Wedding from Hell: Surviving Tsunamis

 Just another day in the neighborhood.

Good god. Let's never do that again, shall we? I am about to weave you a tale that would make the children from Lemony Persnicket's "Unfortunate Events" gnash their teeth in anxiety. Putting it shortly, everything was a freakin' abomination of Biblical proportions.

In that "wrath of god" way, let's talk about the biggest calamity, and one that's not terrible humorous: Japan's 9.0 earthquake off the Sendai Coast, in the Honshu Prefecture. If you think 9.0 sounds pretty massive, that's because it is...It is the 4th largest earthquake in recorded history: And, because of the algorithm used, it actually winds up being about 1000 times more powerful than the ones that struck Kobe and Haiti. And that ignores the hundreds of magnitude 5-6.6 quakes that were started all along the Ring of Fire...

Hundreds....Everywhere.

Surrounded by water, and unstable earth for thousands of miles.

And, as the people of the Pacific Rim could tell you, yours truly included, this wasn't even the worst of what was to come...No, the worst --for that day, at least-- was the massive tsunami that was spawned. A tsunami isn't like a beach wave, that undulates in gently and floods everything...It's a buckling of the sea floor, which raises the water level by tens and dozens of feet. When you live near the coast, all it takes is 2-4 feet to flood you out. Japan got hit by an immediate 30 foot wall of water, killing tens of thousands and causing tens of billions of dollars of damage....

And it was without warning....

Sure, you say, that's Japan...What does that Island archipelago have to do with Hawaii, which is 2000 miles away?  Let me answer that with this observation. We, like Japan, are on a fault line; with our shores being simply seafloor ramps from the earth's bottom. That makes any sort of rise in the water level potentially deadly. And, since we largely live on the coasts, it makes any tsunami damage potentially crippling.

There's also the matter that Tsunami energy travels thousands of miles, largely unimpeded.

Note the Purple area of tsunami energy: It's half the size of Australia...

I'll spare you my evacuation details: Suffice it to say, I spent a sleepless night, with a dozen people from my wedding party, getting drunk in my office. After the dawn arose, we moved to a "tent city" further up the hill. The scariest part, as the tsunami is blasting us with 8-12 walls of water, you can't hear a thing...dead silence except for the sound of waves and water crashing that you normally here.

But it wasn't just a little splashing: It was an inundation along the West Coast. 53 homes destroyed, 1 swept off to sea, dozens of businesses and resorts damaged/destroyed, hundreds of people out of work, and $300 million dollars worth of damage in toll.

And this was a "small tsunami"

This guy is a dumbass, but I'm glad he was...

You can get an idea of what 8-12 feet of water coming at you looks like.

...and it went on for hours...

This says nothing of the irradiation coming our way via the trade winds, Japanese refugees, destroyed economies, and a week of dangerous surf, dangerous critters and god-knows-what washing up on the shores of Paradise.

But, one of the saddest things is that Pu'uhonua o' Honaunau, the City of Refuge, was destroyed (yes, where I was going to be married two days later). For two thousand years, this was a place of asylum for those who violated the caste system, committed taboo (kapu) acts, or were displaced survivors of war. If you made it to the city, you were granted clemency, if not then, like so many other acts in Hawaii at the time, you were killed.

We don't have pictures yet, but my understanding is that the Great Wall has been completely destroyed, the ancient canoe village washed out to sea, the great temple (heiau) damaged, and myriad human remains swept away and uncovered after hundreds of years of rest.

No word on the tikis...

 

Thus, while we were comparatively lucky, all is not right in paradise. And it's a damn shame. But, not a single person died here, and for that, we are even more fortunate.

-d.s.

Awww, hey there little buddy...ARAGRARAGGGGHGHGHGHH!!

Awww, look at him. His little face, pink noes and cute little ears. Don't you just want to wurzzle him?

I'd advise against it, if I were you, actually. We all know ferrets. The cute little weasels that disaffected stoners always seem to have. They are smart, highly trainable, and, of course, prone to theft...even without encouragement. My best friend and band-mate had one that was trained to steal people's keys, hide them. Then, whilst attention was diverted, would steal their pot.  What a great elongated rat.

 Seriously, look at his widdle whiskers.

But, that's just what they are, these cut little ferrets. They're weasels. And weasels are nothing more than intelligent, elongated, and cute rats. 

