Real life on a Saturday? Damnit!

Something about Midwestern architecture just does it for me.

Reality is going to kick me in teh teef again today. Suxxors! As I go look for new digs and find the best shelter for my budget, I leave you with this disturbing image.

Hot Nerd and Straight Gangsta'

Meet Rachel Yould: She's a Rhodes Scholar, has a PhD from Oxford, was "a former Miss Anchorage, worked with Mother Teresa and was named by Glamour magazine as one of the most notable college students in America."

You mean I can't do that? Here, look at my boobies

She's straight bangin' and straight ballin'...Seems this bright attractive woman decided that she was tired of living the college poverty that we all do (e.g., Pells, Staffords, Perkins, etc.). So, using her guile and obvious intellectual talents, she ripped off the Feds. In an ingenuous scheme, she created a second identity, to get double the student loans. Not being a knucklehead, she didn't piss that money away, rather she invested that ill gotten gain into a Smith Barney Mutual Fund and a private business*. Thus, the white collar Bonnie Parker now faces 10 federal felonies and a lot of time.

Nevertheless, the Shadow salutes your balls, your brains and your body, Ms. Yould!





* I know that her friends try to justify the second identity because of a stalker, and I feel bad for her...But, guess what. She easily could, and should, have A) not applied for loans under one of the identities, or B) returned said money. She's just a criminal guys. A hot one, but a white collar criminal who happens to be cute. I have less sympathy for those assholes taking from the public fisc than I do for someone stealing a loaf of bread for hungry children. If she wants to steal legally, become a banker.

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes*

NeoCons and Reagan Revisionists hate me...I can't imagine why. Now, go rape your sister, let your mother be eaten by a dog and let your little brother have his arms sawed off

Watchmen in about 2 hours. Wh00t!!! In the meanwhile, enjoy this apocalyptic rant by NeoCon dunderhead Debbie Schlussel, sent to me by a colleague. Needless to say, I don't think she liked it.

I guess I shouldn't be amazed at the number of slacker ignoramuses who
are up in arms about my frank review cutting down the absolute crap
they worship a/k/a "Watchmen", coming out in theaters late tonight.
The e-mails they send me and the comments they make about how "deep,"
"edgy" and "profound" this vile piece of trash (which is none of
these) is, reminds me of the blind statements of followers of Jim
Jones. And we all know what happened after they drank he purple
Kool-Aid. If only this movie could achieve that result, it would be
the most fantastic exercise in natural selection ever conducted in
America.

But sadly, there is no instant cure or sudden death for "Watchmen"
Fanatic Derangement Syndrome. You can read some of the so infected and
diseased in the comments section of my review. But I've received a ton
of vile, obscene, and just plain stupid and obnoxious e-mails because
I dared call this trash wrapped in the guise of a high brow graphic
novel what it is: pure garbage.


Oh, and by the way, to all of you slacker Watchmen defenders and
fanatics--who resemble the many respondents on "Jay Walking," yet are
suddenly the self-appointed intellectual lights of our world--grisly
is grisly, and gratuitous, graphic violence serves no positive or
useful purpose in our society, even if you read it first in a comic
book. You're a bunch of dummies with no moral compass, but liking this
stupid comic book which pretends violence and the depraved is "edgy"
or "sophisticated," makes you feel smart. When you're actually quite
stupid. But now, with this movie, you've got pretentious stupidity.
You don't realize you're still just as dumb, your IQ just as low and
probably lower.

And, yes, you future citizens of "Idiocracy," it's a comic book. Quit
your pretentious drivel about this being important because it's a
"graphic novel." Memo to the creators of Richie Rich and Archie: You
missed your calling. If only you'd called your product a "graphic
novel" and added scenes of Archie raping Betty and Veronica and
Jughead sawing off Reggie's Arms, you'd be in businesss. Dummies.

It's frankly hilarious to read the arrogance of the ignorami, telling
me I don't have "cultural literacy" because I don't like a movie based
on a comic book promoting rape, torture, and brutal killing. Here's a
tip to you clueless wonders: You can't have culture literacy when
there ain't culture. Just like I'd be wrong to call this a clash of
civilizations, because then we would be wrongly assuming that there is
civilization on your end.

While most of the e-mails are vile and stupid--and simultaneously so
pretentious and self-important--it's obvious they'd be best saved for
open poetry reading night at the local college coffeehouse. That's the
only place where your fertilizer has willing consumers (and at at the
box office on Friday, where I'm sure this crap will be a huge hit for
you pretentious geeky slacker losers with no life and absolutely no
sense of decency or class).

