierce's Devil's Dictionary). From The Cynic's Dictionary:

FIBER	Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another eight or ten years in which to consume wood-pulp.
FOUNDATION GRANT	Bourgeois beneficence that enables unmarketable artists to continue expressing their contempt for bourgeois values.
FUNERAL HOME	A stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them.
GENETIC ENGINEERING	Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo.
GOLF	The art of driving hard, avoiding the rough, surmounting traps and hazards, aiming straight, and arriving on the green at last, only to end up in a hole in the ground before your companions. The favored pastime of businessmen and their cronies, probably without a full appreciation of its metaphorical implications.

Now that you interest has been piqued, go give Rick a visit at the Cynic's Sanctuary.

Today's Hot Nerd: Guitar Hero chicks....

Let me be as completely and wholly up-front as possible. I detest Guitar Hero (tm). Seriously. For years I railed against the very notion as a waste of time. Long before South Park nailed it, I was screaming that for all the time and money spent on this useless shit, a kid could actually learn a real live instrument. as a musician (and as a former professional, honest-to-God, touring, recording professional entertainer),  I find the concept offensive.

Nevertheless, there is some poon out there.

Okay. Hating this less....

Warming up to this....

 

Guitar Hero? Sounds reasonable to me....

 

You win. Can I play?

Just fuck all of creepy, incestuous Missouri...and Mormons.

Missouri, again, Der Schatten invites your entire State to go drown itself.

As documented earlier, Missouri is the second worst state in the Union, behind only South Dakota. Well, just when I think that I can sleep at night knowing that South Dakota is the most God-forsaken shithole on the Continent, you get horrifying shit like this nightmare fuel....

A father and his four middle-aged sons shuffled across a Lafayette County courtroom floor this morning to hear charges read against them — a string of incestuous outrages allegedly committed decades ago against children of their family.

Sound like regular Mizzou trash to you? Me too, until I got the horrifying details in the KC Star....

The men were arrested Tuesday in coordinated raids, based on allegations of a young woman, who said her relatives had molested and had sex with her and other children, sometimes as part of “marriage” rituals, beginning two decades ago. Now 26, she said the abuse had begun when she was five and had ended only after she was forced to have an abortion at age 11.

Image (c) KC Star

Seriously. Take a second and read that again: 'Marriages' to five (5) year old girls....who are raped in a chicken coop....until they are forced to have abortions....at eleven. Fuck.  If you can stomach the read, it's here, otherwise, suffice it to say, that po po are looking for bodies now. And, if you grieve for these little girls, then you can take no solace in two facts. First, to dispel the horrific abuse they endured, they were encouraged by the adults to bury their memories in jars...Second, this was (surprise!!!)  Mormon shit.

Are you surprised that people who wear this shit might have fucking unhealthy sexual hang-ups?

Mormon horseshit is a ghoulish, racist, pedophilic mysogyny akin to a "religion" about as much as the Fleshlight is to a legitimate vagina.

Until then, Missouri and Mormons, fuck you...you win.

Mormon Missouri Orgy.

 
 

I have no idea what the hell this is...

But, it's very cool.

This is the Cantenna Clock, an alleged "hyper-reality clock" that apparently operates via a cog and chain mechanism. I have no idea if this works, but I certainly hope so. If not, there are always other uses for the chain. Like

Decorative beer bottle openers....

 

A festive bowl for your bric-a-brac...

 

 Or a special gift for your loved ones.

So, ummm, yea, let's hope the clock works. 

Profiles in Gangsta' Fail

I've well-documented my hatred of Tennessee, and all of their players. So, this morning, when two of their 5-star blue chippers were arrested for A) armed robbery, with B) a pellet gun, riding in C) a Prius, I jsut about pissed myself. And, behold, my tribute to the fine student athletes in Knoxville.

Fail, Tennessee. Fail.

Thursday's sending out its call for a Dark Angel

Enjoy. God knows that I do...perhaps a bit too much.

Heism@n Alert: This thing has wings...

5'10", 211 pounds of 19 year old fury.

Meet Mark Ingram. A few weeks ago, when the media was desperate for the "OMG, who's going to win the Heisman?" they annointed Alabama's Sophomore running back, Mark Ingram (above, white jersey, unable of being tackled). At first, I thought this might be a joke. But, now, apparently it's not.  

Meme alert:

From Yahoo/Rivals: Tide's Ingram on the Verge of Making History

1. Mark Ingram, Alabama: Finally, there is some separation in the Heisman race. After a 144-yard rushing output against LSU, Ingram is tantalizingly close to becoming Alabama’s first recipient.

From Sports Illustrated: As top contenders fall, Alabama RB remains in full control

1. Mark Ingram, Alabama:Last week: 22 rushes, 144 yards; 5 receptions, 30 yards in a 24-15 victory against No. 9 LSU

Season: 175 rushes, 1,148 yards, 8 TDs; 24 receptions, 216 yards, 3 TDs
Heisman-o-meter: After Ingram had just six carries for 38 yards in an offensively inept first 30 minutes, the Tide fed Ingram early and often in the second half and he shouldered much of the load on the team's first two scoring drives in the half. He was his vintage self, darting through holes and hop-cutting by defenders and finished with 106 yards after halftime. His most important carry may have been the least exciting: a two-yard dive on fourth-and-inches in the fourth quarter to seal the win. So what makes him the Heisman leader? In four games against ranked opponents, he has averaged 178 rushing yards.