And, as we all know, rats can be absolutely vicious when provoked, or hungry. Or, really, for no reason whatsoever, other than the fact they're kind of dicks.

Just like the rat and weasel, ferrets too can have their violent, dickish downside. Case in point, from Missouri (of course)

A 4-month-old baby boy from Grain Valley, Missouri, was in critical condition after a family pet ferret ate seven of the infant's fingers, 

The mother was awakened at 2:30 a.m. Monday to her baby's crying, and she awakened her husband with screams upon discovering what happened, Ambrose said.

The dad killed the pet by hurling it across the house, Ambrose said.

The baby now has only two thumbs and a partial pinkie, the chief said. The ferret was about six months old, a police report said.

A necropsy is being performed on the ferret to examine its stomach contents and determine whether the animal had rabies, Ambrose said.

You can't joke about the maiming of a small infant. And, fortunately, things can be done for the child, such as taking the toes, elongating them, and re-attaching them as fingers (would you rather have orthotic shoes or hands?). But, it is once again a reminder that wild animals are just that...wild. We've spent the better part of 35,000 years trying to domesticate the dog, and even then it backfires horribly when they get all wolfy and do what predators are meant to do.

No different from the ferret.

Best just stick with a puppy for now, new parents.

-d.s.

So, global warming a new phenomenon?

Of course not; it's been creeping on us and Gaia since the dawn of Industrialization. Sadly, it's not that we just learned about this in the 1980s either, or for the Gen Y'ers, with Al Gore's An Inconvenient truth.

No, rather, we've known about the effects of man-made emissions on our atmosphere and ecosphere since...hmmm....about 1958.


Check out this video from Raw

Any questions?

-d.s.

Stay warm, America...

Image via Nasa

Seriously, this some Old Testament, get-all-smite-y, wrath of God shit descending on you mainlanders. Stay warm & be safe. 

I'll just sit and suffer in 88 degree weather, sunshine and perfect nights.

J/K...I spent 6 years in Iowa, Nebraska and South Dakota. I'm entitled to shudder (and taunt) from afar.

-d.s.

Monday has a Sad Panda day...

Off to a bad start, Boils and Ghouls. At 4:45 my alarm (a/k/a iPhone Alarm O' Doom) went off, as I had some early work to do before I get to the office. I turned on the LED Flashlight App to walk down the stairs and -POOF- Phone is dead.

No problems, figured I: I'll just plug it in, let it charge, and then start my day with some coffee and the  the invaluable Twitter/Facebook/email/Angry Birds Quadrafection of Awesome (tm).

No luck. It appears I have a firmware issue that my little Mac Book can't fix. This is a job for the Big Mac at the office (and, more importantly, do it on my boss's time, rather than my own).

May not be around much today, if I have to make a trip to the Apple Store. Just in case, enjoy the Sad Sexual Harassment Panda, won't you?

Remix, yo.

-d.s.

Welcome to the "first serious infowar"

Happy Sunday: I don't usually post on the weekend, but it's too hot for golfing --yes, I do that because it's fun, and, I love sanctioned drinking and driving. And, I am really kind of worried about my world. I apologize in advance for the length of this, as I usually just get in/get out, and then let you minions sort out the meaning of it all, on your own, in an uncaring silent Universe (Hey! I didn't realize that I might be God?!).

If being bummed/frightened/unsettled isn't your thing, then please accept this offer of boobies...there's many more on this site, I promise, Otherwise, enjoy the offering of boobies then proceed.

 We can all agree that boobies make everything better, right?

Welcome to the first serious info-war.

Does that sound like Alex Jones' craziness? I admit, it does to me. However, that statement is not the histrionics of a conspiracy-obsessed blogger. No, this seeming bit of hyperventilation comes to us via Electronic Freedom Frontier (EFF) president, John Perry Barlow, who stated that "the first serious infowar has been engaged", referring of course to the administrative, corporate and governmental response to the Wikileak'd cables.

The effect of this statement is staggering. EFF is not a fringe 9/11 truth-er movement, or a tea-bag rightist fantasy camp. No, EFF is a well-respected major player in the realms of electronic privacy advocacy and all other issues affecting the intersection between humanity and computing. They bring suit, complaints and file amici on everything from eBay TOS to DMCR to extra-governmental snooping in your bank records, to the RIAA's punitive allegations of file-sharing and copyright. Barlow's release, then, is akin to the ACLU telling all 374 million of us that Congress has declared a literal war on American citizens and their rights. (In fairness, Barlow has issued some awfully hyperbolic statements before, but this one on behalf of EFF, is professional, not personal).

