Friday Fail: And a political statement.

Lack of insurance be damned...I am screwing something up, so I have to bite the bullet, my dignity and pride and just go to the damned free clinic. Sigh. Too bad Americans' brains aren't wired (yet) to accept that access to basic medical care goes well beyond consumer goods and services, and, rather, is human right; an obligation the state owes to its citizens. If defending the personages of the homeland through a military is on obligation, then no less does that same obligation remain to safeguard the actual health, safety and well-being within the homeland.

Enjoy Crowbar's deliciously sludgy "I Have Failed" from the excellent album "Obedience through Suffering".

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Women are drugs...

 Scarlett Johansson = crack, according to science.

Chalk this up in the "no shit" department, but men's brains react the exact same to a buxom, hourglass figure as they do to drugs and alcohol. The money shot comes in the LiveScience article here:

"Hugh Hefner could have told us that by showing us how many zeroes are in his bank account," said researcher Steven Platek, an evolutionary cognitive neuroscientist at Georgia Gwinnett College in Lawrenceville, Georgia. "But there's more to it than buying Playboy, Maxim, or FHM."
For instance, "these findings could help further our understanding pornography addiction and related disorders, such as erectile dysfunction in the absence of pornography," he explained. "These findings could also lend to the scientific inquiry about sexual infidelity."

Scarlett again...It's okay. Science tells me that this addictive behavior is normal...

 

It's not just men that check out the hourglass figure either. According to the principal researchers, women do it as well, but for something insidious called "mate-guarding".

"It turns out women find similar optimally attractive female bodies as attention-grabbing, albeit for different reasons," Platek said. "Women size up other women in an effort to determine their own relative attractiveness and to maintain mate guarding — or, in other words, keep their mate away from optimally designed females."

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You think "Dear God, what a great body".

Your wife thinks, "Stay the fuck away, bitch".

The researchers conclude with some thoughts for future research...including, my favorite: What effect does viewing optimally curvy women have on other women's brains. I'm not an expert, but I can conclude that the result is simple....

Science is hot...

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Felix Ortiz: Missing a brain...and taste buds

NY State Assemblyman, Feliz Ortiz

Not pictured, his head up his ass...

This may be the most asinine thing I've ever read in my life. The above gentleman, NY legislator, Feliz Ortiz, has proposed a bill to...ban salt. Via the NY Daily News:

"No owner or operator of a restaurant in this state shall use salt in any form in the preparation of any food," the bill reads....violators would be smacked with a $1,000 fine for every salty dish.

Nom nom nom, motherfucker...this is all kinds of salted.

Seems to make perfect sense to me...the absolute cuisine capital of the United States is New York, noted throughout the world as one of the premier destinations for gourmet goodness, and Ortiz wants to ban salt? In an economic death-spiral, where tourism and dining are one of the few things still robust in the economy.

Like I said sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Pictured: Ortiz while crafting this proposed bill.

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Thursday is hurting like hell...

I don't know what the hell is happening to me...I just broke or dislocated the second toe in three weeks, on an entirely different foot. And, it hurts like a bitch. Too bad that I, like 40 million other Americans, am uninsured...otherwise, my ass would be at the doctor right now...

Completely unrelated is this catchy hymnal by the Norse-Celtic metal band, Tyr, entitled "Hold the Heathen Hammer High".  Yes, they are that group that hails from the remote Faroe Islands. While nestled off the coast of Ireland, deep in the North Sea/Atlantic ocean, the Faroes are interesting because they are a true holdover of the 9th-11th century Norse raids which greatly redfined the British Isles. Enjoy.

