Code Monkey: All Done with the XML

Like the title says, I'm all done toying around with the script, and have completed the additions/revisions to the cite. Among the changes:

1. Each post includes a hyperlink for Facebook sharing, a Stumble Recommend button, and an option to add to Twitter. Feel free to use liberally.

If the Internet were a drug, StumbleUpon would be the John Belushi speedball special...

2. Over on the sidebar to your left, stage right, is the map showing the location of visitors over each three hour span...it's kind of neat to see where folks come from: Like many amoeba forming a slime mold, we're all in this together....

Let's hang!

3. And, for shits n' giggles, I've added my Twitter feed to the same sidebar. Feel free to add me to your list, and I'll do likewise, or find me at http://twitter.com/gothlaw.

So, that's all for the nonce; in the meanwhile, have some CODE MONKEY!

Jonathan Coulton is way too talented for his day job, unless said day job involves only being a singer/songwriter.

Lard: Not just for foreplay...

God, how I love the old advertisements. People selling shit that people not only didn't need, but, in many cases, were just downright hazardous to your health.*

 

Visceral  deposits around piggy kidneys? Mushy, subcutaneous skin? Caul fat surrounding the porkers' digestive organs? Hell, sign me up...

Among the best were adverts for lard, not just as a tasty shortening and the world's best chicken-frying substrate**, but how lard was actually marketed as hip, as an apparent aphrodesiac for new lovers, and -my favorite- as a health food. But, what is this tasty goodness known as lard? From Wiki:

The highest grade of lard, known as leaf lard, is obtained from the "flare" visceral fat deposit surrounding the kidneys and inside the loin....The next highest grade of lard is obtained from fatback, the hard subcutaneous fat between the back skin and muscle of the pig. The lowest grade is obtained from the soft caul fat surrounding digestive organs, such as small intestines, though caul fat is often used directly as a wrapping for roasting lean meats or in the manufacture of pâtés.

Vegetarians will never know what they're missing by ingesting globs of aerosolized pig fat steamed right off of its small intestines...

There were two big hitters in the lard advertising heyday. Among my personal favorites were the old British Lard Marketing Board ads.

Ah, to be young and in love, and balls-deep in lard again...

 
What's not to love about lard? According the excellent Nutritional Data website, lard has a lot to offer the consumer of livestock remnants. For starters, 1 oz of lard can give you a heart healthy serving of cholesterol. And, second, in America -where more is better- who can argue with the logic of your fat actually having fat?

The only thing I can think to do with a product that has 205g of fat is to use it as a fisting lube.

Sure, lard may be fattening, but what about the actual health effects of lard? Per the British Lard Marketing Board, this shortening is not only every newlywed's fantasy, but is also a healthy choice for that glutton-on-go.... 

You don't know how many times I've been exercising and have gotten a craving that only slaughterhouse by-products can satisfy...

But, don't think that the limeys get all the delicious enjoyment of rendered, liquefied offal and animal parts. Americans love them some lard too, as is evidenced by our own version of the BLMB, the Lard Information Council....

Now, this is truth in advertising...

 

So, there you have it: delicious, wholesome, democratic shortening. A rendered animal part that keeps your biscuits flaky and pays the price for your freedoms.***

*Der Schatten would remind you that everything you ever see in an advertisement, especially advertising on the internet, is 100% true, can be taken at face value and is be trusted as though it were Gospel. Remember, Corporations, just like the Government, believes in giving you all of the information and letting you make fully informed, intelligent decisions. They have nothing to gain from lying.
** I wasn't kidding about lard making the best fried chicken...
*** And, I wish I were kidding about people using lard as a lube...THIS link is too horrifying to not click.

 

Today's Hot Nerd: Olivia Freakin' Munn

My appreciation of brunettes goes deep (no pun intended), and my appreciation of nerdy chicks runs equally deep. However, the deepest appreciation of beauty has to lie with those chicks who are A) nerdy, B) brunette C) of decidedly indeterminate ethnicity, and D) just lil' on the trashy side.

Never has someone playing an Atari on shag carpet looked so damned slobber-worthy.

So, to my surprise (because I am so insulated from popular culture), there is the channel called G4...it's apparently for the Gen Y and Baby-Boomlet set. I'd never heard of it. Likewise, I'd never heard of this program called "Attack of the Show" What the hell was I thinking...Because, all this time, I was missing out on Olivia Munn (henceforth known as "Apocalypse Fuck Fantasy 2", only behind my top nerd hotty, Scarlett Johansson, and now edging out the old runner-up, Zoey Deschanel).

I don't know why women hate to sweat...I think I can speak for most men when I say, we love it.

Good ole' Olivia (Lisa) Munn is straight Okie, and --like all intelligent people of limited means-- went to the State liberal arts university (OU), where she had an interesting mix of major/minors, majoring in Journalism and double-minoring in Japanese and Theatre. After school, she headed west, went into television (as well as print moldeing) and began doing what she does best...selling sex to nerds.

 Sing along, now..."Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer weiner..."

Ms. Munn, much to my delight, is the product of miscegenation [Chinese/Caucasian (looks like Welsh)] which, as we all know, only makes the world a more beautiful place, particularly women. You think I'm kidding? I'm not. Scientific, empirical-fucking-truth: Women are growing more and more beautiful because of evolution and greater variance in the gene pool*

 

I'm not sure what your parents did, Olivia, but they should definitely do it again.

When Olivia Munn got her call on G4, she was asked to do something which she was not quite comfortable with...video game reviews. However, to her credit, she boned up (hee hee) on the subject matter and apparently is now a knowledgeable fan boi favorite. Currently, she hosts attack of the show, where she is now displaying her tech-savvy with all things viral. But, it is her shrewdness (and cynicism) that makes her brilliant. In her own words (regarding showing an occasional nipple, upskirt, etc...) "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, ratings galore!" Witty.

Yes, she will do anything for ratings. And, yes, those are her panties.

Finally, it goes without saying, that Olivia is not just a tech-geek, she also smokin' freakin' hot. Maxim currently has her listed as the #99 hottie, and she hosts "Maxim's Hotties Next Door" segments on G4. This, of course, brings up two obvious points. The first is that I double-dog dare you to find 99 chicks that are hotter than her, much less this interesting. The second is that I know for a fact that I never had a neighbor (next door or otherwise) that looked like this...

When Olivia rocks the Princess Leia, we all win.

*Hear that Midwest? Two important points to take away: 1) It's ok to marry/breed outside of Scandinavia and 2) Evolution does exist, despite what Kansas told you.

 

Monday: Comin' in Like a Prayer

Everyone loved this song, and everyone loved Madonna. "Like a Prayer"...This was the Queen of Pop at her absolute sexy best. Everyone in Gen X just friggin' drooled when she danced in front of the burning crosses in that gorgeous burgandy dress.