You keep writing me these deranged e-mails, which include statements
about how I "don't understand the background" and that it was exactly
the same in "the graphic novel." Get a clue: That I didn't first look
at a comic book picture of a rape scene before seeing the same in a
movie is a distinction without a difference. That you did, is a
distinction with merit, i.e., that you're an idiot who spends valuable
time and money on idiocy and depravity. You are what you eat.

And you are no better than the lumpenproletariat lowlifes at the
Coliseum who orgasmically watched and cheered when Christians were
forced to fight animals. You are no different, and you are essentially
chomping at the bit to go see the modern-day version, tonight. With
people like you populating America and dominating pop culture
offerings, I have no doubt that soon enough we will return to the days
of the barbaric live human versus beast shows. You salivate at the
chance to watch barbarism tonight. That's who you are.

Why not just watch "Texas Chainsaw Massacre"? At least that was honest
about what it is and didn't march under this ridiculous banner of
being highbrow when it's really just crap.

Poor Hitler. If only he'd made Mein Kampf into a comic book instead of
an actual written screed. Then, the ovens of Auschwitz and the human
lampshades would be all the rage and cool of kitsch. Silly me, for not
understanding that close-ups of sawing off someone's arms and dogs
chowing down on a six-year-old girl are so much high culture because
they were in a comic book first. Idiocy. And, oh, it's a disgusting
comic book that TIME Magazine liked. Therefore, it must be the end
all, be all. Tell it to Ariel Sharon, who knew something about the
"truth" and "accuracy" of TIME. Oh, wait, I'm assuming something
really big here: that you "Watchmen" ignoramuses actually know who
Ariel Sharon is or what his deal was with TIME. And that would be
truly clueless.

And to those imbeciles who claim--blindly--that this outrageous movie
is not marketed to kids, pray tell who is the target audience of
"American Idol" on which several trailers ran this week. Yup,
"American Idol"--no way that's a kids show or that kids who see it
won't want to go see this horrible movie. Only if they market it on
Sesame Street are they marketing it to kids, right?

Not that if it weren't marketed to kids, that would make this crap
smell any better.

Still, I've gotten many e-mails like these from parents, who attest
that they thought this was a superhero movie and that their kids have
been bombarded with the marketing for this grotesque movie:

Debbie,
I cannot recall how I got pointed to your review of Watchmen, but
thank you for your review! Ever since the trailers came out my son, 15
1/2 wanted to see the movie. No he has not read the novel or comics,
but something about this movie made me research it more. Let's just
say I had a bad feeling. I greatly appreciate your detailed review of
this movie. We are not going to see this movie and it became a great
teaching point.

Michael


Uh-huh, not marketed to kids, right? His son just found out about the
movie and wants to go see it . . . by accident?

While I'm not surprised to find out that many of those who've written
their deranged, undue outrage that I deigned to tell the truth about
this trash and insult their low-class cultural sensibilities (or
rather non-sensibilities), voted for Barack Obama and are liberals, I
am surprised that anyone would claim this is a conservative movie.

It was originally written--per the author's own declaration--as an
attack on Ronald Reagan. Reader Christopher summarizes it in this
letter:

Ms Schlussel,
First THANK YOU for the article on Watchmen.

I wanted to add that you are dead right on the slant of this movie.
The writer's original intention as declared by him in a 1987 interview
in The Comics Journal was for this have an anti-Reaganism theme. He
feared directly attacking President Reagan because he figured it would
make people not want to read.

I think this is absolutely a golden opportunity to hammer home the
point that mass media influences matter. People are actively ignoring
even the stated goal of the author himself for the sake of "a good
time'... This is how we get the fouled up pop culture.

You have a better opportunity than I to present this side of the story
to people so please consider looking into what I said here and decide
if you think it's worth while to write more about.

Again thank you,

Christopher


Bottom line: If you're a "Watchmen" fan, there's something sick about
you. You're sick if you enjoy watching wanton rape, torture, and
murder, no matter what the background for it is. I don't care if it
first appeared in a warped comic book paraded with a high-brow
euphemism for comic book.

I don't give a crap if it's meant to show that "the world is dark" and
that "superheroes have problems and are everyday people, too," which
have been among the insipid, vapid excuses I've received from
empty-headed Watchmen fanatic who mindlessly repeat the phony talking
points that make them feel smart.

Guess what? We know there are bad people and that people are everyday
people with problems. If you don't know that, and you think a movie
like this is necessary to make the point, you're even more warped and
stupid than I originally diagnosed.

And maybe your sister should be fed to dogs and your mother raped and
your brother should have his arms sawed off (as they do in this
snuff/torture-porn movie). You know, just to make the point.

