Real Life Today, Kids.

And, by real life, I mean #3 Alabama v. #9 LSU. Off to the grocery store and then pre-game cooking/cleaning....

Roll Tide, Playa...and say a continued prayer for my liver

Speaking of awkward for everyone...

I collect tales of esoterica and in turn -out of pique or genuine fascination- share them with you. One subset has always amazed me, the very bizarre, but true, deaths of people. Like

• Greek philosopher Chrysippus, who died laughing while watching his donkey eat grapes.
• Good ole' Crassus whom the Parthians made to ingest molten gold  for his brazen attack on otherwise-peaceful lands
• Sir Arthur Alston, who was beaten to death with his own wooden leg.
• George Plantagenet, the 1st Duke of Clarence, who was drowned in a cask of wine...at his request.
• Jim Creighton, baseball player from antiquity who died after taking a massive swinging miss...and ruptured his bladder.
• The author Sherwood Anderson who swallowed a toothpick, puncturng his stomach and causing fatal infection.

But this one just plain takes the cake in terms of lacking dignity: Hippos, dwarfs, trampolines. It is the ultimate "fuck you" from life to this poor man...

Really, Life, wasn't beeing a dwarf enough?

Japanese Homoerotic Nutcrusher Doritos...

Seriously, I have no idea what the hell is going on in Japan. After the lolita/amputee sex toy catalog, the man thong, the "girlfriend lap pillow" they give us this?

I don't know what's in that bag, but I'm not going to be eating them.

More fun with flowcharts: Pagan Hierarchy

You must click this. Simply hilarious.

From SeaPagan. 

Friday Knows It's Been A While...

Hell, it's been a while for everything related to my fading humanity.

Let me tell you a very sad, sweet and all-too true story....

 

Listen to this as you read...

Once upon a time, the first time in fact, I was dying of cancer. I had just been diagnosed with a cancer with a 30% survivability rate. Ordinarily, these things don't respond to surgical intervention. Nevertheless I opted to give it a shot, and quickly, since it was so damned invasive. And I thought I went it alone...

At the time, I was fresh out of school, had a new child to provide for, one who could barely speak, and I doubted I would ever know. I had a wife; one who was hostile for reasons that I suspected, but only later were verified.*  I was working a shit job tending bar at a French restaurant. It was a fun job: I had great friends, with no sense of fecklessness, and met others like me...at the Kings Cross of Life. One of the things we loved to do was to go an artsy Jazz club, which -twice a week- played indie/goth/metal music. And there have been few times in my life that I've had more fun. Until my world crumbled around me....

I found out I had cancer on August 5th of that year, and decided to have the fastest surgery possible, which was scheduled for August 8th. I spend August 6th crying to those who would not listen, or those who would not care. But then came August 7th. My birthday. Gratefully, two of my friends, the Ballerinas coaxed me out.  I met them at the place we worked, and they smiled as they hopped in my car. Both gave me hugs that I thought would break my ribs, and tears were drying on their face. Then they gave me a CD from a local band who I did (and still) respect a great deal...which is hard to do in Montgomery, Alabama. And Blond Ballerina said that she had another present to give me...I opened the flapping package, and it was a black t-shirt that read "Sleep with me before I die". And we all cried together.

But, my Birthday/impending death day was only half over.

We went to said Artsy Jazz club, but the club had been closed. However, we got inside, and everything, literally everything had been blacked out or was black: the windows, bar lights, back doors, floors, wallpaper, beverage napkins, plastic glasses, vodka, the clothing on the select patrons and bartender. And, the sign above the bar read "Happy Birthday Shadow: We love you and believe in you"

I have rarely wept as hard as I did then. And I hugged and spoke to every single person there, some old friends, some new acquaintances, and others there by reputation alone. It was divine. To no longer be alone, to face death with equinamity and poise and joy. And it still wasn't over.