 And, from ESPN: Heisman race go way of BCS race:

1. Mark Ingram, Alabama: It's hard to believe an Alabama player has never won the Heisman Trophy. It's hard to ignore what Ingram has done for the No. 2 Crimson Tide this season. The sophomore has already run for 1,148 yards and eight touchdowns. He had 144 rushing yards in last week's 24-15 victory over No. 9 LSU, gaining 106 in the second half. Ingram catches the ball out of the backfield (24 receptions for 216 yards with three touchdowns) and runs out of the "Wildcat" package. There might not be a better back in the country at gaining yards after contact. Even more impressive is the fact Ingram has done most of his damage without a consistent passing game taking pressure off him.

Built like a bowling ball, and giving free piggy back rides since 2008.

 

Mark, even if you don't win, I'd say you're a safe bet to go to New York for the ceremony. Great job.

Wednesday Veteran's Day Questions War....

Particularly those of a decided religious and/or racist bent*

*Oooh, look, the Occupied Territories feature both of these. Prominently.

Fetus...now with more sprinkles.

From Stupid.com

This is what you think it is: a fetus-shaped cookie cutter of a 4-month old, gestational blob of cells.

 

W

Who knew these lil' guys could be so tasteless, yet so tasty?

Got Milk?

Attack of the Vatican

That's nice...If ostentation is your thing.

The Catholic Church, the gray lady, she just hasn't been the same since the Reformation. The Church is still somewhat stinging from the Theses nailed up by Martin Luther, the loss of Latin liturgy, the loss of power in the clerical class with the publication of various vulgate editions of the Bible, and -in America, the rise of the Protestant Awakenings.

Also very pretty. Does it come in English?

But now, it appears that Mother Church has devised a plan to get back some of those Protestants, at least in England. Ironically, it revolves around the Anglican Church -the Church of England that Henry VIII founded to excuse his wives' somewhat unfortunate habit of dying, and thus sanctioning his new marriages and/or divorces.

Sure, we say we like women...but, are we willing to start a brand new religion just for a divorce?

The rightist Anglicans in Britain are in revolt over liberalizing social policies. And, to hear the Vatican talk it was the Anglicans who came to Rome, not vice versa.

The number of Anglicans wishing to join the Catholic Church has increased in recent years as the Anglican Church has welcomed the ordination of women and openly gay clergy and blessed homosexual partnerships, said Cardinal William Joseph Levada, the head of the Vatican's Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith...."The Catholic Church is responding to the many requests that have been submitted to the Holy See from groups of Anglican clergy and faithful in different parts of the world who wish to enter into full visible communion," Levada said.

So, there you have it. Hundreds of Anglicans at a time, keeping their rituals, becoming Catholic priests, and -predictably- even getting their own saints. This will only Balkanize the schism between right and left in the Christian community*, as it drives the Catholic Church further toward the right (particularly in Europe) as an alternative to global progress and the advance of human and civil rights.

You'd think Christ's Vicar on Earth would be a lot less creepy, a lot less like Nosferatu, and a helluva lot less of a Nazi (literally...he was in Hitler Youth and Luftwaffenhelfer).

*Not that it matters one whit to me; superstition is superstition no matter how much money or pomp you wrap it up in.

Tuesday Wants To Know Why We Are Alive

A much more serious question than you imagine, when you consider that yesterday two people could have died in a horrible twist of fate. Yet, one woman died, and by some occurrence, I live.

Now I'm not a man
and I don't feel love
And I don't see anything
coming down from above
But this world spins slowly
and I see a light
Rising up from behind the horizon
up into the clear black sky
But I don't see you in my line of sight
In fact I can't remember why we are alive

Some days, it just has to be done...Kanye

And by some days, I mean whenever whimsy strikes. I've had a fucking terrible day, and perhaps I'll even share it tomorrow. In the meanwhile, I'm going to drink alone and look at Kanye-Taylor Swift spoofs. Join me, won't you?

This is funny, but since my friends and fam are in the South, here's a prayer to stay safe from Ida bearing down on y'all.

 

Hmmm, with Veterans' Day approaching, not sure about this wisdom of this one...fuck it, it is funny, because in America EVERY DAY is 9/11 apparently.

 

Sometimes, even Kanye speaks truly...

More after the jump, including my favorites, one of which is *most definitely NSFW*

I am becoming a shut-in...

My nest, my nest, in all the world, my nest is best.

Ugh. I see how agoraphobia starts now...it begins with wanting to stay hidden inside, for one reason or another (and, in my case, it's shame), then it turns into anxiety, then fear, then phobic/panic. I've always been a bit reclusive with my time (or, I have since I've gotten a little older), and I've never gone past the shame stage, and I probably never will.

Just suffice it say, that I understand now.

o noes

You know what they say about big feet?

...It's only a nominal coefficient with penis length. 

Here is the abstract from the above interesting "research"....

Abstract  To determine whether "folk myths" regarding the relationships of penile size to body height and foot size have any basis in fact, 63 normally virilized men were studied. Height and stretched penile length were measured; shoe size was recorded and converted to foot length. Penile length was found to be statistically related to both body height and foot length, but with weak correlation coefficients. Height and foot size would not serve as practical estimators of penis length.

Thus "professionals" and "researchers" have "scientifically" determined precisely what every last non-virgin on the planet could tell you...You can't tell until the drawers drop and Mr. Snuggles is prepped for action.

Monday's Got Work To Do.

Just like the Average White Band, today's an average  --busy!-- Monday, with Work To Do.

Sunday Loves Champions

Thanks Freddy! Alabama 9-0 (6-0) is now your SEC West Champs and has just booked its ticket to rematch the dread and hated Florida Gators for the Title.