But we'll be sure to depict it in a comic book first, just to make it
"high-brow." And get the money of the mindless "Watchmen" fandom
sheeple.

* "who watches the watchers", or "who guards the guards"...but you knew that already.

Marriages aren't perpetual dates.

Just read something on the Knot (cross-ref'd to MSN) about what not to do once you have achieved that level of intimacy with someone: Almost all of them are scatological and/or hygiene related. I want to share some of these ridiculous pearls of "wisdom of what not to do once you're married or cohabiting

1. No burping

If it's unavoidable, let it rip. If you can swallow it (and in most cases, you can), applaud your own self-restraint, swig a little mouthwash, and dive in for a smooch instead.

2. No farting

Sure, there's something to be said for that level of comfort, but seriously: Where in the marriage vows does it say, "'Til death do us fart?"

3. No trimming hair, etc...

[Z]it zapping, tweezing, and other gross habits (like ear wax removal, toenail clipping, and south-of-the-border trimming) should be done solo...After all, the main point of plucking random hairs or maintaining your nether regions is so your spouse doesn't see your, um, overgrowth — why destroy the mystery?

4. Final words of wisdom

Think of it this way: You didn't dare leave the door ajar when you were first dating, so why would you let all hell break loose once you're married? After you're finished, spritz some air freshener and get down to the kind of "business" that's always welcome between couples — in bed.

I can honestly say that this had to be written by a 15 y.o. girl. It had to be. Changing social mores aside, think about this scenario: Your husband has just come home with spinal surgery. He needs your help tweezing hairs and cleaning bandages on his lower back. Per the response above, there is just one word: EEEEEWWWWWW. Or this one: Your wife is pregnant, she's having a hard go of, well, going (those iron supplements will do that). She needs your help pressing in her abdomen so that she doesn't get a hernia. What do you do? Per the article above, screw her...private toileting is private.

In sickness and in health means exactly that: You take the human mammal for better or for worse; and, being animals, there are some things that are unavoidable, such as natural flatulence, occasional indigestion, and the like. The authors of this piece apparently believe that you can only be sexy by not being human. This is a juvenile mindset and shows me that whomever penned this, and whomsoever follows this advice, cannot face the reality that we aren't always at are best, and that -yes, sometimes being human is the occasional fart. I find far more intimacy in knowing that a lover can file her toenails in front of me than in all the feigned pretenses which accompany dating. It's called the business of living, and the Knot apparently hasn't learned that lesson.

Meet Anna: Exhibitionist nerd hottie

Meet Anna and her excellent website, Nerdpr0n...it is most definitely NSFW. You have been warned. Yes, she is as geeky as it comes, as this little tidbit from her "What are your Nerdials" page illustrates:

My favorite genres are comic books/graphic novels, sci-fi and classics, and my favorite authors are Henry Miller, Philip K. Dick, Robert Heinlein, Charles Bukowski, David Sedaris, Milan Kundera, ursula K. LeGuin,Tom Robbins, Haruki Murakami ok ok I'll stop! My favorite comic series, I think, is Transmetropolitan, though I'm big into Sandman and Swamp Thing, and lately I've been getting sucked into Fell and Y: The Last Man.

What else...I run linux. Right now I am on Fedora Core and have been since FC2, but I have used Redhat (back when it wasn't an enterprise edition), FreeBSD, Mandrake, Mandriva, Xandros, Ubuntu and a whole fuckload of live linux CDs.

Don't lie...We've all had the "who am I going to hook up with in the nuclear bomb shelter" daydream.

You see an attractive woman, in fishnets, heels and shorty-shorts, carrying a phallic object. I see an attractive woman, in fishnets, heels and shorty-shorts, carrying a sonic screwdriver and standing in front of a Doctor Who Poster.

Oh, Larry Coker, how the mighty have fallen.

Whooo! Texas-San Antonio Roadrunner Spirit. Can you feel it?

Think back about 5, 6, 7 years ago. Now, name a hot college football coach. Larry Coker ring a bell? Went something like 23-1 his first few seasons at Da U?

"Shit, San Antonio? San Antonio?"

Ohhh, Larry, how the mighty have fallen. From Miami to starting a fledgling program at UT-San Antonio? That's going to end well, I'm sure. You know, competing against Texas, Oklahoma, A&M, Tech, even TCU or LSU for players is really going to rehab his image. This screams of desperation, and I'll be very very surprised if he lasts past three years.

Sickening: Another judge attacked.

Ask any lawyer, judge or cop what kind of case they least like to handle or respond to, and I'll promise you that nearly all would say "domestics". These are emotionally-charged, violent laced incidents to be involved in. And, when you're on the outside, attempting to impose order and reason where none exists, the situation is exacerbated.