Later that night, the Ballerinas led me to a bed, and we danced and cried and made love as more than humans, as souls reaching out in sadness and pain and hope. We cried and laughed as though there were no tomorrow. For any of us. And while a troika sounds perverse or at least non-normative, I can't think of a single thing that meant more to me at that time

And everything I did, everything we did, we did it all to this song. And I never said it, but I say it now: Thank you, you saved my life.



*It's ok. We understand one another now. And, the above is not new to either of us.

Alabama-LSU week: One Hitta' Quitta'

Phenomenal. This makes me want to run through a damned brick wall...now.

V reminds you that it's all a lie...

Remember, remember the fifth of November,

The gunpowder treason and plot,

I know of no reason

Why the gunpowder treason

Should ever be forgot.

"Strength through Unity, Unity through Faith"... There's a reason Moore used that phrase in "V"

Guy Fawkes day is here upon us again. For those that don't know the official story, Guy and his confederates attempted to blow up Parliament whilst it was opening its session at the Palace of Westminster, thus displacing the King and the King's lackeys in Parliament. This was known as the "Gunpowder Plot".

Distrust everything your government tells you about the word/will of God and the nation's exceptionalism in the eyes of a creator.

While it is the latter actions which are revered by anarchists, and celebrated by the far left, it's the intentions that need to be looked at. The Gunpowder Plot was only nominally a political dispute, rather it was very much a religious by-blow of the Reformation.  Fawkes and his co-religionist Catholics were  protesting the heinous treatment being given to them by the neo-Calvinist protestants who then governed England (think Pilgrims...a more stultifying instance of Christianity has yet to be articulated). 

Well, the King escaped that evening of Nov. 5th, 1605, and the conspirators captured. They were, predictably tortured until confession, at which point they were taken to the square and drawn, quartered and hanged. For some ghastly reason, the British now celebrate this evening with fireworks, not for the indomitable spirit of man, but -for all fucking reasons, the escape of the King. 

In fact, trust nothing.

Today's Hot Nerd: Chobot Redux

Way back on April 1st, we visited the inimitable Jessica Chobot, and, I felt that she was definitely worth a return visit. Enjoy.

Working the Nurse oufit...not a whole lot to the imagination here.

 

Reprising the GTA IV chica...pretty damned convincingly too.

 

This is my favorite picture ever...It will not get better than this from her...

Finally, "Das Gamer" presents Jessica Chobot hanging out in bed with two Penthouse Pets. Lingerie pillow fights not included. 

Thursday's Spiraling into Shapes of Despair

müzik - shape of despair - sleep mirrored |
izlesene.com

Shape of Despair, funeral doom for the truly bleak and lububrious. I recommend also the excellent tracks "How Quiet These Paintings Are" and "Angel of Distress"

Yea! That'll teach 'em

The fuck'n FDA with their Marlboro-sponsored ban on Kreteks (cloves) were supposed to kill the 2.4$B Indonesian import business. But, no more my friends. The good folks at Kretek Int'l have gotten around that by introducing the the clove cigar. Vive the WTO!

To the left is the Djarum Black clove cigar, to the right is the Djarum Black clove cigarette. See, totally different. Fucking FDA, fucking do-gooder liberal democrats*

*Please note, I vote left, but that in no way makes me a squishy limousine liberal who'd rather ban tasty smokes than, I don't know, tackle health care, Iraq, Afghanistan, energy independence, green markets, sustainable growth, the economy, the trillions in post-Bush deficits, student loan reform, housing reform, human rights initiatives, bailouts to those companies and industries which apparently hate us all, and, last but not least, restoring the Constitutional rule of law <-- Rant over.

You know, because they're the EXACT SAME

Worldclass fuckface Glenn Beck shamelessly exploiting 9/11 for, of all things, opposition to Health Care Reform. WTF? Truly a deranged, debased peice of shit here, people.

In the overkill department...

Hmmmm. Crucifixion is always an option....

 

Or flogging, then beheading....

I don't believe that the death penalty is an effective deterrent, but damn. Just damn...