Okay, we get your point; we should be paying attention.

What is this info-war? Specifically, it's the war being waged on Wikileaks, a non-profit entity, by some of the most powerful nations on the planet, some of the largest online businesses, right down to the smallest DNS providers. Here's the rundown:

November 28, Wikileaks begins to release cables from the U.S. functionaries, containing highly embarrassing name-calling by diplomats, and revealing other embarrassing "secrets", such as Pakistan is close to a failed state, Saudis admit their citizens bankroll terrorists, Merkel doesn't know her ass from a hole in the ground, Sarkoszy is thin-skinned French wanker, the Russian mob and the Italian mafia are in cahoots, Putin and Buerlusconi are as crooked as the day is long. To which one can only say "No shit. We already knew this stuff". Anyone who reads the major papers of records such as PakTimes, NY Times, Pravda, BBC News, Le Monde, etc could have told you all of this...without blinking.

Yet, this information is deemed "damaging". And, that same day so-called "massive" denial of service attacks, effectively shutting down the site's Swedish servers. Private hackers and hacktivists have claimed credit for the attack, yet, there appears to be evidence of state-sponsored involvement in shutting down Wikileaks.

So, after suffering nearly 1/2 million attacks per minute on its own servers, Wikileaks then moves to Amazon. Predictably, Amazon pussies out, citing a non-existent violation of their TOS, and shuts down the site. Daniel Ellsberg, the hero who released the Pentagon Papers and thus set up some of the most profound First Amendment doctrine, has predictably struck back at this corporate censorship. His open letter to Amazon is powerful stuff. 

So, Wikileaks is on the move again. This time to "wikileaks.org" in the U.S. and Wikileaks mirrors in France. Fast-forward to December 2, 2010, where Wikileaks announces that it has a massive dump of documents that will absolutely destroy the veil obscuring the shady dealings between the U.S. and multi-billion dollar giant Bank of America.

Still following? Good, because shit is about to...Well, you know.

Anyone paying attention to the role of corporate influence in the U.S. can figure out what happens next: The war begins in earnest on Wikileaks. It is only after this disclosure that Amazon removes the site citing an undisclosed term of service. What about Wikileaks.org? EverDNS, the Vermont-based server for Wikileaks.org in America pulls the site, also citing a trumped-up violation of TOS.

Fine, you say, there are still European servers, right? Places where free expression and whistle-blowing/gonzo journalism are still taken seriously? You'd be wrong. First, France pulls Wikileaks' main site on the basis of no established French law. Fine. Move on the mirror in Switzerland, wikileaks.ch. Only problem is, now the Swiss have pulled the site as well, again, citing to no violation of law; information just goes down the memory hole.

Meanwhile, Assange is the apparent victim of trumped-up "rape charges". Swedish authorities have, since the Afghan/Iraq war dump stated that he's wanted for rape. After declining to prosecute for nearly a year, they now are attempting to re-file the charges. But, was there rape? Ummmm, no. The basis for the sexual assault charges are now apparently "sex by surprise" in having "unprotected sex".

And, on the homefront, American corporations are still fighting the BoA release tooth-n-nail. For instance, PayPal today announced that it will no longer permit donations to Assange's operation. And, it appears as though Twitter and Facebook are about to silence Wikileaks as well.

Sounds like an Infowar to me...

While all of these governments/agencies/corporations are shutting down the site in advance of the lending documents' release, the U.S. Government has apparently decided that a spoke truth can be obliterated if you just don't talk about it; and that the words/actions of our nation didn't occur if only they don't mention it by name, or try to ham-fistedly deny access to the documents. 

For instance, the Library of Congress, the largest repository of human knowledge in the world, has denied access to any site which could potentially discuss/release the cables. As the NY Times reports, the Government has jumped the shark in a more pernicious way, by ordering employees not to discuss the contents of the cables.  I shit you not. Government employees, many of who's work went into formulating the policy and actions described in the cable, cannot discuss, even amongst themselves, what work/words/actions actually got released.

As though administratively-required amnesia has ever worked.

