Where is Darwin When You Need Him: Juggalos

Is this couple preparing to go to an Insane Clown Posse concert? Nooooo...

Among the oddest phenomena of lower-middle class, White America, is the Juggalo. Defined helpfully by the Urban Dictionary as

Confused individuals that are a product of the break down of the white middle class/lower class family, hero worship, and the emasculatory expectations of society. Usually characterized as indolent, witless, overly self-glorifying, and speak a lot of shit about anyone but are never concerned about backing it up because they won't. All these traits are an attempt for a cohesive group structure that accepts them and will tolerate their unfounded angst/effeminate banter or actions. A purely American occurance that is a scourge on par with Chavs and Wiggers.

Or, my favorite,

A piece of shit that's so obscure it can't be flushed.

For anyone not privy to this "fascinating" group people that paint their faces like clowns a la their retarded heroes Insane Clown Posse, worship Faygo, and think that there is a greater religion know as gathering of the "Dark Carnival", then I present to you the following Myspace profile of a "Juggalette" (feminine form, natch). All-cap, naturally, to emphasize the universal angst and hardness of the carnie life.

"IM A OLD SCHOOL HARDCORE JUGGALO FROM CHICAGO. REPP'N CHI-TOWN JUGGALO TILL THA DAY I DIE! WOOP WOOP !!! I LOVE GO'N 2 PSYCHOPATHIC CONCERTZ. IM ALWAYZ THERE. I LOVE MY JUGGALO BF ♥JOE. FUCK U LATER BABY..KISSES! I KICK IT WIT MY RYDAZ N HOMIEZ WHEN I CAN. I LOVE KICK'N IT WIT JUGGALOZ, JUGGALETTEZ, & NINJAZ...PARTY'N, DRINK'N, SMOKE'N, DRUG'N WIT NINJAZ IS WHAT I LIKE 2 DO. ALL WHILE BUMP'N PSYCHOPATHIC. THE BEST OF TIMEZ...FAYGO OF EVERY FLAVA IS THA SHIT. MAGIK FAYGO IS THE BEST! KNOW ABOUT IT BITCHES! I REPP THA HATCHET LIKE A SICK RELIGION. I AM THE KINDEST, NICEST, FUNNIEST NINJA U KNOW. I WILL TAKE MY OWN PSYCHOPATHIC SHIRT OFF MY BACK 4 FAM. BUT...IF U FUCK ME OVER, LIE, STEAL, OR TALK SHIT I CAN BECOME YER WORST FUCK'N NIGHTMARE! I RESPECT JUGGALOZ & EXPECT RESPECT BACK. FUCK OFF THE BULLSHIT. I COLOR MY HAIR FRUITY ASS COLORZ B/C IT MAKES ME HAPPY. I LIKE 2 JOKE YO MIND. IM NOT SHORT YER ALL JUST REALLY TALL. YEA RIGHT..I LIKE WATCHING CARTOONZ. PLAY'N WIT MY KITTY MILENKO. I LOVE SMOKE'N DRO, GORILLA PEE, NE WEED 4 THAT MATTER. ♥XANAX IS MY FAVORITE DRUG. mmmmmmmm xanaxxx ;P VIDEO GAMES, PSYCHOPATHIC MUSIC, DRUGS, N DIRTY CLOTHES IS BASICLY MY DAYZ. BUT NOTHING COMPARES 2 PSYCHOPATHIC & ICP CONCERTS STANDING UNDER A FAYGO RAIN♥ FUCK ALL THE FRUITY ASS HATERZ! GROW SOME BALL HAIR & STEP UP OR FUCK OFF!!! AND 2 EVERYONE ELSE... "

Predictably, she and her Juggalo bred. With devastating results....

 I have to think the infant would not have condoned running Hatchet Men as its final reward.

I do not like dead children. Nothing on this earth is more horrifying than the death of a child or a child in pain. But, I look at the "parents" here, and think to myself, "Really, what kind of existence were they setting this kid up for?" So, when I ask that Darwin take over, it really should have been one branch back in the ole gene pool...not this kid.