Nature needs no photoshopping...

This is just sublime...I dare you to find something cooler than this.

 

Tired of lazy infants? Me too....

Slacker...

Many of you may have experienced the joys of having a new one in your life. Babies are undeniably cute and they do all sorts of things to amuse us. However, none of their skills translate very well to the real world: Gurgling, cooing, drooling, smiling and banshee-laughter may be entertaining, but they just aren't pulling their weight around the house. Do they mop, sweep, do dishes, clean up their vomit and feces? Decidedly not...

See, "there's always the temptation to say 'Yes, it's cute, but what can it do'"...I'm not the only one with this profound question.

Leave it to our friends in Japan to think of an excellent way to exploit all of that excess energy from your slacking child: The BabyMop.  With the Baby Mop, you put your little bundle of freeloading into a jumper outfitted with dusting pallettes. Then, when your crawling need-machine takes off, at least they're pulling their weight around the house.

 No more endless explorations around the living room, with absolutely no sense of accomplishment or purpose. Now, your kid has a purpose, and it's the same as yours...a job!

 

 As an added bonus, you'll find your mommy loves you more...

Again, Japan, good job [Slow Clap] 

Saturday is never drinking again....

But, that's what we always say. Nevertheless, I am comfortable stating that I won't be doing that shit again. Ever. I have not been as drunk as I was on Thursday for very, very many years.

Drink up, and chase away everything with "Margarita-ville"

Today is a national Holiday...Roll Tide

A sea of crimson...

Today, the University of Alabama goes for its 13th national title against the Texas Longhorns. I am a two-time alumnus of the Capstone, and will be drinking and cooking and gearing up for this through the balance of the day. There are so very very many things that could be said about this one, but I think OTS's writeup at RBR is close to what I'm feeling....

On a personal level, it's such mixed emotions that it is hard to even single out any one feeling. It's one big bag of hope, excitement, intrigue, fear, and anxiety all somehow mixed together, ultimately yielding some indescribable feeling. You know that today could bring about the highest of highs or the lowest of lows, and it's all just a mixed array of emotions.

Just like this...only with booze and food

For those more inclined to the sanguine and reasoned analysis, none is better than TideFan's breakdown of the game. I;m not going to copy and paste all of their content...go visit them. But, here's an excerpt.

When the clock wound down on the 2007 Independence Bowl, a game Alabama won to put itself at 7-6 in Nick Saban’s first year at the Capstone, it’s a good bet that if you floated the idea of a national championship run two years later, only the most perennially optimistic fans would have thought it likely.

Alabama seemingly had so very far to go. The Tide wasn’t a tough team, its ranks were still dotted with players accustomed to the Mike Shula way of doing things and Alabama was decidedly looking up – way, way up – at Florida and LSU.

What a difference these last two years have made. Now Alabama is standing four quarters away from its 13th national championship. But to get there, the Crimson Tide will have to defeat a team it has never beaten before, despite having eight shots at it.

Texas doesn’t so much arrive at this game as it does careen sideways into the spot following a near-miss win over Nebraska in the Big 12 Championship Game. The manner in which Texas won that game has created a media-driven, David-vs.-Goliath setup that Saban has already bemoaned in several interviews.

The fact is, this will be the best offensive team – at least through the air – that Alabama has seen this year. But the real issue is the Texas defense. Pundits quick to award Alabama a runaway victory have overlooked the fact that Texas managed to put up good pass defense numbers even in the pass-happy Big 12, and recorded the No. 3 ranking in total defense at the same time.

This will probably shake out to be a close game, won in the fourth quarter.

So, ladies and gentlemen, let's do this. Tomorrow I will either be very happy man, or in desultory moaning. This is Alabama football.

 

In the words of the man "Keep your heads up...act like a champion"

Thursday will always have Regrets

Feeling too good about your existence? Want to go back in time and change things? Sure you do...it's called Regret. And Anathema has your fix....

Lyrics go now:

As I drift away... far away from you,
I feel all alone in a crowded room,
Thinking to myself
"There's no escape from this
fear
regret
loneliness..."

Visions of love and hate
A collage behind my eyes
Remnants of dying laughter
Echoes of silent cries

I wish I didn't know now what
I never knew then...
Flashback
Memories punish me once again
Sometimes I remember all the pain
that I have seen.
Sometimes I wonder what might
have been...