The most recent head-in-the-sand, Orwellian approach is threatening grad/law students not to discuss this information that is already in the public sector. As Above the Law wrote today, several law schools are assisting the government in chilling, unconstitutional prior restraint of free speech. The pre-emptively bullying reads as follows (from BU School of Law):

Today I received information about Wikileaks that I want to pass on to you. This is most relevant if you are going to apply for or have already applied for federal government positions. Two big factors in hiring for many federal government positions are determining if the applicants have good judgment and if they know how to deal with confidential/classified information. The documents released by Wikileaks remain classified; thus, reading them, passing them on, commenting on them may be seen as a violation of Executive Order 13526, Classified National Security Information. See Section 5.5 (Sanctions).

For many federal government jobs, applicants must obtain security clearances. There are various levels of security checks, but all federal positions require background checks. As part of such checks, social media may be researched to see what you are up to, so DO NOT post links to the documents or make comments on any social media sites. Moreover, polygraphs are conducted for the highest levels of security clearance.

I have not yet heard any fallout about specific individuals, but we wanted to give you this take on the situation.

Maura Kelly
Assistant Dean for Career Development and Public Service

Ladies and gentlemen, this is an info-war. Rather than asnwering the fucking question, such as why the U.S. State Dept ordered spying on the UN; rather than discuss our uncomfortable ties to the Saudis; the failings of our policies in the Middle East; the torture that created hundreds, if not thousands, of new Jihadis, our government would rather silence the voices, pretend the words were never spoken, and then threaten and bully its citizens in any means at its disposal.

Chilling doesn't do this justice.

Perhaps our "leaders" would be better served by actually going back and reading the words of some of our Founders with respect to information, the press, and an engaged citizenry. In fact, a guy named Thomas Jefferson once said "Where the press is free and every man able to read, all is safe."

Good advice, what else did he have to say?

"The light which has been shed on mankind by the art of printing has eminently changed the condition of the world... And while printing is preserved, it can no more recede than the sun return on his course." --Thomas Jefferson to John Adams, 1823. ME 15:465

"Our liberty cannot be guarded but by the freedom of the press, nor that be limited without danger of losing it." --Thomas Jefferson to John Jay, 1786. 

"Our citizens may be deceived for awhile, and have been deceived; but as long as the presses can be protected, we may trust to them for light." --Thomas Jefferson to Archibald Stuart. 1799.

 

It's about time we fucking listen, I'd say.

In our failing democracy, we can at least count on boobies, Katherine Zeta-Jones' incomparable beauty, and the two combined.

 

 

-d.s.

Soooo. Guess what just crawled up my slacks?

As I was meeting with a client? I'm sure he appreciated me jumping up and down on one leg, and screaming like a banshee/slash 8 y.o. girl.

Yes. They are poisonous. Yes, I've been stung by their smaller versions.

No, I do not ever want to see another one as long as I live.

-d.s.

I Get Mail: A Note on Lawyerin' and Limitations thereof

 Dammit, why do I get the sense this will be a disclaimer of sorts.

As you have probably adduced, clever lil' ghouls, I am an attorney. This is a fact which surprises even me sometimes; usually when I'm doing dishes in my underwear and having a dance party in the kitchen. That said, the gig comes with some prohibitions, because -- and this may surprise the cynics -- we are, and must be, exceptionally ethical persons.

We are tasked with literally being your agent, both in fact and at law. That's what the word means, at its core: It's derived from Middle English/Archaic French...attourne, or to be appointed.  This concept is a broad one, and when the gravity of it sinks in, you'll hopefully understand where I'm coming from. In a nutshell to be attourned means that: every word you need uttered, scrawled, reiterated; every action that must be advised for or against or taken to protect you; all property and real estate and monies that you need negotiated for, recouperated from, safeguarded, dispensed of and/or collected from; the advancement of your best interests; the protection of your fundamental and economic rights; the enforcement of the laws which make your professional, social and educational life function smoothly and without your notice; the responsibility for your very freedom and personal liberty...all of those are the responsibility of your attorney.

 Pretty heavy shit, huh? But is it as heavy as Slayer?

Trick question...there is nothing heavier than Slayer.

With all of these obligations comes some definite no-no's; do's and dont's that are absolute, and which cannot be breached. Why? Because like every other profession (cocksucker MBAs excluded), we strive to do well by doing right. Ultimately, all of our rules of conduct are to protect you, your faith in the judicial system, and the integrity of the legal system. And we take it seriously. And 95% of us do our jobs with integrity the profession expects and that you deserve.

