You do NOT want to be this poor bastard...

P

Meatballs...for no reason, really...

Via the UK's Mirror, comes this cautionary tale about --HOLY HELL-- the worst possible way to fucking kill yourself. Ever.

A window cleaner died after stabbing himself in the groin repeatedly with a jumbo souvenir pencil, an inquest heard.

Jeffrey Burton’s family and friends were baffled by his bizarre death, which was recorded as an open verdict because there was no evidence he was trying to commit suicide.

Mr Burton, 57, was found by police in a blood-soaked room in his house in St Leonards, East Sussex, on September 27.

 The coroner gets extra pain points for this line: “It seems to me that it can’t have been a single stab wound. He seems to have worked on it. The pencil was blunt.”

That's right. He stabbed himself to death. In the balls. With a giant fucking pencil you get at schmaltzy places for souveneirs.

O

Yea, one of THESE...

Chalk this up as the most painful way to die that I could ever imagine. This is the testicular version of staking a vampire, but --owing to the location of the stake-- far, far worst. At least a stake to the heart kills pretty much instantly.

As the Inquest magistrate so blithely, if not wittily, commented: "It’s a mystery to me. If you were choosing to take your own life, that’s not the way you would do it."

Pretty much my reaction to this story...

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