Visions of love and hate
A collage behind my eyes
Remnants of dying laughter
Echoes of silent cries

And sometimes I despair
At who I've become
I have to come to terms
With what I've done

The bittersweet taste of fate
We can't outrun the past
Destined to find an answer
A strength I never lost
I know there is a way,
My future is not set,
For the tide has turned
But still I never learned to live
without regret.

Why didn't I think of this?

From Networked Blogs comes this little hint on how to be truly passive aggressive to your neighbors, whose conduct sucks. Being a dick just went WiFi, baby...

Mine would be very close to this except it would read, "HeyAholein311stopchoppinuphookersat10everynight"

 

Another good one would be, "WTFdoesthisplaceallowcats"

 

Propitiating the Football Gods

Over at RollBamaRoll, the SBN site for Alabama athletics, we make offerings to the football gods with our tales of personal shortcomings. The bigger the game, the bigger the offering. Below follows my very extensive admission.

Go visit them...pay homage.

Act One. When I was a professional musician, I had a penchant for substances (illicit, taxed or otherwise), and trashy, hot women. One such gal had just graduated high school, and we worked together in Northport. She was drop dead beautiful, and I wanted nothing more than to get in her pants. For months, I literally begged, and talked so much shit about what a great lover I was, and how I would rock her world, etc. Eventually my charms, and plying her with smoke and booze, paid off and she agreed to come to one of my band’s hunch punch parties. I was off that night, but she had to work, so she told me to go chill and she’d meet me around 11. I got bored waiting around, and headed out there around 8 at night. Needless to say, by 11:30 when she got there, I had been drinking PGA (and eating barbecue) for nigh on four hours. I was a sloppy drunk mess. She pounded down a few drinks, and started getting randy, so we went to the bushes, behind the cars and trucks, and started making out. I was in heaven, because I just knew I was about to score with a chick that looked like Jennifer Garner. I was kissing my way down her blouse and stomach, and then started kissing the inside of her legs (which were in pantyhose), when -without warning- I proceeded to hurl the entire mess of cherry Kool Aid, PGA, and pork sandwiches on her mons de amour. Naturally, the pantyhose acted as a sieve, and…well, your imagination can take it from there. Then I passed out in her thighs, face in a puddle of vomit.

This does not mix with barbecued pork...or sex.

Act Two. We did work together, so the next day, I had to pay the piper, and I don’t think there’s every been a more contrite apology issued. She was so pissed for about a week she didn’t speak to me. But, she eventually relented, and we resumed our flirting, and she agreed to give me another chance. She told me to meet her at her parents house out by Lake Tuscaloosa, and we could go hottubbing. I was again elated, because “tubbing” is shorthand for sex, obviously. We got in the tub on a majestic November night, and started smoking up and drinking screwdrivers. It really was a damned pleasant evening. She then invited me upstairs to go “dry off and get wet”, and I about creamed myself. Eagerly I followed her to the master bathroom, where we had shed clothing. She was sitting on the sink, and I had just started the act, when she starts gasping and crying out, and I was grinning thinking to myself “Damn, you are good”…then she looked up, half blue in the face, and choked out the words “asthma.attack.” I threw her in a bathrobe, threw one on myself and rushed her to DCH. While I was explaining what happened to the cops, who should show up? Her very pissed off parents, wondering why their daughter was naked, and why I was wearing Mom’s bathrobe from the lakehouse?

Asthma can be sexy...

Act 3. Soooo. Girl is really pissed now, and didn’t speak to me for a month (likely b/c of her parents). And, we went our separate ways, when she told me she was moving, and wouldn’t tell me where or give me her digits. I thought I was screwed forever. Flash forward a year and a half later, and I saw her on campus…she had gone to MUW for a year, then went to Alabama. She had grown up a bit, and I had too, so we put all the past behind us, and went to go have drinks at my apartment, which i shared with my brother at the time. I knew he was there, but I didn’t know where he was lurking. Anyway, she and I had a couple of pops and she said, let’s do this. So, free from the ghosts, we then went to my room, and started to have sex. During a quieter moment, she stopped, and looked at me funny and said “what the F is that noise”? I paused and then listened, and I could definitely hear a “hmmmmmmmmm” noise coming from the cracked bathroom door. I jumped up, ran to the door, and who was there? My brother watching this chick bang me. That “hmmmmmm”? His ..ummm…vibrating male pleasuring device. She screamed at me, calling us perverts, grabbed her clothes, and left. And I kicked my brother’s ass…

No reason for this...