 I liked him better when he stuck with dick jokes...

Among the laundry list of "Thou shalt nots..." is providing legal advice to a person and then attempting to deny that an attorney-client relationship exists. This means, that if you share a confidence to an attorney regarding an , and he returns those communications with some sort of advice, generally you have created an arguable attorney-client relationship. 

That is why I must now say the following to you*, and am only doing so now because of the emails that I receive...and receive far more than I would like:

• No, I cannot tell you how to get your child support lowered.
• No, I cannot help you with your creepy bosses. (although, I feel for you).
• No, I cannot tell you how to collect from a deadbeat dad. (again, I feel for you)
• No, I do not know and cannot tell you what to do when you flunked your piss tests.
• No, I will not call your landlord and "work it out" for you. (although, I really feel for you)
• No, I do not know someone in Lansing who can handle your sentencing.
• No, I will not tell you if there is an effective way to beat a license revocation if you refused to take a breathalyzer.
• No, I cannot get a restraining order for you. (As a former DV counselor, I will tell you to get one now, though, if you even suspect you need one!)
• No, I do not know how to work things out with Sallie Mae. (trust me on this one!)
• No, I cannot work things out with Financial Aid for you.

These, I cannot do.  I will get in trouble, and you will be poorly served by internet legal advice. There are always legal services organizations, special non-profits (such as fair housing centers, women's and children's shelters), pro bono attorneys, State Bar access to justice programs, attorneys with alternate fee agreements, bartering (depending on the state), and other ways to get quality legal advice, in-person, and accessible to you financially.

• Lastly, for everyone who sends me emails/texts/IMs telling me about your love of the law, I do appreciate that. And, I do appreciate the enthusiasm for your dreams and ambitions. I am not trying to squelch those dreams, believe me, but there are some harsh realities based upon the follow-up questions/statements that invariably arise. Such as:
• "I love the law. How do I become a lawyer?", " What's it like", "I'm thinking about going to law-school", etc. 
• To that end, this 5 minute video will explain it far better than my failing words could ever convey.

 

via Wahoo Corner's brilliance.

"I do not like my BlackBerry..."

Sorry I had to lay that on the 80,000 of you who have not asked for legal advice; from a complete stranger (and a creepy one at that); who's demonstrable niches are sexual innuendo, raging leftism, far too many songs in his repertoire, and juvenile humor; all via a yahoo email account. (srsly?!)

That said, dick jokes to resume shortly. And, thank you for your patience (CYA, and all that).

-d.s.

* * *

* Proper version is as follows, in case there were any doubts that this is a professional site (hint: It's not). This web site contains general information, on occasion, for the general public. Nothing contained herein is intended as legal advice. You should neither act nor refrain from acting based on information obtained from this site. None of the information contained herein is privileged or confidential. The information contained herein is is not necessarily reflective of my personal opinions, nor those of my clients, co-counsel or firm. Finally, no form of electronic communication you send creates, or shall create, an attorney-client relationship. An attorney-client relationship must be via a written, signed agreement expressly creating the same. -EJE (<-- yes, I realize you can totally stalk me, but it's not like I'm hiding, or anything. Hell, I even put my picture up there.).

Tuesday, full on in the grind...

...And, plagued by migraines, but that's neither here nor there...

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Expect Delays...

I am in the process of meddling with the Style Sheets, preparing to migrate the site, and --to my eternal relief-- getting an external editor instead of this damned web-based editor (not that it's bad for a web editor, but...).

Anyway, things may be buggy for a day or so. Until then, be glad you're not ferrying this Titanic.


D.S.



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Killing One Human Being is Killing Humanity as a Whole...

No snark, pithiness, or asshole commentary. Seriously, just an excerpt of the Turkish ambassador's speech to the UN Security Counsel yesterday, in the wake of Israel's murderous piracy in international waters. I am just as sick to my stomach as humanly possibly.

The full speech is available at Ankara's paper of record, The Hurriyet Daily:

Mr. President,
I appear before you today as a result of a very sad and tragic occasion where one state member of this august house has committed a serious crime in total disregard of all the values we have vowed to uphold since the establishment of the United Nations system.

