Fucking with Spammers: Male Prostitution Edition

Whoot!!! I'm rich!!! First on the list: Invest in a harem!!!

Among my useless, but amusing, hobbies is fucking with spammers: I never really got a chance to screw with the Nigerian Bank Scam guy, because that teat dried up long before I got into the habit of responding to them. However, Loki must have blessed me today, because I finally got the "Dear X, a relative has died and you get Y money" email. I was very excited, and spun what I consider to be one of my finest replies*:

Loki approves of me fomenting chaos.

From Mr. Scammer (identity not protected...send him one!)

--- On Mon, 10/26/09, From Mr.Ernest Dadanu wrote:

From: From Mr.Ernest Dadanu
Subject: With Due Respect
To: concave.scream@yahoo.com
Date: Monday, October 26, 2009, 3:41 PM

我有新的電郵地址！

你現可電郵給我：ernestdadanu0@yahoo.com.hk

- Dear Friend,Pls i want you to read this letter very carefully and i must apologize for barging this message into your mail box without any formal introduction due to the urgency and confidential of this issue and i know that this message will come to you as a surprise, Pls this is not a joke and i will not like you to joke with it.I am Mr.Ernest Dadanu, a Manager in Bank of Africa (BOA) Ouagadougou , Burkina faso .I Hoped that you will not expose or betray this trust and confident that i am about to establish with you for the mutual benefit of me and you.I need your urgent assistance in transferring the sum of ($15)millions usd into your account within 7working banking days. This money has been dormant for years in our Bank without claim due to the owner of this fund died along with his entire family and supposed next of kin in an air crash since July 31st 2000.Pls go through the website(http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm)I want our bank to release this funds to you as the nearest person to our deceased customer while i come over to your country to share this fund with you as soon as you confirm this fund into your account and ask me to come over.I don't want the money to go into our Bank treasure as an abandoned fund. So this is the reason why i contacted you so that our bank will release this money to you as the next of kin to the deceased customer. Please I would like you to keep this proposal as a top secret and delete it if you are not interesting.Upon the receipt of your reply and indication of your capability, i will give you full details on how the business will be executed and also note that you will have 45% of the above mentioned sum if you agree to handle this business with me while 50% will be for me and 5% for any expenses that may arise on the process, Because i don't want anyone here in our bank to know my involvement until you confirm this fund into your account and ask me to come over for the sharing as i indicated.Am looking forward hearing from you immediately,Thanks with my best regards Mr.Ernest Dadanu.

My Response:

Dear Mr. Dadanu,
I must say your email comes as a blessing and a surprise, count me in! But first, let me explain (I'm really lonely these days) why I'm so desperate: The past few months have been difficult ones for me. As you probably know, the economy here in America is really, really shaky, so finding employment is difficult. In my case, locating a new job has been almost impossible, because I am now an ex-felon.

See, I recently lost my job as  --let's be honest-- first as upscale male prostitute, later as a back-alley ass whore. I began as a "power bottom" and "otter slut" for many of the insurance and finance executives here in Omaha. I filled a role (and a few holes) that their wives otherwise would not. However, getting the word out was kind of tough, and got more difficult as the economy started to tank. You know how it is, Mr. Dadanu (can I call you Ernest?) when the economy goes sour: People start looking to trim the budget, tighten the old belt: No more operas, fine dining, trips to Hong Kong (you have a beautiful country, by the way), and certainly no more boy toy to accompany them.  So, having a hard time retaining and finding new clients,on the advice of a supposed friend, I shed my independent mantle and turned to a "broker" (you could call him a pimp), named Seutonius "Sweet" Gonzales.

Sweet was definitely not who he turned out to be. Oh, I mean at first he was caring and loving and a gentle lover. I always slept soundly in his arm (he's an ex-Navy SEAL and lost the other one in Operation Desert Shield). He had the best sense of humor, and I've never heard someone tell a funnier Holocaust joke than Sweet. He was so thoughtful too, he always knew what kind of beer to bring me when I was feeling low, or which salve to put on my sore bum. Then the relationship started to sour after just a few weeks. I wanted to leave, but I couldn't...I just loved that big bear of a man (and his bigger cock!). As the months dragged on, the sex turned more violent, when we had it at all, but I was addicted. The intimacy was just gone, and we began to fight more and more. But, he was a really passive-aggressive sort who wouldn't just yell, he would attack me in subtler, but no less cruel, ways: drinking out of the milk carton, flushing the toilet when I was in the shower, asking me if I left the iron on (when he KNOWS that I have OCD), smoking my last cigarette, that kind of thing.

Then, he started to beat me...not in that "let's get you a little bloody for the make-up sex" kind of beating: He whipped the shit out of me (literally, he made me cut my own switches from the birch tree out back before he striped my back and ass and legs). The beatings became more severe and more frequent. The last one was particularly severe, when I told him I was not comfortable "barebacking" his new clients of decidedly poorer hygeine (and poorer financial means!) To make a long story short, he put me in the hospital when I told him I was quitting...and, guess what else I found out at the hospital? That bastard gave me syphillis. Turns out he really didn't lose his leg (and testicle) in Iraq, he had grangenous syphillis. If you've never seen it, it looks like this:

But, the worst betrayal came as I was laying in the hospital with my jaw wired shut (my moneymaker!), the FBI came in along with the Douglas Country Sheriffs and the Omaha police. Seems that bastard had called all the authorities to report that I was a prostitute --and a pervert! He told the cops that I was running a prostitution ring out of rest area bathrooms (true, but that's because HE made ME!) and also told them that I wasperforming oral sex on teenage boys. The nerve of that son of a bitch. I mean, it WAS a glory hole, after all...the thrill is that they ARE ANONYMOUS! How was I supposed to know that some of the smaller penises belonged to his sons? (Another surprise there...he's also MARRIED! WITH KIDS!!).

Needless to say, the police didn't believe, the prosecutors wouldn't believe me, and the judge had no sympathy whatsoever. So, now, I've got my sentencing on Dec. 13th of this year. So, any money that I can get will greatly assist me in getting the hell out of the country, and somewhere I can ply my trade (and not go to prison!) What's the male prostitution market like in Hong Kong? Perhaps you and I can work out an "arrangement". Or, if that's not your style, I'll bet working at a large financial institution you know lots of people right? Anyway, we can work out those details when you come.

That said, I REALLY would be delighted to take you up on this offer. By my reckoning, 45% of $15 million USD would be close $4.5 million after miscellaneous fees, your 50%, and any taxes that I will need to pay to the State of Nebraska, as well as Federal taxes. I've already contacted the IRS and the State Department of Revenue to see what I need to do about paying them. I can understand you want a little secrecy, and that makes sense, so the only person I've told is my realtor, my lawyer and I might want to hire a financial adviser too. Anyway, please advise on how we can this done AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. How quickly can you come to the States? I look forward to hearing from you, Ernest, and thanks again!! I'M RICH!!!

Mr. D. Schatten.





*In case it escaped the NSA's attention (and I know you bastards are snooping) not a single word of the reply is true.