 

Coda al fin. Flashforward two more years. I was in grad school, she was graduating. We had the same major, so we had a couple of classes in the past and ran into each other at Palmer a lot. But, we didn’t really talk (can you blame her?!). One afternoon she ran into me, and asked if she could bum a smoke. We hit up a little conversation, and agreed to meet after the game that weekend. After a DuBose loss to Arkansas, spirits were kind of low, but we soldiered on for drinks at the Houndstooth. After a few she said, “fuck it…let’s do this”. so, we proceeded to have sad, post-loss coitus. And it sucked. It was just bad loving. And she called me out with the following words “that was so bad…and so short…and, I just want you to know, that your brother has a much bigger d*** than you”. She kicked me out of her apartment and I’ve never seen her since.

Are you serious? Really?

Please gods, I have propitiated with premature ejaculation, sex fail, penis envy and liquor stupidity: That has to be worth something?! Roll Tide

Happy Mark Ingram Day!

Soph. RB, Mark Ingram. Bulwark of the #1 University of Alabama Crimson Tide and 75th winner of the Heisman Trophy.

Proclamation
By the Governor of Alabama

WHEREAS, it is with great pride that the State of Alabama recognizes Alabama running back Mark Ingram for his successful 2009 football season; and

WHEREAS, a Michigan native, Mark Ingram was rated the sixth-best player in Michigan high school football in 2007. He ran for 1,700 yards and 24 touchdowns his senior season at Flint Southwestern Academy; and

WHEREAS, during his freshman year at the University of Alabama, Mark Ingram set the Alabama freshman school record with a team-high 12 touchdowns; and

WHEREAS, during the 2009 Alabama football season, Mark Ingram averaged 118.6 yards rushing per game and 6.2 yards per carry while catching 30 passes out of the backfield for 322 yards and three touchdowns. He compiled 1,864 all-purpose yards and 18 touchdowns. He shattered the Alabama single-season rushing record previously held by Bobby Humphrey in 1987; and

WHEREAS, Mark's leadership help lead the Crimson Tide to a 32-13 win over the Florida Gators to capture the 2009 SEC Championship; and

WHEREAS, On December 12, 2009, Mark Ingram became the first Alabama football player to win the prestigious Heisman Trophy; and

WHEREAS, Mark Ingram is the 40th running back to ever win the Heisman Trophy, but just the eighth since 1985; and

WHEREAS, Alabama fans across the state and nation will be cheering for Mark Ingram and the rest of the Crimson Tide football team on Thursday, January 7 during the BCS National Championship Game in California:

NOW, THEREFORE, I, Bob Riley, Governor of Alabama, do hereby proclaim Wednesday, January 6, 2010, as

Mark Ingram Day in the State of Alabama.

Given Under My Hand and the Great Seal of the Office of the Governor at the State Capitol in the City of Montgomery on the 5th day of January 2010.

Governor Bob Riley

Roll Tide kids; tomorrow is the national championship game vs. the University of Texas Longhorns.

Tuesday's Winter Born

Or, at the least, winter-bound. More snow. More sub-zeroes. Today the opus is going to start going up, as well as an embarrassing admission to curry favor with the football gods. Stay warm.

Lyrics go now:

And in the fury of this darkest hour
we will be your light
you've asked me for my sacrifice
and I am Winter born
without denying, a faith is come
that I have never known
I hear the angels call my name
and I am Winter born

Hold your head up high
For there is no greater love
Think of the faces of the people you defend
And promise me, they will never see
The tears within our eyes (My eyes are closed)
Although we are men with mortal sins,
Angels never cry

So bury fear for fate draws near
And hide the signs of pain
With noble acts, the bravest souls
Endure the heart's remains

Discard regret,
That in this debt
A better world is made
That children of a newer day might remember, and avoid our fate.

Fat Chick fail...

 I may not be a lover of the heavier women, but this shit has gotten out of hand...

Fatty. Lard ass. Shamu.  Porker. Heifer. Fat chick.

The last bastion of discrimination seems to be two-fold. The first is against the "redneck" or native Southerner, the second is against fat people. Studies repeatedly show that overweight people are far more likely to be passed over for promotions, not get the job, get paid less, or be thought of as intellectual inferiors. And, now, for those of us who aren't overweight, or don't qualify as fat, we have our very own dating site!

 Hell yeah, sign me up...

Beautiful People.com (no, I am not, and will not, link to that POS), is for those of us who place the primary indicator of interpersonal attractiveness, as the the only meritorious qualification. That is to say, beautiful people only can apply, and --the number one rule-- NO FATTIES. Well, how do they enforce that you ask? Easily....They review everything you post, everything you do, every picture, and other user feedback to determine if you're fat and/or unattractive. If you tip the scales, then, tough shit Wilbur, back to the trough for you.

