The South Will Rise Again: With Cooties.

If she's a Tri-Delt, she's just as apt to have them too.

I devote a great deal of oxygen and send a lot of love to my homeland, the sovereign nation that's been occupied by Yankees since 1865
, the South. Among the things I (righly) extoll are the phenomenal regional cuisine, perfected by decendents of African and Caribb slaves and the Scot-Irish who settled the area. The South is truly America's cornucopia, with bountiful fish, fowl and game, dozens of fruits, nut and berries, legumes and all the vegetables you could ever want. So, big ups for Southern food.

 

We win this one every time.

I also (rightly) extoll our cultural and regional love affair with college football. The NFL is for the North; Hockey is for Canada; Baseball is for the summer --and the summer only; Basketball is largely forgotten; and Soccer is for communists. Any glib research on the subject will show you how different it is, being not only our metaphor for war against the rest of the United States, but also our own peculiar secular religion of sorts.

This is Bear Bryant. He is Alabama's, but he defined Southern football for three decades. We win.

I could go on about the decency of the people, the things we've overcome together, the scenic beauty, etc. However, there are other things that make one less proud: Southern Baptists come to mind, the occasional redneck that sets everyone back forty years, idiotic overly pious and nearly-insane corrput politicians, the clearly defined class struggle, etc. But, the one thing we've got to be most worried about, are cooties.

Sure, I'll come back to your house. It doesn't matter that I don't have a condom? GREAT!

Yes, cooties, particularly crotch cooties are rampant in the South. I think it's a product of religous life choking out available information on STD prevention, sometimes shoddy public education, poverty, the fact that we really like to party. Whatever it is, there is no denying that we simply do give one another non-lethal STDs at a staggering rate. Look at this chart from the CDC...

As you can see, with Syphillis the South really represents: Louisiana, Alabama, Georgia, Tennessee, Texas and Florida all apear in the Top 10. While 70% of the  "clap" States are also Southern: South Carolina, Alabama, Georgia, North Carolina, Tennessee, Louisiana and Mississippi. And, of course, we gotta' represent on Chlamydia, and Mississippi, Alabama, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia and Tennessee can help you there.

 

Yes, the Southern Belles are cute, especially at Ole Miss...What? Read below?

Der Schatten is pleased to award Bonus Points to South Carolina which finished in the Top 3 in two Categories (Clap and Chlamydia), and DOUBLE POINTS to Mississippi which finished First in those categories. Again, there's nothing to worry about, it's non-lethal and is all in good fun. The South reminds you enjoy the ride, but make damned sure you get tested.

Sure I been tested baby. It don't matter anyway; generic penicillin is just $4 at Wal-Greens

H/T to O, who had this link in one of his features a few days ago.