Lyrics go now:

Heathen heart
Pagan pride
Faring far
Sword by Side
Tribal times
Northern nights
Hidden high
Runic rites I was told
Hold the heathen hammer high
Hold the heathen hammer high
Hold the heathen hammer high
Hold the heathen hammer high with a battle cry
For the pagan past I live and one day will die
Hold the heathen hammer high, never turn away
Ever true unto your forefathers stalwart stay
Hold the Heathen Hammer high with a battle cry
For the pagan past I live and one day will die
Hold the heathen hammer high, never turn away
Down the wayward way so far faring strangers stray
Hold the heathen hammer high
Weather wild
Blackened blade
Angry eyes
Ruthless raid
Heathen heart
Pagan pride
Faring far
Sword by Side
Hard and cold
Hold the heathen hammer high
Hold the heathen hammer high
Hold the heathen hammer high
Hold the heathen hammer high with a battle cry
For the pagan past I live and one day will die
Hold the heathen hammer high, never turn away
Ever true unto your forefathers stalwart stay
Hold the Heathen Hammer high with a battle cry
For the pagan past I live and one day will die
Hold the heathen hammer high, never turn away
Down the wayward way so far faring strangers stray
Hold the heathen hammer high
From a pagan past that only the heathen hold
From the far end of the world and of times untold
I bring message to your mids of the ways of old
Ways reluctantly abandoned if truth be told
Ways abandoned for a scavenger of our souls
Living on malicious lies, hiding in the holes
Cruel and credible as any our tale of trolls
Hold the heathen hammer highest of all your goals
Hold the heathen hammer high with a battle cry
For the pagan past I live and one day will die
Hold the heathen hammer high, never turn away
Ever true unto your forefathers stalwart stay
Hold the Heathen Hammer high with a battle cry
For the pagan past I live and one day will die
Hold the heathen hammer high, never turn away
Down the wayward way so far faring strangers stray
Hold the heathen hammer high
Hold the heathen hammer high
Hold the heathen hammer high
Hold the heathen hammer high
Hold the heathen hammer high

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Several (fuckable) reasons to see "Alice". Prolly NSFW

Ignore Johnny Depp, or the sudden (since 1950) fascination with seeing the latest mash-up of "Alice in Wonderland".

This is really why I want to see it...more dirty cartoons.

Some people think I'm all pervy for wanting to bang a cartoon..I say, pish posh.

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This is certainly a different view on the iconic Carroll classics...I just want to know if she lost the panties before or after croquet...

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Probably the Alice with the most verissimilitude, nevertheless, the illustrator has given great thought to the natural down-and-outward sway of a full buxom. Bravo.

I love the "bloomers" and hiptastic-ness of this Alice

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This is BY FAR my favorite. I notice that they have Clubs, Spades, Diamonds and Hearts, but are, alas, short in the Cocks department. Ohhhhh, to be a cartoon for 30 minutes.

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A reminder about Polar Bears...

I know, it' looks awfully cute, and it should come as no surprise: Both dogs and bears are in the carmifordia branch of the order carnivora, and both species are highly intelligent, playful and will totally fucking kill you in the wild.

Steven Colbert is on a constant threat alert about bears. Somehow, though, the message just hasn't gotten through to people that Polar Bears are, in fact, bears. They are as large as a grizzly, agile swimmers, and -because of human encroachment- much more likely to come into contact with human settlements. This doesn't make them less likely to attack, but more so.

Just last year, my daughter and I were at the Doorly Zoo in Omaha. While there, we saw a juvenile male polar bear checking out the small children standing next to its tank. He would pounce around, dive into the water, then take a couple of test laps by the children. That's when it occurred to us that these little children, thinking that the polar bear was being inquisitive, probably appeared to be tasty, seal-sized bites of flesh to the polar bear.

This is the actual bear that was sooooo interested in the kiddos.

I finally have my confirmation. Behold the below awesomeness. It's a group of Japanese tourists at Seaworld. One of the young ladies has purchased a baby Harp Seal plush hat. Not thinking, she walks right up to get a closer view of the cute polar bear...awesomeness ensues...

She deserved it...it's the way she was dressed.

Image via Gifbin.com

For those of you wanting to feel sorry for this girl, two things to remember: First, she is approaching an 800 pound predator that's been in captivity most of its life. Second, she is approaching said predator, dressed up as its favorite food source, captivity be damned...Now, perhaps people will remember; they aren't cute...they're just white, aquatic versions of grizzlies, and I don't see a whole lot of people queuing up to pet those beasts.

Sigh.

I see you're not convinced, so go ahead and watch the video of puppies and bears playing.

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Wednesday is dragging...

Sluggish today, and I'm ot terribly sure why. I do know, however, that if your body had a soundtrack, mine would be Orbital. Ambient, bizarre.