Such was the case in Stockton, California today, where a batterer on trial for stabbing and killing his girlfriend waited until the jury was recessed, then suddenly made a motion towards the presiding judge, and stabbed her. Deputies shot and killed the assailant, and the judge is doing okay (listed as good condition).

This piece of shit has shuffled off the mortal coil now, leaving the world no poorer.

Make no mistakes, trapped on the bench, flanked by reporters, witnesses, court attendants and clerks is no picnic. There is no where to run, to hide, or to duck. Any attack on the judiciary is damned frightening, and it has to stop.

Some B's from the Devil's Dictionary

Real life is seriously kickin' me in teh teef today. In the meanwhile, enjoy some B's from the Devil's Dictionary

These are Jack's teef. These are Jack's teef getting kicked in.

BACCHUS, n.

A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

BACK, n.

That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.

BACKBITE, v.t.

To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.

BAROMETER, n.

An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

BARRACK, n.

A house in which soldiers enjoy a portion of that of which it is their business to deprive

BEAUTY, n.

The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.

BEFRIEND, v.t.

To make an ingrate.

BIGOT, n.

One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.

BIRTH, n.

The first and direst of all disasters...

BORE, n.

A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

Sexy Nerds: We're cool too

I am willing to be that neither your teeth nor your figure are this bangin' after consuming box after box of the sugary tart goodness.

Some free legal advice from your public defender...

While this is funny, the advice herein to criminal suspects is dead-the-fuck-on. This is an actual Craigslist posting in NYC to defendants from a public defender. If you're a criminal or lawya or judge, read it and weep (or learn, as you or case may be). Via Legal Antics.

First, let me say I love my job and it is a privilege to work for my clients. I wish I could do more for them. That being said, there are a few things that need to be discussed.

You have the right to remain silent. So SHUT THE FUCK UP. Those cops are completely serious when they say your statements can and will be used against you. There’s just no need to babble on like it’s a drink and dial session. They are just pretending to like you and be interested in you.

When you come to court, consider your dress. If you’re charged with a DUI, don’t wear a Budweiser shirt. If you have some miscellaneous drug charge, think twice about clothing with a marijuana leaf on it or a t-shirt with the “UniBonger” on it. Long sleeves are very nice for covering tattoos and track marks. Try not to be visibly drunk when you show up.

Consider bathing and brushing your teeth. This is just as a courtesy to me who has to stand by you in court. Smoking 5 generic cigarettes to cover up your bad breath is not the same as brushing. Try not to cough and spit on my while you speak and further transmit your strep, flu, and hepatitis A through Z.

I’m a lawyer, not your fairy godmother. I probably won’t find a loophole or technicality for you, so don’t be pissed off. I didn’t beat up your girlfriend, steal that car, rob that liquor store, sell that crystal meth, or rape that 13 year old. By the time we meet, much of your fate has been sealed, so don’t be too surprised by your limited options and that I’m the one telling you about them.

Don’t think you’ll improve my interest in your case by yelling at me, telling me I’m not doing anything for you, calling me a public pretender or complaining to my supervisor. This does not inspire me, it makes me hate you and want to work with you even less.

It does not help if you leave me nine messages in 17 minutes. Especially if you leave them all on Saturday night and early Sunday morning. This just makes me want to stab you in the eye when we finally meet.

For the guys: Don’t think I’m amused when you flirt or offer to “do me.” You can’t successfully rob a convenience store, forge a signature, pawn stolen merchandise, get through a day without drinking, control your temper, or talk your way out of a routine traffic stop. I figure your performance in other areas is just as spectacular, and the thought of your shriveled unwashed body near me makes me want to kill you and then myself.

For the girls: I know your life is rougher than mine and you have no resources. I’m not going to insult you by suggesting you leave your abusive pimp/boyfriend, that you stop taking meth, or that your stop stealing shit. I do wish you’d stop beating the crap out of your kids and leaving your needles out for them to play with because you aren’t allowing them to have a life that is any better than yours.

For the morons: Your second grade teacher was right – neatness counts. Just clean up! When you rob the store, don’t leave your wallet. When you drive into the front of the bank, don’t leave the front license plate. When you rape/assault/rob a woman on the street, don’t leave behind your cell phone. After you abuse your girlfriend, don’t leave a note saying that you’re sorry.

If you are being chased by the cops and you have dope in your pocket – dump it. These cops are not geniuses. They are out of shape and want to go to Krispy Kreme and most of all go home. They will not scour the woods or the streets for your 2 grams of meth. But they will check your pockets, idiot. 2 grams is not worth six months of jail.