A Saudi court has ratified the beheading of a young man who raped five children, among them a three-year-old boy left to die in the desert, with his body to be mounted on a cross and his head stuck on a pole after he is killed...."He will be beheaded by sword then his body tied to a wooden cross and his head stuck on a pole as a deterrent to other would-be killers.

 

I've got it: How about flogging, then crucifixion, then beheading, then dismemberment? Perfect.

Jisei meditations

Sick on a journey--
in my dream staggering
over withered fields.

 

Matsuo Basho (1696)

Empty-handed I entered
the world
Barefoot I leave it.
My coming, my going --
Two simple happenings
That got entangled.

Kozan Ichikyo (1360)

 
Like dew drops
on a lotus leaf
I vanish.

Senryu (1827)

Cicada shell:  

little did I know

it was my life

Shuho (1785)

Wednesday: Yuletide Dreaming...

I know what I'm doing for Christmas; I'm gonna' spend it with a Dalek. And you?

Feeling dorky today...

But that's okay, because at least I will never pwned like Mr. Buzzlightyear here. Listen esp for :32 in...Dalek is clearly tired of this schmuck.

If anyone feels like a generous benefactor, I'd love this new Dalek :)

Today's Hot Nerd: Sexy Daleks

So I am a big ole' Dr. Who nerd, the iconic British show that has now haunted the British Isles (and, fortunately, beyond) since 1963. Among my favorite characters are the Daleks (EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE!!!). I see I am not alone, as there are a trio of Australian lasses who have just owned the concept of sexy galactic evil....

 That is one way (short of levitation) to get around as a post-Davros Dalek.

 

 The only thing slightly distracting is that they are carrying around their eyestalk plunger. It's a pretty small complaint mind you....

 

This by far is my favorite. Come on, Doctor, you -of all people surely- realize that everything has its time....

For more on the "Dalek Girls" check out their LiveJournal. I recommend Mark Juddery's excellent Mental Floss article on the "Five Ways that Dr. Who has Made a Difference."

Can you find a better tattoo than this?

I can't think of anything cooler than this lil' number. Note the haughty prancing of the My Lil' Pony, the way that Wolvie's musculature strains to keep his proud steed in line, and the stars encircling the mutant's head, like harbingers of awesomeness.

Tuesday Eurotrash: Oi! Oi! Oi!

Cockney Rejects discussing their favorite topics in Oi! Oi! Oi!: Street fightin, football hooliganism, and skin girls. Please note that at this time (in 1977) 'Skins were not white supremacist pieces of shit, but rather were just a disaffected urban movement encompassing botht white hooldums and Jamaicans (a/k/a Rude Boys). Ergo, do your research before the email death threats, m'kay?

Bizarre, criminal and quite frankly frightening....

This unhappy little Jeremiad from Tampa reveals the truly dark side of the Scientology cult: hunting down and imprisoning apostates, forced labor, terrorizing, humiliating, the whole gamut that went out with Pope Urban's auto de fe.Well worth the read and the view....

Tom Cruise, your dirty little secret is out...Wanna' come sic Xenu on me?

You do go to hell for this...

Just a reminder that Craigslist is more than a place to hookup for furry orgies, find gypsy contractors and browse through pics and going rates of underage hookers, it also provides you with an outlet to hunt down a double amputee and exploit them for your Halloween parties.

Click to John Holmes this...

And, while inestimably funny, you do go to hell, directly to hell, for thinking of this.

Via Geekstir.

Got a problem? Flowcharts can help...

In this world, there are just simply too many options, and very often it's difficult to navigate through several decision trees to decide what to do, what not to do and how to begin to make it better. Good thing the Hey Jude flowchart is here to help.

See, don't you feel better already?

Monday's Back to Business: Punishment

Seminal "existence is punishment" by the N'awlins Southern Sludge Rockers, Crowbar. Enjoy

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

Daylight Savings Time has me more confused than Bono attending the Tory Convention last week. Anyway, enjoy this classic from when U2 didn't suck.