I have to admit that the cover of the iconic Doctor Who theme song does rock.

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Speaking of Fred Phelps...

It's  become somewhat fashionable to fark him with photobombs.

Of all the one's I've seen, this may be the most damning.

Well, that's just awkward for everyone...

For those of you wondering, Ezekiel 23:20 is here....And, knowing the perversity of my readers, you probably want to get her number too.

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You do NOT want to be this poor bastard...

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Meatballs...for no reason, really...

Via the UK's Mirror, comes this cautionary tale about --HOLY HELL-- the worst possible way to fucking kill yourself. Ever.

A window cleaner died after stabbing himself in the groin repeatedly with a jumbo souvenir pencil, an inquest heard.

Jeffrey Burton’s family and friends were baffled by his bizarre death, which was recorded as an open verdict because there was no evidence he was trying to commit suicide.

Mr Burton, 57, was found by police in a blood-soaked room in his house in St Leonards, East Sussex, on September 27.

 The coroner gets extra pain points for this line: “It seems to me that it can’t have been a single stab wound. He seems to have worked on it. The pencil was blunt.”

That's right. He stabbed himself to death. In the balls. With a giant fucking pencil you get at schmaltzy places for souveneirs.

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Yea, one of THESE...

Chalk this up as the most painful way to die that I could ever imagine. This is the testicular version of staking a vampire, but --owing to the location of the stake-- far, far worst. At least a stake to the heart kills pretty much instantly.

As the Inquest magistrate so blithely, if not wittily, commented: "It’s a mystery to me. If you were choosing to take your own life, that’s not the way you would do it."

Pretty much my reaction to this story...

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Epic constitutional fight brewing...

And we hate you, Fred Phelps.

pic via God Hates Yo Momma.

Most of us have heard about this noxious douchebag in Topeka, an alleged minister at Westboro Baptist, by the name of Fred Phelps...he of the God Hates Fags/God Hates America campaign. He used to be merely obnoxious...mocking dead homosexuals on his website, protesting areas with gay rights protections and the like. But now he's gone Full Monty batshit, disturbing the sanctity of, and organizing protests at, funerals of dead homosexuals and U.S. soldiers.

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I'll bet Fred wouldn't do that shit around this guy, the quite gay, and very large, Derek Da Silva...Did I mention that he runs a fight club?

As you can imagine, it only took a few times of this dog-n-pony shit before the families started getting really upset. And, being America, where vigilantism has sadly gone out of vogue, they did what any self-respecting citizen is expect to: They got all litigious. One such law suit, filed by the family of a dead Marine, cost the church $5 million bucks. But, it was overturned on appeal, because the higher court felt that Fred and crew were exercising their constitutional rights to gather, assemble and protest.

That case has now made its way to the Supreme Court of the United States. 

 We're totally gonna' fuck this up...

While they do a decent job of wrecking the Country, I'll bet this has to give the right-wing element fits. I have no doubt that they give a shit about homosexuals' emotional distress, but Westboro is now targeting the military; a long-time favorite of the Court. Making matters even worse is that this is a Constitutional issue before them, making Roberts' procedural/jurisidictional ploy moot: They have to tackle it head on. 

I'll do some early handicapping on this one for you, even though I've not read the briefs (yet!). I think that, citing to some pretty long-standing (but untested) precedent, the Court will declare that a funeral is a private event; that this does not fall within the ambit of state-monkeying with the First Amendment; and, that such speech is not protected because they are "fighting words".

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I'm from Alabama; trust me when I tell you that I know what fighting words are...

For your reading pleasure, I give you the case of Chaplinsky v. New Hampshire, 315 U.S. 568 (1942), wherein the Court opined that certain words may not actually even count as free speech under the First Amendment: 

The Court noted that the right of free speech is not absolute at all times and under all circumstances. There are certain "well-defined and narrowly limited" classes of speech that can be proscribed and regulated without constitutional problem. These include the "lewd and obscene, the profane, the libelous, and the insulting or 'fighting words'." The Court defined fighting words as those words that "by their very utterance inflict injury or tend to incite an immediate breach of the peace." Fighting words are excluded, the Court reasoned, because any benefit derived from their utterance is outweighed by the social interest in order and morality. The Court determined that the statute was constitutional. Finding that the epithets uttered by Chaplinsky were likely to provoke the average person to retaliation and thereby cause a breach of the peace, the Court ruled that Mr. Chaplinsky's words were unprotectable fighting words.