Don’t be offended and say you were harassed because the security was following you all over the store. Girl, you were wearing an electronic ankle bracelet with your mini skirt. And you were stealing. That’s not harassment, that’s good store security.

And those kids you churn out: how is it possible? You’re out there breeding like feral cats. What exactly is the attraction of having sex with other meth addicts? You are lacking in the most basic aspects of hygiene, deathly pale, greasy, grey-toothed, twitchy and covered with open sores. How can you be having sex? You make my baby-whoring crack head clients look positively radiant by comparison.

"I didn't put it all the way in." Not a defense.

"All the money is gone now." Not a defense

The bitch deserved it." Not a defense.

"But that dope was so stepped on, I barely got high." Not a defense.

"She didn't look thirteen." Possibly a defense; it depends.

"She didn't look six." Never a defense, you just need to die.

For those rare clients that say thank-you, leave a voice mail, send a card or flowers, you are very welcome. I keep them all, and they keep me going more than my pitiful COLA increase.

For the idiots who ask me how I sleep at night: I sleep just fine, thank you. There's nothing wrong with any of my clients that could not have been fixed with money or the presence of at least one caring adult in their lives. But that window has closed, and that loss diminishes us all.

The Chest Hair Shirt

This, is perhaps the coolest shirt I've seen*. If my own pelt didn't eclipse it with respect to muscle tone, aureola size and thickness of fur, I'd buy it in a heart beat.

Where is my Mars necklace?

*From Flash Glam Trash

And, finally, a lawyer joke

A man walks into a bar, and orders a drink.

A few minutes later, he says to no one in particular, “All lawyers are assholes.”

The fellow next to him lit into him. “How dare you just stereotypically categorize all lawyers as assholes? How have you missed that it’s just not okay to cast aspersions on an entire group of people? You just try saying something like that about any other group of people and you’d get slugged. And you should! If you weren’t such a jerk, I’d pour my drink all over you, but you’re not worth the cost of my drink.”

The fellow was properly abashed, and apologized. “Look, I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you,” he says, “By the way, what kind of lawyer are you?”

“Lawyer? I’m no lawyer, you idiot. I’m an asshole!”

Another busy-ass day in American Law

In the stealing-your-vote category, it has been discovered that Diebold (major GOP contributor and vote machine manufacturer) has installed "delete" keys into vote machines. Now, I wonder whyyyy the 'Thugs would oppose paper ballots or voter "receipts" of individual votes. Folks, they've been stealing elections for 9 years; this should come as no surprise. Readers are encouraged to go to Brad Blog, which is the place to read criminal complaints, e.g. regarding GOP vote theft, intimidation and criminality.

In a big, big win (finally) for consumers, the SCOTUS has rejected Big Pharma's argument that federal regulatory schemes preempt state laws; meaning, if you get bat feces in your immunization, you can sue the bastards under State law.

More good news: The 5th Circuit is going to hear the appeal of another Rove-instigated political prosecution. The 11th is likely to toss AL. Gov. Don Seigelman's as well.

But, as the SCOTUS giveth, the SCOTUS taketh away: Big lose for the environment today as the SCOTUS made it harder for people and groups to sue the U.S. to force it to comply with its own rules regarding environmental assessment and impact.

Int'l Rule of Law: Welcome back!

If you would like to know why Republicans consistently fought off the U.S.'s involvement in the International Criminal Court (ICC), it's this: Sudan's President Beshir has had a warrant issued for his arrest for war crimes committed in Darfur. Under his orders, there was systemic rape and murder as a means of terrorizing the population; and, the lovely tactic of raping children as a form of torture.

Beshir is the first sitting Head-of-State to be arrested by the ICC. It is interesting to note preciely why Beshir is being tried...for war crimes. The exact same charge leveled against Rumsfeld, Cheney -and, eventually, Bush. There are several grounds upon which any nation in the world may arrest, and bring to justice, perpetrators before the ICC: Torture, piracy, war crimes and genocide...so-called "universal jurisdiction".

Having seen the "democratically" elected President's Administration over the past eight years, was it a wonder that the GOP fought like hell against international rule of law? Don't believe me? They tried to pass a bill against the ICC...Shit, they even wrote defiance of the court into their damned political platform.

See ya' Thugs, Welcome back, Rule of Law.

I have seen everything...

Canadians even kill themselves in the most lame manner ever: intentional self-asphyxiation with their baby-soft hands.

As if Taserin' folks wasn't bad enough...

Cops just aren't satisfied...if they're not electrocuting people, then it's something else. Always something else. Now another psychopath cum "officer" in Seattle is attempting to sue to get his gun and badge back. Why was he dismissed you ask? Because apparently he was seeing demons at the police station.