I am distraught by the fact that the Israeli Defense Forces stormed a multinational, civilian endeavor carrying humanitarian aid to Gaza in international waters, 72 nautical miles off the coast to be exact, killing and wounding many civilians. This action was uncalled for. Israeli actions constitute a grave breach of international law.

In simpler terms, this is tantamount to banditry and piracy. It is murder conducted by a state. It has no excuses, no justification whatsoever. A nation state that follows this path has lost its legitimacy as a respectful member of the international community.

The multinational civilian flotilla composed of a few ships and a total of around 600 people from 32 countries, carrying humanitarian aid to impoverished Gaza was unlawfully ambushed early today. The sole aim of this civilian mission was to provide much needed relief to the children of occupied Gaza who have been under illegal and inhumane Israeli blockade for years. The ships were hardly a threat to the State of Israel or any other state for that matter. Humanitarian aid was on its way to children who have been stripped of their opportunities to live as children and enjoy all the basic amenities that your and our children take for granted. These children do not know where their next meal is coming from. They either have no shelter or live in extremely deprived conditions. They receive no education; they have no future where they can contribute to a peaceful and stable Palestine and region.

Mr. President,
The ships carry amenities and facilities such as playgrounds that would remind the children of their childhoods. They carry very basic needs like cancer medication and powder milk to enhance child growth and health in the absence of milk proper. The international community has been a witness to this humanitarian tragedy for years, failing to act. And today this is where we are. Today we have observed through live coverage an act of barbarism where provision of humanitarian aid has been punished through aggression in high seas, 72 miles from international waters. Today many humanitarian aid workers return in bodybags. And Israel has blood on its hands. This is not off the coast of Somalia or in the archipelagos of the Far East where piracy is still a phenomenon. This is the Mediterranean where such acts are not the norm. This is where we need common sense. This is where civilization has emerged and flourished and where the Abrahamic religions took root. These are religions that preach peace and teach us to extend our hands when others are in need.

Fuck Israel, fuck the Likud, fuck the bankrupt and immoral occupancy of the West Bank, fuck the immoral and bankrupt blockade, and fuck Washington for coddling this state sponsor of terror and band of pirating, war criminals. Shame on you all.





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Tuesday is teetering on the edge of global war...

So, let's sit back with some popcorn, mock our foolishness, and lament what could have been had the human race not been kidnapped by the idiocy of provincial desert gods three millenia ago...

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Five Things Canada Should Apologize For...

 Hey buddy, fuck you coming and going.

I'm still pissed at Les Habitants, so, I think it's only fair that I should take a dump on America's Hat. Please know that I love you all, and, as soon as the Blackhawks destroy you in the Stanley Cup Finals, all will be forgiven. In the meanwhile, sorry Leanne, Jackie, Monkey, etc...

1. Pop Punk

While our friends in the great white north didn't invent this genre (nor, for that matter, popularize it), they sure as hell did master it. The result is a tapioca confection of fluff that lacks all aggression associated with punk, and features musicians as generally amiable as Americans are rude. Worse than Celine Dion in its inanity, worse than Hoobastank and Blink 182 in its formulaic anti-music, Canadian Pop Punk is the taint of the contemporary musical world.

If they make brain bleach, now is great time to reach for the jug....

2.  William Shatner

I know that many people disagree with this, but William Shatner is just an abortion of an actor. Some folks make a quick buck, or have their 15 minutes, based upon pure schlock and camp. But, hell, Shatner has made a fifty year career based upon tri-syllabic, hammy, overacted, cheesy horseshit. Doing nothing more than proclaiming that he's a ladykiller, Shatner has made an art and science of cashing in on mediocrity and the incredibly poor tastes of Americans.

Sadly, this fight scene is most authentic thing that Shatner has ever done.

3. Don Cherry

While Shatner has made a career by being god-awful, and Pop Punk has made a career by preying on newly-pubescent girls, Canada's broadcasting "legend" Don Cherry has made a career by A) dressing shitty and loudly, B) and providing sexist, xenophobic, pseudo-nationalistic rants against all other nationalities and persons except Canadian hockey players and Canadian soldiers. Russians? Fuck 'em. Europeans? Fuck 'em. Americans? Dirty slow bastards. Women? Get in the kitchen. Just picking one or two at random, here you go, and, apparently Canadians love it:

Always women, yapping away...

Crazier than a damned sack full of weasels...