Read the excellent summary of fighting word cases here.

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Tuesday is revelatory

For some things, such as a life-altering Revelation, only 'Maiden will suffice :)

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This week's Internet win...

 

 I really hope he's aiming that shit at Boehner...

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Wendi Aarons of Austin, TX is my hero...

 

Blood clot forming...no particular reason.

This may be the funniest letter an angry consumer has ever written to a company. Herein, my new heroine, Wendi Aarons, bitches the shit out of Proctor and Gamble for their (admittedly shitty) decision to include the phrase "Have a nice period"  on the back of their maxi-pad boxes. It's witty, fierce, elegant and -above all- only demonstrates the maxim that Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Here's an excerpt from the Salon blog. 

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

 

Yes, I agree...only a man would do something that stupid.

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It's all good, until it's your monkey

I hate it when he shows up for work still drunk.

Papa Hemingway, Alpha Man-Bear, and Philosopher King (and damned good at close-range head shots), aptly summarized humanity's constant quest for the bottle:

Don't you drink? I notice you speak slightingly of the bottle. I have drunk since I was fifteen and few things have given me more pleasure. When you work hard all day with your head and know you must work again the next day what else can change your ideas and make them run on a different plane like whisky? When you are cold and wet what else can warm you? Before an attack who can say anything that gives you the momentary well-being that rum does? The only time it isn't good for you is when you write or when you fight. You have to do that cold. But it always helps my shooting. Modern life, too, is often a mechanical oppression and liquor is the only mechanical relief.

 

Take heart: At least he'll be sober when he wrecks your shit...

There is much wisdom into this "mechanical oppression" of life theory. We are very often trapped in the rat race of futility and bound by cages (real and imagined). But, of our fellow primates, who could be more oppressed than our nearly-identical DNA cousins, the chimpanzees? 98% shared genetic code...social...highly organized...intelligent...

And, apparently, like a frat boy at Daytona Beach, our nearest homonid relatives are also capable of picking up a predeliction for fatherin' bastards, chain-smoking and getting drunk.

According to Reuters, a chimp in Moscow, bored by its lot in life, has developed addictions to these all-too-human problems to the extent that they are sending him to freakin' rehab.

A Russian chimpanzee has been sent to rehab by zookeepers to cure the smoking and beer-drinking habits he has picked up, a popular daily reported on Friday. An ex-performer, Zhora became aggressive at his circus and was transferred to a zoo in the southern Russian city of Rostov, where he fathered several baby chimps, learned to draw with markers and picked up his two vices.

 For the love of god, Monkey, not only are you drinking too much, but it's Schlitz!

Sure, laugh all you want to, but when it's your monkey, and you get the 12-Step bill, see how funny it is then. I can't imagine that the services for primate addiction therapy are cheap .




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Monday raises its glass to your funeral

to you, to your body.

My body, my body is a funeral

I imagine with decent recording equipment, this would be the shit. I love this song...

Lyrics go now:

Our great god lies naked next to me
I witnessed death in his beauty
I feel him when he breathes, as we fall
and I clasp him to me as we fall
Shouldering your sadness unto me
The great caldera moon to the east
The annihilation from your eyes
Flowing deep into me from your eyes
You wallow in your suffering
and swim in your senseless grief
The shadow of your body
Is cast upon only me
Goodnight my love, goodnight.
I fall upon your body
Fall with me into my frozen flesh
My hungry death
You tremble before me
and swallow my dying breath
Caress me, undress me, forget me
As winter comes
Your pale skin, crystal eyes
I will weep forever, oh my god why?
As fire fell upon great Alexandria
Our arms were close around us
Forever gods turned away
Give the word and down comes beautiful rain
glorious pain
Armies of salvation laid to waste
The host lifts its desire from it's face
In a memory from a past life leaps the beast
Devouring all around, the colossal feast  

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