Ummm. No, you can't have the lethal weapon back officer. Can I interest you in some crayons and pudding instead?

He argues, naturally, that he is being discriminated against on the basis of his religion. More sane persons would argue that, no, in fact, he is a delusional man who needs to be kept as far away from handguns and the civil liberties of others as is humanly possible. Don't worry, First Amendment lovers, that douchewad Jay Sekulow (a/k/a Jews for Jesus guy)* will probably be on the case.






* Don't even get me started on those guys. Jesus was a Jew, who expressly intended his teachings to be for the Jews and never the goyim. He was obviously disavowed as a false prophet but that doesn't change anything. Besides, the whole point of these millenarian, Dominionist nutjobs is to make nice with Israel for the sole purpose of bringing about the fucking Apocalypse. Ugh.

Introspection time kids

According to the U.N. half of the world's population owns a cell phone, thus increasing the notion that we -the collective human race- are more interconnected and interdependent than ever before.

But, is that necessarily a true statement? Are we really moving more towards a global community and international standards of decent living simply because half of the world has mobile technology? I would argue that in fact the same 1/2 which have always been spared the worst of conditions just happen to be isolating themselves more and more from the rest of the world in which we inhabit.

What about the other half? The half without a cell phone? The half who would trade a Nokia for a meal.

• 50% of the world's population lives in poverty that is unimaginable; earning $2.50 per day or less.
• 40% of the people of the world; all three billion of 'em, live without even clean drinking water.
• One in eight children in the world go to bed hungry every night. And, America, don't be so smug. Nearly 12 million children in the most prosperous country in the world, go hungry.
• What about WHO studies that indicate that because of inadequate healthcare, up to 100 million women die prematurely.

I could literally, and unfortunately, rattle these off for days. I suppose the only thing to draw from this is that the top tier, those with water and health care and food and shelter, those who have the cellphones the UN lauds so much are the ones who design the meme, who get reported on, who we collectively give a shit about. And, in the West, that heuristic, that meme simply does not, and rarely has, included or extended to the forgotten 50%.

Today's hot nerd: Babes with Books

Just stumbled across a phenomenal website. Babes with Books. This gentleman's tastes seem to align with mine: Take one part femininity, one part intellect, one part natural beauty and you get a pheremonal stew know as sexy. All of these images belong to his site, so go check him out.

What I particularly like best is that these are clearly normal women and usually candid snaps.

If they start pillowfighting, then I may have to revisit my stance on the existence of God.

Lawya: Headlines from the early week

At the risk of being hyperbolic, it's been one helluva' week on the lawya' front here in America. Let's take a peek shall we?

John Yoo and Jay Bybee (OLC for the Bush White) most notorious for torture emails, suspending posse comitatus, etc, finally have had light shed on them like scurrying roaches. Their legal opinions, long classified (and I have no idea why, other than the fact that those memos were patently unconstitutional) have now been released by the Obama administration. And the truth shall set ye free.

More on Yoo: Did you know that this alleged "scholar" actually recommended extremely curbing, and potentially overriding the First Amendment based on "war powers"? Never mind that it can't be done, he's a fucktard and a fascist who in turn worked for a group of fucktard fascists.

Fifteen gay couples are suing Massachusetts for abridging their "right" to marry. Since states can, and do, place preconditions on a liberty interest explicitly recognized under state law, the couples are going to lose this one.

The U.S. Atty in California gave Roid King Barry Bonds a major coup, by indefinitely delaying his grand jury for perjury.

The Supreme Court gave a final "f' you" to Vietnam veterans, and a huge legal win for Dow, by refusing to hear the vets' Agent Orange case.

The Septagenarian Nine (e.g., The Supreme Court) got all high tech by YouTubing some Court proceedings.

Finally, out in Colo. Springs congential liar, fuckstick and "vice-president" Dick Cheney got a subpoena straight reinstated against him. Query? How does the Anti-Christ swear upon a Bible to tell the whole truth, so help him God?

Perhaps the worst thing ever...Poo Edition

Today, we're going to discuss poo. Why? Because I'm secretly 12 years old, and because -due to my recent illnesses/injuries- poo has figured heavily into my life and thoughts.

So, first, let's categorize poo. Much like Eskimos have thirty-seven words for snow*, there are several different scales of poo. I actually considered trying to categorize them myself. Fortunately for me (and my productivety) someone has already done that for me: Behold, the magic that is the Bristol Stool Scale:

Just like Sonic Frito Pies.

And, while this is a helpful little chart, I am disappointed that they do not include my alltime favorite, but certainly most disgusting, form of poo....

Fecal Vomiting.

Yes, that does mean what you think that means.