4. Alberta, especially its tar sands

What do you get if you take the American out of Wyoming, throw in a shitload of cold, methed-up yokels, and then add the worst ongoing environmental catastrophe in North America? Alberta: Canada's version of a frozen Texas. Alberta is, frankly, nothing but "cowboys", oil workers, and miles upon miles of gas fields and industrial detritus. Two parts Midwest, one part redneck, all asshat. It would figure that given BC's natural beauty, it has to be balanced out by Alberta's give-not-one-shit attitude towards the environment. Think I'm joking? Ever heard of "tar sands"? One of the hardest-to-extract, polluting sources of nasty energy on the planet? Shit, you might as well eat some Spotted Owls during your lunch break at the coal-fired, mountain removal mine.

Unsurprisingly, Alberta also manufactures the environmental nightmare known as Hybrid Batteries.

5. WTF? They're babies!!!

The worst offense of Canada though is its continued slaughter of baby Harp Seals. Harp seals are noted the world-over for being one of the most gentle, trusting, playful, and generally cute animals in the Northern Hemisphere...

If you put "cute" in the dictionary, this is Exhibit A.

These creatures are currently being slaughtered at a rate that would make the American Buffalo blush...last year in Canada 270,000 of these animals were murdered for purely commercial reasons. The "sustainable rate", that is, how many could be killed without adversely impacting the population and reproductive success was 165,000. And, as documented by conservation agencies, over 60,000 pups have been killed this year...just for the fuck of it...They weren't even used for food or fur; their dead bodies were just tossed back into the ocean.

The destruction of the harp seal is the greatest marine extermination in history...and it goes on every year, sanctioned by law, by the nation of Canada.

If you needed just one reason to hate Canada, or require that country to apologize to the world, then this alone is it. Oh Canada....fuck you.

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Oh noez! Down go the flightless, Antarctic birds...

T

The only thing that makes Penguins sadder than global warming is losing in the second round of the playoffs.

Alas, and alack, my beloved Penguins lost last night 5-2, to the Montreal Canadiens (Les Habitants), thus losing the series 4 games to 3. It is the first time in 3 years the Pens aren't advancing to the Cup Finals. And I am a very mopey Shadow today.

Montreal, probably celebrating another stupid Penguins turnover that led to an easy goal.

As much as I want to curse Matt Cooke for taking stupid penalties, or Malkin and Crosby for disappearing, for Leopold, Dupuis, Talbot, Kennedy and Staal for going MIA, Gonchar for his tissue-soft defense, I have to give ultimate praise to the Habs who played their ass off: Gill and Subban, who shut down our scoring line; Cammaleri, who was unstoppable; and Halak, who made great save after great save.

Which, of course, brings me to my greatest criticism. Our flaky goalie, Mark-Andre Fleury. This kid is an enigma, and you never know what you're going to get. Are you getting the Game 5 Fleury who stoned everything in his path? Maybe. However, during this series, you were more apt to see the softest, pansiest goals that just squibbled in because of his lack of concentration; including three more last night. 

W

Pictured: Wide open Fleury, with a slow-rolling puck that defied physics and got behind him...

 The Vancouver Canucks lamented their shitty goal-tending by posting a Craigslist ad putting Luongo up for sale, I think, with minimal modification, it can be used here:

“Sulking, belligerent and grossly over-rated goaltender who can’t stop a beach ball, seeks new gig... Goalie will play for hair gel and $7.5 million. I will be golfing tomorrow and every day for quite some time. You can still reach me on my hotline: Mark 1-MAF-SUKD.”

Of course, no one accuses Mark of being a bad teammate, or a poison in the locker room, but he was vastly outplayed this series, and, like Tom Barrasso before him, you never know if you'll get brilliance (e.g., enough net-minding to win the Cup), or average, regular season performances. And, in the end, that's just not enough...especially when our best scorers decide that they want to take an entire series off and put too much pressure on MAF to be brilliant.

A young Mark-Andre Fleury prepares for his goalie practice...

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Thursday hopes last night was a bad dream...

The Penguins were not the "First of the Gang to Die", but the way the Penguins went out, they might as well have been. Sigh.

Lost the series 4-3, and the game 5-2. 

Sometimes you just need to get your mope on. Thank God for Morrissey.

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Poor Canucks (poor Monkey): The Jeremiads

For those disinclined to the greatest playoff spectacle on Earth, the Stanley Cup, read no more. Otherwise, enjoy (?) the lamentations of Vancouver...

