Lard: Not just for foreplay...

God, how I love the old advertisements. People selling shit that people not only didn't need, but, in many cases, were just downright hazardous to your health.*

 

Visceral  deposits around piggy kidneys? Mushy, subcutaneous skin? Caul fat surrounding the porkers' digestive organs? Hell, sign me up...

Among the best were adverts for lard, not just as a tasty shortening and the world's best chicken-frying substrate**, but how lard was actually marketed as hip, as an apparent aphrodesiac for new lovers, and -my favorite- as a health food. But, what is this tasty goodness known as lard? From Wiki:

The highest grade of lard, known as leaf lard, is obtained from the "flare" visceral fat deposit surrounding the kidneys and inside the loin....The next highest grade of lard is obtained from fatback, the hard subcutaneous fat between the back skin and muscle of the pig. The lowest grade is obtained from the soft caul fat surrounding digestive organs, such as small intestines, though caul fat is often used directly as a wrapping for roasting lean meats or in the manufacture of pâtés.

Vegetarians will never know what they're missing by ingesting globs of aerosolized pig fat steamed right off of its small intestines...

There were two big hitters in the lard advertising heyday. Among my personal favorites were the old British Lard Marketing Board ads.

Ah, to be young and in love, and balls-deep in lard again...

 
What's not to love about lard? According the excellent Nutritional Data website, lard has a lot to offer the consumer of livestock remnants. For starters, 1 oz of lard can give you a heart healthy serving of cholesterol. And, second, in America -where more is better- who can argue with the logic of your fat actually having fat?

The only thing I can think to do with a product that has 205g of fat is to use it as a fisting lube.

Sure, lard may be fattening, but what about the actual health effects of lard? Per the British Lard Marketing Board, this shortening is not only every newlywed's fantasy, but is also a healthy choice for that glutton-on-go.... 

You don't know how many times I've been exercising and have gotten a craving that only slaughterhouse by-products can satisfy...

But, don't think that the limeys get all the delicious enjoyment of rendered, liquefied offal and animal parts. Americans love them some lard too, as is evidenced by our own version of the BLMB, the Lard Information Council....

Now, this is truth in advertising...

 

So, there you have it: delicious, wholesome, democratic shortening. A rendered animal part that keeps your biscuits flaky and pays the price for your freedoms.***

*Der Schatten would remind you that everything you ever see in an advertisement, especially advertising on the internet, is 100% true, can be taken at face value and is be trusted as though it were Gospel. Remember, Corporations, just like the Government, believes in giving you all of the information and letting you make fully informed, intelligent decisions. They have nothing to gain from lying.
** I wasn't kidding about lard making the best fried chicken...
*** And, I wish I were kidding about people using lard as a lube...THIS link is too horrifying to not click.