Remember kids, Percocet and blogging = bad idea.

* NB: Eskimos really don't have 37 words that mean "snow", not anymore than we have 37 words for rain.

Gettin' a new job...

The Shadow is leaving the comfy environs of Sioux City for bigger, more lucrative pastures in the (much) bigger city of Omaha, Nebraska: More pay, reasonable autonomy, great benefits and in a town with actual theatres, galleries, zoos, museums, concerts, clubs, an international airport, restaurants, a zillion golf courses, and a real live interstate system :)

Ahhh, city life...it'll be good to be back after 5 maddening years surrounded by cornfields and dirt roads.

And now, for no particular reason, ABBA wrapped in tin foil:

"‘Jag förbliver Eder ödmjukaste tjänare"

Today's hot nerd: Scarlett Johansson

If you like 'em hot and geeky, they don't come much sexier than this: 5'1", 36D-25-38.

Ms. Scarlett Johansson is a multi-talented artistic prodigy, beginning performing at schools for the artistically gifted at a very early age. In addition to her writing, acting, singing and musical composition, Scarlett is also a renowned peace advocate, is active in Democratic politics and is a big-time Obama fan; the latter to such an extent that it was speculated that the two were schtupping on the side (could you blame him, really?)

In this nascent age of curves and feminity replacing the god-awful anorectic aesthetic of starvation, Scarlett has redefined the buxom pinup.

Cold day in hell...a/k/a Snow in Alabama

I jest. I was raised in Alabama, and I can count on both hands the number of times in 20 years that we got snow/ice. Some enterprising readers/mods at Roll 'Bama Roll, enjoyed the snow to take pictures of, what else?, football. An enterprise I wholeheartedly endorse.

Nick Saban doesn't have time for this snowman shit.

That's not snow on the Bear...that's frozen excellence MF'ers.

Damn, Cajuns...I wouldn't advertise this.

My thoughts exactly. I frequently struggle with which pair of cut off sweat pants I should wear to Waffle House. Yes, this was Louisiana...again.

Remember, the Official State Website provides visitors and denizens with the best recipes for feral swamp rats.

Who likez teh pr0n? Red-Staters likez teh pr0n.

From ABC News:

"Some of the people who are most outraged turn out to be consumers of the very things they claimed to be outraged by," Edelman says * * * Eight of the top 10 pornography consuming states gave their electoral votes to John McCain in last year's presidential election – Florida and Hawaii were the exceptions. While six out of the lowest 10 favoured Barack Obama"

Today's Hot Nerd: Katie West

Erotic photographer/blogger, and confessed full-on Trekkie Nerd, Katie West.

Yes, Trekkies did link to this.

Yes, she's Canadian....Go pay her a visit.

Lotus Enema Toilet UPDATED!

If you go to the website www.lotus909.com, you will find a perfect gift for that special person in your life (click to view full image)!

Baby, I'm sorry, I didn't have time to wrap it.

Nothing says "devotion" like a cold jet of water up your loved one's fudge tunnel.

Flowbee might be usurped by this: Lotus Chinese Enema

The magic is at 1:58 and 3:40 (although, it's all gold, Jerry. Gold).*

Translation of the woman at 1:58
"Back when I would use toilet paper, I would get the poo poo on my hands, this made me so angry I would wipe the poo on my face, But now I just have to sit there and wait for a stick to pop out to spray water up my anus, it helps me poop and keeps my hands and face clean!"

*Is anyone else vaguely disturbed by their attraction to the very beautiful woman in a short skirt hawking a portable ass-hydration system?

Budget Woe$

Fiscal Apocalpyse is upon us...grim fucking news this weekend, kids, just a smattering here:

1. Trillion is the new billion re: bailout amounts and deficits (via BBC).
2. The Congress is completely and totally Balkanized along party lines re: the budget crisis (via Raw).
3. Meanwhile, the Grand Old Party (of Nero) fiddles while the world burns; this time by trying to talk Blue Dogs into turning on a plan that 70% of America supports (via WaPo)
4. In that same vein, Karl Rove is still a delusion fuckwad (via ABCnews).
5. Rush Limbaugh is beating the war drums for Hooverism, reiterating again that he hopes Obama fails...even if that means the failure of America. (via FauxNews Nutwork). Oh, and Rick Santorum agrees.
6. Shit is bad jobwise too; it's expected that more people will be out of job now than at any point in the past 60 years. (via Marketwatch).
7. Big Pharma has quietly (but detrimentally) been jacking up prescription drug prices...sometimes 100% and, in some INSANE instances, 3000-4000% more. (via Natural News).
8. It's so bad, that even conservative states have been mulling taxing porn, legalizing pot, and legalizing/taxing gambling. (via multiple sources).
9. It's so bad that Warren-fucking-Buffett is broke...well, comparatively.
10. And, it's not going to get better...at least until 2010...maybe.