_________________

What a friggin' meltdown last night by the Vancouver Canucks, the MonkeyGirl's Second City, and her adopted NHL franchise. To call it a choke job, heartless, soft hockey would be not only too easy, but too kind by half.

And the fans, Jesus, they just cemented their status as the NHL's worst...nouveau riche d'bags with no real attachment to the game, much less the team.

Glad to see that the fans also can't hit a wide-open shot.

The meltdowns are in full-scale apocalypse mode this morning:

My thoughts on that beer and the money given to Luongo, what a waste. But now that the Canucks are done Sami Salo can rest his devastated testicles

i live in vancouver, i still remember we were calling out the hawks in first round playoff. I was think what happen if they beat us again. i guess we just got what we deserve. When our "home" team lost all 3 "home" games. I can't find a damn word to express my feeling.  

I'd like to see you stay until the end of that if it was your team. I couldn't even stay in the bar until the end of the 3rd, I got fed up waiting for my server and went straight up to the till so I could get out before the final horn. No words really to describe this right now. I suppose I should be happy that I can spend my evenings on the beach instead of inside watching TV. In every sense except hockey I'm glad I live in Vancouver. 

Call me a bandwagon or not true fan or whatever but I’m done being kicked in the balls rooting for my hapless teams.

Not his fault….SHG. SH f*^king G. I don’t care who is out there in front of him but handling a breakout like that is his goddamn business. My Luongo jersey is moving to a very deep and dark place for a very long time.

My thoughts on who's the biggest goatfucker tonite:

1: Pavol Demitra. You useless bag of no try antiwin
2: Bieksa before that fat cheap shot fuck injured Edler (although he was pretty good after)
3: Luongo for goal 4 and 5. Way to suck the life out of a comeback. Assmonkey
4: Alain Vigneault for not dressing the 7th defenseman knowing salo was half.

Unlike others who attempt to wish our adversaries well – I hope they suffer devastating injuries that ruin the rest of their short (and poorly paid) careers, develop rare and extremely serious diseases for which there is no cure (or at least have many attempts that continually fall short), and ultimately be given ice cream while in the hospital that gives them food poisoning that leads to surgery removing most of their intestines and leaves them with a colostomy bag for the rest of their lives.

Every single fucking season. This team does not elevate their play in the playoffs. Every season. 3 of those goals should not have been let in by Lu. Lu stops those like he is supposed to, and its 2-1. But I can’t even blame him for this loss. If it wasn’t for him it would be 8-1 by now. Ive said it before, and I’ll say it again. This team does not elevate their play during the playoffs. WHY? Is it only to torment me? Wellfed is the only one who showed up to play hockey today. Fuck our lives. Another year down the drain, because highly paid athletes that are supposed to have learned from last year, cannot wake the fuck up and play like they want it.

Maybe it’s the alcohol, maybe it’s the years of this, but I’m no longer depressed. What has happened to me!?

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Always repeat.

 

 Yep, pretty much like this...all series. Here's to next year...

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You do NOT want to be this poor bastard...

P

Meatballs...for no reason, really...

Via the UK's Mirror, comes this cautionary tale about --HOLY HELL-- the worst possible way to fucking kill yourself. Ever.

A window cleaner died after stabbing himself in the groin repeatedly with a jumbo souvenir pencil, an inquest heard.

Jeffrey Burton’s family and friends were baffled by his bizarre death, which was recorded as an open verdict because there was no evidence he was trying to commit suicide.

Mr Burton, 57, was found by police in a blood-soaked room in his house in St Leonards, East Sussex, on September 27.

 The coroner gets extra pain points for this line: “It seems to me that it can’t have been a single stab wound. He seems to have worked on it. The pencil was blunt.”

That's right. He stabbed himself to death. In the balls. With a giant fucking pencil you get at schmaltzy places for souveneirs.

O

Yea, one of THESE...

Chalk this up as the most painful way to die that I could ever imagine. This is the testicular version of staking a vampire, but --owing to the location of the stake-- far, far worst. At least a stake to the heart kills pretty much instantly.

As the Inquest magistrate so blithely, if not wittily, commented: "It’s a mystery to me. If you were choosing to take your own life, that’s not the way you would do it."

Pretty much my reaction to this story...

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