The international site BeautifulPeople.com threw out members after they posted photos "revealing that they have let themselves go," according to a company statement.

"As a business, we mourn the loss of any member, but the fact remains that our members demand the high standard of beauty be upheld," said Robert Hintze, founder of BeautifulPeople.com. "Letting fatties roam the site is a direct threat to our business model and the very concept for which BeautifulPeople.com was founded." 

"We responded to complaints by moving the newly chubby members back to the rating stage. This is the same as having them re-apply," Greg Hodge, managing director of BeautifulPeople.com, said in a statement.

The company said it "expelled" 1,520 users from the U.S., 832 from the U.K., 533 from Canada, 510 from Poland, 425 from Germany, 402 from Italy, 323 from France, 220 from Denmark, 176 from Turkey and 88 people from Russia. In the e-mail, it gave users suggestions for boot camps and workout facilities to get themselves back in shape.

Whaddya' mean, boot camps?

So, thus is born an incredible amount of hubris, lingering hatred, corporate-enforced discrimination, and maintenance of an invidious status quo. The venal, shallowness of this company and its patrons cannot be overlooked. Here's hoping no one winds up in a wheelchair, or gets disfiguring dermatological disorders, or otherwise winds up in a state where the fleeting beauty of their youth dissipates and leaves behind everything else; which, incidentally, make us all human.

Pssst. If you don't find someone attractive, you can always say no...it's worked that way for a long time.

 

Double Bonus: Songs & Hot Nerds

The beautiful and smoking hot nerdie, Zooey Deschanel, whom I have already covered here and here, sings Billie Holiday's "Baby it's Cold Outside".

And, yes, it is damned cold. -15 in Omaha, may reach a balmy -4 today. Stay warm kids.

Lyrics Go Now:

C'mon baby

I simply must go - Baby, it's cold outside
The answer is no - Ooh baby, it's cold outside
This welcome has been - I'm lucky that you dropped in
So nice and warm -- Look out the window at that storm
My sister will be suspicious - Man, your lips look so delicious
My brother will be there at the door - Waves upon a tropical shore
My maiden aunt's mind is vicious - Gosh your lips look delicious
Well maybe just a half a drink more - Never such a blizzard before

I've got to go home - Oh, baby, you'll freeze out there
Say, lend me your comb - It's up to your knees out there
You've really been grand - Your eyes are like starlight now
But don't you see - How can you do this thing to me
There's bound to be talk tomorrow - Making my life long sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied - If you caught pneumonia and died
I really can't stay - Get over that old out
Ahh, but it's cold outside

Baby it's cold outside

Brr its cold...
It's cold out there
Cant you stay awhile longer baby
Well... I really shouldn't... alright

Make it worth your while baby
Ahh, do that again...

 

as if you needed proof of Dawkins' coolness

I dare say, he might be a deity...

Via www.Rathergood.com 

 

 I never understood those people who cheapen the awesome power, beauty, majesty and abiding mystery of the natural world by interjecting their superstitions to the mix. Science is one way that we explore this incredible universe around us. And, the more that we learn about it, the more complex it is, the more brilliant it becomes to be alive, and the more fascinating our role in the cosmic sense becomes.

Who needs God, when you have that...

One American Export is Strong: Avatar

Although unrelated to the script, the 11' tall furries with occasional nipple shots have enhanced the marketability of this film.

Congratulations to James Cameron's brilliant Avatar, which just hit $1 bn in box office receipts. That's no small scratch, and demonstrates that the only thing we make that other nations want is Hollywood. If you haven't seen it yet, go check out this space epic that smacks of Dancing with Wolves...only without Kevin Costner to ruin everything...and, where the indigenous peoples actually win.

Monday's Hurting for the First Time

Happy New Year's everyone. After my two week stint to spend too much, eat too much, and cook/clean way too much, back to the grind, eh?

Let's enjoy the first few days of 2010 with some Wolfsheim, "It's Hurting for the First Time"...call it the first hurt of the New Year.

Lyrics Go Now:

seven hundred times
i thought of you
a voice of innocence
i hear it calling
i know it's you

now i realize
that it's just hurting
for the first time
i feel it aching
i know it's you

seven hundred lies
seven hundred ways
to hide the fact
that i am longing
longing for you

but now i see it...i feel it...
it seems so right
a trace of light
that i will follow
till i reach you