Enjoy your day!*

* Pic via Bajan

Little-known presidential campaign promise being kept

If you'll recall, then-Candidate Barack Obama made much about Taliban and Al Qaeda activity in the lawless portions of Pakistan. He even went as far as threatening to take those key installations out --with or without the help of junta leader Musharaff.

Worth the two minutes of your life

Well, he has damn sure kept that promise. Today was the fourth drone attack on Taliban and Al-Qaeda groups/cells/tribes inside of Pakistan. He's not governing from the far left, but as advertised, independent, hawkish when called for, and absolutely taking no shit from tent-dwelling nihilists.

The AJC ranks the SEC's most obnoxious coaches.

Right here.

I'd place my rankings a bit differently, though (from least to most obnoxious)

1. Bobby Johnson (Vandy) No one dislikes the guy
2. Dan Mullen (MSU) No one knows the guy
3. Gene Chizik (Auburn) Too laughable to be irritating
4. Rich Brooks (Kentucky) Curmudgeons unite!
5. Steve Spurrier (So. Carolina) What a difference 10-15 years makes, eh?
6. Houston Nutt (Ole Miss) Questionable morality, but a helluva' coach
7. Nick Saban (Alabama) Yea, he can be an ass, but not to his guys and not to other coaches and players. The media hates him b/c he constantly feeds them shit sandwiches. Plus, he's our SOB to love/hate.
8. Bobby Petrino (Arkansas) The thics of a greased weasel on speed, and I don't trust people with no upper lips (see Meyer, Urban).
   
9. Mark Richt (Georgia) Too sanctimonious and smug by half; will run it up (though not usually), and all those arrests with scant punishment
   
10. Les Miles (LSU) This bastard is certifiably insane, otherwise, he'd get higher marks
11. Urban Meyer (Florida) On so many levels he is Saban's natural progreny (e.g., intensity, ferocity, work ethic, drive, etc) on others (including his blatant mendacity and skeezy behavior with players and recruits) he is not. Success breeds hatred, and I think we are going to see a lot of Bama-Florida games in the SECCG between he and Saban.
12. Lame Kittens (UT) Never has one man done so little, yet been so praised. UT fans eat this shit up, citing his Q rating, but fellas I'll clue you in on one thing: SEC games aren't won with some California notion that publicity is good for the program. He is clearly outclassesd, outcoached and out manuevered. Come September that mouth-runnin' is going to net you exactly zero points on the scoreboard and a lot of animosity from the much better men you've shit on: Richt, Spurrier, Meyer and Saban to name a few.
    

Today's Hot Nerd: Nerd Candy for the Ladies

Nerd candy for the ladies (and gay or bi-guys; hey, I'm not discriminatory).

I present to you, your forty-fourth President of the Republic, these United States of America, Barrack Hussein Obama, Esq.

Hate to say it, but not for one instant in my 35 years of life did I doubt that we'd get a black President before a woman President. My suspicion is that sexism is just a little more entrenched than racism, or, at the least, more widespread and cross-cultural.*

* Well, that or the fact that Hillary is a wholly owned subsidiary of AIPAC; a Wal*Mart-shilling, Corporate-owned, gas-bag; and a raging, duplicitous bitch with all the baggage of Bubba accompanying her to 1600 Penn. Avenue. Ok. I'm going to go with this one.

I have to quit smoking...Part One

Van Gogh wants to bum a smoke...and some earmuffs.

I have to quit smoking because:

I had to take a brief sojourn to the E.R. yesterday for crushing pain (long story, scant typing skills, but for an overview add a hernia to this). After the interminable blood panels, CT scans etc, I was waiting for the surgeon to show up with news of a possible ruptured appendix (didn't happen, thank god).

But the only things I could think were A) I need to call my daughter before I go under, B) Oh, shit, I don't have time or money for this, C) Shit, how is the Monkey Girl going to study for her exam in the hospital and D) Fuck, I really really need a cigarette. I wish I could rank order them...The fact that I can't do that alone tells me that now, more than ever, I need to try to quit....again.

Morning Exercise: Facial Yoga

I remember when I was a kid, the teacher would have us make silly faces and shake our heads, mouth, lips etc. This kid play, what we would have called 'being goofy', is now a hot new exercise craze called "facial yoga". I'm not sure of its efficacy without the inherent childlike playfulness that went along with it 20-30 years ago, but anything that makes people lighten up is fine by me.

Your kids are smarter than you.